Day 1. Again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
Posts: 16
Day 1. Again.
Hi all:
Long time alcoholic. I'm having the "day after" you fall off and have an epic blackout. This time it was at a work function.
I've not been open about my alcoholism to my co-workers, which I think leads them to believe I can drink like them. I cannot.
Anyway, this morning I wrote my story down. My original thought was to share it with friends and family as a gentle reminder that I cannot drink. After writing it, though, it just seems like a bad idea.
It was cathartic, so I thought I'd post it here. Thanks for letting me share.
I've struggled with alcoholism since I was 16 years old. It began by playing gigs with a blues band at a bar called Fat Katz in Lubbock, TX. In between sets, the owners (a lovely couple who were trying to marry me off to their daughter) would let me waltz back behind the bar and pour myself whatever I wanted. When I couldn't get liquor from playing gigs, I would play on the emotions of college guys trying to date my older sister ("You want her to like you, right? Two bottles of tequila, please. Of course the cheap stuff. I'm in high school.").
By my Senior year of high school, I had stopped taking advanced placement courses, dropped out of all extracurricular activities, and generally quit showing up. My mother would wake me up in the mornings with pop-tarts and coffee, and I'd drive to the school - drive right past it - and reach under my seat for a jug (yeah, a jug) of Canadian Ltd. I went from somewhere near the top of my class rank to barely graduating.
One night, my favorite teacher (here's to you, Mr. Franklin) was being honored at a school-sponsored event for his many years of service. Me and my then girlfriend wanted to go, and we did. But not before I managed to secure a liter of Hot Damn 100. Because regular proof Hot Damn is for wimps. Somewhere between shouting loud and embarrassing words of encouragement in front of all my teachers as Mr. Franklin received his award and driving my girlfriend back to her house, I drank three-fourths of that liter. She tried to get me to pull over, but it was no use. I could barely understand what she was saying.
I don't recall at this point what I said to her exactly, but it was vulgar, crude and obnoxious. I made her cry. That made me yell louder. As she got out of the truck, I made one last parting shot, and jammed my foot on the gas pedal as hard as I could. My truck was aimed directly at a horse trailer parked in front of her neighbor's house.
I hit it dead-on. My airbags erupted, almost knocking me unconscious. The horse trailer shot across three front yards, and ultimately ended up pummeling the front of another neighbor's house. At this point, you'd think I would've learned to sit still and play dead. But not this guy. I stumbled out of the front seat, found the house that just got attacked by a horse trailer, and walked in the front door. I didn't bother knocking.
The house belonged to an elderly couple, who were sitting in their living room, watching TV and having a nice meal. They were scared to death. "I can take care of this," I said as I reached for my checkbook in my back pocket. "No need to call the police." Apparently I was not convincing, because that's exactly what they did.
As I was being escorted to the back of the police car, my girlfriend and her mother (and every other person who lived on that street) were outside, looking on in horror. "This is all your fault," I yelled to my girlfriend as loud as I could. "This is all your fault." She was still crying.
The next day, I broke down to my parents, and admitted that I had a problem with alcohol. At this point, I should probably mentioned that my mother and father are two of the most kind, loving, and overall incredible human beings on this planet. They sprang into action immediately, and intensive out-patient recovery ensued. I felt like I was back on track, but I wasn't. I continued to drink in absolute secrecy until I started college that summer. When I got to college, I joined the campus AA group, got a sponsor, and stayed sober for two years.
My alcoholism works like this. I have one drink, and then I have as many drinks as it takes to get to the point where I blackout. I do that enough times, I recognize that I have a problem. I get a little clean time in me, and think I'm ready to get back in the saddle with this "responsible drinking" thing. That is the state in which I found myself while visiting New York City, at a restaurant in Little Italy, having dinner with the woman that later would become my wife. It had been two years, and I certainly could handle a little wine with my meal. It was perfect. It was romantic. I had to have wine to make the dining experience complete.
My future wife knew that I was an alcoholic, and was absolutely aghast that I was about to throw away two years of sobriety. Although I did manage to get one glass out of the bottle, in her haste to save me from drinking further, she quickly downed the rest. That's true love.
