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Getting my wife to understand...

Old 06-23-2013, 08:43 AM
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Getting my wife to understand...

I registered on here a couple of weeks ago because I had gotten drunk that previous weekend and did a bunch of dumb stuff (as usual). I spent the next weekend not drinking and spending quality time with my wife. I am a very sweet, considerate and caring personShe when I am sober but when im drunk I have what I like to call Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome.

I know I have a problem with drinking. I dont drink everyday so my wife just thinks I have self control issues. I cant make her understand that I cant even have a single drink because that drink will most indefinitely lead to me getting black out drunk and doing something stupid.

I love my wife more than anything in this world but im afraid I have scarred her so bad emotionally that she may nevwr be able to completely forgive me. I am such an ass hole to her when im drunk.

My question is: how do I make my wife understand that just because im not your typical alcoholic, I still have a drinking problem. I cant just get a good buzz and stop there. I dont have that switch that should tell me to stop. How do I get her to understand?

I am so depressed about this right now...
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Old 06-23-2013, 08:58 AM
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Can you not just say 'all definitions aside, drinking makes me unhappy and the people I love unhappy, so I would rather not drink anymore?'

Surely if drinking causes bad behaviour from you towards her, she should be happy.

Is she scared of how you two will enjoy life together without booze?
I would say if she is, don't labour the point of not drinking forever, just say its something you want for today, and you are not sure its going to be forever, its just now.

There is a part of her that might never understand.
She does not drink like me and you do.

However, I know I am a much more stable, calm, grounded person now I have stopped drinking. I think for that odd friday night out when I might have drunk, my friends and partner prefer me this way.
There is nothing exciting watching me drink cheapo vodka in my dressing gown then passing out on the sofa.

My best to you
xx
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Old 06-23-2013, 09:28 AM
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I think instead of explaining anything, just do it. She has heard your apologies and excuses time and time again. I know mine has.

Treat her like the queen she is, all day and every day. She will like the new you.
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Old 06-23-2013, 09:29 AM
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My friend, you ARE the "typical alcoholic"
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Old 06-23-2013, 09:34 AM
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Yeah, I think if you look around the boards you will see that you really are a 'typical' alcoholic. We all do things we regret, say things we don't mean and try to not drink.

I think that you should focus on your recovery and allow your wife to see the changes in you.
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Old 06-23-2013, 09:39 AM
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let her attend al anon and work on her.
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Old 06-23-2013, 09:43 AM
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It takes more then a week to gain there trust. In sobriety there is so much more . You will be able to understand your self and her . The others in our life need to say change
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Old 06-23-2013, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by GottaChange82 View Post
I dont drink everyday so my wife just thinks I have self control issues. I cant make her understand that I cant even have a single drink because that drink will most indefinitely lead to me getting black out drunk and doing something stupid.
Maybe you could print out an article from a reputable source that explains that alcoholism is really not about drinking frequency but about your reaction to alcohol and what happens on those occasions when you do drink. This might help change her current view that because you don't drink every day, you don't have a problem. Here's one:

"Alcoholism is NOT defined by what you drink, when you drink it, or even how much you drink. It’s the EFFECTS of your drinking that define a problem. If your drinking is causing problems in your home or work life, you have a drinking problem—whether you drink daily or only on the weekends, down shots of tequila or stick to wine, drink three bottles of beers a day or three bottles of whiskey."

Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse: Signs, Symptoms, and Help for Alcoholism and Alcohol Use Problems

Sounds like she just isn't very well-informed about what alcoholism is and isn't, which makes this an opportunity to help her better understand your problem. Good luck to you!
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Old 06-23-2013, 10:30 AM
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It seems to me that even if your wife "understands," then you would still be at the point of needing to stop drinking.

In other words, I agree with the previous posts that your wife's insight or lack thereof may not be your primary concern.
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Old 06-23-2013, 10:54 AM
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If you didn't drink, why would it be important for your wife to understand that you don't think you should drink? You could just be a non-drinker.
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Old 06-23-2013, 11:18 AM
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I'm not sure why you feel it is important for your wife to understand that you can't control your drinking when you drink. Does she pressure you to drink and she wouldn't do that if she knew you couldn't control it?
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Old 06-23-2013, 11:46 AM
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Am I missing something or is it not reasonable for the OP to want his wife to better understand his problem in hopes that she will then support him in his efforts to quit?

I mean yes, it's ultimately up to him to do the quitting, but it seems to me that having his wife in his corner would be a huge help in accomplishing that.
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Old 06-23-2013, 11:55 AM
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Yes, it would be awesome is he has her support.

Honestly though, I would think the fact that he is a self reported Mr Hyde, and a hole when he drinks would make her all manner of supportive of him not drinking.

