New and a bit lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Quebec
Posts: 6
New and a bit lost
Hi everyone,
this might be long. I'm going to my first meeting on Friday (recommended to me by a coworker I've been speaking to) but I need to reach out before then I think.
I spent the month of March in the hospital for alcohol dependence and went two and a half months sober afterwards... but in early June I started drinking again and just feel like I'm failing myself and everyone who supported me then. My parents really don't get it. They think that when I relapse I go out having fun stupid times with friends, but I drink alone. I buy a case of beer/bottle/whatever and drink the entire thing myself. My best friend doesn't really want to talk to me anymore because I bring her down, and she lives twelve hours away so it's easy to stay detached.
I am relatively new to this city but I do have a growing network of friends. Not too many people I can talk to, unfortunately. My roommate (and friend) is very supportive and I can talk to her whenever necessary but I just feel this pressing guilt every time I fall back into my old patterns. I break down at work constantly (bad, because I work in the service industry). I don't really feel I can talk to anyone from home because nobody knows the extent of my drinking. I graduated from university in December and everyone always asks what I'm up to, if I'm finding a job in my field or playing music or whatever... but these days I spend most nights at home crying or drinking. I just tell people I'm working on my projects but obviously it's a front.
I've been hospitalized previously for depression also and I'm on medication for that so I KNOW I shouldn't touch alcohol but at times it's the only thing that will calm my anxiety. Stupid, I know, because the next day I feel even worse. I don't know what to do to stop this.
My doctor referred me to an outpatient clinic but I was reaaally uncomfortable there. Everyone else was court-mandated to be there and I found no ways at all to relate to anyone. So I'm going to try a meeting and see if there's any kind of difference.
I know I should think of my own health first but when I get depressed and craving all I do is worry about how I'm letting everyone else in my life down. I've been seeing someone I really like but I want to end it because I feel I should be ok with myself before sharing myself with someone else. I just worry that normalcy will never be a thing for me... that all of my relationships will be destructive, that I'll always be disappointing my parents and my friends and that they are tired of bailing me out of dark places. I try to exercise, to play my instruments or be productive in little ways every day but my house is a mess and I have lost interest in so many things I used to love. I just keep falling in and out of black holes and I wish I were self-sufficient and *happy* at the very least. I felt happy again when I was sober for a while but it was so easy to fall back into drinking and it feels impossible to get out again.
I'm sorry for this long post, I'm not sure if I even followed the rules of the forum properly but I needed to get this out somewhere.
this might be long. I'm going to my first meeting on Friday (recommended to me by a coworker I've been speaking to) but I need to reach out before then I think.
I spent the month of March in the hospital for alcohol dependence and went two and a half months sober afterwards... but in early June I started drinking again and just feel like I'm failing myself and everyone who supported me then. My parents really don't get it. They think that when I relapse I go out having fun stupid times with friends, but I drink alone. I buy a case of beer/bottle/whatever and drink the entire thing myself. My best friend doesn't really want to talk to me anymore because I bring her down, and she lives twelve hours away so it's easy to stay detached.
I am relatively new to this city but I do have a growing network of friends. Not too many people I can talk to, unfortunately. My roommate (and friend) is very supportive and I can talk to her whenever necessary but I just feel this pressing guilt every time I fall back into my old patterns. I break down at work constantly (bad, because I work in the service industry). I don't really feel I can talk to anyone from home because nobody knows the extent of my drinking. I graduated from university in December and everyone always asks what I'm up to, if I'm finding a job in my field or playing music or whatever... but these days I spend most nights at home crying or drinking. I just tell people I'm working on my projects but obviously it's a front.
I've been hospitalized previously for depression also and I'm on medication for that so I KNOW I shouldn't touch alcohol but at times it's the only thing that will calm my anxiety. Stupid, I know, because the next day I feel even worse. I don't know what to do to stop this.
My doctor referred me to an outpatient clinic but I was reaaally uncomfortable there. Everyone else was court-mandated to be there and I found no ways at all to relate to anyone. So I'm going to try a meeting and see if there's any kind of difference.
