Day 23 & Step 2
 

Just a check in. Haven't been around here much lately, but figured I would stop by since this place was a great aid in getting me through the doors that first time! (well, first time since deciding to quit)

It blows my mind that it's only been 23 days. But so much has been learned in that time. And it's been the best decision I've made, ever. I feel like the stars aligned, or however you want to put it... The first sober day, a huge weight was lifted just in admitting I had a problem. Just telling someone about the pep talks I gave myself in the bathroom of the bar. "Tonight, you're going to get your buzz and just maintain it... Not overdo it like always." And admitting to not being able to do it.

Two days after calling it quits I returned to AA. Something I'd been court-ordered to attend years ago, and took a little from. Upon entering this time, the experience was totally different. I actually related to the people there... They talked about things that creeped me out, because I didn't think normal people had these same thoughts. As it turns out, they don't. It's called alcoholism.

So, rather than sponging, I decided on the "all in" approach and volunteered myself to get a sponsor. Figured it would be some broke down old guy that was gonna preach at me about how bad alcohol is and how it's gonna get me. Turns out, my sponsor is in a related field, has a loving family, and is a very respectable person... With a "Dark Passenger". (Dexter reference) We clicked right from the get go, and our drinking history is/was pretty much the same up until the 30 mark. He just didn't stop at 30, and went on almost 20 more years until he was at an all-time low.

I had reservations about taking the first step, because I thought it was two steps in one. Yes, I'm an alcoholic and have a serious problem, but I wasn't ready to admit it was making my life unmanageable. We talked a while, and it became very apparent that yes, the alcohol was taking over my life... And headed down the path I was on, was going to kill me. Apparently normal people don't hide an extra 30 pack in each vehicle, just in case. Nor is it normal to keep a flask of gin in the back so that when getting shaved ice, it would have "flavor". That was step one... My admitting to my flaws, and the fact I had no control over them.

Step 2... It's one I truly do believe in. While I know I will struggle with step 3, because I'm hard-headed and still hold on to the religious preaching's of my youth. But step 2, the admitting that there is a power greater than myself to bring me back to the world of the sane, yes. Absolutely. Whether it be AA, SR, or human kindness/will in general, that is out of my control, which makes it a power greater than I.

Right now, my major struggle is with other's stories. I have this guilty feeling... Others have been through so much, and I just feel so guilty that I haven't hit rock bottom. Sure, I've had low spots, but I feel that I'm getting into this before I've lost control 100%. It also scares me that this same feeling will one day lead me back to drinking. I guess that's where the "one day at a time" comes into play.

So, there's my rambling's for the night. Sorry to bore. Just felt like sharing.

Congrats on day 23! :scoregood Keep on keepin' on.:)

Congratulations on your progress TheKl0wn :)

As far as feeling guilty, everyone here (and at AA) has been where you are now.
I was too, but I kept on drinking, for years, and ended up with my own war story.
But....Alcoholism's not a war where the guy with the most medals win...I really wish I had less medals...I think everyone here would.

but we all run our own race - it's not your fault I nearly drank myself to death - how could it be? :)

Stop feeling guilty - it's just another way your inner addict is trying to pull back on your momentum.

Be proud you're dealing with this now, not after you lose everything :)
D

Congrats on day 23!!!

I think you should be proud that you never hit rock bottom and that you decided to sort things out before you did so don't feel guilty feel proud!

Congratulations on 23 days!

Dee73, that helped A LOT! "...it's not your fault I nearly drank myself to death." It puts things into perspective. I have my little badges to bare as well, and it's now my duty to help others achieve little-to-no badges at all.

Day 27, and I took Step 3 last night. Vowed myself over. The biggest struggle with that statement is that my Star Wars lovin' a** wants to say, "to the dark side"... But we all know what the dark side really is.

I think where the biggest fear comes in was summed up by a guy receiving his 3-year chip last night. Had he not slipped up and mangled himself badly, he would've received his 30-year chip last night. In his little speech he said something that I really related to. "...at year 20, I was still a bad alcoholic, but in recovery. At year 23, I wasn't as bad of an alcoholic, and was nearly recovered. At year 25, I wasn't an alcoholic anymore, and I was fully recovered. To celebrate, I had a drink. The next night, two. Within a month, I was in the hospital and didn't know why I was tied to machines and in pain. Here I stand again, serving my part as a good example of a bad example."

Last Wednesday of the month is chip night. I won't be missing ANY of those! So inspiring!

Congrats thekl0wn it sounds like you are doing great! :)

Having said that I want to point something out that I hope helps in some way.

OK, first remember that we are striving for "spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection". In step one we are admitting we are powerless over alcohol. I take that to mean completely powerlessness. You can't think you are 99% powerless because that leaves a small bit of doubt in your mind. I've heard some old-timers say that the only part of the steps that need to be done perfectly is the first half of the first step. The way I look at it, even if I was able to control my drinking some of the time I knew that some of the time I couldn't. I never knew which time I could or couldn't therefore I was 100% powerless over it.

I just wanted to say that in hopes that it will relieve any guilt you have over quitting before hitting rock bottom. You should be grateful not to have waited until you lose everything before you got sober. :)