Just feel empty
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 3
Just feel empty
I am new to this forum and would like to share my story of a 17 year relationship with my AP. I'm not sure when the drinking started or if its even stopped, even after 2 stints in detox, I have seen very little progress in his recovery.
I have helped this man through thick and thin, I stood by him, I supported him, and I loved him and I picked up the trail of mess he leaves behind, I gave this man a good life, a clean home, clean clothes to wear a home cooked meal each night, that I went to the supermarket to buy and prepare and I would make excuses to my self why he could not show me any respect, love and be valued. The truth is he can't because it was always about his depression, his needs, his problems and I was to blame for each and every one of them, I was to controlling and I could never please him, I finally had enough, his self pity-pot is so big not even he can fill it. The alcohole, drugs, they always came first. When I said the relashionship is always about you and your needs and it was time to show me some love, honesty and kindness back, I could hear his brain say WHAT and then the truth comes out he was unable to love or care about me in the same way, as it was all about his needs and wants and he was just incapable.
After his last stint in detox life was bliss for a while, and I even liked the new AP but it was short lived, all the old habits started to reapear, the lies, the hiding outside, the smoking dope, he started to loose a lot of weight and was not sleeping, and I think he was stealing also and I beleive he has been drink driving again as his interlock was removed 3 months ago and that's when I could sense the changes, I asked him what was going on, was he drinking again or doing drugs, he would deny it all, but I believe he learnt to hide it better with each stint in detox...
I could not take living like this under his terms so I started to fight back, the more verbal abuse he gave me, he got back that and more, he would then abuse my daughter while I was not home because he said she was a Mini Me!!
I have very few friends and family left that he didnt drown his sorrows to, they all got feed up with all the crying and his depression. I finaly told him to leave as he has no love or respect for me and he blames me for everything. My 19yr old son has also gone to live with him, as my Partner allows him to smoke dope and be disrespectable towards me also, " a great teacher" I have given them both a stable home and a comfortable life and I got very little appreciation, I feel like a fool for wasting 17 yrs on this man!
I asked him what he wanted and his response was "happiness".... I thought you made your own happiness! But NO his is in the bottom of a bottle!
So after enabling this person to teat me like crap for so long, I feel angry, hurt, abandoned, and very confused.... Ive lost my partner, my son and soon my home, I have so much steam coming out of my ears right now I think I could get a steam train up the hill and back!
I beleive that alcoholics have all the support networks in place, and people to
help them and put them back together again, just to do it all over again when it suits them. Where is the support for the poor vulnerable families they wreak havoc on, when they destroyed all your self esteem and relationship with your family and friend because of there self pity and problems.
I hope I can somehow find the real me one day and hope that he didn't destroy her along the way!!!
I have helped this man through thick and thin, I stood by him, I supported him, and I loved him and I picked up the trail of mess he leaves behind, I gave this man a good life, a clean home, clean clothes to wear a home cooked meal each night, that I went to the supermarket to buy and prepare and I would make excuses to my self why he could not show me any respect, love and be valued. The truth is he can't because it was always about his depression, his needs, his problems and I was to blame for each and every one of them, I was to controlling and I could never please him, I finally had enough, his self pity-pot is so big not even he can fill it. The alcohole, drugs, they always came first. When I said the relashionship is always about you and your needs and it was time to show me some love, honesty and kindness back, I could hear his brain say WHAT and then the truth comes out he was unable to love or care about me in the same way, as it was all about his needs and wants and he was just incapable.
After his last stint in detox life was bliss for a while, and I even liked the new AP but it was short lived, all the old habits started to reapear, the lies, the hiding outside, the smoking dope, he started to loose a lot of weight and was not sleeping, and I think he was stealing also and I beleive he has been drink driving again as his interlock was removed 3 months ago and that's when I could sense the changes, I asked him what was going on, was he drinking again or doing drugs, he would deny it all, but I believe he learnt to hide it better with each stint in detox...
I could not take living like this under his terms so I started to fight back, the more verbal abuse he gave me, he got back that and more, he would then abuse my daughter while I was not home because he said she was a Mini Me!!
