EndStage

Well as you read from my title, I am 3 months and 14 days sober however, I put my sobriety on the line.
Past several weeks I have been confused, frustrated, could not concentrate, irriated, emotional, ups and downs, and than went numb and getting worse.
I was on the edge and I finally got enough strength to call my sponsor early in the AM as I was driving. I could not tell you why I was driving, but it sounded good at the time. I than realized where I drove too; my last accident. I ended up passing out at the wheel, near a curb, jumped the ditch and nearly took out someone's front porch.
I just feel as if I am going backwards instead of forward. I keep telling myself, "you're doing great within your sobriety...Look how far you've come since day 1..." And no matter what I say to myself, I feel as if It is not good enough, that I am not good enough.
This is how I almost blew my sobriety; I wasn't good enough to be sober.
After talking to my Sponsor who has been sober for years and contiunes to go to AA meetings, has invited me to go with her to one of her meetings. I agreed only after we talked a little more.
Here is the honest truth about me, if I go back to drinking and pick it up again, there will be no going back for me. No more sobriety. Nothing. I would not make it. The bottle will kill me and I would be in the grave 6 feet under only to be forgotten.
I have done AA before, just by myself and did not think I had any issues. THIS TIME, I am going with my sponsor; someone who knows me and will call me out on my BS, and I do have a disease.
Thinking about this post and what would happen if I went back to drinking just sent chills down my spine ... eerie

Nuudawn

I'm a little confused..you haven't been going to AA but have a sponsor?

Regardless, huge kudo's to you for recognizing your sobriety was in jeopardy and doing whatever it takes. That's really something...hope I'm as tough .and insightful if and when the need arises.

EndStage

Nuudawn, I've been going to a group called Celebrate Recovery or CR. We also have sponsors in CR.

sugarbear1

Do you have steps to work in CR?

Those 12 steps of AA saved my life.

EndStage

Yes. Celebrate Recovery is a Christian 12 Step program. CR takes the 12 steps from AA and applies them with biblical principles.

sugarbear1

Well, have you worked those steps yet? They are the key to true recovery and being comfortable with self and the world around us!

EndStage

I have been working the steps. With CR, we only meet once a week. In my early sobriety, it has been very hard for me to stay focused. That is why my sponsor from CR, who as mentioned before has years under her belt in sobriety, suggested that I give AA a try again.

sugarbear1

Well, are ya gonna try it?

EndStage

Yes. As soon as I get off from work, I am meeting my sponsor and we are going to go together. This time it will be different. I am stepping out of my fear of being in a room full of people I do not know, not re-living my past AA experience were I stayed for 1/2 a meeting and walked out. I thought that everyone was crazy and I was nothing like them. Than I kept on drinking myself to death. I have nothing against AA period. At that moment in time, I was in such denial that I didn't even know myself or how much my disease had control over me.

sugarbear1

From someone who fought everything about AA (although I lived in meetings once and had 3 years of sober time put together), try relating to those people. Close your eyes and listen, if you can, see what you have in common....

I spent a lot of time comparing out of AA.... turns out, I'm just another drunk.

I wish you well!

Hugs to you!

EndStage

Thank you sugarbear. I appreciate it.