But because I didn't get drunk that night, I thought I was cured. In fact, I thought I never had a problem with alcohol to begin with, and that I simply was immature in high school. Game on. I left AA when I was 20 years old.
I cannot recount every tale of drinking during the last twelve years that has resulted in shame, self-hate, lies, total embarrassment and the near destruction of the relationships I cherish most. The number is substantial. I've been in and out of AA dozens of times, had multiple sponsors and made hundreds of promises to myself and my wife that I later broke. Alcoholism is a terrible, terrible thing.
A significant problem is that I'm not open about this war that rages on inside of me. This leads people to mistakenly believe that I'm just like they are, and know how to drink in moderation. But I do not know how to do this. Thus, my story. And now you know.
Long time alcoholic. I'm having the "day after" you fall off and have an epic blackout. This time it was at a work function.
I've not been open about my alcoholism to my co-workers, which I think leads them to believe I can drink like them. I cannot.
Anyway, this morning I wrote my story down. My original thought was to share it with friends and family as a gentle reminder that I cannot drink. After writing it, though, it just seems like a bad idea.
It was cathartic, so I thought I'd post it here. Thanks for letting me share.
I've struggled with alcoholism since I was 16 years old. It began by playing gigs with a blues band at a bar called Fat Katz in Lubbock, TX. In between sets, the owners (a lovely couple who were trying to marry me off to their daughter) would let me waltz back behind the bar and pour myself whatever I wanted. When I couldn't get liquor from playing gigs, I would play on the emotions of college guys trying to date my older sister ("You want her to like you, right? Two bottles of tequila, please. Of course the cheap stuff. I'm in high school.").
By my Senior year of high school, I had stopped taking advanced placement courses, dropped out of all extracurricular activities, and generally quit showing up. My mother would wake me up in the mornings with pop-tarts and coffee, and I'd drive to the school - drive right past it - and reach under my seat for a jug (yeah, a jug) of Canadian Ltd. I went from somewhere near the top of my class rank to barely graduating.
One night, my favorite teacher (here's to you, Mr. Franklin) was being honored at a school-sponsored event for his many years of service. Me and my then girlfriend wanted to go, and we did. But not before I managed to secure a liter of Hot Damn 100. Because regular proof Hot Damn is for wimps. Somewhere between shouting loud and embarrassing words of encouragement in front of all my teachers as Mr. Franklin received his award and driving my girlfriend back to her house, I drank three-fourths of that liter. She tried to get me to pull over, but it was no use. I could barely understand what she was saying.
I don't recall at this point what I said to her exactly, but it was vulgar, crude and obnoxious. I made her cry. That made me yell louder. As she got out of the truck, I made one last parting shot, and jammed my foot on the gas pedal as hard as I could. My truck was aimed directly at a horse trailer parked in front of her neighbor's house.
I hit it dead-on. My airbags erupted, almost knocking me unconscious. The horse trailer shot across three front yards, and ultimately ended up pummeling the front of another neighbor's house. At this point, you'd think I would've learned to sit still and play dead. But not this guy. I stumbled out of the front seat, found the house that just got attacked by a horse trailer, and walked in the front door. I didn't bother knocking.
The house belonged to an elderly couple, who were sitting in their living room, watching TV and having a nice meal. They were scared to death. "I can take care of this," I said as I reached for my checkbook in my back pocket. "No need to call the police." Apparently I was not convincing, because that's exactly what they did.
As I was being escorted to the back of the police car, my girlfriend and her mother (and every other person who lived on that street) were outside, looking on in horror. "This is all your fault," I yelled to my girlfriend as loud as I could. "This is all your fault." She was still crying.
The next day, I broke down to my parents, and admitted that I had a problem with alcohol. At this point, I should probably mentioned that my mother and father are two of the most kind, loving, and overall incredible human beings on this planet. They sprang into action immediately, and intensive out-patient recovery ensued. I felt like I was back on track, but I wasn't. I continued to drink in absolute secrecy until I started college that summer. When I got to college, I joined the campus AA group, got a sponsor, and stayed sober for two years.
