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My first day on here and 3rd day of sobriety

Old 06-30-2013, 05:51 AM
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My first day on here and 3rd day of sobriety

This is all very new to me but I thought I'd share a little of my story. I am a 41 yr old woman, married with a family (actually, on my 3rd marriage due to always being dysfunctional with dysfunctional men). My husband now is very supportive of helping me quit drinking after 26 years of constant abuse. I have tried to quit MANY times as I don't like being an alcoholic and watched my dad die from alcoholism at 47 and my best friend at 38 just last year. You'd think watching your loved ones die from not being able to win over alcohol would be enough for me but it only made it worse. I have drank heavily since 15 as I had never worked through abuse issues (sexual and physical) and drinking always seems to make me feel good and forget about all that bothered me. I know that I need to deal with my issues as my life is finally turning around and I am very afraid of losing it all. I have a good job working for the school district in my area with special needs kids which I love. But it's always been hard to keep it together as I have to hide the hangovers each day and act as though I have it together, when I am so lost. I have fooled everyone around me for so long. My friends, co-workers, and neighbors praise me on what a great person I am and mom when they have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. This makes me feel worse about my problem. My husband and kids have seen me on the floor passed out and puking but they only see me drink 3 or 4 beers a day and don't know of my "hidden" alcohol that I have always had around. I just blame it on food not settling well or medicines that I take with the alcohol. I have had a habit of mixing the pills (anxiety and pain) at times, but normally that is just my excuse. I'm 110 pounds and used to drink up to 20 beers or drinks a day but since a DUI 3 years ago, I have cut that down to having about 6 a day and taking meds to relax in between so I can function when I''m not home. But if I'm having a hard day or something brings up a memory of my abusive past, I can't handle the feeling and I will drown myself until I pass out so I can forget for a while. This has caused problems in my new marriage and my husband won't be a part of it and I don't want to lose him as he is so supportive and loving and I have never had that before. My kids need me even if one is 21 and out of the home and the other is 15 and lives with us. I have made so many excuses throughout his life that he doesn't see it as I hide in my room or blame the pills so he just doesn't understand. He sees me drink about 2 beers a day in front of him and doesn't see a problem with this. I just go in my room and tell him I need a nap when I'm about to pass out. I'm now on my summer break which leaves too many hours in my day alone at home while my husband is at work for me to live all day in my addiction. It's caused problems lately as I have been waking up drinking again like I used to and can't seem to stop until I've blacked out and I then have no clue what I have done. This is my 3rd day of quitting because 4 days ago, I woke up at 9am with a beer and can't remember anything after noon. My husband woke me up at 6pm after he got home from work and left the room. I found beer cans hidden under my bed and my home phone on but no one on the other end. Found more beers hidden throughout the house and had to keep hiding them from my husband as he was walking around. Realized I had drank 9 beers in those 3 hours and it scares me as I have done this many times but can't let this destroy my family (or my health). My husband kept telling me something was wrong and was I hiding something but I told him I had 2 beers and took an anxiety pill that must have knocked me out. He was upset just with that (and not the truth) and I am afraid he will leave me if he knows how bad it really is. Tired of acting this way and wanting to live life and learn to deal with issues that I haven't been able to deal with in 26 years of daily drinking. It's physically and mentally hard on me the last couple days and I am very edgy and can't sleep. I'm just struggling to get through the day right now. I am using my anxiety medicine to help me get through this but it doesn't drown anything so I am an emotional mess but trying my best to keep it inside. I can't talk to my husband about how bad my drinking has been since we've met 3 years ago and he doesn't see my problem because he thinks I only drink the 3 or so he sees me drinking (though he rarely drinks) and not that I am chugging hidden beers I have throughout the house or liquor that I have hidden in drawers. I can't talk to my friends as none of them know my drinking problem and think I just drink socially. I can't talk to my family or they will want to put me in a hospital again like they have in the past. I am hoping that being on here will help me have others who understand what I am going through so I can talk with people and not just keep this inside and do this all on my own. I dumped all my alcohol and dumped it all in a dumpster so my husband wouldn't see it all. He always thinks there's just a 12 pk in the house at all times when really I'm always replacing it while he's at work and hiding all I drink in dumpsters or wherever I can. It's exhausting and I want to live an honest, truthful life and not bring my family down with my addiction. Thanks for letting me tell you about my situation and if anyone has advice on how to deal with my non-drinking or what to expect, please let me know. I need all the help I can get! Oh, and I'm not having the shakes like I see some people get. I have a hard time keeping my thoughts together and feel really scattered (hard to talk and make sense!) and I just feel overwhelmed in my head and not sleeping, but nothing as bad as things I've read. Maybe it's because I am taking Clonazapam throughout the day as I heard that helps. Thank you all and look forward to being on here and taking steps to get my life together, even if it's SO hard! Time to start working on my past and dealing with a positive future! Going to church soon and praying all the time. Feel that's a good start
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Old 06-30-2013, 06:16 AM
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Welcome Summer! This is an amazing place. You will get so much support and advice from great people here. I know I have. All of our stories share a common bond: we can't drink! You are not alone. And you are courageous for sharing. Thank you for taking the first step toward a better life.
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Old 06-30-2013, 06:23 AM
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Hi Summer, and welcome.

