Acheleus

So my depression is trying to break my spirit tonight. When I was two my mother got a DUI while I was in the car. She told the officer she was five minutes from home when she was in another city. One grandfather had eight duis before he went to prison. My mother went to prison for driving with other peoples pills. My dad is a drunk who lost his home and everything he owned. I hate the people I come from and I feel like I am doomed to be an alcoholic. I have no one in my life and I miss hurting myself, I miss forgetting about how terrible my life is. Right now I cannot quit feeling like trash around other people which is why I do not talk to anyone. No one taught me how to be strong and take care of myself, and I did not ask to be born to a bunch of crazy people. So the way I see it my drinking is just in my dna. Why do I have to live in hell when I am sober? At least I felt human when I drank. Im sorry for the pity party but I have never felt this awful about my life before. I am having a panic attack. Reality is too much I guess, I never wanted to be a depressed loser, but I have no power over how I feel. Alcoholism is too much a part of me.

Olive1

Hi Acheleus,
I am sorry your are feeling bad right now.
I truly believe that you have the power to make your life so much better than sad and dark alcoholism. Yes, it takes time and work, but it can genuinely be fine and happy and calm and satisfying.
I have faith in you.

BarbieKen

Hi, I'd like to suggest that you pick up your phone right now. Even if you aren't in a 12 Step Program, Please call and they can offer a live person to talk to...I know C.A. Has REAL people answering the phone 24/7. SR is fantastic. But sometimes your spirits will be lifted with a one on one connection. Bobbi

awuh1

The predisposition to alcoholism may be in your DNA, but not the alcohol. Mental health issues may make alcohol look like a good option, but it’s not. Period.

Address what sounds to me like a depression in a way that can in fact get at the root of it. It’s a very treatable problem with the proper professional help. It wouldn’t hurt to sit in a few AA meetings also. Just sit listen. Don’t feel compelled to say anything at this point. That’s all some of us could do at first.

You have some family traditions that sound like they could use changing. Someone’s got to be first.

Mizzuno

Acheleus. You do have power over your thoughts, and how far down you want to travel into the abyss that is your former life. It is a blessing that you are in school and pursuing a higher education. It is a blessing that you are no longer involved in the madness of your mother, and your father. I know that it hurts. I have hurt plenty from the damage of my "Parents." Do not let this be a reason for you to self sabotage. There is nothing to be done about the past. Your future is promising. You have it all right in front of you. There is a change that is taking place in your family. You are stopping the cycle and walking into a different direction. I can understand that you dont want to be an Alcoholic. I dont either, but I am. I accept it for what it is. I am better off for it, and so are you A. We are doing something about it by remaining sober! This is how we are better off. We are not drowning in Alcohol and wasting our time. Please feel this, and then move on. Dont sit in the pain. There is no reason to hold onto things that do not serve you in a positive way. Tomorrow is a whole new day. Keep pushing through. When is your next appointment with the Therapist?
Are you willing to go back to the doctor to speak about this severe depression that you are in?

legna

I got the opportunity to talk with Dave Peltzer a few times back in 2009. He's the fellow that wrote A Boy Called It. Third worst case of child abuse in the state of California and the worst case where the victim survived. He said pretty much the same thing awuh, someone's got to be first. Someone has to break the cycle and if not me...then what of my son?

You have good advice throughout this thread Acheleus - all posted by people who don't even know you but who have taken the time because they care. You don't have to be alone in this if you don't want to...there are people here reaching out. I'm one of them.

ippochick

legna said it best - you can break the cycle. I spiralled into alcoholism believing there was nothing I could do to stop it - it was in my genes, a tribute to my ****** up family.

you can change this. you are doing so, so well. don't fulfil the prophecy by giving up the fight.

Jeni26

Hi Achaleus.

I can relate to much of what you say. My family background was...difficult. I suffered with depression on and off throughout my adult years. I thought that I would never be able to break free from the past. Some things just seemed impossible to let go of, old patterns of behaviour too ingrained. When I had been sober a few months, I dipped a bit. I started feeling an anxiety like never before and I guess that was because I was no longer numb and anaesthetised through drink.

I found a good therapist to talk over those issues. Isolating was bad for me and I had to learn how share things, painful things.

I just wanted you to know that it really is possible to break those chains that keep us tied to the past.

I'm the only one in my family (I have 3 siblings) who has stopped drinking. I am building a new happy sober life for me and my family. And I'm breaking the cycle of violence and abuse that was the norm for my family for generations.

It can be done. And it starts with getting and staying sober.

Best wishes to you x

Acheleus

I have appointments with counselor and doctor who work in the same place. My counselor told me I had depression and i would need to try medication. Earlier I was scared about being alone for the rest of my life because no one would want to be in a relationship with some crazy person from white trash losers. Who would marry me? That persons family would just judge me from not coming from a normal family. Not being drunj is just painful now. This is only day 34 and all these memories are flooding back in technicolor. Drinking helped me forget. Thank you for the support. I really cannot wait to talk to the doctor and get some help. Everything just burns and hurts all the time. I need a cold beer!!

legna

Then how in heck did I get the smartest, most caring, most supportive, loving wife in the world?

Oh yeah...I stayed sober.

There's good things waiting for you. You just have to be there when it comes.

Mizzuno

Good, seeing the doctor seems appropriate. Honestly, I was worried that no one would want to be with me because of my childhood. I was scared of what my in laws would think of me. I am married to a wonderful man who accepts it all. His family loves me, and their love has helped me to heal. Acheleus you are not your parents. You will find that special person that loves you for you. First things first, let's get you on a better position mentally and emotionally. We can worry about your future girlfriend later.