My alcoholism works like this. I have one drink, and then I have as many drinks as it takes to get to the point where I blackout. I do that enough times, I recognize that I have a problem. I get a little clean time in me, and think I'm ready to get back in the saddle with this "responsible drinking" thing. That is the state in which I found myself while visiting New York City, at a restaurant in Little Italy, having dinner with the woman that later would become my wife. It had been two years, and I certainly could handle a little wine with my meal. It was perfect. It was romantic. I had to have wine to make the dining experience complete.
My future wife knew that I was an alcoholic, and was absolutely aghast that I was about to throw away two years of sobriety. Although I did manage to get one glass out of the bottle, in her haste to save me from drinking further, she quickly downed the rest. That's true love.
But because I didn't get drunk that night, I thought I was cured. In fact, I thought I never had a problem with alcohol to begin with, and that I simply was immature in high school. Game on. I left AA when I was 20 years old.
I cannot recount every tale of drinking during the last twelve years that has resulted in shame, self-hate, lies, total embarrassment and the near destruction of the relationships I cherish most. The number is substantial. I've been in and out of AA dozens of times, had multiple sponsors and made hundreds of promises to myself and my wife that I later broke. Alcoholism is a terrible, terrible thing.
A significant problem is that I'm not open about this war that rages on inside of me. This leads people to mistakenly believe that I'm just like they are, and know how to drink in moderation. But I do not know how to do this. Thus, my story. And now you know.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
Welcome. I started with AA at age 25 and went in and out for about five years until recently. Loved drinking and loved narcotics. I can relate to your story. I'm glad you were brave enough to share in such an honest and open fashion - as you know, being honest and willing to do what it takes will get you far in the beginning but it's the maintainence of long term sobriety that gets tough after the initial desperation wears off. I have also wondered if I could now drink normally after a few years off the sauce - I doubt it. Stories like yours are a good reminder. Yes, alcoholism is a terrible thing. What are you going to do differently this time around? I only ask because I have relapsed too. Some of us have a bumpy road to travel I guess... You'll get there don't give up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by BabyJane 
Welcome. I started with AA at age 25 and went in and out for about five years until recently. Loved drinking and loved narcotics. I can relate to your story. I'm glad you were brave enough to share in such an honest and open fashion - as you know, being honest and willing to do what it takes will get you far in the beginning but it's the maintainence of long term sobriety that gets tough after the initial desperation wears off. I have also wondered if I could now drink normally after a few years off the sauce - I doubt it. Stories like yours are a good reminder. Yes, alcoholism is a terrible thing. What are you going to do differently this time around? I only ask because I have relapsed too. Some of us have a bumpy road to travel I guess... You'll get there don't give up.
As to what I'll do differently, well, I'm here for starters
Also going to try 90 meetings in 90 days. Get a sponsor. Hope like hell it sticks and that I didn't do too much damage to myself last night after getting blasted at a work event.Good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: west hartford, CT
Posts: 8
Yes welcome and I have to say that I too have had that problem in the past getting a little time sober under your belt then thinking you can go back to drinking responsibly. It always ends with me either being in jail, or in the hospital or just completely destroying my life. I would always be fine for maybe a week or two before I started going at it every night again, and blacking out.
We need to remember that we are alcoholics, and are powerless over the disease. You should not be drinking socially at all, it always leads to big trouble. I am sure most if not all the people on this site will agree. I definitely think that it is a good idea to write this letter because it is very well written! Sometimes it is easy for people to forget that we have this disease for life. I had a friend that after a couple months of being sober would always try to get me to drink and say "oh I thought you were over that". There is nothing wrong with reminding people, in fact it is much better than the alternative.
I hope I have helped you, and again thanks for sharing!
We need to remember that we are alcoholics, and are powerless over the disease. You should not be drinking socially at all, it always leads to big trouble. I am sure most if not all the people on this site will agree. I definitely think that it is a good idea to write this letter because it is very well written! Sometimes it is easy for people to forget that we have this disease for life. I had a friend that after a couple months of being sober would always try to get me to drink and say "oh I thought you were over that". There is nothing wrong with reminding people, in fact it is much better than the alternative.