I relate to the hiding and replacing - I did that many, many times. Things that can help the mind in sobriety are support (via whatever you choose - some people use only this board, others supplement with AA, some use SMART, some use AVRT, counseling, church - the list is long). Things that help my body/brain are regular, strenuous exercise and boosting nutrition as much as I can - unrefined foods, vegetables, fruits, and vitamin supplements.

You're not alone - I'm glad you found SR, the support here is invaluable.
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Old 06-30-2013, 10:36 AM
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to the family!
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Old 06-30-2013, 11:01 AM
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Welcome Summer. It must be truly hard and exhausting going through all the routine of hiding and lying to feed the addiction. You have brought up some issues from your past that have led to, and continue to feed your addiction.

Now that school is out, I can't think of a better time to hit therapy seriously. Rehab would be better, but I understand you are worried about your husband knowing the extent of your drinking.

By the way mixing Clonazepam and alcohol can lead to accidental overdose. That's what my medical professional told me
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Old 06-30-2013, 11:11 AM
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Welcome! This is a great place for support and such. That is quite a story, we all have one. I wondered what type of plan you have to get sober "Thank you all and look forward to being on here and taking steps to get my life together, even if it's SO hard!". That is important, and the resources for goal?

Welcome and take care.
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Old 06-30-2013, 11:31 AM
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Summer, 3rd day of sobriety? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. You'd think watching your loved ones die from not being able to win over alcohol would be enough for me but it only made it worse. Ditto Summer, for years I shook my head in disbelief as to my alcoholism, knowing full well I was taking the chance of loosing everything, and I finally did. Addiction to chemical substances is a very powerful disease that controlled me for 42 years. Im going on 3 years sober, 2 years no cocaine, and 1 year no cigarettes. Summer you can do it, rootin for ya.
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Old 06-30-2013, 11:37 AM
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Welcome Summer! I think it'll help you to be here with us. We understand what you're going through.

When I finally decided to stop pretending I could drink socially - I was doing the same things you are. I had a stash of beer in my closet. My husband saw me just having a few in the evening - never realized I had started in the morning. I'd have to dash out and get a new supply while he was at work. I didn't feel like I was being deceitful - I somehow justified it as being ok. In the end, I couldn't make a move without it - I was totally dependent on it. It's good you're ready to kick this stuff out of your life. You only think you need it. I promise there's life after alcohol.

Congrats on your 3rd day - we're glad you're here.
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Old 06-30-2013, 11:59 AM
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Hi summer,
As the girlfriend of an alcoholic (he can drink up to a 26 each night before bed) I am so so happy to hear you are on day 3. This is an amazing start. Look forward to the happiness you can create!!!!!!
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Old 06-30-2013, 12:26 PM
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hi summer and congrats on 3 days.

i can totally relate to how exhausting it is being a secret drinker. the relief of leaving all that behind is incredible.

