jstar

"Stick with the winners"...I've been told this several times from AA people I've talked to. I've heard it and dismissed it so many times because part of me wants to believe everyone is good deep down and those who are the most needy probably just need a friend. I just instantly befriend almost everyone I meet.

The problem with this instant acceptance of "everyone" is leaving me feeling used, drained, taken advantage of... and I'm starting to feel resentful of certain people I've allowed to get closer to me. People I've (I'm sure) shared too much personal information with because I have this desire for everyone to like me...or I'm just lonely and am looking for friends and am taking whoever is around to hang out with, without using any discernment.

People also say that just because some people are in recovery/AA doesn't make them "well" or "good". There are still the users and manipulators just like in the world.

So how do you "stick with the winners" and not get bogged down by the others?

I hope this doesn't come across wrong, I'm not saying I'm better than the others, just trying to figure out what is the criteria of a "winner" in recovery/AA? I guess it reminds me of being a kid when my mom used to tell me "you are who you surround yourself with".

I know you'll all have great advice here I'm sure

Dee74

Hi Jstar

all I know is my people picker got a lot better after a little time in recovery - I saw things, and people, more clearly as the months wore on.

My advice is to look for people who seem to have what you want - and look for the people who really *do* it - the ones who live their recovery, rather than just talk about it

D

jstar

Great advice Dee as always

I seem to attract everyone that needs something from me...like rides (which I don't mind as long as it's just to/from a meeting...but I get asked to take people to the grocery store, recycling center, dr appts....all kinds of places and during the day...these people know I work full time but I have my own business so I think they think I can just take off work whenever I want! I usually say no to requests during business hours.), money (people are always asking me for money or to buy them something at the store, or to help them with their check at Denny's because they don't have enough money to pay for what they ordered! ) and employment...I am the only employee at my business and am not announcing job offers or anything, but I've had several people ask me for a job.

As I type this out I can see I obviously have no boundaries! !! Ouch on the self realization here!

And I can also see some of my selfishness here too as I'm complaining about people asking for help. ...sigh....I have a long way to go!

mecanix

Defining and supporting my personal boundaries is part of my campain to stay sane enough to stay sober .

My people pleaser side comes out , I was one of the few drunks who used to get panhandled by other people .

I gave away a perfectly good car once just because i couldn't be botherd with it and someone random person was bemoaning not having one . Not really something i could afford to give away .

I give what i can afford to give but i have had to re-asess what i can aford to give people, emotionaly and materialy .

Bestwishes, M

GracieLou

Yes, you have to create boundaries. You have seen how some can take advantage of someones good nature. These are not the winners. They take, take and take. You have to learn to say no. Use the excuse that you have other obligations and in reality that is not an excuse. YOU are your other obligation. This is your life we are talking about. You are not responsible for theirs.

You are not selfish. They are not asking for help they are taking advantage of you. That is two separate things.

As Dee said you will get to know people more as time goes on and that has already happened and it is true that just because people are in AA does not mean they are working the program, are working on their recovery and are changing their character defects. Using other people is one of these character defects.

I had one lady that I met in the program that I could see her being a user after the fact. She wanted to exchange numbers, which we did. She mentioned she may need a ride and I also had no problem with that. That same afternoon she called and went on for 45 minutes about everything but AA or her problems with alcohol. I heard about her husband, who was still drinking, her medical problems and her financial issues. I only saw her a handful of times after that and not since. I assume she went back out.

I think for me I had to concentrate on me. We cannot save everyone. If someone needs a ride, fine. I will not be someones taxi, babysitter or loan officer.

When I see these people at meetings I still say hi. I don't hide from them. When you tell them no enough times they will go away and find a new person to take advantage of.

If you want to help them, pray for them. I mean that sincerely. Pray they find direction.