Acheleus

Thank you Miz and all. I have to get stronger and comfortable with feeling upset. When I was walking earlier I smiled and said to myself that I am really doing this, I am staying sober and taking care of my body. Thank you all for the good sense and reminders to be patient in this thing. Nothing can stop me, not depression or alcoholism, because of the good people on SR. Being sober just hurts a little, but the pain will help me grow.

SnwFlower

It's far too early for you to give up on your sobriety already Acheleus. Give it a chance for your body and mind to get rid of those toxins and begin healing. You are a wonderful, intelligent and insightful individual, it all clearly comes through in your posts. You deserve to have a wonderful, healthy and happy life, and you can, you are very capable of it. Many of us have also come from families of high disfunction, and it's up to all of us to be the drivers of our own futures. You can have a wonderful life and your future is an open book for you to write it the way you want. The romance and love will come soon enough, just let the healing take it's priority right now and be kind to yourself in your thoughts.

So glad you are talking to your counselor. Know that you're never alone and you have tremendous support here Acheleus.

Nuudawn

Breaks my heart to hear your pain...and the way you feel about precious you. You are a good soul Achelus. I have no doubt about that. You are you..and nothing less. You are not defined by the actions of others. You are defined by YOUR actions. Here in cyber sober land, I have read the posts of an incredibly authentic young man aspiring to make his life better. You're working hard at school, you're running, you're writing and you a enduring a difficult battle to get to the other side. You are amazing!! You are not trash at all...at all! You can break the chain of addiction that has besieged your family. They are not trash anymore than you...only broken and wounded.

But I have not been reading the posts of someone broken...uh uh..no he's a warrior. You have been writhing in darkness sometimes ..and I, for whatever reason as I don't know you...have worried. But son of a gun...you're still here!
Keep fighting Achelus..you are so worth it. You are the hero of YOUR story.

bemyself

Acheleus, I second the many motions of support and frankly, awe, for you and your clear sighted writings of your struggles. Yes, many of us, myself included, are beset with the demons of depression, family history shite, as well as this b*(&&^er of addiction.

I imagine your title is from William Styron's book? You are clearly very well read, highly articulate, and a deep soul.

I'm waving my prayer flags for you - tattered and faded as Tibetan flags should be :-) [I think they slightly alarm the suburban natives, and did so too back in the country town I used to live in. But who cares? They're a little sign to me and the occasional passing pedestrian that some ancient spirit unites us all - or something :-)]

Big hug to you from Australia, A.

Weasel1966

Acheleus....

You have managed, even with being depressed, to make doctors appointments... AND stay sober for over a Month. That's a great start to relearning how to live life not burdened by someone else's past. But in order to find you own today and tomorrow you are doing it all right.

For me learning to live sober means I have to, in a way, go back to school. What is ken like? What does he need? What does he not need? I had to figure a lot out.

34 or 35 days is just the start.

Would you want your pilot taking you on vacation to have only 35 days behind the stick?

How about a doctor operating on you? 35 days? Hmmm... Where is that liver at?

If in 6 months on the job of staying sober you feel this way I would be very surprised.

I have battled depression all my life. Feels like a fog... Literally a shadow over me that I cannot seem to reach beyond. That can be helped.

Really happy you are posting. Happy you are seeing a doctor and though each day seems insurmountable you always do.

You have inspired me so much this last month!

Thanks!

Ken

Acheleus

Well last night I freaked myself out while I was trying to fall asleep so I posted here. I was thinking about all the things I talked about with my counselor, things that I never admit to anyone else, or discuss openly with people. So in five days I will see her again and on the 12th I have an appointment with the doctor. All of this is at the health center of my school so I am thankful for the resources available to me.

Today is my 35th day of no smoking and no drinking, and I felt bad in the grocery store earlier because I looked around and thought, "gosh, I have gray hair, I look old, people have always told me I look older than I am." This is really bothering me for some reason, but I hope with more time without drinking and smoking that I will not look so old and tired. I'm sure the depression makes me look older as well. So I had a hummus and veggie sandwich for lunch with a big glass of water and I am going to walk, even though it is starting to rain. I don't know what it is but late at night I scare myself and I become terrified that my life up to this point has been absolutely meaningless--the bad relationships, the lost friendships, the constant moving from place to place, never having a stable home, ever. But I can complain or move on, so I am learning to move on and I want to thank everyone on SR who offers support and encouragement to people who are alone and confused about who they are and what they are supposed to do. I was going to head down and visit my father for the 4th, but I knew I would drink, and my counselor told me it would be better to stay home. So even though I really want to go down there I know that my sobriety comes first and I have to make sacrifices. So tomorrow I may drive up to the mountains, but I am going to take it easy for a few days and just relax because I think I deserve it. Thank you all and I hope everyone has a wonderful fourth of July.

So for future reference when I post negative, crazy posts it is usually because I am freaking myself out by imagining all kinds of horrible things that have happened and might happen...I'm trying to work on thinking more positively about things.

Soberpotamus

Post what you need to, Acheleus. We're a good sounding board.

Soberpotamus

I believe you're going to be able to come to terms with things like this pretty soon. I have faith you will I wrestled with similar things for about a year... last year actually, and at age 35! Lol. I really believe you'll work through the physical appearance and age thing... and will come out on the other side, actually liking yourself.

Also, I do not believe you are going to be alone. You are "alone" now but it won't last. You're a great person and others will enjoy your company.

I think you are going through some existential angst, and that is ok. You are working though it all. Just stay the course. It will be worth it.

Soberpotamus

Have you read William Styron's Darkness Visible? I couldn't help but notice the title