I know I should think of my own health first but when I get depressed and craving all I do is worry about how I'm letting everyone else in my life down. I've been seeing someone I really like but I want to end it because I feel I should be ok with myself before sharing myself with someone else. I just worry that normalcy will never be a thing for me... that all of my relationships will be destructive, that I'll always be disappointing my parents and my friends and that they are tired of bailing me out of dark places. I try to exercise, to play my instruments or be productive in little ways every day but my house is a mess and I have lost interest in so many things I used to love. I just keep falling in and out of black holes and I wish I were self-sufficient and *happy* at the very least. I felt happy again when I was sober for a while but it was so easy to fall back into drinking and it feels impossible to get out again.
I'm sorry for this long post, I'm not sure if I even followed the rules of the forum properly but I needed to get this out somewhere.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Hi and Welcome,
It sounds like you're dealing with depression and I wonder if you've ever talked to your dr about this? Alcohol is a depressant, so stopping drinking could make a big difference. However, if the depression was already there, then you might find that medication would be something to consider.
Have you considered seeing a therapist or counsellor one-on-one, if the outpatient clinic didn't work for you? Going to AA meetings as you are doing, sounds like a good idea. Try to not be too hard on yourself that you're letting down your parents and friends. Be kind to yourself.
It sounds like you're dealing with depression and I wonder if you've ever talked to your dr about this? Alcohol is a depressant, so stopping drinking could make a big difference. However, if the depression was already there, then you might find that medication would be something to consider.
Have you considered seeing a therapist or counsellor one-on-one, if the outpatient clinic didn't work for you? Going to AA meetings as you are doing, sounds like a good idea. Try to not be too hard on yourself that you're letting down your parents and friends. Be kind to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
The good folks at AA will help you through this mess.
They have been helping me for nearly 24 yrs. AA will get you sober and restore you to sanity.
All the best.
Bob R (near Windsor, On)
They have been helping me for nearly 24 yrs. AA will get you sober and restore you to sanity.
All the best.
Bob R (near Windsor, On)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome sarafinae
A lot of us battle alcoholism, or addiction, and depression.
I think it's really important to tackle both....and to recognise that being well will take a little time...I wish it was quicker, but it's not an overnight process...and some of the journey will probably be a little uncomfortable too.
That's why support is so important, I think
you will find a lot of support and encouragement here tho - you're not alone...and I'm very glad you found us
D
A lot of us battle alcoholism, or addiction, and depression.
I think it's really important to tackle both....and to recognise that being well will take a little time...I wish it was quicker, but it's not an overnight process...and some of the journey will probably be a little uncomfortable too.
That's why support is so important, I think
you will find a lot of support and encouragement here tho - you're not alone...and I'm very glad you found us
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 173
Welcome! I'm sure you will find a lot of good advice and support here. I've dealt with anxiety and depression pretty much my entire life, and right now I'm only on day 26,but I have had much longer stretches of sober time and I find it much more manageable when I'm not drinking.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by sarafinae 
I was with the same doctor during both hospitalizations. He's given me lots of advice and resources to try but I've been really nervous about trying them...
Part of us KNOWS we have to get help and part doesn't trust enough to let go.
Let go and AA will catch you. It will.
All the best.
Bob R
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I can really relate to your story. I also have depression that I've struggled with for a long time... and anxiety... and I have creative projects that I would wish I was working on but instead I'd just be drinking.
You said you were sober for a while, do you remember the beginning? It's hard, but as someone with depression, it's not anything you don't know how to handle. That helped me a lot... when I was able to recognize, "OK, this is just like being really, really depressed" and instead of wishing it would go away, I just settled down and waited through it. I distracted myself as much as possible with movies and books and video games and didn't push myself to be accomplishing anything other than not drinking.
After a while, I was shocked to discover how much better I felt. I mean, intellectually I know that you know you'll feel better. But I think you've forgotten what it really feels like on an emotional level.
Why not make a short commitment, just six weeks to start? Just to remind yourself what it feels like?
You said you were sober for a while, do you remember the beginning? It's hard, but as someone with depression, it's not anything you don't know how to handle. That helped me a lot... when I was able to recognize, "OK, this is just like being really, really depressed" and instead of wishing it would go away, I just settled down and waited through it. I distracted myself as much as possible with movies and books and video games and didn't push myself to be accomplishing anything other than not drinking.
