bluefade

Ok, please forgive me, I'm very new to this site. When I say I'm new I mean that I literally signed up 2 min ago and 4 min before that is when I was aware this site existed. Here is my problem. I am 35 and I drink to the point of passing out every single night. I did it last night, the night before, and will be doing it tonight. I severely need help, which is why I am here. I live in Colorado and am having a hard time finding programs to help me. This is my main question. I live a very lonely life and I am a very shy person. I have no girlfriend or wife. I haven't been in a relationship since 2006. Part of the reason is that I don't want my secret life of being an alcoholic to come out. None of my family and friends are aware that I have this addiction. I have been a severe alcoholic since my dad died in 2006. I have hid it extremely well. I don't drink at work and when I am around anybody I know, whether they are family or friends, I act like I don't want anything to drink, giving them the illusion that I am a responsible drinker even though drinking is all I am thinking about. If the cravings get to bad I make up an excuse to leave and rush home to drink. I am very embarrassed about this addiction and telling my family would be really bad as they already have a low opinion of me. Any advice on how I can jar myself free of this lonely cycle. It may seem easy for some but I am extremely ashamed and embarrassed by this and don't have a clue as to who I should go to. I just want someone to know. Anyone. Someone who could help me through this. Any advice would mean the world to me. Thank you and sorry for the long story, but like I said, it's my first time here.

Danae

Hi Bluefade,

Welcome to SR. So glad you decided to join us. This can be a great community and a safe place to find support.

I don't have any immediate advice other than to read what other posters on SR have been through, and you may feel less alone. I was certainly ashamed and secretive about my drinking and didn't think I would be able to stop. It took me a number of tries, but I finally did it. I haven't had a drink in 2 1/2 years now and SR had a large part in it.

Stick around and keep posting!

Danae

Danae

Also I would recommend reading the "stickies" at the top of the page, there's lots of good info there. The alcoholism forum is useful even if you are a newcomer. I did a lot of reading there when I first joined and it made me feel less alone.

Eddiebuckle

Bluefade,

I'm not sure what type of program you are looking for, but I can say from personal experience that quitting can be extremely difficult and hazardous - more hazardous than most "hard" drugs. Inpatient treatment was the route I took, but there are other options as well. Here is the link for alcoholics anonymous in Co Springs. They will have information on local resources for getting the help you need.

Colorado Springs A.A. - Home

Most of all, please know that even though it may feel like you are alone, there are thousands of recovering alcoholics in your area who are now living lives they wouldn't have dreamed possible while they were drinking. However, every one of them had to reach out for help and commit to sobriety to get there. I hope today is your day.

Good luck, you can do this.

Eddie

bluefade

Wow! thank you so much Danae. I wasn't expecting anyone to reply that quickly. Thank you for your kind words and advice. Having someone who I've never met before give me advice already makes me feel less alone. So thank you. It is a relief to talk to people who know what I'm going through. I will keep posting as I think I may have struck gold finding this site. Hopefully I can break this curse and become sober. That's my dream anyway. I'm not sure if this should be an honor or not, but you are literally the first person in the world that I have ever talked to or that I have openly admitted to being an alcoholic too. It feels good to let someone out there know, even though it's only through this website, so thank you again for that.

bluefade

Thanks Eddie, I'm getting way more feedback than I thought possible. Thank you for the link. It's a scary concept to think of myself going to AA, but I suppose I need to get over my shyness and embarrassment one way or another. Thank you.

Hevyn

Welcome bluefade! You're not alone anymore - you have us. We all understand what it's like to be caught in that vicious cycle.

I'm very sorry for all you've been through, but here's where it can end. You don't need to continue on that way - you can have a whole new life. I'm a shy person too, and I thought drinking was the perfect answer. Unfortunately it ended up making me even more isolated and anxious. Please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed - you're among friends here. We can all relate to your situation and we want to help.

cbsmith

I'm sure there's an AA meeting around you that will welcome you in open arms. good luck

Notmyrealname

Bluefade I'm coming from a pretty similar situation, tomorrow is a week sober for me.

What helped me a lot when I came to this forum was seeing both the posts from people who were in the same or similar straits as me, which made me feel less alone, but also posts from people who were in my situation but who got sober and stayed there--that gave me hope that it can be done. Also, there's a lot of good general information, like I didn't know that people have seizures sometimes in detoxing (that's sort of good to know..), and there's a lot of information about recovery methods as well.

You are looking for help, that's the first step, that's great! Good luck, and I hope things get better.

OH PS chat on here is pretty entertaining usually lots of nice people

Danae

Hey Bluefade,

I do feel honored that I'm the first person (even virtually) that acknowledged what you said. That is a big step you took, and I'm sure you have it in you to take more.

I'm pretty introverted myself, and wasn't comfortable talking to people about my drinking, I was far too ashamed and scared. I did eventually psych myself up to attend some AA meetings, even though it was hard. I think it is worth a shot, even if (maybe especially if) you don't think it is your type of thing.

I didn't end up attending AA long term but I do think it is a great option. They gave me a copy of the Big Book and other literature, which I read and appreciate. I found that meetings differed a great deal from each other, so it is probably worth trying a few and not writing it off if you find one you don't like.

But whatever you do, know that you are in good company here!

