Sober, 19 and New
Hello, I'm Amy Michelle.
I started drinking socially around the age of 13/14, alcohol has always been part of my life, but it was usually controlled. I remember when I was around 9 me and my dad would sit and watch The Young Ones and he'd let me have a can of fosters with him, and the common small glass of wine as a child at Christmas. I feel I was brought up understanding the dangers of alcohol and the importance of moderation. I did how ever from the ages of 13 to 16 I did have the odd silly teenage paralytic nights, which was considered normal from where I grew up, just as long as it was only the odd one or two. (I was a bit of a wild child, and had many of these nights)
When I was 16 in the last year of school, I met my first real boyfriend. He was 18 and had left school and was considered a bit of a 'bad boy'. I never had of thought he'd be the one I'd fall head over heels for. But words couldn't describe how much I loved him, my life ended up depending on him.
He however, was not a very good boyfriend at all. He stole, lied and cheated. Never in my life have I ever so deeply loved someone as much as him. It was clear to everyone he could not give two shits about me. I'm not saying I was ever a perfect girlfriend, but I sure as hell tried.
It was at this point in my life (17) when I started to use drink as a cure. I rarely drank by myself, but in social occasions I was always the drunkest by far. I always just thought that I was a bit of a party animal, but It got to a point where I'd self harm and become aggressive to others. My boyfriend sometimes had to physically take alcohol and hide it from me. A couple times he rang the police on me, I was a mess.
I started to go college less and less, spent most my time with my boyfriend and all the money I had on alcohol and cigs. My mum kicked me out a couple times to go to my dads (who was very stick with me) so I ran away to my boyfriends which only made things worse. I started to dabble in drugs, but they never had a real hold on me like alcohol does
There was a point though when I saw a light and began to walk away from my boyfriend, our relationship ended after two years, he then started seeing my 'best friend' which sent my life into a serious sink in alcohol fueled worthlessness. I had finished college, with no real job, or real friends, I found myself spending time with druggies and idiots. I'd spend all day in bed nursing a come down/hangover, then go out at night and do it all again. I'd cry and do seriously silly things like cut myself, take over dose' and try and run into cars. My family just did not know what to do with me, I didn't care though. All I needed was alcohol and drugs. I was 'happiest' when away from reality.
This carried on to when I was 19. On my 19th Birthday I cried all day and in the evening I went round to my friends, I tried to pretend I was drinking to celebrate my Birthday, but clearly It was just an other day to made life a blur. I ended up with badly cut wrists that night in particular.
How ever, late September 2012, a couple weeks after my 19th I got a job as a cleaner. Which meant very very early mornings, new people and a new routen. I tried to juggle working and drinking at the same time, I'd often come to work still drunk from the night before. I usually got away with it, but it was only a matter of time till I would have got sacked. Thankfully in the November I met a boy who I really quite liked, and he was besotted with me. We started dating and he began to notice I had a problem with alcohol and made it clear that it was not acceptable. I knew I had a choice, alcohol or my new boyfriend.
I have been sober for more than 5 months now, its had its highs and lows but it has been the best thing I have ever done. I struggle immensely with keeping sober and fighting my demons. But at the moment its looking positive. I have been trying to attend my local AA group, which is helping. But I am still coming to terms with the fact that I am an alcoholic and always will be. At 19 with everyone around you going out and drinking, its hard to fit yourself in. But I am trying, everyday I try harder.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read this.