be well.
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Old 06-30-2013, 01:47 PM
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Welcome to SR! And congrats on day 3
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Old 06-30-2013, 01:58 PM
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Hi Summer I am on day 3 as well , lets kick this nasty evil addiction together. I too hid drink, I would drink before my Hubby came home from work, then I would be having a drink of coke during the evening but it wasn't coke it was laced with whiskey, I had drink every where and put empty's any where but our bin. No one knows how bad I've got again. I've tried for years and I thought I had cracked it when I was sober for 8 months two years ago then thought I could control it but it didn't take long before it got me again. I am making myself really ill, feel so ill most of the time, but I have to get off this destructive roller coaster, I want to be free ...
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Old 06-30-2013, 01:59 PM
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Welcome Summer, that secret drinking is a real guilt trip isn't it? When I finally opened up and told my hubby the truth, he said that he had a feeling. You probably haven't been as convincing as you thing you have, more likely you husband and children have not wanted to confront the situation. You recognise you have a problem which is great, but you know that the drinking stems from a need to dampen down emotions from unresolved childhood issues. Therefore along with stopping drinking, you will need to get help to deal with these issues, otherwise you will be tempted to drink again for the same reasons. There are many here who can relate to different parts of your story, and will offer support. Look at ways of maintaining your sobriety. At some point you may want to tell your husband, as his support will be a major help. I wish you all the best, be strong.
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Old 07-01-2013, 09:07 AM
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Thank you tootsl1! I so appreciate your message. My husband is aware that I have "overdone" my drinking before but he is seriously oblivious to all the alcohol I have hidden and how much I have consumed since I promised him I would never hide alcohol again once he found vodka in a closet hidden under clothes a year ago. I just tell him I took my medicine and it made me over tired when I am slurry or stumbling. We just talked about it as he knows it's hard for me to quit right now but going to stay with it but he says he was so proud of me for how much better I have done this last year after all the years of abuse. I have realized I have to get counseling soon as I know the alcohol was to cover the abuse that I went through from childhood and throughout my lifetime. I hate the emotions that come with it and I think that is the hardest part of not drinking and why I have been so scared to quit. But I need to and I'm going to! Thank goodness it's summer break for me as I don't think I could deal with working and the effects of not drinking right now! I feel SO anxious and feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, but it is better than passing out and being sick all day, right?
Thank you for your support and thanks for sharing! Love to know more about what your life was like with drinking if possible. Other stories really give me hope
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Old 07-01-2013, 09:19 AM
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Wow! Same story of my life too! Always drank before my husband came home and then would act as though I was just drinking my first drink when he got home so my alcohol smell would make sense. All the bottles, cans, etc never went in the bin and that's exhausting hiding everything and then trying to remember where you put stuff (and sometimes coming across it later and thanking God that he didn't see it first!) Ran in the morning to garbages outside of stores or gas stations on my way to work in the morning so I was safe another day and then always bought more alcohol on my way home so that the supply he saw in the fridge always stayed the same. EXHAUSTING! Had to always get cash back when grocery shopping too and always through the receipts away so I can buy alcohol without him seeing transactions. I don't want to do that anymore either. I'm sorry you're sick. I felt the same way as my side was really hurting everytime I drank (so I just drank more to numb it, so smart...) and realized how I will die young like my dad and best friend if I don't stop the insanity. I don't want my kids watching me die like I saw my friend's 3 young girls watch their mom. It was awful and they were so sad. Knowing it could've been prevented really gets to me but I feel like a hypocrite because I was pleading with her to stop when I couldn't stop myself! I'm sure your drinking stems from lots of unresolved issues like myself and would love to get to know you better and yes, let's beat this together! Congrats on your day 3 too and lets make it through 4 today!!! God give us strength!
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Old 07-01-2013, 09:44 AM
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And thanks EVERYONE for your support as I am new to this and didn't realize how many posts I had before I replied to the last 2! Love to write individual to each of you but I need to get my day going soon. I'm overwhelmed by the similar stories as I have always felt so alone in the way this addiction has taken over. It's embarrassing to me and needs to stop. I just am not used to dealing with emotions so it's going to be tough but I'm not giving myself another option. I just need to deal with the feeling of being super uncomfortable in my own skin right now. Today is the 1st day with my husband back at work and it's my summer break from the school district so being alone in my own head is my hardest time. Just trying to figure out how to deal with this as I have good friends but none of them know that I'm anything but a social drinker and so I am not ready to talk with them but I know I can't be alone either. My family knows I have had serious problems in the past with overdoses and all, but I've given everyone the impression that I haven't quit, but I have been getting better. I say that a LOT because they always bring it up and tell me how much they just ask how I'm doing out of worry but I haven't wanted to tell them or quit for that matter. Now I do but feel alone on who to talk to. Too scared right now to go to AA even though I know it would be good for me. I go to church but they all think I am just this wonderful, "got it all together" mom who works with kids with cerebral palsy, down syndrome, autism, etc and think I am just the sweetest person ever! I do have a great heart and a lot of love for everyone and always try to help anyone I can, but I just haven't figured out how to help myself and as soon as I get done helping and doing what I need for the day, I am drinking and drunk within hours so I can drown all the emotions I just couldn't handle dealing with. I've wanted to go in treatment but too scared of what others will think of me and I know I need to just worry about myself and those who care will still be there. Also don't want to lose my job as I love my special kiddos. Anyone else doing this alone or have advice on how to feel so isolated in beating this without help from my wonderful friends and family that live close to me? I am so scared about telling anyone. My husband and kids just think I am trying to get myself healthy because I need to, but not that there was a big problem. No one knows how bad it was but me. Thank you for allowing me to vent my issues. You all are amazing and I appreciate your help more than you know! By the way, my name is Danielle
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Old 07-01-2013, 10:00 AM
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hey danielle.

