Nature

hello everyone

i don't drink - never have. so i found it tricky to recognize that my partner's strange behaviour: extremely egotistical behaviour, violent temper, critical comments, decisions to punish me for irrelevant misunderstandings etc. were part of alcoholic behaviours. you may think i am loosely wrapped when you read that sentence, but add to the mix that i am a western woman and my partner is an North Indian male and that our relationship is a secret one.

after five years of trying to figure out why i can't leave someone who treats me so poorly, never mind how charming he may be the rest of the time, and how philanthropic he is in the other areas of his life, i have realized there is a dramatic abandonment issue from my childhood that may well be the reason behind my insane choices.

i have resisted spending time with my partner for 12 days now. and i want to learn what the most humane and practical way might be to stop facilitating his alcoholism. says he loves me to "pieces" and that he can't live without me, but who knows right?

any feedback would be very much appreciated,
N

Bubovski

It sounds as if you may be enabling behaviour that is detrimental to you as well as him.
Abandonment issues are sad but not a good reason to opt for ongoing suffering.

As for facilitating his behaviour, despite perceived admirable traits, and your own self described insane behaviour, he may well feel quite happy continuing along the lines of the past five years.
Unless he is convinced as to how his alcoholic behaviour upsets you and wishes to change this, it is hard to see him taking any form of remedial action.

fantail

I think sometimes the problem with relationships with alcoholics is that it makes it seem to us, as partners, like the negative things can be stopped if the alcohol is removed.

In the past I dated alcoholics and addicts and felt that way. It wasn't them, it was the substance, that was the problem.

I then became an alcoholic myself, lucky me

What I realized as an alcoholic was that drinking can certainly make someone a bad partner... but it isn't the only thing. Not every drunk turns mean, belittling, and controlling. Not to say that people who do that are bad people, I'm just saying it means that there are some issues there beyond the alcohol.

It sounds like what you're dealing with is a guy who has a lot of problems, one massive one being alcohol which is magnifying all the others.

Unless he on his own decides that he needs to address all these things about himself... it's not a very hopeful situation.

Now that you've had this realization about your abandonment issues, have you considered some kind of therapy? His alcoholism and underlying issues are not something you can do much about. But it might be time to start working through your fear of ending what sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship.

Big hugs to you.

Nature

Thanks for your reply Murchovski.

It is true that abandonment is not an excuse to continue facilitating the negative actions of a friend, no matter how dear.

I am on Day 12 now - of avoiding his company when he drinks. I have joined SR hoping I won't fall back into old patterns. I feel as if I am the addict - chasing a hopeless dream. I trust him for a while and then poof! I am yesterday's garbage. And then poof again! I am the queen of the mountains and he'll show up at 6 in the morning and start cooking for me and asking me what I wanted to "talk" about the night before.

Now I figure he is addicted to the drama as well as the rum. If I can stop feeding the drama, maybe the relationship would fizzle away into the mirage it emerged from, or he'll realize he was reading my kindnesses as stupidity these five years?

I am not sure how to "convince" him of just how much agony his unfriendly ways - mostly aggravated by 'daru' (alcohol) are putting me through. I've tried everything I can think of: leaving him, swearing back at him about his mother on two occasions to let him know what it feels like when he insults my sisters daily (my name has been replaced by a profanity, drunk or otherwise this past year). I have tried telling him plainly, dramatically, emotionally and humourously how ridiculous the situation is. I have tried dumping the alcohol down the drain and punching him back in the face once. I have tried to help him see he is risking serious embarrassment at work (worse than death for him), and I have even asked his best friend (the only other person who knows about our relationship) to talk to him.

If you have any other ideas about how to let him know some fair play might be more fun than this tragic state of affairs, I am all ears.

Gratefully,

N

Db1105

Give your local Al-Anon group a call.

visch1

I'll certainly second the vote for AlAnon. BE WELL

Nature

Thanks for your reply Fantail,

Yes, he has issues, and when he has been sober for more than the three hours it takes to get closer to lunch in the morning, the odd time, I have noticed he is open to talking about these issues and working through them. He's a straightforward kind of person who calls a spade a spade especially if it is related to his own behaviour. I know you're right though and there is probably more below the surface of his glass.

So I have always focused on the issues over the alcohol. And now I'm wondering if that was the wrong priority all this time.

Therapy - a problem in India as far as I understand...

Thank you for your thoughts and good wishes

Nature

I have checked out the Al Anon website for India - no meetings anywhere near Dehradun - closest is Chandigarh or Delhi. Both are 6 hours away.

It doesn't look like they have a website discussion/meeting arrangement via the internet?

Thanks though,
N

heyblu

I too, have always focused on the substance, and in my mind if my spouse were to get sober it would solve all our problems. Not all,but many use substances as a band aid...to cover up past abuse in childhood, for mental health issues etc. In my case my spouse is bipolar and has abuse in his past. Currently he is in rehab and is trying to work through issues that he has... So taking away the alcohol may not solve the issue but he may get a clearer picture of how he has been treating you, and that he needs help. I am sorry you are going through this, I know how hard it is, my spouse too was mentally abusive when he would drink or when he ran out of his substance of choice.I also suggest you go to an AlAnon group... I have started going to my local NarAnon and it is opening my eyes to how I have been enabling and co-dependent. I am a newcomer to this forum and it has helped to read other peoples stories and advice...we all need words of encouragement! Hugs...

honeypig

Nature, welcome to SR. Sorry you have a need to be here, but there are a lot of folks with many, many years of hard-won wisdom to offer, and I have gotten a lot of help here. I hope that you find the same.

May I suggest the family and friends section of the forum? Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information You might find threads and info more specific to what you're going through.

In searching for Alanon in India, I found the following links:

http://india.al-anon.alateen.org/ This site has a listing of in-person meetings.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/electronic-meetings This is a listing of online and telephone meetings. I have heard that the telephone meetings are good, have not done one myself. I did try the email meetings and for me, it was not a good fit, but that is just my own experience.

Hopefully something there will help you, as it is so very hard to go thru all this alone. Best wishes for some peace and clarity today!