Giving these boards a shot
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 18
Giving these boards a shot
My love hate relationship with alcohol is a 15 yr story I am going to try to condense. I started drinking to cover the pain and depression from being raped by a classmate at 16.
My drinking went from zero, to drinking until sloppy drunk or blacking out every time. Drinking lead to other drugs and by 22 I gave up both cold turkey and made work and school a crutch. Sounds great right? I graduated college with honors and my career accelerated. I have a good husband, 2 year old, good job, white picket fence and 3 degrees.
Then a few months ago after not touching a drop for 8 years I started socially drinking, that turned into hiding bottles in my house and telling my husband I was working late (when really I would down a couple at the local bar on my way home).
Feeling like I have a lot more to lose now than I did in my 20's I decided to see a therapist. I quit drinking for the first few weeks of therapy and now she does not ask me about it. She just focuses on the rape. My therapist has been trying to get me to work through the rape which is so damn painful I am drinking again. I feel like it's a big circle of pain.
I pretend to have it together for everyone that I hid my drinking from my husband and my therapist. I plan to come clean with my therapist at my next appointment but she has suggested in patient therapy before which I quickly disregarded. I am wondering if this may be best for me at this time but that would mean telling my very conservative husband about my drinking.
Day 1 all over again and I just feel like there is so much to lose.
My drinking went from zero, to drinking until sloppy drunk or blacking out every time. Drinking lead to other drugs and by 22 I gave up both cold turkey and made work and school a crutch. Sounds great right? I graduated college with honors and my career accelerated. I have a good husband, 2 year old, good job, white picket fence and 3 degrees.
Then a few months ago after not touching a drop for 8 years I started socially drinking, that turned into hiding bottles in my house and telling my husband I was working late (when really I would down a couple at the local bar on my way home).
Feeling like I have a lot more to lose now than I did in my 20's I decided to see a therapist. I quit drinking for the first few weeks of therapy and now she does not ask me about it. She just focuses on the rape. My therapist has been trying to get me to work through the rape which is so damn painful I am drinking again. I feel like it's a big circle of pain.
I pretend to have it together for everyone that I hid my drinking from my husband and my therapist. I plan to come clean with my therapist at my next appointment but she has suggested in patient therapy before which I quickly disregarded. I am wondering if this may be best for me at this time but that would mean telling my very conservative husband about my drinking.
Day 1 all over again and I just feel like there is so much to lose.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
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Welcome Lexica. I think you'll find it very helpful to be with here with those who understand. I felt so much better being open about what alcohol had done to my life - no one else understood the way my friends here did.
I was sober for 3 years once. I decided to have 'a glass' of wine. The glass turned into a bottle. Soon I was drinking every day. I went back to it - worse than ever - and it was a 7 year nightmare. It doesn't do a thing to ease our pain or make anything more tolerable. I'm glad you're realizing that and want it out of your life. We're glad to have you here.
I was sober for 3 years once. I decided to have 'a glass' of wine. The glass turned into a bottle. Soon I was drinking every day. I went back to it - worse than ever - and it was a 7 year nightmare. It doesn't do a thing to ease our pain or make anything more tolerable. I'm glad you're realizing that and want it out of your life. We're glad to have you here.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Originally Posted by Hevyn 
It doesn't do a thing to ease our pain or make anything more tolerable. I'm glad you're realizing that and want it out of your life.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Lexica
My love hate relationship with alcohol is a 15 yr story I am going to try to condense. I started drinking to cover the pain and depression from being raped by a classmate at 16.
My drinking went from zero, to drinking until sloppy drunk or blacking out every time. Drinking lead to other drugs and by 22 I gave up both cold turkey and made work and school a crutch. Sounds great right? I graduated college with honors and my career accelerated. I have a good husband, 2 year old, good job, white picket fence and 3 degrees.
Then a few months ago after not touching a drop for 8 years I started socially drinking, that turned into hiding bottles in my house and telling my husband I was working late (when really I would down a couple at the local bar on my way home).
Feeling like I have a lot more to lose now than I did in my 20's I decided to see a therapist. I quit drinking for the first few weeks of therapy and now she does not ask me about it. She just focuses on the rape. My therapist has been trying to get me to work through the rape which is so damn painful I am drinking again. I feel like it's a big circle of pain.
I pretend to have it together for everyone that I hid my drinking from my husband and my therapist. I plan to come clean with my therapist at my next appointment but she has suggested in patient therapy before which I quickly disregarded. I am wondering if this may be best for me at this time but that would mean telling my very conservative husband about my drinking.
Day 1 all over again and I just feel like there is so much to lose.
My drinking went from zero, to drinking until sloppy drunk or blacking out every time. Drinking lead to other drugs and by 22 I gave up both cold turkey and made work and school a crutch. Sounds great right? I graduated college with honors and my career accelerated. I have a good husband, 2 year old, good job, white picket fence and 3 degrees.
Then a few months ago after not touching a drop for 8 years I started socially drinking, that turned into hiding bottles in my house and telling my husband I was working late (when really I would down a couple at the local bar on my way home).
Feeling like I have a lot more to lose now than I did in my 20's I decided to see a therapist. I quit drinking for the first few weeks of therapy and now she does not ask me about it. She just focuses on the rape. My therapist has been trying to get me to work through the rape which is so damn painful I am drinking again. I feel like it's a big circle of pain.
I pretend to have it together for everyone that I hid my drinking from my husband and my therapist. I plan to come clean with my therapist at my next appointment but she has suggested in patient therapy before which I quickly disregarded. I am wondering if this may be best for me at this time but that would mean telling my very conservative husband about my drinking.
Day 1 all over again and I just feel like there is so much to lose.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Nighthawk8820
You will NEVER get to a point in your life where you will be able to control alcohol on any level. You are an addict, so drinking is just not an option.
I'm glad you found us and joined the family. We're here to listen and support you. 
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
Hi Lexica and welcome.
Has your therapist mentioned EMDR at all to work through the trauma of the rape? It is often used for trauma resolution. I applaud your resolution and self-awareness, catching this thing before you slide down that slippery slope.
I was sober 14 years once, so I relate to what you're saying. When I was trying to get sober and deal with some of the deep issues of trauma that made up, in part, the psychological issues of my drinking, I did go into an in-patient setting. It was a relief to not have to strain to uphold all the normal adult activities and do such intensive work. For me, it was a good thing. Maybe a good question to ask is: can I do both at the same time?
Has your therapist mentioned EMDR at all to work through the trauma of the rape? It is often used for trauma resolution. I applaud your resolution and self-awareness, catching this thing before you slide down that slippery slope.
I was sober 14 years once, so I relate to what you're saying. When I was trying to get sober and deal with some of the deep issues of trauma that made up, in part, the psychological issues of my drinking, I did go into an in-patient setting. It was a relief to not have to strain to uphold all the normal adult activities and do such intensive work. For me, it was a good thing. Maybe a good question to ask is: can I do both at the same time?
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Lexica
Although I know this is true, this makes me so very angry.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by DylanS
Hi Lexica and welcome.
Has your therapist mentioned EMDR at all to work through the trauma of the rape?
Maybe a good question to ask is: can I do both at the same time?
Has your therapist mentioned EMDR at all to work through the trauma of the rape?
Maybe a good question to ask is: can I do both at the same time?
I am starting to think that these maybe two things in my life that I can't do at once. It is really hard for me to accept that kind of defeat. I pride myself on being the person who can do/handle every/any thing.
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