my advice would be to talk to your husband. i spent years hiding bottles and ditching the empties in grocery store bins. my addiction got progressively worse, and i am now 15 days sober.

having your husband 'on side' would be immensely helpful as there is someone in your family who knows everything and supports your recovery. the admission is terrifying, but the relief i feel now is incredible.

i know everyone's situation is different, but do you think you could give it a go?
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Old 07-01-2013, 02:39 PM
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Thanks for the advice. I am so surprised to hear how many women have spent years hiding alcohol from their husbands. I am just amazed as I really thought I was like the only one who would do that. I appreciate you telling me you did it too.
I know I am going to HAVE to tell my husband at some point as I want to be honest and we are best friends. That's why it's so hard because he is 100% supportive of everything I do and he confides in me on so many levels and yet I have played my addiction to alcohol off as I'm always doing better. He will be so disappointed in me and he doesn't understand my drinking problem and has been praising me on how hard I have worked throughout the last 2 years to keep getting better, but it hasn't. I will do it sometime (not just for him, but for myself too) but just not yet. I'm afraid if he reacts badly that I will want to give up and drink again. But thank you for the advice!!!
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Old 07-02-2013, 08:03 AM
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Hi Danielle. Well Day 5 !!! how you doing ? I think you should come clean with Hubby I know its difficult, your Hubby sounds like mine. I told him I had been secretly drinking, he was upset for me and didn't realise how bad I had become. we go out a lot and enjoy tasting real ale which I can no longer do, I feel so guilty about spoiling his pleasure, I know I cant go with him and drink soft drinks he now knows this, so we aren't going to any bars till I feel confident I can resist, all our social activities revolve around drink. Im looking into new things we can do until Im strong enough if ever to go to the pub again. I don't think he will react badly I think he will understand. How are you now its day 5 ?
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Old 07-02-2013, 08:31 AM
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Summer

Its not just women who hide alcohol from their partners. I waited until my girlfriend went to bed and then start drinking whiskey. I would sometimes buy a few beers so that I could start when she was still up and then hit the whiskey once she was in bed.

I remember being delighted when I realized our fireplace could move forward and there was a hollow area at the back. I had found the perfect place to hide bottles. I would wait until there was about twenty, pop back at lunch time, fill up a backpack and find a public bin to dispose of them.

Every so often I would forget to put a bottle behind the fireplace and my girlfriend would find it then I would just blame her and say that I just wanted the odd night cap and her nagging was the reason I hid them.

I'm only on day 1 but I'm feeling really determined good luck and keep sharing.
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