Confidence completely shattered...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 360
Confidence completely shattered...
This is kind of ACOA stuff, but it could really apply to any area of recovery so I'll post it here since it's a busier forum.
It takes therapy to work through this stuff. "Changing your mind" about the rightness or wrongness of what your parents did to each other and to you isn't enough. "Changing your mind" doesn't alter the basic belief that it's your lot in life to be a victim, or that it's OK to expect everyone else to satisfy your desires even at the expense of their own needs.
Therapy is like weeding your emotional garden. "Changing your mind" or gaining insight is like using a hoe to take the top off a weed. Therapy gets root and all.
I've been learning more and more about dysfucntional families and what addiction really is, and some of the things I read just seem plain wrong to me. I've started making lists of things that I would like to change; how I react to situations, choosing not to involve myself in other peoples problems etc... Then I read the above and it all broke to pieces. I have no motivation or confidence that I can change on my own and I feel completely stuck. I've tried contacting someone who I can talk to, but the plain truth is that it's EXPENSIVE, even the cheapest person I could find is going to put serious strain on my financial structure, and I honestly don't know what that will mean. But after reading the above I feel hopeless, I feel like I have to see someone, and if I don't I'll never go anywhere and that's very discouraging and frustrating. I know that simply not drinking isn't enough, I have to get to the root of why I used in the first place, and that's what I've been doing. Would progress with a therapist be faster? Yes, but is it absolutely essential for success? I don't know... I find that life is almost never so black and white, I really need some encouragement right now. The therapist I contacted never called me back and I'm feeling really down and incapable of helping myself.
It takes therapy to work through this stuff. "Changing your mind" about the rightness or wrongness of what your parents did to each other and to you isn't enough. "Changing your mind" doesn't alter the basic belief that it's your lot in life to be a victim, or that it's OK to expect everyone else to satisfy your desires even at the expense of their own needs.
Therapy is like weeding your emotional garden. "Changing your mind" or gaining insight is like using a hoe to take the top off a weed. Therapy gets root and all.
I've been learning more and more about dysfucntional families and what addiction really is, and some of the things I read just seem plain wrong to me. I've started making lists of things that I would like to change; how I react to situations, choosing not to involve myself in other peoples problems etc... Then I read the above and it all broke to pieces. I have no motivation or confidence that I can change on my own and I feel completely stuck. I've tried contacting someone who I can talk to, but the plain truth is that it's EXPENSIVE, even the cheapest person I could find is going to put serious strain on my financial structure, and I honestly don't know what that will mean. But after reading the above I feel hopeless, I feel like I have to see someone, and if I don't I'll never go anywhere and that's very discouraging and frustrating. I know that simply not drinking isn't enough, I have to get to the root of why I used in the first place, and that's what I've been doing. Would progress with a therapist be faster? Yes, but is it absolutely essential for success? I don't know... I find that life is almost never so black and white, I really need some encouragement right now. The therapist I contacted never called me back and I'm feeling really down and incapable of helping myself.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Admiral 
This is kind of ACOA stuff, but it could really apply to any area of recovery so I'll post it here since it's a busier forum.
It takes therapy to work through this stuff. "Changing your mind" about the rightness or wrongness of what your parents did to each other and to you isn't enough. "Changing your mind" doesn't alter the basic belief that it's your lot in life to be a victim, or that it's OK to expect everyone else to satisfy your desires even at the expense of their own needs.
Therapy is like weeding your emotional garden. "Changing your mind" or gaining insight is like using a hoe to take the top off a weed. Therapy gets root and all.