Danae

BabyJane

You are not alone Bluefade. Just remember that. Alcoholism is an all-consuming thing and it tends to lead to isolation and loneliness. I drank alone at home too, often after being out with friends who drank but didn't seem to take it as far as I did every night. I was blacking out a lot toward the end, waking up in all kinds of weird places and always to the nightmare of my reality. I wanted it to go away but didn't want help in the beginning. After trying to do it my way over and over again I finally got desperate enough to reach out a little bit like you're doing here! So a good step in the right direction! If getting sober is your dream right now I would say you can absolutely do it if you get some assistance. Don't be ashamed. You are sick you need to get well, that's all.

MeSoSober

Kinda how I felt when I "discovered" SR too. So, so many wonderful and wonderfully supportive people here, you never have to feel alone!

It's great that you're willing to step outside your comfort zone and try AA, but be aware that there are also many other means/methods of quitting. If one doesn't work for you, another one might! A lot of people try several and just kind of pick and choose what works best for them. You can read a lot more about AA and other alternatives here. Some people (like me) even use SR as their primary or even sole means of support.

Welcome to you!

quitforme79

Welcome to SR bluefade. I too hid my alcoholism very well. Until the very end of my drinking one bad night. But that's when I decided to change my life and quit. Not having to live a double life anymore has brought a freedom and peace I can't explain. Just know that you can have it too. AA has helped me learn (still learning) how to live a sober life. The gifts are endless. I keep saying the latter sentence lately but that's how I feel. So grateful to be in recovery. There's an AA hotline you can call if you want to talk to someone to learn more about it. If you are too nervous to go to your first meeting alone I believe they can have someone meet up with you before or pick you up. In the beginning I read a lot on SR, it was very helpful.

bluefade

My God! You are all amazing people. I have never felt such an immediate acceptance by people before and the fact that I have never met any of you and you all are so caring to someone who is only words on a page is incredible. Thank you. I thank you all for the amazing advice. I am not the type of guy who gets emotional over much, but you guy's have brought some unexpected tears to my eyes. I hope that doesn't mean I have to turn in my man card lol!!

I know now that I am not the only one dealing/or has dealt with this in the past. Hopefully tomorrow will be my first day of my new life. If you wonder why not tonight, well I was already drinking when I found this amazing site so I can't really count tonight.
I have tried quitting before and the longest I've went in one shot over the past 7 years is a month 1/2. I hope I can break that record a million times over. I can't believe it has taken me so long to find this site. I will do my best to keep you all informed and be as honest as possible. The advice you guy's give is awesome. I have received more information from you and this site in an hour then all my other research combined. Thank you and stay awesome.

Dejvice

Well it looks like you already started by posting on SR......thats a a good step. You can spend hours and hours reading good and bad experiences with alcoholism and other addictions......the good stories are where you coud be tomorrow.....next week.....next month.....next year etc. the bad stories are where you could end up.....and some members exp are really difficult.. A lot of people have been brave enough to share their experiences here.....read em all, it will open your eyes to it all.

As regards nobody knows you are an alcoholic, well I guess somebody has already guesed it or knows it, or figured it out. You would be really surprised how some people see it or know it. Even in my own workplace secret alcoholics exist......they think nobody knows.

So well done for taking a step in the right direction, it will change your life for The better.

thekl0wn

Much great advice has been given already.

Just know that you're not alone! My mom was shocked when I told her, because I rarely ever drank more than 1-2 beers around the family. I always wanted to give off that appearance of the "Golden Boy".

When I walked through the doors of AA, I was pleasantly surprised at the fact that the people there were having the exact same thoughts as I was.

SnwFlower

Welcome Bluefade! Glad you found SR!

I can also identify with your situation, as I hid my drinking in my daily bottle of wine (or 2) at home. I didn't drink much in public either, and haven't been in a relationship in a few years, so I was also a lone drinker. Finding SR was a lifesaver for me. I quit on my own, so I don't have any good advice about recovery groups like AA etc., except that I've heard that they are very helpful. Talking to your doctor about quitting is a very good idea.

You'll find lots of support, wisdom and encouragement here Bluefade. Welcome!

Sasha4

I am glad you found us. Welcome to our family!

AA is filled with people like you and me.
People who, without a drink are shy and introverted, feel like they are hiding a secret and no-one understands.

Even though you may feel very alone, I drank like you. I understand. I know the feeling of self loathing the next morning.

Don't just see AA as a meeting.
See it as a way to make new sober friends too who understand.
It can lead you to a healthier and happier way of life.

I never told anyone about my problem. I still have not.
I see it as my battle to fight and I will fight it in the way I want.
No-one has ever questioned me, but people have noticed I seem happier and more confident.
I think alcohol does an amazing job of reducing your self esteem and worth and causing morbid depressing thoughts.

I hope you come here more often.

My best to you
xx

ippochick

welcome!

FeelingGreat

hi Bluefade, I was just like you living alone, drinking alone and gradually finding myself unable to do without it. But once I'd decided I needed to quit, and thought about it for a while, and done some research, the final step wasn't as hard as I thought.
It helps to have some support from the medical profession, and a plan to occupy yourself and break habits. But it's very doable.
Like you, I found SR hugely supportive and an inspiration. Some of the stories are amazing and they make you believe that no-one is hopeless.