One month sober and losing hope....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Presque Isle, ME
Posts: 9
One month sober and losing hope....
I am exactly one month sober today. I did not realize that until I actually jut registered. I quit drinking after a crazy drunken blacked out night where I woke up the next morning emotional and still drunk. I went through the typical anxiety stemming from my lack of memory. In that moment, I vowed to stop drinking.
I have always abused alcohol since I started drinking. It is the only way that I know how to sit still or relax. I am 30 years old, recently married and do not have any children yet. I am a high school teacher with a masters degree. I don't get drunk on school nights, but come Friday, it is a free for all. Every bad thing that has ever happened to me has happened while drinking.
Where I live, drinking is what we do... with everything. Everyone I know drinks. Many drink as much or more then myself. We all work, we are all young, recently married or engaged and don't have kids yet. We go camping, and drink, go to the bars and drink, go out on the lake and drink, have bonfires, and drink.... the list continues. I have hobbies- I go four wheeling a lot and ride my motorcycle all summer, neither of which I do drunk, but come 5:00, it's like an alarm goes off in my head and it is telling me, "time for a drink!".
I am currently on summer vacation. My husband works 14 hour days during the summer, and everyone else is working also. I am going stir crazy. I am lonely, and the only thing I can think about is having a drink. The first 3 weeks of sobriety were pretty easy for me, but now, I feel miserable. I have not seen any of my friends as many are working, and when they get done with work they go out for drinks together. I have been trying to stay busy, but I feel so unhappy. I have been working out for 2 hours a day just to pass time, riding my Harley, weeding the garden, cleaning the house, coming up with little projects, but I can not stay busy enough to keep my mind off drinking. All I keep thinking about is that I don't have any children yet and I should be spending my last summer of freedom having a blast and doing whatever I want. I am within inches of having a drink. I feel miserable. I thought not drinking would make me feel better, but that immediate high has worn off and now I am alone, all day, everyday, and miserable. I keep telling myself that I can moderate my drinking.... part of me honestly believes that while the other part of me says that's b.s.... I have always identified as an optimistic person, rarely unhappy or down.... I am currently miserable and can't seem to come out of it....
Thanks for listening
I have always abused alcohol since I started drinking. It is the only way that I know how to sit still or relax. I am 30 years old, recently married and do not have any children yet. I am a high school teacher with a masters degree. I don't get drunk on school nights, but come Friday, it is a free for all. Every bad thing that has ever happened to me has happened while drinking.
Where I live, drinking is what we do... with everything. Everyone I know drinks. Many drink as much or more then myself. We all work, we are all young, recently married or engaged and don't have kids yet. We go camping, and drink, go to the bars and drink, go out on the lake and drink, have bonfires, and drink.... the list continues. I have hobbies- I go four wheeling a lot and ride my motorcycle all summer, neither of which I do drunk, but come 5:00, it's like an alarm goes off in my head and it is telling me, "time for a drink!".
I am currently on summer vacation. My husband works 14 hour days during the summer, and everyone else is working also. I am going stir crazy. I am lonely, and the only thing I can think about is having a drink. The first 3 weeks of sobriety were pretty easy for me, but now, I feel miserable. I have not seen any of my friends as many are working, and when they get done with work they go out for drinks together. I have been trying to stay busy, but I feel so unhappy. I have been working out for 2 hours a day just to pass time, riding my Harley, weeding the garden, cleaning the house, coming up with little projects, but I can not stay busy enough to keep my mind off drinking. All I keep thinking about is that I don't have any children yet and I should be spending my last summer of freedom having a blast and doing whatever I want. I am within inches of having a drink. I feel miserable. I thought not drinking would make me feel better, but that immediate high has worn off and now I am alone, all day, everyday, and miserable. I keep telling myself that I can moderate my drinking.... part of me honestly believes that while the other part of me says that's b.s.... I have always identified as an optimistic person, rarely unhappy or down.... I am currently miserable and can't seem to come out of it....
Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by 2310 
I am exactly one month sober today. I did not realize that until I actually jut registered. I quit drinking after a crazy drunken blacked out night where I woke up the next morning emotional and still drunk. I went through the typical anxiety stemming from my lack of memory. In that moment, I vowed to stop drinking.
I have always abused alcohol since I started drinking. It is the only way that I know how to sit still or relax. I am 30 years old, recently married and do not have any children yet. I am a high school teacher with a masters degree. I don't get drunk on school nights, but come Friday, it is a free for all. Every bad thing that has ever happened to me has happened while drinking.
Where I live, drinking is what we do... with everything. Everyone I know drinks. Many drink as much or more then myself. We all work, we are all young, recently married or engaged and don't have kids yet. We go camping, and drink, go to the bars and drink, go out on the lake and drink, have bonfires, and drink.... the list continues. I have hobbies- I go four wheeling a lot and ride my motorcycle all summer, neither of which I do drunk, but come 5:00, it's like an alarm goes off in my head and it is telling me, "time for a drink!".
I am currently on summer vacation. My husband works 14 hour days during the summer, and everyone else is working also. I am going stir crazy. I am lonely, and the only thing I can think about is having a drink. The first 3 weeks of sobriety were pretty easy for me, but now, I feel miserable. I have not seen any of my friends as many are working, and when they get done with work they go out for drinks together. I have been trying to stay busy, but I feel so unhappy. I have been working out for 2 hours a day just to pass time, riding my Harley, weeding the garden, cleaning the house, coming up with little projects, but I can not stay busy enough to keep my mind off drinking. All I keep thinking about is that I don't have any children yet and I should be spending my last summer of freedom having a blast and doing whatever I want. I am within inches of having a drink. I feel miserable. I thought not drinking would make me feel better, but that immediate high has worn off and now I am alone, all day, everyday, and miserable. I keep telling myself that I can moderate my drinking.... part of me honestly believes that while the other part of me says that's b.s.... I have always identified as an optimistic person, rarely unhappy or down.... I am currently miserable and can't seem to come out of it....
Thanks for listening
I have always abused alcohol since I started drinking. It is the only way that I know how to sit still or relax. I am 30 years old, recently married and do not have any children yet. I am a high school teacher with a masters degree. I don't get drunk on school nights, but come Friday, it is a free for all. Every bad thing that has ever happened to me has happened while drinking.
Where I live, drinking is what we do... with everything. Everyone I know drinks. Many drink as much or more then myself. We all work, we are all young, recently married or engaged and don't have kids yet. We go camping, and drink, go to the bars and drink, go out on the lake and drink, have bonfires, and drink.... the list continues. I have hobbies- I go four wheeling a lot and ride my motorcycle all summer, neither of which I do drunk, but come 5:00, it's like an alarm goes off in my head and it is telling me, "time for a drink!".
I am currently on summer vacation. My husband works 14 hour days during the summer, and everyone else is working also. I am going stir crazy. I am lonely, and the only thing I can think about is having a drink. The first 3 weeks of sobriety were pretty easy for me, but now, I feel miserable. I have not seen any of my friends as many are working, and when they get done with work they go out for drinks together. I have been trying to stay busy, but I feel so unhappy. I have been working out for 2 hours a day just to pass time, riding my Harley, weeding the garden, cleaning the house, coming up with little projects, but I can not stay busy enough to keep my mind off drinking. All I keep thinking about is that I don't have any children yet and I should be spending my last summer of freedom having a blast and doing whatever I want. I am within inches of having a drink. I feel miserable. I thought not drinking would make me feel better, but that immediate high has worn off and now I am alone, all day, everyday, and miserable. I keep telling myself that I can moderate my drinking.... part of me honestly believes that while the other part of me says that's b.s.... I have always identified as an optimistic person, rarely unhappy or down.... I am currently miserable and can't seem to come out of it....