After a while, I was shocked to discover how much better I felt. I mean, intellectually I know that you know you'll feel better. But I think you've forgotten what it really feels like on an emotional level.
Why not make a short commitment, just six weeks to start? Just to remind yourself what it feels like?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
Some really good advice here; I agree with what Anna said, it sounds to me like you still have some serious anxiety / depression issues going on and in that case you will benefit greatly not only by eliminating alcohol but by treating the underlying problem of possibly having clinical depression. The main hurdle you seem to be facing is fear of the unknown and while the unknown is frightening, if you consider that you're extremely unhappy in your current situation, it almost seems to me that things could only improve once you walk through some of this fear and begin to make some changes, no matter how small. Depression feeds upon itself. The more you withdraw into your shell the more depressed you will become, and the more you'll continue to feel scared and alone. It is a vicious cycle.
So your first step is to ask for help and you ARE doing that here and now! Fantastic! The next step will be 24 hours without a drink, because it will be hard for you to make any progress even with meds and therapy as long as you are adding alcohol into the mix. I did it too, and it was a disaster. Getting a day or two sober may seem daunting, but once you do this, you will begin to have a clearer idea of where to go for help with the mental issues and you'll feel better too - less anxiety, less fear. So make tomorrow a day without a drink. We will support you. Do whatever it takes to just get that one day and then go from there. I will be rooting for you, I know you can do it. There is hope. I have been where you are. I promise it can get better.
So your first step is to ask for help and you ARE doing that here and now! Fantastic! The next step will be 24 hours without a drink, because it will be hard for you to make any progress even with meds and therapy as long as you are adding alcohol into the mix. I did it too, and it was a disaster. Getting a day or two sober may seem daunting, but once you do this, you will begin to have a clearer idea of where to go for help with the mental issues and you'll feel better too - less anxiety, less fear. So make tomorrow a day without a drink. We will support you. Do whatever it takes to just get that one day and then go from there. I will be rooting for you, I know you can do it. There is hope. I have been where you are. I promise it can get better.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
You are your priority. I think you are wise with respect to the relationship perhaps being ...postponed. You need to get right with you..for you...and nobody else. This forum is a wealth of support, so its a great place to help you get back on track whilst you await your first meeting. For me, I deal with the "right now"..committing to sobriety in the present...committing to the day...that's all I can really wrap my brain around. And it's all I have anyway..right now. I want to be in control of my right now. I can't be in control if I escape it with alcohol. If I drink, I'm absent and I can't control anything in my absence.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Tomorrow's a new day. Choose something to do that's as easy and mindless as drinking... anything you like to do that is super low energy... and allow yourself to do that and not feel guilty about it as long as you're not drinking.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Welcome to SR sara! Yeah, those 'little things' you noted - even they're incomprehensibly hard to do when depression as well as addiction has a hold of us.
But: if you can, even just for a few moments or an hour, try to ease up on yourself. You are carrying a lot of stuff about your own life, as well as how you appear to others who matter to you. All of that can make our depression and addictions even worse, a kind of interminable living nightmare.
You don't have to be in that place, in that, you don't need to 'make it all better' for yourself or those close to you RIGHT NOW. Perhaps, just for NOW, stick with a bit of that knitting, or a spot of jamming (good on you, , I'm envious!), and such like.
You've just joined an incredible virtual community. All of us have battled with what you're going through; many of us still do. There are some super interesting people on here, so please, stick around. Read a lot. Post when you feel like it. Ponder whatever things people say to you that might feel helpful. You'll soon again be that vibrant person.
Hugs from Australia.
But: if you can, even just for a few moments or an hour, try to ease up on yourself. You are carrying a lot of stuff about your own life, as well as how you appear to others who matter to you. All of that can make our depression and addictions even worse, a kind of interminable living nightmare.
You don't have to be in that place, in that, you don't need to 'make it all better' for yourself or those close to you RIGHT NOW. Perhaps, just for NOW, stick with a bit of that knitting, or a spot of jamming (good on you, , I'm envious!), and such like.
You've just joined an incredible virtual community. All of us have battled with what you're going through; many of us still do. There are some super interesting people on here, so please, stick around. Read a lot. Post when you feel like it. Ponder whatever things people say to you that might feel helpful. You'll soon again be that vibrant person.
Hugs from Australia.
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