I hope I have helped you, and again thanks for sharing!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Dee74
welcome Rect - the details may vary slightly but your story is a lot of our stories too.
Glad you found us
D
Glad you found us
D
for the first time all day I'm feeling a little hope.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by rbtrucking
Yes welcome and I have to say that I too have had that problem in the past getting a little time sober under your belt then thinking you can go back to drinking responsibly. It always ends with me either being in jail, or in the hospital or just completely destroying my life. I would always be fine for maybe a week or two before I started going at it every night again, and blacking out.
We need to remember that we are alcoholics, and are powerless over the disease. You should not be drinking socially at all, it always leads to big trouble. I am sure most if not all the people on this site will agree. I definitely think that it is a good idea to write this letter because it is very well written! Sometimes it is easy for people to forget that we have this disease for life. I had a friend that after a couple months of being sober would always try to get me to drink and say "oh I thought you were over that". There is nothing wrong with reminding people, in fact it is much better than the alternative.
I hope I have helped you, and again thanks for sharing!
We need to remember that we are alcoholics, and are powerless over the disease. You should not be drinking socially at all, it always leads to big trouble. I am sure most if not all the people on this site will agree. I definitely think that it is a good idea to write this letter because it is very well written! Sometimes it is easy for people to forget that we have this disease for life. I had a friend that after a couple months of being sober would always try to get me to drink and say "oh I thought you were over that". There is nothing wrong with reminding people, in fact it is much better than the alternative.
I hope I have helped you, and again thanks for sharing!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 732
Someone I work with just says 'oh no I don't drink, it makes me a bad boy' and gives a devilish smile - no-one ever questions this and no-one pushes him to tell them why or to drink at our work functions.
I wouldn't share this much with co-workers, it's none of their business if you don't want to drink. :-)
I wouldn't share this much with co-workers, it's none of their business if you don't want to drink. :-)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
welcome to you too JKC123
why not look at what you've been doing for your recovery - then think about what else you can add?
I think most often thats the difference between breaks of sobriety and true lasting recovery
D
why not look at what you've been doing for your recovery - then think about what else you can add?
I think most often thats the difference between breaks of sobriety and true lasting recovery
D
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Welcome. It is good to have you here.
Many people have dietary restrictions, and health preferences with food and drink. It's a normal part of life. I don't drink.
It is possible to go to work functions and not drink. I did last Friday. We have to get out of our own way.
Many people have dietary restrictions, and health preferences with food and drink. It's a normal part of life. I don't drink.
It is possible to go to work functions and not drink. I did last Friday. We have to get out of our own way.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,507
Hi Rect. Thank you for reminding me of the horrible life I left behind. I'm sorry you're hurting, but here's where it can end.
I drank all my life. I always sought the euphoria it had once been. I almost lost my life trying to manage my drinking. It took many years, but it finally brought me to my knees. DUI's, embarrassment and humiliation at work, confused and angry family, health issues, financial disaster. Rect, it is so wonderful to be free. You can do this.
I drank all my life. I always sought the euphoria it had once been. I almost lost my life trying to manage my drinking. It took many years, but it finally brought me to my knees. DUI's, embarrassment and humiliation at work, confused and angry family, health issues, financial disaster. Rect, it is so wonderful to be free. You can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Hevyn
Hi Rect. Thank you for reminding me of the horrible life I left behind. I'm sorry you're hurting, but here's where it can end.
I drank all my life. I always sought the euphoria it had once been. I almost lost my life trying to manage my drinking. It took many years, but it finally brought me to my knees. DUI's, embarrassment and humiliation at work, confused and angry family, health issues, financial disaster. Rect, it is so wonderful to be free. You can do this.
I drank all my life. I always sought the euphoria it had once been. I almost lost my life trying to manage my drinking. It took many years, but it finally brought me to my knees. DUI's, embarrassment and humiliation at work, confused and angry family, health issues, financial disaster. Rect, it is so wonderful to be free. You can do this.
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