Thanks for listening
Remember all the reasons you aren't drinking.
Moderation isn't an option for most of us, probably isn't one for you.
Have you tried Rational Recovery/AVRT techniques? Or urge surfing?
You can do this. Please continue to post.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Welcome to SR! Lots of information and support here.
Congrats on a month. That is a big deal!
Since you have so much free time have you thought about going to AA? There are meetings all the time from first thing in the morning to late at night.
It sounds like you have put in some sober time but have no recovery plan. For me there had to be a plan and some action.
Congrats on a month. That is a big deal!
Since you have so much free time have you thought about going to AA? There are meetings all the time from first thing in the morning to late at night.
It sounds like you have put in some sober time but have no recovery plan. For me there had to be a plan and some action.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
You are still in early recovery, and it can be an emotional roller coaster as you brain heals from years of abuse.
However, as the others have pointed out, there is more to sobriety than abstinence. If you are miserable, maybe you aren't addressing the core reasons for your drinking.
Good luck.
However, as the others have pointed out, there is more to sobriety than abstinence. If you are miserable, maybe you aren't addressing the core reasons for your drinking.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 3,360
One month is a great beginning, congratulations. Remember how you felt the last time you realized you had blacked out. If an urge to drink strikes, think it through, not just the first drink, remember the pain alcohol has caused you in the past. It will not get better, alcoholism is progressive. Keep going forward, use whatever recovery method works best for you. Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 212
I can relate to that. First 4 weeks were easy and I felt like I was high through that time. Now the reality seems to be kicking in. It's like I woke up and everybody was gone. No friends, no life...
I'm just taking deep breaths and telling myself that this is just a phase. Quitting drinking will change EVERYTHING. Like they say, when one door closes, another one will open but often we keep staring the closed one...So lets keep our backs against the past and eyes on the future. It'll take time to get used to this new life. We need to enjoy the mornings with no hangover, the nights we can remember, the friends who love the real us and the strength we gain everyday for doing what's right for us.
I wish you all the best
I'm just taking deep breaths and telling myself that this is just a phase. Quitting drinking will change EVERYTHING. Like they say, when one door closes, another one will open but often we keep staring the closed one...So lets keep our backs against the past and eyes on the future. It'll take time to get used to this new life. We need to enjoy the mornings with no hangover, the nights we can remember, the friends who love the real us and the strength we gain everyday for doing what's right for us.
I wish you all the best
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 11
I've had (am currently having) the same issues with summer vacation as I too work at a high school and was following that same sober week, drunken weekend routine for way too long. When summer hit, the alcohol started flowing at an alarming rate, which is why I'm here.
Stay productive like you are. Again I'm like you, young and married and my wife works all day so it's on my shoulders to remain healthy throughout the day. Does your husband know you're having these feelings and anxieties? Maybe he can help support you. Also, get out of the house as much as you can, even if it's just for a walk to somewhere new - that tends to help much more than when I allow myself to wallow about in the house.
Like others have said: taking care of yourself is the most important thing.
Stay productive like you are. Again I'm like you, young and married and my wife works all day so it's on my shoulders to remain healthy throughout the day. Does your husband know you're having these feelings and anxieties? Maybe he can help support you. Also, get out of the house as much as you can, even if it's just for a walk to somewhere new - that tends to help much more than when I allow myself to wallow about in the house.
Like others have said: taking care of yourself is the most important thing.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I have about 23 days of sobriety to my credit..so well done on 30 days! It is a struggle when our perspective is that we are making some sort of sacrifice..that we are depriving ourselves of happiness and joy by choosing to face life..head on..and I literally mean "head" on without deliberately choosing to take leave of your senses in order to have a "good time".
You are white knuckling at the moment..my best guess..and will continue to do so if your of the opinion that your life was oh so much better getting hammered in your leisure moments. Was it really? Was it really? I'm sorry your struggling..I really am. God job posting here. I hope you find some better answers than your happiness in a bottle of poison.
