The shame....
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Inbetween dances
Posts: 548
The shame....
I laid in bed with my dear daughter tonight and asked her if she prayed to god tonight. She said yes. I told her I did to and thanked him for her and the rest of my family. I said I love you and we just chit chatted. My son came in, and laid with us then, and we all started talking, and I realized at that point, that a lot of my memories from the last 5+ years are hinged on drinking. It's so sad. From painting a bedroom to toddler beds to new pets. What the eff have I created as far as memories for my kids? It creates anxiety for me. But as hard as I did work in the past, and threw it away because I just had to keep trying to be normal, I have found a serenity today in knowing that I just can't do what others do. I cannot drink safely. I am an alcoholic. It doesn't matter what others think of me. It matters what I think of me. It matters how I choose to deal with this cunning and baffling disease. I matter. I haven't lost anything, but time and dignity
My dear son saw my drunken state last night, and he was angry with me. We talked about it this morning and I think we both felt better. Of course I did t want to have to have that conversation, again, but it's all part of the plan. Those are the consequences of my actions. And because of it, I once again can look at recovery through positive eyes. There is no shame in asking for help, the shame for me is in trying to repeatedly show the world that I too can drink like them, and then just proving I am wrong. I may be wrong, but I have today, right now, sober to prove that I can get into recovery, with both feet.
My dear son saw my drunken state last night, and he was angry with me. We talked about it this morning and I think we both felt better. Of course I did t want to have to have that conversation, again, but it's all part of the plan. Those are the consequences of my actions. And because of it, I once again can look at recovery through positive eyes. There is no shame in asking for help, the shame for me is in trying to repeatedly show the world that I too can drink like them, and then just proving I am wrong. I may be wrong, but I have today, right now, sober to prove that I can get into recovery, with both feet.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
Congrats on making the decision to get sober. Stick with it. Sobriety is worth it. You are worth it.
It made a huge difference in my life when my mom started getting sober when I was a teenager. I think her choice led me to be sober for most of my adult life. I am so grateful for that!
Good luck to you!
It made a huge difference in my life when my mom started getting sober when I was a teenager. I think her choice led me to be sober for most of my adult life. I am so grateful for that!
Good luck to you!
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by fallingtogether 
I laid in bed with my dear daughter tonight and asked her if she prayed to god tonight. She said yes. I told her I did to and thanked him for her and the rest of my family. I said I love you and we just chit chatted. My son came in, and laid with us then, and we all started talking, and I realized at that point, that a lot of my memories from the last 5+ years are hinged on drinking. It's so sad. From painting a bedroom to toddler beds to new pets. What the eff have I created as far as memories for my kids? It creates anxiety for me. But as hard as I did work in the past, and threw it away because I just had to keep trying to be normal, I have found a serenity today in knowing that I just can't do what others do. I cannot drink safely. I am an alcoholic. It doesn't matter what others think of me. It matters what I think of me. It matters how I choose to deal with this cunning and baffling disease. I matter. I haven't lost anything, but time and dignity
My dear son saw my drunken state last night, and he was angry with me. We talked about it this morning and I think we both felt better. Of course I did t want to have to have that conversation, again, but it's all part of the plan. Those are the consequences of my actions. And because of it, I once again can look at recovery through positive eyes. There is no shame in asking for help, the shame for me is in trying to repeatedly show the world that I too can drink like them, and then just proving I am wrong. I may be wrong, but I have today, right now, sober to prove that I can get into recovery, with both feet.
My dear son saw my drunken state last night, and he was angry with me. We talked about it this morning and I think we both felt better. Of course I did t want to have to have that conversation, again, but it's all part of the plan. Those are the consequences of my actions. And because of it, I once again can look at recovery through positive eyes. There is no shame in asking for help, the shame for me is in trying to repeatedly show the world that I too can drink like them, and then just proving I am wrong. I may be wrong, but I have today, right now, sober to prove that I can get into recovery, with both feet.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Hey, falling....such a beautiful vignette of you and your kids, lolling about and talking. All power to you. It brought a little tear to my eye, remembering doing the same with my girls (adults, now, and estranged). So it's wonderful that you're doing this NOW.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Hi. It took me too long to accept that I could not drink in safety, try as I might. I needed AA back then to show me the way and still go years later for maintenance. One of the suggestions was to think about NON drinking things like kids, work, honeydos, deep sea diving etc. There are many here also with good helpful plans. BE WELL
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Inbetween dances
Posts: 548
So this morning I was thinking more about alcoholism and hangovers. In my world, the alcoholic hangover consists of minimizing and manipulation. Talking down the night before and plotting ways to drink again to make the pain go away. A normal persons hangover keeps them in bed for a few extra hours and they wouldn't think of drinking again for a couple days or something. I have drank away a hangover in the morning a few times. If that isn't proof, what is? Gosh, it's just ridiculous to think that I still need to work on acceptance..... Yeah, I'm an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by fallingtogether
So this morning I was thinking more about alcoholism and hangovers. In my world, the alcoholic hangover consists of minimizing and manipulation. Talking down the night before and plotting ways to drink again to make the pain go away. A normal persons hangover keeps them in bed for a few extra hours and they wouldn't think of drinking again for a couple days or something. I have drank away a hangover in the morning a few times. If that isn't proof, what is? Gosh, it's just ridiculous to think that I still need to work on acceptance..... Yeah, I'm an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
AA gave me my God back.
I thought I was an agnostic/atheist but I had just pushed God way to the back as I carried on in my alcoholism. I couldn't have God and my drunken ways too.
I invite God to come with me wherever I go today .. and He does.
All the best.
Bob R
I thought I was an agnostic/atheist but I had just pushed God way to the back as I carried on in my alcoholism. I couldn't have God and my drunken ways too.
I invite God to come with me wherever I go today .. and He does.
All the best.
Bob R
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
A sober parent is a better parent. I decided I didn't want to just be a parent but that I wanted to be a better parent because that is what my son deserves. What are your thoughts are working on your sobriety?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Inbetween dances
Posts: 548
Originally Posted by 2granddaughters
AA gave me my God back.
I thought I was an agnostic/atheist but I had just pushed God way to the back as I carried on in my alcoholism. I couldn't have God and my drunken ways too.
I invite God to come with me wherever I go today .. and He does.
All the best.
Bob R
I thought I was an agnostic/atheist but I had just pushed God way to the back as I carried on in my alcoholism. I couldn't have God and my drunken ways too.
I invite God to come with me wherever I go today .. and He does.
All the best.
Bob R
One day at a time.
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