I've been learning more and more about dysfucntional families and what addiction really is, and some of the things I read just seem plain wrong to me. I've started making lists of things that I would like to change; how I react to situations, choosing not to involve myself in other peoples problems etc... Then I read the above and it all broke to pieces. I have no motivation or confidence that I can change on my own and I feel completely stuck. I've tried contacting someone who I can talk to, but the plain truth is that it's EXPENSIVE, even the cheapest person I could find is going to put serious strain on my financial structure, and I honestly don't know what that will mean. But after reading the above I feel hopeless, I feel like I have to see someone, and if I don't I'll never go anywhere and that's very discouraging and frustrating. I know that simply not drinking isn't enough, I have to get to the root of why I used in the first place, and that's what I've been doing. Would progress with a therapist be faster? Yes, but is it absolutely essential for success? I don't know... I find that life is almost never so black and white, I really need some encouragement right now. The therapist I contacted never called me back and I'm feeling really down and incapable of helping myself.
It takes therapy to work through this stuff. "Changing your mind" about the rightness or wrongness of what your parents did to each other and to you isn't enough. "Changing your mind" doesn't alter the basic belief that it's your lot in life to be a victim, or that it's OK to expect everyone else to satisfy your desires even at the expense of their own needs.
Therapy is like weeding your emotional garden. "Changing your mind" or gaining insight is like using a hoe to take the top off a weed. Therapy gets root and all.
I've been learning more and more about dysfucntional families and what addiction really is, and some of the things I read just seem plain wrong to me. I've started making lists of things that I would like to change; how I react to situations, choosing not to involve myself in other peoples problems etc... Then I read the above and it all broke to pieces. I have no motivation or confidence that I can change on my own and I feel completely stuck. I've tried contacting someone who I can talk to, but the plain truth is that it's EXPENSIVE, even the cheapest person I could find is going to put serious strain on my financial structure, and I honestly don't know what that will mean. But after reading the above I feel hopeless, I feel like I have to see someone, and if I don't I'll never go anywhere and that's very discouraging and frustrating. I know that simply not drinking isn't enough, I have to get to the root of why I used in the first place, and that's what I've been doing. Would progress with a therapist be faster? Yes, but is it absolutely essential for success? I don't know... I find that life is almost never so black and white, I really need some encouragement right now. The therapist I contacted never called me back and I'm feeling really down and incapable of helping myself.
So what if that one passage says that, it doesnt mean its right for everyone. You have to find what is right for yourself in recovery, and to hell with what everyone else says. This is your journey, and its personal.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by Admiral
I've started making lists of things that I would like to change; how I react to situations, choosing not to involve myself in other peoples problems etc... Then I read the above and it all broke to pieces.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 360
Yes, thank you everyone for posting. The passage comes from "Dr. Irene's verbal abuse site." And this Dr. Irene does seem to be an actual doctor who has qualifications and is in practice according to the site. that's why it hit me so hard, to hear someone in the field who has counseled people say that IT IS ESSENTIAL... I don't know why, it's really hard for me to discard something that a "professional" says.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Admiral
Yes, thank you everyone for posting. The passage comes from "Dr. Irene's verbal abuse site." And this Dr. Irene does seem to be an actual doctor who has qualifications and is in practice accordinmg to the site. that's why it hit me so hard, to hear someone in the field who has counseled people say that IT IS ESSENTIAL... I don't know why, it's really hard for me to discard something that a "professional" says.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Don't forget that people who promote their services on websites have a vested interested in making their services absolutely necessary. Don't believe everything you read.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,420
Just my opinion
Hi Admiral,
IMHO, it takes work to change our perspective on the world and ourselves, and that means examining our core beliefs about the world.
Does therapy help this process along? Yes, if the therapist is competent.
However, there are many paths that we can take.
Do the 12 steps help us with this process? Yes, if we are honest with ourselves, do the work, and have a competent sponsor.
Do self help book work? Yes, they do.
Something about what you read on the verbal abuse site, resonated with you at a deep level.
I would encourage you to keep exploring what was so significant about this opinion that it deeply affected you.
IMHO, it takes work to change our perspective on the world and ourselves, and that means examining our core beliefs about the world.
Does therapy help this process along? Yes, if the therapist is competent.
However, there are many paths that we can take.
Do the 12 steps help us with this process? Yes, if we are honest with ourselves, do the work, and have a competent sponsor.