You are white knuckling at the moment..my best guess..and will continue to do so if your of the opinion that your life was oh so much better getting hammered in your leisure moments. Was it really? Was it really? I'm sorry your struggling..I really am. God job posting here. I hope you find some better answers than your happiness in a bottle of poison.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
One month is very early in recovery and you are still healing, body and brain. There is also PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) which shows symptoms like depression, anxiety, inability to concentrate. That may be part of your depression.
Whatever you do - don't drink or you'll be right back at square one and have to go thru it all over.
Whatever you do - don't drink or you'll be right back at square one and have to go thru it all over.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
One month is wonderful! You are still early in your recovery. Give it more time. I teach and am on break too. Summer is tough because we need the break and it is natural to want to let loose. The reality, however, is that if you do, your tolerance will increase. Getting back to reality in the Fall will be that much worse. As a woman, we are born with all of our eggs....alcohol or drug use can damage our eggs. We don't have control over which on "drops" when we ovulate. If you plan on having children is it really worth the risk? It may be that all of your current people drink. There are many others around you you haven't met yet that either do not or do not drink like you. I use to think everyone in VT drank too...not true I learned. Keep up your great work!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Presque Isle, ME
Posts: 9
Thank you... I can't believe how quickly people responded to this post. I have never done online forums before (I don't even have facebook) so this was... shocking.
And, basically, all combined, you nailed it on the head.
I do not have a recovery plan. I have bought a bunch of books off amazon (Nice Girls Don't Drink, Diary of an Alcoholic Housewife, etc.) and those have been my "therapy" My husband is supportive, but I see him for such a short time throughout the day I don't want our interactions to be all about my mixed up feelings about... booze of all things. I am from a very small town. Everyone I know drinks. I don't know one sober person. I also have never looked before, so that could explain much of it. I have thought of going to AA but am 1.) Nervous about running into a parent of a student, or a student, or anyone I know really. 2.) I don't know if I will never drink again so I guess I feel like a fraud. I would like not to, but...
Thank you Sassu78. I too feel as though I woke up one morning and everything was gone. My social life as I know it, specifically my friends- all who have been supportive- and have been my friends since childhood as I also grew up here- but really, they like too party too. I am a very social person and I am just lonely. Plain and simple, which is making it difficult to focus on the positive aspects of my sobriety. My friends of course will still hang out with me, whether I drink or not, but every time we all hang out, we drink.
What makes me feel crazy is that I can see many of the positives and they are not seeming like enough to change my mood. I am losing weight and working out more, my skin and physical appearance is noticeably better. I can appreciate the smell of early morning and getting up willingly at 7:30 without a hangover. I have more energy and have been really productive in exerted efforts to keep myself busy. But I just can't seem to let go of the way I have... romanticized maybe, drinking alcohol. I get all nostalgic about it. I have been living off of seltzer and lime, with mint and blueberries just so it feels like I am having a drink. I just want a glass of wine. I guess I am not quite convinced that I can't have just one... I should be convinced, but I'm not. My mind is still telling me that I can pull it off and I can learn to moderate.
What I hate most is the amount of time I am spending thinking about this. The problem is, I was happy when I was drinking. I had a blast 90% of the time and I'm not sure if that 10% of the time is enough to keep me going, especially considering I feel so unhappy in this moment.
And, basically, all combined, you nailed it on the head.
I do not have a recovery plan. I have bought a bunch of books off amazon (Nice Girls Don't Drink, Diary of an Alcoholic Housewife, etc.) and those have been my "therapy" My husband is supportive, but I see him for such a short time throughout the day I don't want our interactions to be all about my mixed up feelings about... booze of all things. I am from a very small town. Everyone I know drinks. I don't know one sober person. I also have never looked before, so that could explain much of it. I have thought of going to AA but am 1.) Nervous about running into a parent of a student, or a student, or anyone I know really. 2.) I don't know if I will never drink again so I guess I feel like a fraud. I would like not to, but...
