For REAL this time!!!
 

This. Has. Got. To. Stop. I had a few solid months completely dry. It was amazing. I even shared on here a little. I felt awesome every day. My performance vibe went from "drunk entertainment" back to "professional musician". How the monkey did I let this creep back up on me!? It started (of course) with just one beer with some friends. Then a week later a few. Then days later I was smashed. Then I was smashed 3 days outta the week. Now I'm back to just totally giving in at every opportunity. Golf. Music. It's all a reason to drink!

Here is my question: how do I make myself understand, deeply, as if it is a profound law of the universe, that I WILL NEVER be able to moderate, alcohol is ruining everything and there is absolutely no need for it. I am so sick of having "recovery" days where I just bum out and don't get anything done cause I'm hungover. And even more sick of treating the hangover with more "medicine". Pathetically, some of my friends have even started calling it that...
Day 1. This. Has. To. Stop.

There is no solution or easy answer. The most common one you'll probably get here is you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. Take a little bit of time and think about that really hard. Took me 18 years to get to that place. Once I got there not drinking was pretty easy.

All the best and congrats on Day 1!

Thank you and, you're right. The thing is I really thought I had done it last time and maybe that was a mistake; to believe my work was done... It's gonna be life long and I gotta accept it. It's so hard to say I will NEVER drink again. But I know I can't, it will never work.

I wouldn't worry about forever right now, that's down the road. When I first got sober, I just worried about not drinking today and that was good enough. It had to be.

welcome back MAlan :)

my solution?

1. do not drink
2. There is never any reason good enough for you to drink
3. find all the support you need to stick to points one & two
4. make all the changes you need to make to stick to points one & two

For me, sobriety needed to come first - before the band, before fitting in, before dealing with problems, before wanting to relax, or calm down or be happy or check out for a bit....before anything.

I know what happens when I drink.
As long as I did not drink I had the chance of a different outcome.

D

Glad you're back giving it another go.:)

I found that when I finally gave up and decided that drinking was no longer an option, ever, it changed things for me. The shift in my thinking helped my mind to begin to find new ways to deal with things.

Absolutely recovery is a lifelong journey. It's not a question of 'doing the work' and then move on. I think recovery has to be incorporated into your thinking and your daily life. I'm glad you're here!

I've had several prolonged periods of sobriety since I first got sober in 2008. My last stint was 2 yrs which I broke in April.

Anyway something a counselor in my first rehab said something which has stuck to me to this day. An alcohol consumer who has turned into an alcoholic is like a cucumber which has been turned into a pickle. Once a pickle, it can NEVER been turned into a cucumber.

Day 6.
First day of outpatient addiction group therapy today done.

Welcome back!!!!!

For me, I just finally gave up. It was too much work to be an active alcoholic. I was exhausted and admitted defeat. I chose a day, didn't drink, and did everything I needed to do to stop the madness. And it was madness at the end - there is nothing more horrible than being a drunk, being drunk, and all the while KNOWING these facts but STILL DRINKING! It was lunacy. I knew I was in the grips, knew I had to stop for all of the reasons that I actually did, but I kept drinking. I was so tired of beating myself up WHILE I was drunk that I finally stopped fighting it and gave in.

I haven't regretted it for one minute. There isn't enough alcohol that I could ingest that would make me forget I'm an alcoholic and drinking again would be like putting gasoline on a fire. I would just be drunk and sick and beating myself up the whole time.

So I don't drink anymore. Moderation was a miserable failed experiment so onto the sober train I climbed, took my seat and buckled up.

Glad you reboarded :) good luck!!!

Welcome MAlan. I'm glad you're still trying. Never give up.

I was a slow learner too. I had to be brought to my knees to 'get it'. We know better, but always think we can somehow magically use our willpower to avoid disaster. It never ever works. Each time I picked up it led to danger and misery - it was much easier to get free of it and admit I couldn't touch it. You can do this. :)

listening to others stories in AA is the only thing that really helped me

Hi MAlan, there are some incredible words of wisdom already here so I don't think I can add much to what everyone else has said but I will reiterate what worked for me.

First, what Dee said---those four things. They are absolutes in my life these days. And, as everyone including Dee said, you just have to come to the point that you realize that you can never drink again. How that comes to each person is different. Some people have catastrophic "bottoms" and see the light, others just get so tired that they can't stand themselves anymore (like IWillWin is saying). I had both catastrophic things happen to me and the general tiredness of the life of an alcoholic. In the end, oddly, it was more the tiredness than the catastrophes. In either case, the essential, ESSENTIAL, thing for me was coming to the conclusion that I can never, ever, ever drink again. Not one time, not one drop. The cucumber/pickle analogy above is awesome and sums it up. For alcoholics there is no moderation. Best to just accept that as the truthiest of the truth and go from there.

I don't know how you get there because everyone is different but all I know for sure (and maybe the only thing I know for sure) is that you have to get there. Once you do, it'll make all the difference.

(Then you've got to gather all the tools around you to help you remember why you're there but first, get there).

Good luck to you, you can totally do this!!

We're rooting for you and please keep posting :)

If you can stop and stay stopped on your own then go for it.

If you can't do it yourself then do what millions of other alcoholics have done and come to AA.

All the best.

Bob R

I was sober for most of 2009. Still kept beer in the house for friends, just had no desire to drink (thanks to my "Higher Power"). Thought for sure I was cured after close to a year and tested myself by drinking one beer.

I was soon back to 10+ per day along with all the depression and anxiety that daily hangovers bring.

On March 21 of this year I decided I had enough. My "Higher Power" helped me once more. I've been sober 98 days today.

Just starting to feel alive again. I know all it will take is one drink to throw away my progress. No way I'm gonna take a chance.

Good Luck on your Day One.

Hi MAlan,
The day I said I was done. It was done. Of course I also knew that something would pop in my head to convince me otherwise for awhile but that is just what alcohol does. I can't change how alcohol works. All I can change is do I have to continue to drink it? And am I willing to endure what I have to until I regain my good sense back?

For me the more time and distance I have away from it the more it is just a stupid liquid to me. Of all things to worry about losing, I'm not spending any energy thinking about that one. A gazillion things to drink out there and I'm going to focus on one? And on top of that, one that if you take all the sugar and flavors out of it would taste like kerosene? I don't even need to go there on what a waste of time getting drunk is.

I had to just say its over. I'm done. If a magic fairy came down and said I could have any wish, I wouldn't even waste it on drinking moderately. Even that looks like a big waste of creative energy to me.

Good job Day 1. It's never to late to be done.

Acceptance is the first step.

Imagine someone finds out they are a diabetic. They go to the doctor because they feel terrible and have very unpleasant symptoms. The doctor informs them that they have diabetes and they will have to take insulin every day. But the good news is that the insulin will make them feel much better and get rid of all of their symptoms.

The diabetic person is disappointed at first because they don't think that they can handle giving themselves an injection of insulin every day. They decide they will give it a try because they feel so physically horrible that the injection can't be any worse than how they feel now.

After a short time they start feeling better. A month or two goes by and they feel better than they have felt in many years. In fact they feel so much better they decide that they no longer need the insulin injections. Within a day or two they feel horrible again so they start taking their insulin again. After feeling much better again they stop the insulin again and they are sicker than ever. This keeps up until they end up in the hospital with kidney failure. After recovering and getting back on the insulin they are feeling great again. They stop taking their insulin...dialysis.........

This probably sounds insane doesn't it? Well just replace the word diabetes with the word alcoholism, and replace the word insulin with recovery and it starts sounding very familiar yes?