Too damaged or not?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Cheyenne
Posts: 52
Too damaged or not?
Been a few days since I posted. I have been around, but in and out of quitting. I can do a few days, and then it's a slip and slide and God, I hate myself. I figured I'd tell a little background, FWIW.
I didn't get caught up into the lies of alcohol until later in life. Went through being molested by a family friend at 9, teen pregnancy, abusive first marraige, poverty, blah blah blah.... didn't resort to the bottle. And then - I was diagnosed with stage 2 B type C breast cancer in 2007. Went through chemo and radiation. Began a downward spiral with booze after treatment.
It seems when most people find a reason to live, I took the other fork in the road. Yes, I am 5 years cancer free. But now killing myself with booze. What is wrong with me? I had 9 days at the end of last week. Not now. If I were reading someone else's story, my heart would break for them. All I can think of myself is, oh dear God, you are so so screwed up. Yes, I drank tonight, just enough for the stupid pity party to get underway. Am done now, and I am praying to God to please take this from me.
I didn't get caught up into the lies of alcohol until later in life. Went through being molested by a family friend at 9, teen pregnancy, abusive first marraige, poverty, blah blah blah.... didn't resort to the bottle. And then - I was diagnosed with stage 2 B type C breast cancer in 2007. Went through chemo and radiation. Began a downward spiral with booze after treatment.
It seems when most people find a reason to live, I took the other fork in the road. Yes, I am 5 years cancer free. But now killing myself with booze. What is wrong with me? I had 9 days at the end of last week. Not now. If I were reading someone else's story, my heart would break for them. All I can think of myself is, oh dear God, you are so so screwed up. Yes, I drank tonight, just enough for the stupid pity party to get underway. Am done now, and I am praying to God to please take this from me.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Praying is good, but god needs you to help too SB. Pity won't help, and either will blaming your drinking on past events. The good news is you do have a choice to drink or not to drink, unlike many of the other event in your past. Many of us have made the choice to not drink, and it's well worth it. I hope you can find the strength to join us.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,423
I prayed to God for many years too SB...
I realise now I was getting the very clear message that He was ready willing and able to help....as soon as I was ready to roll up my sleeves too.
Getting sober is a big ask, but it's not insurmountable.
You got your life back - maybe it's time to start living it again?
D
I realise now I was getting the very clear message that He was ready willing and able to help....as soon as I was ready to roll up my sleeves too.
Getting sober is a big ask, but it's not insurmountable.
You got your life back - maybe it's time to start living it again?
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
I drank to varying degrees for fifty years. Extreme to mild with some long periods of sobriety.
Early in the piece, some decades, I used blame and self pity re my dysfunctional background to excuse the drinking that was exacerbating all my problems.
Essentially booze turned me in to a depressed/anxious miserable mistake for a person.
You mention a reason to live, mine was very shallow, and the grog was a key factor.
After considerable disgrace, moral cowardice, lust and other nasties I ended up in de tox nineteen years ago, post the prior worse stuff.
An introduction to AA along with 5 week treatment simply improved my drinking, only to collapse badly again last January.
My wife was always saying I needed a passion and on returning to AA this year I have found that passion and environment in which to grow
I hope you too can move on within a supportive environment and make up for all your past difficulties. Good luck, and its never too late.
Early in the piece, some decades, I used blame and self pity re my dysfunctional background to excuse the drinking that was exacerbating all my problems.
Essentially booze turned me in to a depressed/anxious miserable mistake for a person.
You mention a reason to live, mine was very shallow, and the grog was a key factor.
After considerable disgrace, moral cowardice, lust and other nasties I ended up in de tox nineteen years ago, post the prior worse stuff.
An introduction to AA along with 5 week treatment simply improved my drinking, only to collapse badly again last January.
My wife was always saying I needed a passion and on returning to AA this year I have found that passion and environment in which to grow
I hope you too can move on within a supportive environment and make up for all your past difficulties. Good luck, and its never too late.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by strawberryblond 
Been a few days since I posted. I have been around, but in and out of quitting. I can do a few days, and then it's a slip and slide and God, I hate myself. I figured I'd tell a little background, FWIW.
I didn't get caught up into the lies of alcohol until later in life. Went through being molested by a family friend at 9, teen pregnancy, abusive first marraige, poverty, blah blah blah.... didn't resort to the bottle. And then - I was diagnosed with stage 2 B type C breast cancer in 2007. Went through chemo and radiation. Began a downward spiral with booze after treatment.
It seems when most people find a reason to live, I took the other fork in the road. Yes, I am 5 years cancer free. But now killing myself with booze. What is wrong with me? I had 9 days at the end of last week. Not now. If I were reading someone else's story, my heart would break for them. All I can think of myself is, oh dear God, you are so so screwed up. Yes, I drank tonight, just enough for the stupid pity party to get underway. Am done now, and I am praying to God to please take this from me.
I didn't get caught up into the lies of alcohol until later in life. Went through being molested by a family friend at 9, teen pregnancy, abusive first marraige, poverty, blah blah blah.... didn't resort to the bottle. And then - I was diagnosed with stage 2 B type C breast cancer in 2007. Went through chemo and radiation. Began a downward spiral with booze after treatment.
It seems when most people find a reason to live, I took the other fork in the road. Yes, I am 5 years cancer free. But now killing myself with booze. What is wrong with me? I had 9 days at the end of last week. Not now. If I were reading someone else's story, my heart would break for them. All I can think of myself is, oh dear God, you are so so screwed up. Yes, I drank tonight, just enough for the stupid pity party to get underway. Am done now, and I am praying to God to please take this from me.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
SB..have you spoken with anybody about the darkness you endured in your past? Have you worked through any of that hurt and violation? You can't drink it away. You cannot drown it...it won't go away through alcoholic suffocation.
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