Thank you Sassu78. I too feel as though I woke up one morning and everything was gone. My social life as I know it, specifically my friends- all who have been supportive- and have been my friends since childhood as I also grew up here- but really, they like too party too. I am a very social person and I am just lonely. Plain and simple, which is making it difficult to focus on the positive aspects of my sobriety. My friends of course will still hang out with me, whether I drink or not, but every time we all hang out, we drink.
What makes me feel crazy is that I can see many of the positives and they are not seeming like enough to change my mood. I am losing weight and working out more, my skin and physical appearance is noticeably better. I can appreciate the smell of early morning and getting up willingly at 7:30 without a hangover. I have more energy and have been really productive in exerted efforts to keep myself busy. But I just can't seem to let go of the way I have... romanticized maybe, drinking alcohol. I get all nostalgic about it. I have been living off of seltzer and lime, with mint and blueberries just so it feels like I am having a drink. I just want a glass of wine. I guess I am not quite convinced that I can't have just one... I should be convinced, but I'm not. My mind is still telling me that I can pull it off and I can learn to moderate.
What I hate most is the amount of time I am spending thinking about this. The problem is, I was happy when I was drinking. I had a blast 90% of the time and I'm not sure if that 10% of the time is enough to keep me going, especially considering I feel so unhappy in this moment.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 122
Hello 2310,
Congratulations on one month! You did the right thing contacting us here at SR. It will get better. Some people have already said it, but think it through, and you will realize why"Every bad thing that has ever happened to me has happened while drinking."
I read your post and the first thing that comes to mind, is to sit down and make a list of everything in your life that you are Grateful for. Reread your own post and there are so many things you can enjoy as well as the gift of sobriety. You have a good job, well educated, a man that loves you, time to work out and take care of yourself, and a garden, as well as time to enjoy some time "in the wind" on your bike. Maybe doing some volunteer work, or teaching a summer school class to find some better ways to spend your time, but I am thinking that you may have a lot on that "Grateful" list.
30 days is great, be very proud. It takes time for your brain to relearn how to live in the moment....booze takes that away. Wish you the best! Keep posting. Thank You!
Congratulations on one month! You did the right thing contacting us here at SR. It will get better. Some people have already said it, but think it through, and you will realize why"Every bad thing that has ever happened to me has happened while drinking."
I read your post and the first thing that comes to mind, is to sit down and make a list of everything in your life that you are Grateful for. Reread your own post and there are so many things you can enjoy as well as the gift of sobriety. You have a good job, well educated, a man that loves you, time to work out and take care of yourself, and a garden, as well as time to enjoy some time "in the wind" on your bike. Maybe doing some volunteer work, or teaching a summer school class to find some better ways to spend your time, but I am thinking that you may have a lot on that "Grateful" list.
30 days is great, be very proud. It takes time for your brain to relearn how to live in the moment....booze takes that away. Wish you the best! Keep posting. Thank You!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
I think you've been human and forgotten just how bad it gets.
You didn't give up for no reason or just one blackout. Your giving yourself
the view you can moderate though you didn't give that chance a month ago.
Until you give up treading water till your either pregnant or drinking again
your going to find it hard to fill the time or go out to socialise because your not
going out learning how to do it and enjoy it sober. It starts when you just get on with life sober and start having good nights ,bad ones but not blackout or dangerous .
I can't say I know how it happens but it does and it dawned on me slowly but it takes time.
30 days you've got it took me till I was nearly 50 for that fantastic for you.
It'll come.
John
You didn't give up for no reason or just one blackout. Your giving yourself
the view you can moderate though you didn't give that chance a month ago.
Until you give up treading water till your either pregnant or drinking again
your going to find it hard to fill the time or go out to socialise because your not
going out learning how to do it and enjoy it sober. It starts when you just get on with life sober and start having good nights ,bad ones but not blackout or dangerous .
I can't say I know how it happens but it does and it dawned on me slowly but it takes time.
