day: two, take: one million.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: GA
Posts: 2
day: two, take: one million.
okay so maybe this isn't my millionth take at recovery, but sure as hell feels like it. i don't even have the wherewithal in me to fully describe myself or my story or what got me here. maybe because i have only been sober for a couple days and my head is all screwy and my addictive thinking is convincing me motivation will come (ya know, in a bottle...). i'm sure i'll write something meaningful or revealing or whatever down the road. that day is not today. going to my first meeting tonight for the first time in 5 years. dreading it. but needing it. absolutely needing it. wishing i could just slyly sneak in and out under the radar, but alas that is not how it'll go down. or maybe i want it to because if they don't notice me i can continue to feel lonely and use it as another justification to relapse. i don't even know if this is making much of any sense or coming across as the overly caffeinated, restless, rambly lady i am right now. oh well.
basics:
addict (had over three years clean until i used the other night thanks to lowered inhibition levels from boozing all night in the wrong atmosphere of people)
alcoholic (just having come to that conclusion in the last several months)
eating disorder/ex-self-harmer/trauma survivor (wooptyfriggendoo)
PTSD/bipolar type 1
better basics:
i'm a mom to a marvelous 3 year old girl
have an amazing boyfriend standing by me through this
in school for medical transcription
determined to not give up at 3 or 4 or 5 days. that's why i'm going to a meeting tonight. no matter how shamed i feel. i have to try something that i haven't been doing. and what i've been doing CLEARLY hasn't been serving me well.
yeah so hi, i'm holly. and hopefully i'll stick around this place? trying to gather some fragments of hope underneath all of the helpless, pathetic, worthless feelings mauling me inside right now. :/
basics:
addict (had over three years clean until i used the other night thanks to lowered inhibition levels from boozing all night in the wrong atmosphere of people)
alcoholic (just having come to that conclusion in the last several months)
eating disorder/ex-self-harmer/trauma survivor (wooptyfriggendoo)
PTSD/bipolar type 1
better basics:
i'm a mom to a marvelous 3 year old girl
have an amazing boyfriend standing by me through this
in school for medical transcription
determined to not give up at 3 or 4 or 5 days. that's why i'm going to a meeting tonight. no matter how shamed i feel. i have to try something that i haven't been doing. and what i've been doing CLEARLY hasn't been serving me well.
yeah so hi, i'm holly. and hopefully i'll stick around this place? trying to gather some fragments of hope underneath all of the helpless, pathetic, worthless feelings mauling me inside right now. :/
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Hi Holly. I found that people at meetings all had a first/return time. It's a place where people understand us. we have our fears and usually nothing bad happens so try to think positive as this can be a great positive part of your life, IF YOU LET IT. I also found I needed to be honest with MYSELF, even when I thought I was. BE WELL
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,563
Welcome holly! I think you'll find the support you're looking for here. This is a great place where people really understand.
I had many tries at sobriety too. I always ended up longing for the fun times I used to have with it. That must be 25 yrs. ago now.
It almost cost me my life to find out I could never take another sip. It was destroying me in every possible way.
You have a good attitude and motivation. It sounds like you're ready to do this thing. I hope your meeting goes well. (Oh, and I think what you wrote was meaningful and revealing. Good job.) We are here for you - you're not alone.
I had many tries at sobriety too. I always ended up longing for the fun times I used to have with it. That must be 25 yrs. ago now.
It almost cost me my life to find out I could never take another sip. It was destroying me in every possible way.You have a good attitude and motivation. It sounds like you're ready to do this thing. I hope your meeting goes well. (Oh, and I think what you wrote was meaningful and revealing.
Good job.) We are here for you - you're not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: GA
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone for your support.... i think the better word for lack of motivation would be isolation.... i just have gotten to the point lately where i only converse with people on facebook, and most of the time i avoid it because i hate waking up and seeing drunk messages or stupid statuses i don't remember. my phone hasn't worked since i threw it at a wall a few weeks ago (dumb dumb dumb SO DUMB), i quit my job managing a retail store that i worked so hard for (partially because i think it cut too much into my own selfish drinking time) to go back to school... so now i'm home all the time, which i'm not used to. i used to work 50 hours or more a week at a job an hour and a half away and had to talk to customers on a daily basis. hungover or not. now i have isolated myself so far that it's almost hard to go on the porch and have a cigarette because heaven forbid a neighbor wave. not all days are like that, but a lot more are now. going to a meeting is going to reintroduce me socially in an entirely different way... because i can't hide behind a drink (or 2/+ bottles of wine......) to shut off the awkwardness inside me.
