hypochondriac

Although I don't go to AA anymore I am sure that one of my stumbling blocks there was that I didn't think I had anyone to make amends to. I thought I must be either really arrogant to think that or else I had been pretty saintly. Well not exactly but I have always tried not to be a nuisance to other people and because no one ever knew about my drinking I thought I never hurt them. I thought long and hard about any damage I might have done but to be honest I always felt that I was the one who was walked all over because I have always been a people pleaser and always put myself last. I didn't think I owed anyone anything, least of all an apology.

But today after a pretty emotional conversation I have figured out that it is possible to make amends without even admitting blame. It isn't so much about what I have done as what I haven't done, all the people I have not shown my appreciation to, all the friends I have let slip from my life because I was too proud to show that I needed them. I think I have made this sit better in my head now, I think I thought that if I started admitting blame for things that I might or might not have done wrong that it would be another stick to beat me with, but I never really thought about what other people needed from me. I have never been thankful for the things I did have. And in a way that is more damaging to me than it is to others.

I have written a card to my mother telling her all the things she has done right, as she is just like me and tries to beat herself up at every given opportunity, and I realised that I never thanked her for all that she has done for me. She in turn has never been able to forgive her mother or see any positives from their relationship and I am sure that that has led to unhappiness in her life.

I know this is personal stuff for most people but I am interested in how other people have tackled this. Has anyone got any stories about amends they'd care to share? x

least

I love your message. Thank you for sharing that.

Fallow

I don't have any stories about amends yet. I know there are at least a couple that I fully intend on. Unfortunately I did harm numerous people in my drinking career. I am not actively looking at how to make those amends just yet.

I am expecting from myself to stay in recovery which to me is the biggest amend I can make. I hope some day I will be shown the door on how to make it right with those I harmed.

Dee74

I had a lot of 'my bad' amends, but I had those kinds of 'not being present' amends too.

Something I madr specific amends for. other things I just try to make living amends to everything and everyone in how I conduct myself and live my life - I'm not remotely perfect or sainted but I do aim to do my best...and try hard to be 'all I can be'

D

Anna

That sounds really helpful.

I think whenever you can shift your perspective like that, it's a sign of growth.

hypochondriac

Thanks Anna, I do think this is a little jump forwards in my evolution

You are absolutely right about staying sober being the biggest amend you can make Fallow, very insightful. I feel like I need a lot of time to figure out stuff in my head anyway and that rushing to do these things really would not have helped.

I forgot about the idea of living amends, thanks Dee. Btw, everyone here thinks you're saintly x

visch1

If you have a sponsor it might help getting a response from someone who knows you well. BE WELL

hypochondriac

I don't have a sponsor. I asked loads of people and they all couldn't for whatever reason. It's one of the reasons I left AA. To be honest no one knows about the drinking side of my life outside of SR and my family.