30 days you've got it took me till I was nearly 50 for that fantastic for you.
It'll come.
John
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 105
Welcome, I hope you find some help here, please look at all the forums. I am using the AVRT method, and there are several others.
Blacking out should tell you "no more"...but the pleasure center of your brain forgets that bad part of the experience.
Blacking out should tell you "no more"...but the pleasure center of your brain forgets that bad part of the experience.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Welcome,
I kept thinking, reading your posts, that you should read 'Drinking: A Love Story' by Caroline Knapp. She was a thirtyish, high-functioning, single woman and white wine was her first love. It's a memoir, it's raw, sad and beautiful and full of hope.
I kept thinking, reading your posts, that you should read 'Drinking: A Love Story' by Caroline Knapp. She was a thirtyish, high-functioning, single woman and white wine was her first love. It's a memoir, it's raw, sad and beautiful and full of hope.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Presque Isle, ME
Posts: 9
Thanks Anna,
I actually have read that book.... now that I think of it, I did quit drinking for 3 months 2 years ago and that was one of the books that I read. Apparently I used the same "therapy" then as well- reading books and staying private.... hmm... that leaves some room for thought.
I actually have read that book.... now that I think of it, I did quit drinking for 3 months 2 years ago and that was one of the books that I read. Apparently I used the same "therapy" then as well- reading books and staying private.... hmm... that leaves some room for thought.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
2310 - I felt the same way at 30 days.
What helped me was already mentioned but it is worth repeating. I would go to bed as early as I could and just list in my head all the things I was grateful for. I don't know why, but it REALLY helped. I still do it often, although now that I've got my baby sober sea legs (9 months) I don't every night. I also said the serenity prayer all the time. I mean ALL the time. I was so fragile yet so determined and these simple things helped me.
Good luck!
What helped me was already mentioned but it is worth repeating. I would go to bed as early as I could and just list in my head all the things I was grateful for. I don't know why, but it REALLY helped. I still do it often, although now that I've got my baby sober sea legs (9 months) I don't every night. I also said the serenity prayer all the time. I mean ALL the time. I was so fragile yet so determined and these simple things helped me.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Ohio
Posts: 25
A big congratulations!
Pills are my poison (thats what i call it) but were all fighting for a greater peaceful, sober life. I know I'm not one for advice considering I'm just starting over again but I must say I wish I were you and had reached out on this site.
I made it one month and I went back to the pills....now that was a year ago this month. Can you imagine if I just would have held on to myself tighter, reached out to someone... IF I had done that I beleive in my heart of hearts that I would be a YEAR sober but instead, I'm starting all over. I made the wrong decision, and oh how I wish I could go back but I can not. Now I have to start all over with the withdrawls. I hate it, hate I have wasted another year of my life.
You can do this !
Returning to this site couple days ago I just learned of PAWS. Maybe that's what happening? I wish I would've known of it last year because I think I would have understood what was happening in my head.
Please do not give up on you. Stick with it and all the peeps here are so helpful and have been where you are and where I am too.
I'm cheering you on!
Pills are my poison (thats what i call it) but were all fighting for a greater peaceful, sober life. I know I'm not one for advice considering I'm just starting over again but I must say I wish I were you and had reached out on this site.
I made it one month and I went back to the pills....now that was a year ago this month. Can you imagine if I just would have held on to myself tighter, reached out to someone... IF I had done that I beleive in my heart of hearts that I would be a YEAR sober but instead, I'm starting all over. I made the wrong decision, and oh how I wish I could go back but I can not. Now I have to start all over with the withdrawls. I hate it, hate I have wasted another year of my life.
You can do this !
Returning to this site couple days ago I just learned of PAWS. Maybe that's what happening? I wish I would've known of it last year because I think I would have understood what was happening in my head.
Please do not give up on you. Stick with it and all the peeps here are so helpful and have been where you are and where I am too.
I'm cheering you on!
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