Spouses
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Haddam, Connecticut
Posts: 11
Spouses
Hi all, Day 13 here...
Since I quit, my wife has also stopped (funny, my quitting came right after a vacation in Vegas). She has been awesome, but I can tell she wants to drink. She was working late last night, and she's working today, and I'm sure she could use some "her" time with some wine. So on my way home yesterday I took a deep breath and bought her a bottle of wine. She said she won't drink in front of me but she's earned it, and I'm trying to be realistic.
My question is, how can I quit if she still drinks? I don't want it in the house but I don't think she should be punished because I have a problem. I'm just worried if she drinks ill resent it, because we've always been drinking buddies. Anyone else have a spouse who still drinks? Thanks.
Since I quit, my wife has also stopped (funny, my quitting came right after a vacation in Vegas). She has been awesome, but I can tell she wants to drink. She was working late last night, and she's working today, and I'm sure she could use some "her" time with some wine. So on my way home yesterday I took a deep breath and bought her a bottle of wine. She said she won't drink in front of me but she's earned it, and I'm trying to be realistic.
My question is, how can I quit if she still drinks? I don't want it in the house but I don't think she should be punished because I have a problem. I'm just worried if she drinks ill resent it, because we've always been drinking buddies. Anyone else have a spouse who still drinks? Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 559
Originally Posted by Jesse75 
Hi all, Day 13 here...
Since I quit, my wife has also stopped (funny, my quitting came right after a vacation in Vegas). She has been awesome, but I can tell she wants to drink. She was working late last night, and she's working today, and I'm sure she could use some "her" time with some wine. So on my way home yesterday I took a deep breath and bought her a bottle of wine. She said she won't drink in front of me but she's earned it, and I'm trying to be realistic.
My question is, how can I quit if she still drinks? I don't want it in the house but I don't think she should be punished because I have a problem. I'm just worried if she drinks ill resent it, because we've always been drinking buddies. Anyone else have a spouse who still drinks? Thanks.
Since I quit, my wife has also stopped (funny, my quitting came right after a vacation in Vegas). She has been awesome, but I can tell she wants to drink. She was working late last night, and she's working today, and I'm sure she could use some "her" time with some wine. So on my way home yesterday I took a deep breath and bought her a bottle of wine. She said she won't drink in front of me but she's earned it, and I'm trying to be realistic.
My question is, how can I quit if she still drinks? I don't want it in the house but I don't think she should be punished because I have a problem. I'm just worried if she drinks ill resent it, because we've always been drinking buddies. Anyone else have a spouse who still drinks? Thanks.
have you asked your wife how she would feel about not having alcohol in the house? plus i would worry that stopping off to buy wine would tempt me into a 'little something' for me.
i am also on day 13. i am resolute in my sobriety because i know that even the smallest relapse for me is the end of everything i love and hold dear.
be kind to yourself. how will you feel knowing your wife is in another room/staying up late and drinking?
be well.
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
My husband said he's not quitting, but I'm lucky that he wants to lose some weight and isn't drinking. I know the day will come when he drinks in front of me (today maybe) and I will just have to ignore it. Even if I ask him to please not drink in front of me he will eventually anyway. His thought is that it's my problem, not his.
My thought is that he should be able to have a beer if he wants. I'm in charge of me only.
My thought is that he should be able to have a beer if he wants. I'm in charge of me only.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,760
I guess most of you have spouses who are normal drinkers.
I am single and don't keep alcohol in the house but I have no problem with my friends drinking socially (I had to set boundaries with my best friend who is an alkie though).
And I hear you GEAH, your husband is right: it's not his problem but on another hand it would be nice of him to be supportive of your early sobriety.
Just in case someone on this thread has a loved one who is also an alcoholic (which is a special challenge for those of us in recovery), please feel free to post on the Double Winners thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...loved-one.html
We can become and stay clean and sober and find contentment whether our loved ones are still drinking/using or not.
I am single and don't keep alcohol in the house but I have no problem with my friends drinking socially (I had to set boundaries with my best friend who is an alkie though).
And I hear you GEAH, your husband is right: it's not his problem but on another hand it would be nice of him to be supportive of your early sobriety.
Just in case someone on this thread has a loved one who is also an alcoholic (which is a special challenge for those of us in recovery), please feel free to post on the Double Winners thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...loved-one.html
We can become and stay clean and sober and find contentment whether our loved ones are still drinking/using or not.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Missouri
Posts: 40
i am also on day 13. i am resolute in my sobriety because i know that even the smallest relapse for me is the end of everything i love and hold dear.
My hubby and I used to be drinking buddies, every night after work and on the weekends. He actually quit drinking before me, so it's not an issue for me now. I know, though, that if he were still drinking and I talked to him about how it affected me, he would understand.
Sometimes, it's difficult for others to understand how their actions affect us.
Maybe having a conversation with your wife is a good place to start?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Haddam, Connecticut
Posts: 11
Thanks all. "Green" I'm in exactly the same situation. After Vegas my wife decided to take a little better care of her health, which is why she hasn't been drinking. Actually one of the scariest things for me is how our relationship might change. Obviously there's more good than bad to me being sober, but I'll have to let go of the fun "buddy drinking" part. We love(d) drinking together. Anyway, it was very weird going into a liquor store for wine. I grabbed one of the bottles closest to the door and got out quick. She said she doesn't want to drink in front of me, but I don't think that's fair for her. Maybe I should just tell her I can't buy it. I've already said no booze and she's fine with that.