Or getting real honest and telling her that your are an alcoholic, one drink and you lose control and you cannot beat this on your own and want to seek treatment for the benefit of all..would be a good place to start.
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Old 06-23-2013, 12:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Threshold View Post
Yes, it would be awesome is he has her support.

Honestly though, I would think the fact that he is a self reported Mr Hyde, and a hole when he drinks would make her all manner of supportive of him not drinking.

Or getting real honest and telling her that your are an alcoholic, one drink and you lose control and you cannot beat this on your own and want to seek treatment for the benefit of all..would be a good place to start.
I thought he was being honest when he wrote, "I cant make her understand that I cant even have a single drink because that drink will most indefinitely lead to me getting black out drunk and doing something stupid."

When he wrote, "I dont drink everyday so my wife just thinks I have self control issues," I took that to mean that his wife doesn't recognize the magnitude of his problem, not that he doesn't recognize it or acknowledge it.
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Old 06-23-2013, 02:43 PM
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I can relate a lot to you Gotta change (and we are about the same age I would think!)

I was an everyday drinker, not heavy but everyday, without fail. but if I had a partner or 2 to tag along I could go for however long they were willing to keep up for.

So I found here and decided to quitt. At first she couldnt understand, she seen a few days where I would drink whatever we have and Mix (Last beer, mix drink, crack a bottle of wine for a glass) so she thought maybe there was something to this, but didt think I was that bad.

Then the Withdrawls........IT was even harder because I was sweating and soaking the sheets, anxiety attacks that scared me and freaked her out a bit. SHe could see it was an issue, but wondered if THIS was any better as I was very controlled and functional as a drinker.

But as I got better, as I cleared up my thoughts, as she seen how I wanted this for US, and OUR FAMILY she is all on board now.

I had a six week stint, then relapsed and back not for just over a week...and Ill tell you the withdrawls arent as bad, and the desire to kill this animal is even stronger.

Good Luck, and people, nervous and doubtful people like to hear the good. Dont discuss the bad with her, why you felt defeated, what is wrong with it, that is not gonna put her at ease.
Discuss the great things coming, the better you will feel, the money you can save not dumping 10 - 20 bucks a day (at least some times) on booze. How this will get you to a better place to support her and your marriage. That should help get her to understand or at least join the team
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Old 06-23-2013, 02:48 PM
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The general public has a huge amount of misconceptions about alcoholics and alcoholism. I don't think the vast majority of "normies" will ever understand us. They don't think or drink like us, it is just outside of their scope of experience. I have reached the point where I don't expect people to understand me.

His wife may never understand that one drink is too much and a hundred is not enough. But, what does it matter? As long as HE understands himself and knows that he can never take that first drink.

Eventually, when she sees that his sobriety improves his behavior, his mood, their marriage, she will probably develop an appreciation for his sobriety, even if she doesn't understand the nature of alcoholism.
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Old 06-23-2013, 06:24 PM
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Originally Posted by GottaChange82 View Post
I know I have a problem with drinking. I dont drink everyday so my wife just thinks I have self control issues. I cant make her understand that I cant even have a single drink because that drink will most indefinitely lead to me getting black out drunk and doing something stupid.

I love my wife more than anything in this world but im afraid I have scarred her so bad emotionally that she may nevwr be able to completely forgive me. I am such an ass hole to her when im drunk.
Sounds to me that you've shown her clearly that you like to drink and get a buzz. Sucks that you're got that bit in you where you "scar her emotionally". Not sure what you've done, don't need to...but maybe you need to see someone else actually read this and wondered exactly what you're up to when you say you're such an arse?

She apparently is pretty ok with things if you feel this need to keep trying to get her to understand it's not so easy.

No - I am not really saying she is OK WITH YOU BEING A IDIOT. Just that she's not acting, by your writing, like someone you've emotionally scarred.
Sometimes women are expected to be a bit more fragile...and I think they are the least fragile of the sexes.

best I have is to say --- just do it. Lay off the booze, get some support outside the relationship and actually show her YOU. She apparently still sees YOU. That's something a HUGE majority of people on here don't have any longer. Just head over the the Friends and Family sections to see what the love of your life can eventually think of you.

You sound different than a lot of people that post here. I don't think it's me being sensitive, I think it's something about you that is still very aware of what you are doing. That's pretty damned wonderful in most peoples eyes.
Cheers!
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Old 06-23-2013, 06:40 PM
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Sorry but you are just a garden variety alcoholic.Your story has been told 1000's of times on SR
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Old 06-23-2013, 07:26 PM
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That was such a huge about of ESH MIR - I'm blown away.
I Do hope you pass the wisdom shared here onto every member. I'd rather not think this one comment of yours is unique.
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Old 06-23-2013, 07:52 PM
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Hi gottachange, does your wife want you to be able to drink moderately?
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