Do self help book work? Yes, they do.
Something about what you read on the verbal abuse site, resonated with you at a deep level.
I would encourage you to keep exploring what was so significant about this opinion that it deeply affected you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 360
Originally Posted by 1Dayatatyme
Hi Admiral,
IMHO, it takes work to change our perspective on the world and ourselves, and that means examining our core beliefs about the world.
Does therapy help this process along? Yes, if the therapist is competent.
However, there are many paths that we can take.
Do the 12 steps help us with this process? Yes, if we are honest with ourselves, do the work, and have a competent sponsor.
Do self help book work? Yes, they do.
Something about what you read on the verbal abuse site, resonated with you at a deep level.
I would encourage you to keep exploring what was so significant about this opinion that it deeply affected you.
IMHO, it takes work to change our perspective on the world and ourselves, and that means examining our core beliefs about the world.
Does therapy help this process along? Yes, if the therapist is competent.
However, there are many paths that we can take.
Do the 12 steps help us with this process? Yes, if we are honest with ourselves, do the work, and have a competent sponsor.
Do self help book work? Yes, they do.
Something about what you read on the verbal abuse site, resonated with you at a deep level.
I would encourage you to keep exploring what was so significant about this opinion that it deeply affected you.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
You've hit the nail on the head. As children of alcoholics we are taught indirectly over and over again that our perceptions of things are inauthentic or not to be trusted.
And others are right... You can do work without a therapist and help yourself. You can read books and do a lot of internal work.
Therapists can help. But don't ever doubt your ability to change, grow and heal yourself!
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
And others are right... You can do work without a therapist and help yourself. You can read books and do a lot of internal work.
Therapists can help. But don't ever doubt your ability to change, grow and heal yourself!
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Everything said above is totally true... what you read sounds like marketing materials to me. That said, therapy is amazing and useful, and if you feel it will be helpful, try looking into community health centers near you. Most cities have places where you can see graduates who are still gaining their certifications for a low cost. Try calling a university if there's one nearby. I'm currently seeing someone on a sliding scale basis and it's made a big difference for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 360
Originally Posted by fantail
Everything said above is totally true... what you read sounds like marketing materials to me. That said, therapy is amazing and useful, and if you feel it will be helpful, try looking into community health centers near you. Most cities have places where you can see graduates who are still gaining their certifications for a low cost. Try calling a university if there's one nearby. I'm currently seeing someone on a sliding scale basis and it's made a big difference for me.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
I agree with Jennie. Because of the environment I grew up in, I never could trust my own judgement. I knew things happened that were very wrong and very bad, but everyone acted like nothing happened or that those things were normal or "not that bad". As a result, my perception of reality was very skewed and that "gut feeling" that we should rely on had been disabled. It's a pretty serious mind f*ck that impacted me well beyond childhood.
I agree that therapy can be very beneficial. I did therapy for 4 years, but *i* did the work, not the therapist. My therapist will say the same. She doesn't fix people, she is the sounding board so they can begin to believe in themselves. I often disagreed with her, and she welcomed that. Resetting my "gut" and not relying so heavily on the opinions of others was critical for me. 20 people told me 20 different "truths" and that had me going in circles. Believing in myself is the only way I was able to turn my life around.
You know, Pooh bear is right. “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
I agree that therapy can be very beneficial. I did therapy for 4 years, but *i* did the work, not the therapist. My therapist will say the same. She doesn't fix people, she is the sounding board so they can begin to believe in themselves. I often disagreed with her, and she welcomed that. Resetting my "gut" and not relying so heavily on the opinions of others was critical for me. 20 people told me 20 different "truths" and that had me going in circles. Believing in myself is the only way I was able to turn my life around.
You know, Pooh bear is right. “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,420
You are doing the work!