Sorry, guess I'm answering my own random question. It's all good.
Take care.
Sorry, guess I'm answering my own random question. It's all good.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
Posts: 16
Jesse:
My wife will occasionally drink in front of me. It usually doesn't bother me, but if I am having a particularly hard day with not drinking and I see her, I get restless, irritable and discontent.
But the real issue is this. Having booze in the house for your wife can simply be a rationalization you tell yourself so that you'll always have it nearby. It's a big risk to sobriety. Trust me, I drank my wife's cooking wine while trying to get sober once.
Good luck!
My wife will occasionally drink in front of me. It usually doesn't bother me, but if I am having a particularly hard day with not drinking and I see her, I get restless, irritable and discontent.
But the real issue is this. Having booze in the house for your wife can simply be a rationalization you tell yourself so that you'll always have it nearby. It's a big risk to sobriety. Trust me, I drank my wife's cooking wine while trying to get sober once.
Good luck!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
If she's ok with not drinking, or with not drinking when you are around, why is it bothering you?
Why are you pushing her to drink? If she felt it was unfair seems like she'd speak up.
It's normal to not drink. Lots of people don't drink or drink very rarely. You don't have to be an alcoholic, or booze abuser to choose to not drink. For people who don't have drinking problems...not drinking isn't a problem. It's not so hard for them to give up like it is for us.
Why are you pushing her to drink? If she felt it was unfair seems like she'd speak up.
It's normal to not drink. Lots of people don't drink or drink very rarely. You don't have to be an alcoholic, or booze abuser to choose to not drink. For people who don't have drinking problems...not drinking isn't a problem. It's not so hard for them to give up like it is for us.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Nazareth, PA
Posts: 453
I am on my first day today, but have been sober in the past for up to 2 years at a time, and feel I can speak from that experience. My husband is a daily drinker, brews amazing beer, so we have a full bar and keg system in an out building on our property. When I quit, I never expect him to - he doesn't have a problem. But, I always kept coping reminders in my head when he drinks in front of me (which is, like I said, a daily occurrance).
First, he is a skin cancer survivor and can't go out in the sun between 10am and 4pm - well, he CAN, just like we CAN drink, but he doesn't because the consequences are too dire, and he is an avid outdoorsy type. I CAN go out in the sun during that time, and run and garden and bike, and he never expected me to stop when he got cancer. It helps me to realize that we all have limits in what we can and can't do, and someone else's ability to do something does not entitle us to that action.
Second, BEFORE I go out to join him in the yard for our nightly hang-out beer drinking, I pour myself a seltzer and juice or iced tea or something, so my hand is already full - my choice of beverage has been made BEFORE seeing what's in his glass. That helps me a lot - it gives me the sense that I'm in control - I already chose my drink so there is no outside influence. And I often bring the bottle out too, so I can refill without getting back up, so there is no reason for me to go into the spot where the booze is.
First, he is a skin cancer survivor and can't go out in the sun between 10am and 4pm - well, he CAN, just like we CAN drink, but he doesn't because the consequences are too dire, and he is an avid outdoorsy type. I CAN go out in the sun during that time, and run and garden and bike, and he never expected me to stop when he got cancer. It helps me to realize that we all have limits in what we can and can't do, and someone else's ability to do something does not entitle us to that action.
Second, BEFORE I go out to join him in the yard for our nightly hang-out beer drinking, I pour myself a seltzer and juice or iced tea or something, so my hand is already full - my choice of beverage has been made BEFORE seeing what's in his glass. That helps me a lot - it gives me the sense that I'm in control - I already chose my drink so there is no outside influence. And I often bring the bottle out too, so I can refill without getting back up, so there is no reason for me to go into the spot where the booze is.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,265
I feel lucky my husband responded positively to my request that he not drink when I was trying to quit.....at least till I got over the hump. Over a year later....neither of us drink and we don't miss it.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Jesse75
Hi all, Day 13 here...
Since I quit, my wife has also stopped (funny, my quitting came right after a vacation in Vegas). She has been awesome, but I can tell she wants to drink. She was working late last night, and she's working today, and I'm sure she could use some "her" time with some wine. So on my way home yesterday I took a deep breath and bought her a bottle of wine. She said she won't drink in front of me but she's earned it, and I'm trying to be realistic.
My question is, how can I quit if she still drinks? I don't want it in the house but I don't think she should be punished because I have a problem. I'm just worried if she drinks ill resent it, because we've always been drinking buddies. Anyone else have a spouse who still drinks? Thanks.
Since I quit, my wife has also stopped (funny, my quitting came right after a vacation in Vegas). She has been awesome, but I can tell she wants to drink. She was working late last night, and she's working today, and I'm sure she could use some "her" time with some wine. So on my way home yesterday I took a deep breath and bought her a bottle of wine. She said she won't drink in front of me but she's earned it, and I'm trying to be realistic.
My question is, how can I quit if she still drinks? I don't want it in the house but I don't think she should be punished because I have a problem. I'm just worried if she drinks ill resent it, because we've always been drinking buddies. Anyone else have a spouse who still drinks? Thanks.
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