anyways, i'm getting rambly again. thanks for all of your warm welcomes. i appreciate it. hearing and remembering i'm not alone is important.
anyways, i'm getting rambly again. thanks for all of your warm welcomes. i appreciate it. hearing and remembering i'm not alone is important.
to the family! 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Welcome holly - Yeah, I can so relate to feeling like it's the millionth take on recovery. I think that quite a few here on SR can too, so you're in very good company. People here truly understand.
I also relate to your point about loneliness / isolation at home, after years of working externally. I noticed in a thread the other day just how many SR members are also at home, either retired, with illness or with their own home based business. So there's a lot of people who'll help you with that particular recovery scenario.
Ramble away!
I also relate to your point about loneliness / isolation at home, after years of working externally. I noticed in a thread the other day just how many SR members are also at home, either retired, with illness or with their own home based business. So there's a lot of people who'll help you with that particular recovery scenario.
Ramble away!
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by hollydanger 
okay so maybe this isn't my millionth take at recovery, but sure as hell feels like it. i don't even have the wherewithal in me to fully describe myself or my story or what got me here. maybe because i have only been sober for a couple days and my head is all screwy and my addictive thinking is convincing me motivation will come (ya know, in a bottle...). i'm sure i'll write something meaningful or revealing or whatever down the road. that day is not today. going to my first meeting tonight for the first time in 5 years. dreading it. but needing it. absolutely needing it. wishing i could just slyly sneak in and out under the radar, but alas that is not how it'll go down. or maybe i want it to because if they don't notice me i can continue to feel lonely and use it as another justification to relapse. i don't even know if this is making much of any sense or coming across as the overly caffeinated, restless, rambly lady i am right now. oh well.
basics:
addict (had over three years clean until i used the other night thanks to lowered inhibition levels from boozing all night in the wrong atmosphere of people)
alcoholic (just having come to that conclusion in the last several months)
eating disorder/ex-self-harmer/trauma survivor (wooptyfriggendoo)
PTSD/bipolar type 1
better basics:
i'm a mom to a marvelous 3 year old girl
have an amazing boyfriend standing by me through this
in school for medical transcription
determined to not give up at 3 or 4 or 5 days. that's why i'm going to a meeting tonight. no matter how shamed i feel. i have to try something that i haven't been doing. and what i've been doing CLEARLY hasn't been serving me well.
yeah so hi, i'm holly. and hopefully i'll stick around this place? trying to gather some fragments of hope underneath all of the helpless, pathetic, worthless feelings mauling me inside right now. :/
basics:
addict (had over three years clean until i used the other night thanks to lowered inhibition levels from boozing all night in the wrong atmosphere of people)
alcoholic (just having come to that conclusion in the last several months)
eating disorder/ex-self-harmer/trauma survivor (wooptyfriggendoo)
PTSD/bipolar type 1
better basics:
i'm a mom to a marvelous 3 year old girl
have an amazing boyfriend standing by me through this
in school for medical transcription
determined to not give up at 3 or 4 or 5 days. that's why i'm going to a meeting tonight. no matter how shamed i feel. i have to try something that i haven't been doing. and what i've been doing CLEARLY hasn't been serving me well.
yeah so hi, i'm holly. and hopefully i'll stick around this place? trying to gather some fragments of hope underneath all of the helpless, pathetic, worthless feelings mauling me inside right now. :/
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
Posts: 16
Welcome, friend. Day 2 here as well. I feel like this site is one of the coolest things I've stumbled upon all these years trying to sober up.
Come here often. Post, even if you feel like you're rambling. I get the feeling from these folks someone will always be listening.
Come here often. Post, even if you feel like you're rambling. I get the feeling from these folks someone will always be listening.
Marcher
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 3,235
Holly, Welcome to SR!
I did that isolation thing for a loooong time. I know what you're talking about. Brilliant of you to look for a new way to be clean and sober. You know what you need!
You'll find a lot of support here!
I did that isolation thing for a loooong time. I know what you're talking about. Brilliant of you to look for a new way to be clean and sober. You know what you need!
You'll find a lot of support here!
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