ckoures

Yikes. I've been able to maintain my sobriety, in part, because my husband polices it with complete impunity. So, he leaves for Sunday - and I'm off and tearing. I've realized now I cannot be a one glass and quit kind of person. There's the whole damn bottle sitting smiling at me. So I got really drunk. And he knows. To say he is angry, is an understatement.

I question what it says about me, to have eight months with no problem (and I do not crave it, when not drinking. When I am bored, it fills the time and then I crave it.)

Perhaps I have never really realized I have no control of myself, and therefore really am an alcoholic.

I'm just so overwhelmed with shame and pain - and the overwhelming urge to die. What in God's name was I thinking.

PickledPink

Hey, you know what? It's ok! One thing I learned when I first got sober is that YOU have to do it, otherwise exactly what you've just described is what will happen. It's just part of the process, I think. Your husband polices because he probably doesn't know how else to help you.

I think that one of the reasons I was able to stay sober the first time was being pregnant and breast feeding. It wasn't really "me", and now that those types of factors aren't present, it was easy for me to take that flying leap off the wagon.

This time, I'm doing it for myself and taking control. I have to, otherwise I will be in this cycle forever. I hope you can forgive yourself, please know that what happened is normal and part of staying sober. Take care and stay here! I really think this site is great!

ckoures

Thanks! I am dreading trying to talk to him. He vowed to leave me if it ever happened again. And it did. Ugh. But of course, it doesn't help that he mocks me, with constant reminders that I will "screw up." Well, I did. And I understand so much what you said about having to do it for yourself. I did it for him. I did it for my kids. And I cannot do that. Thanks you. And best to you.

Nuudawn

Pick self up, dust self off and carry on..not drinking for YOU..not your husband's policing. Desire self control of you ultimately...aim for your own mastery. Your husband should not be in control of your sobriety. If so, you will rebel...perhaps, like you did.

ckoures

Excellent point. Thank you. This dusting off gets old, in time. Doesn't it?

PickledPink

Yep, mine said the same thing the first time and he was away at a course (we were military) and he didn't talk to me at all for the first 2 weeks that I was in treatment. It was hard, I was crushed! And he also reminded me of my "big bag of garbage" that was my drinking, and that he didn't want it. It took a long time for us to heal, but I think the ones we love have a right to be angry, it's confusing.

You just can't beat yourself up. That's tough to be mocked and threatened. He doesn't understand that it's not helpful. As rough as this is to say and hear, if he leaves, he leaves. Just like you said, you have to get healthy for you! Otherwise it won't work and you'll never feel as though you deserve his love anyway. I'm a true believer in that! So, chin up and focus on you.

Do you have any other support options? Like meetings, therapy? I think therapy can help immensely. You should be super proud for even recognizing that you have a problem!

ckoures

Thanks. You are right. He does have a right to be angry. I hid in my bedroom (we haven't slept together in years) last night. Anything to avoid the confrontation. But at some point, I am going to have to come out and face the music. And maybe it is best if he leaves, or I leave. We don't seem to be kind to each other. I am trying not to beat myself into oblivion. And I am going to get back into therapy. Just when I thought I had it licked...

Nuudawn

Yikes..sounds like you have a whole goin' on there (or not goin' on there in your marriage). My therapist has been crucial to my recovery (like SR)...only way to assess the state of your marriage is with sober, full possession of your faculities. We can only hide in the dark for so long...come out into the light and reclaim your life.

PickledPink

"Just when I thought I had it licked..." Exactly! It's what put that beer back into my hand last year. I got a little bit too comfortable after years of sobriety. In a group I used to go to, they would say "one day at a time"! Ha! For me, it was "one hour at a time". I had to take hourly inventory of where I was emotionally, that was overwhelming. But, I had to do it. It gets easier, you did it before and now you've learned what a relapse feels like.

ckoures

You are kind. And you're right, I have a whole lot of "going on" in my marriage. And not much of it is good. How do you take an emotional inventory? What does that means?

PickledPink

For me, I had to learn what caused me to drink and focus on that before I had any chance of being sober. That's what I meant by "inventory". For me, I drank because I was bored, lonely and well shoot, I just LOVED everything a whole lot more when I was drinking. So, I had to really look at myself and why I felt so lonely, bored, scared, etc...it's a lot of "me" time, but it helped. I had to learn how to recognize what feelings I was having and that they made me want to drink. In a way, it's like untraining your brain.

You have to focus on your reasons for drinking as well as making sure you're physically healthy. If you're tired, take a nap. Eat smaller meals more frequently, drink water- take care of your body as well as your mind. From what I've learned, thinks like hunger can sort of trigger a craving for alcohol. Probably because alcoholics are nutritionally unbalanced due to the physical effects of alcohol. If you're angry, vent. That's why I think therapy is such an important part of getting sober. Especially when you need to work on YOU but have so many barriers at home.

Nuudawn

You know that is one of the AA 12 steps...so perhaps someone who has taken that step could give more insight into that. Although I am not in AA, I am definitely in the process of "personal recovery". I would say that in order to start taking your emotional inventory you have to find "you" and your own voice. Your actual fine true self (not that petulant addictive whine that wants everything RFN). One of my therapists greatest "gold nuggets" of advice was telling me to start LISTENING to me...all the time..no matter what...

You have always been there..but if you are anything like me..you have second guessed, dismissed and discredited your own wisdom..so you have to work on giving "her" room to speak cuz she has ALOT of fine things to say to you. And when we dismiss our true selves..we later beat ourselves up for doing it! We know..we knew better..we heard her (or him if that's the case

ckoures

Excellent advice. I think our emotional inventory is very similar, and I like the quiet peaceful feeling, that just can't be maintained no matter how hard I try. I've never been too good about "me."

ckoures

Thank you, again. Excellent and timely advice.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I understand that your husband is angry about your drinking. However, I draw the line at verbal abuse. It's abuse plain and simple and is not acceptable. You deserve better than that.

I also agree with the others who said having your husband monitor you is not the way to go. Recovery is REALLY hard and you need to do it for yourself.

I'm so glad you found us and know that this is a safe place for you and we do understand.

ckoures

Thanks, Anna. It has always been hard for me to separate what I believe is well deserved criticism, and abuse. Kind of all rolls into one, for me. We have a family vacation planned in two days. Turns out, he's not going to let me go. So, there you have it. As my children, say., "You are an idiot."

PickledPink

Hon, I hope you find solace here and I'm sorry you're hurting. Don't let anyone call you an idiot. Start there. No one deserves that, drunk or not. Use that to fuel your recovery.