Bebetter

Heading to my in-laws lake house on Thursday for the weekend. My father-in-law is a big drinker, but has a pattern that works for him. My brothers-in-law and husband will be drinking a lot too. I'm kind of at a loss about what to say when the wine glass is put at my table spot. I have no problem not drinking around them all, but I don't want to be the focus of any inappropriate questions.

I'm thinking of telling a portion of the truth... something along the lines of "too many parties in June, I'm taking a break from drinking." If I let on that this is a permanent change, I'll be the focus of talk behind my back. The questions will be there (in past sobriety times, I have been point blank asked "Why aren't you drinking?" or "Are you pregnant?"

Any other advice? I dread this in social situations as well. I don't need anyone to know my business, except my closest friends and husband.

ScottFromWI

If this isn't the most commonly asked question here, it's got to be in the top 3.

For the most part, people really don't care one way or the other if we drink. Our alcoholic mind just makes us think that they do. The vast majority of the time, simply saying no when asked if you'd like a drink is going to be all you need to say. And the handful of times that people ask why, something simple like "I'm taking a break" is more than adequate.

fantail

I think that line sounds perfect. Taking a break has worked for me. And if anyone is interested, I then talk truthfully about the positives that I'm seeking (as opposed to the negatives I'm trying to avoid). E.g., my yoga practice or improved sleep, etc.

I find framing it that way lets me talk honestly about sobriety if anyone feels the need to question, so that I don't feel backed into a corner. Usually no one asks for more info though.

doggonecarl

If you have a problem with people accepting that you don't drink, if you are worried people are going to talk, you have a problem. "No thanks" works on other people. It works less effectively to the voice in our heads that tell us to drink. Discomfort in social situations can be a real trigger for drinking. I'd caution you to be less concerned about what people think and focus on staying sober. And with you summer itinerary of drinking related activities, you are going to be challenged.

I wish you well.

Anna

I have pretty strong feelings on this topic. I firmly believe 'No thanks' is the perfect response. If people don't want to accept your polite 'No', then perhaps they are being rude? Remember that you don't owe anyone an explanation, and I don't think lying is the answer.

Bebetter

Well, I actually DO care what my in-laws think, and I DON'T feel comfortable being the topic of behind-my-back conversation. It's not like these are people who I can get away from. I love my husband and am not looking to be ostracized.

Like I said, I'm not drinking. I have no problem not drinking at these family events, and even if they DID talk behind my back, I'm still not drinking. However, I have been sober for years in the past, and maybe my in-laws are a$$holes, but the questions come. And they are rude, and they are pointed. Take this time as an example. My son just died. My in-laws come to visit and offer support and I simply say "No thanks" to a glass of wine because I didn't want to grieve through a drunken fog, and my father-in-law says "Why not? Are you on some kind of medication that you can't drink?" So what then?

I don't think people care whether I drink or not, but they want to know why I'm not drinking. Last time I got sober, I went to a Superbowl party at the neighbor's house and declined a beer. The host asked me "Why aren't you drinking? Are you pregnant?" Really? What's the answer to that question? If you are pregnant, it's nobody's business. I wasn't, and felt put on the spot in front of the whole neighborhood. It's pressure I'd rather not feel in large groups, which make me nervous enough as it is.

That's why I asked this question. Because I live in a real world where I DO care what my family and neighbors think, and I don't want to go around airing every sordid detail of my drunken life.

And thank you for the responses about focusing on the positive. I work out a lot and quitting drinking is going to really change my body. I'll focus on that.

Tang

Anna, while agree with you 100% my personal experience is that most people are rude on this topic. So I have to role play answers in my head. People can be very nosy and want to hear there is something wrong with you. I even had one client at a sales dinner say to me "I don't trust people who don't drink." If that isn't the most rude juvenile ignorant comment on the planet, I don't know what is. Most people still think alcoholism is a failure of character or self discipline. Many, men especially, pounce on these perceived weaknesses in their fellow humans.

Nonsensical

I just say, "No, thank you." Fortunately I have yet to encounter anyone who cared to take issue with it.

If you are making a permanent change, isn't it inevitable that you'll have to let it be known? Is there a specific event that needs to happen before you can tell them, or just waiting to feel a bit more comfortable in sobriety?

Wow. You run with a tough crowd.