dalouie

I was going to wait till 30 days to do this, but I need to do it now. 27 days isn't that shabby so why not.

I am really pleased with my progress. My brain fog is gone, my sleep schedule is becoming (fairly) human again, and I am actually liking the person I see in the mirror again.

The one thing I'm still getting used to is my brain being "on" all the time. Most of the time I enjoy this, but there are times I do not. Like probably everyone here, I have my list of regrets and stupid mistakes while drinking.

I have forgiven myself for a lot of them, and have also been trying to reach out to those I hurt.

But there is one thing I just can't seem to get over, I dont know if I will ever truly will be able to in all honesty.

I lost the girl of my dreams in a large part to this damn beast in my head. She was so special, she understood me, made me want to be a better person. We had 4 amazing years together, then life happened, and we were forced to cope with a long distance relationship for a while.

I missed the hell out of her, and I turned to a bottle of vodka to numb the pain. I would get absolutely wasted and start nothing fights with her over skype and facebook . . . say terrible things because of the combination of pain and booze.

We broke up. She told me to please work on my life. That she wanted the old Louie back.

We dont talk much these days . . . She is still thousands of miles away . . . I am doing this recovery for me, because I know that it's the only way it will work. But I am sure as hell doing it for us at the same time.

All I can hope is it is not too late. That after some time she will start to notice changes. I know this might sound cliche, but I know I am never gonna meet someone like her again. And I dont think I can ever forgive myself if I lost her because of something as stupid as drinking . . .

I love you Tatiana, you mean the world to me . . .

And I'm sorry . . .

Just needed to vent I guess. You guys rock. The SR forums and chat has been my saving grace. Keep on the good fight my brothers and sisters. We are in this together.

ANGELINA243

Keep moving forward in recovery. Who knows what may happen later on..?

Dee74

I'm sorry for your pain Louie - but 27 days is awesome.
Like Angelina says, none of us know whats ahead - strap yourself in

D

cheapredwino

If you had 4 amazing years together, you've had 4 more amazing years than a lot of people ever have. Cherish the memories and move on. You're right, you'll never meet anyone like her ever again...you'll meet somebody better! ;-)
If you've been far apart for a while, then chances are she's already dating and having fun, so why aren't you?

If you're constantly sending daily messages to her about how you've sobered up, you're just annoying the hell out of her; she'll just roll her eyes and think, "Yeah, sure." Don't communicate with her for a month and see what happens. If she makes a move and asks how you're doing then there's hope; if not, get over it.

dalouie

thanks guys

wino- we havent talked since i got clean. Thats what I am seeing, if she will talk to me . .

Nighthawk8820

Well that is great to hear!!! Remember to always keep your guard up and to never get too comfy in this sobriety thing. That is when your addiction likes to show up, when you least expect it and think you have beaten it. I see it time and time again. Also, never forget where you once were. Remember the guilt, the anxiety, and the desperation because that will keep you focused and on the right path. Time has a way of distorting the truth, especially with us addicts. I try and always remember where I was, and this forum is great for that, because I never want to forget and think "Maybe it wasnt that bad" or " I can have just one now, I am cured". That is how you relapse. Always remember you are an alcoholic and you always will be. That doesnt make you a bad guy or is anything to be ashamed of either, its just the way it is. Alcohol simply isnt something you can ever have. Congrats, stick with it my friend.

As far as the girl goes, you should maybe focus on that down the road. Right now, your entire focus needs to be on sobriety and your recovery.

SnwFlower

Congrats on 27 days Dalouie!! Keep on keepin' on, and remember to stay focused on yourself as the top priority right now. I agree with the others, you never know what wonderful things can happen in your sober future. We're all supporting you.

quitforme79

Great post dalouie. Life will unfold just as it should...particularly if we are sober to have the presence to be there. Hugs to you and congrats on 27 days

LSC1

dalouie

yoohoo

Its great to read that friend, Im on day one and Im happy for you. Well done champ! I jelly!

tootsl1

Dalouie 27 days is an awesome beginning, and as said, who knows what the future holds. I see no problem with writing to your ex, an old fashioned long hand snail mail letter, expressing much of what you said above. I would not ask her for another chance or hold out hope, but just tell her what she has meant to you, how you are trying to be a better person, and that you would like to stay in touch but only if she wants it. I would add wishes for the life she deserves and then focus on your continued sobriety. If you are meant to be together it will happen if not it won't. But you have a long ride ahead of you before you become the person you want to be, sober and able to cope with life and all it has to throw at you without weakening. I wish you strength my friend