Originally Posted by Admiral
Well, I've been reading that people who come from dysfunctional families can often times be approval seekers. I find that I have a really hard time believing in myself, and if I decided something is true, someone else can come along and destroy it very easily. At work if a customer gets mad it's my fault, if they say I'm not doing a good job it's true. If I liked a movie and learn everyone else hated it, then I suddenly feel like I should hate it too, if a website says I can't fix myself... It's not really THIS opinion specifically, but I'm just prone to having my beliefs shaken in general. I haven't really figured out exactly what it is from my childhood that made me that way, but I think the answer is there somewhere.
Your post shows that you are doing the work, this time, utilizing the support and shared experience of us here on SR.
What great insight and awareness... that, IMO, is half the battle.
As the daughter of a father who raged when he was drunk, and a meek and martyr, though loving, mother, you bet I learned to survive by seeking approval from others. Another trait I am noticing in your posts, common to adult children of alcoholics, and which I share with you is over responsibility for others actions or for how they feel. Your example with the customer, for instance.
What I learned to do in situations like that was take some time afterwards, journaling at some times and sometimes not. I would do a personal inventory relating to that situation. Was I polite? Did I have the product knowledge? Did I respond in a timely fashion? Basically, if I met my own criteria for doing my job well, then that ukky feeling in my gut meant I was being over responsible. As a child, do you know how many times my dad told he " You are making me mad?" Wow... I was a powerful little girl, being able to make this big man rage, yell, and sometimes hit me... it was all my fault.
The key was the awareness that I grew up with a skewed perspective and that I believed I was responsible to make everyone I met happy.
How freeing it is to know that now, I am responsible to myself and to my own Higher Power.
I did my work through Codependents Anonymous, Al Alon, ACOA information, and included therapy at different points in my journey.
I used a ton of books, CoDependent No More gave me so much hope,
The Four Agreements.
Now that you are aware of what the problem is, you will find a solution.
One change I did make is that I have very strong boundaries. I am professional at work, and am picky about my friends. I love to spend time alone in meditation, exercising, resting, journaling... it is amazingly easy when I have only myself to please and am responsible for only myself.
I have stumbled at times, but I pick myself back up and begin my journey again.
Sober Recovery is now where I do my work... where I can be my authentic self, and the icing on the cake...finding so many kindred souls.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 360
Well, the therapist called back, and with sliding scale the price is going to be insanely low! This is very good news, I talked to her and she has dealt with families and individuals with chemical dependency issues as well as ACOA stuff, so I really hope this is a good fit.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Admiral
Well, the therapist called back, and with sliding scale the price is going to be insanely low! This is very good news, I talked to her and she has dealt with families and individuals with chemical dependency issues as well as ACOA stuff, so I really hope this is a good fit.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Therapy is something i work at, on myself, by myself . It sometimes takes a while to gain perspective on yourself but i think it's a worthwhile excercise and possible .
You sound quite self aware and interested in getting down to the brass tacks of yourself .
Some people find the answer in working the 12 steps , For myself i drew on those but i also look furthur afield for illumination , sometimes agreeing sometimes rejecting, either way useful .
U.G. Krishnamurti being one of my favorites of recent (not to be confused with Jiddu Krishnamurti ) .
Bestwishes, M
You sound quite self aware and interested in getting down to the brass tacks of yourself .
Some people find the answer in working the 12 steps , For myself i drew on those but i also look furthur afield for illumination , sometimes agreeing sometimes rejecting, either way useful .
U.G. Krishnamurti being one of my favorites of recent (not to be confused with Jiddu Krishnamurti ) .
Bestwishes, M
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Originally Posted by Admiral
I don't know why, it's really hard for me to discard something that a "professional" says.
You're taking those that quote much too seriously--take a deep breath and continue working on yourself the best way you can. There are many free resources you can use--the Internet, AA/NA and the library for self-help books. I find that most, if not the majority of those suffering from addictions or emotional issues rarely use the free resources available to them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I came across this the other day, I don't know if you'll find it useful or not but it is another viewpoint nonetheless...
Be Your Own Therapist - YouTube
Be Your Own Therapist - YouTube
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