I have very few friends and family left that he didnt drown his sorrows to, they all got feed up with all the crying and his depression. I finaly told him to leave as he has no love or respect for me and he blames me for everything. My 19yr old son has also gone to live with him, as my Partner allows him to smoke dope and be disrespectable towards me also, " a great teacher" I have given them both a stable home and a comfortable life and I got very little appreciation, I feel like a fool for wasting 17 yrs on this man!
I asked him what he wanted and his response was "happiness".... I thought you made your own happiness! But NO his is in the bottom of a bottle!
So after enabling this person to teat me like crap for so long, I feel angry, hurt, abandoned, and very confused.... Ive lost my partner, my son and soon my home, I have so much steam coming out of my ears right now I think I could get a steam train up the hill and back!
I beleive that alcoholics have all the support networks in place, and people to
help them and put them back together again, just to do it all over again when it suits them. Where is the support for the poor vulnerable families they wreak havoc on, when they destroyed all your self esteem and relationship with your family and friend because of there self pity and problems.
I hope I can somehow find the real me one day and hope that he didn't destroy her along the way!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by Somehow 
I beleive that alcoholics have all the support networks in place, and people to
help them and put them back together again, just to do it all over again when it suits them. Where is the support for the poor vulnerable families they wreak havoc on, when they destroyed all your self esteem and relationship with your family and friend because of there self pity and problems.
help them and put them back together again, just to do it all over again when it suits them. Where is the support for the poor vulnerable families they wreak havoc on, when they destroyed all your self esteem and relationship with your family and friend because of there self pity and problems.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
Really sorry you are going through this. I have been there. My dad is an alcoholic and he is not in recovery. Growing up he was mentor, my best friend and my example for everything. The alcoholism has taken him from us lately... It still hurts even though I'm grown and out of my childhood home long ago.
I had to learn to "detach with love" as they say - sounds corny but what that really means is that while we may always love them, we distance ourselves emotionally, especially when they are drinking and using, because otherwise we face more pain!
My mom left my dad last year after a 30 year marriage. 20 of those years were pretty happy ones. The most recent ones were awful and I think she was waiting for him to change but he never could. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
I wish I had more hope for you. I am also an addict and alcoholic but I am in recovery so some of us DO make it out. In the mean time, take care of yourself and keep reaching out for support. You are not alone. Things will eventually get better for YOU one way or another. If he gets sober, it will be ok and even if he doesn't, it will somehow be ok... My mom had a hard time but now she has a new home and a great job she absolutely loves. She had to get out. Maybe you will do the same, or maybe your partner will get this sobriety thing. Hugs
I had to learn to "detach with love" as they say - sounds corny but what that really means is that while we may always love them, we distance ourselves emotionally, especially when they are drinking and using, because otherwise we face more pain!
My mom left my dad last year after a 30 year marriage. 20 of those years were pretty happy ones. The most recent ones were awful and I think she was waiting for him to change but he never could. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
I wish I had more hope for you. I am also an addict and alcoholic but I am in recovery so some of us DO make it out. In the mean time, take care of yourself and keep reaching out for support. You are not alone. Things will eventually get better for YOU one way or another. If he gets sober, it will be ok and even if he doesn't, it will somehow be ok... My mom had a hard time but now she has a new home and a great job she absolutely loves. She had to get out. Maybe you will do the same, or maybe your partner will get this sobriety thing. Hugs
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I'm sorry for your pain and frustration. Al-anon is a great resource, there is a friends and family forum here at SR..and there is a lot of information out there on Co-dependency, which is typically what is occurring in these situations. I actually just completed a free co-dependency class put on through a local transition house.
I'm likely going to push some buttons here, but the first thing you will have to face is HE didnt' destroy you. You gave and gave and gave and gave...and your resentment continued to fester. You were dealing with addiction here and it will help you to reach out and find answers about that.
You have endured alot...your daughter had to too. Your self esteem has taken a beating..but I suspect there were issues before you endured a relationship that gave you so little. Everything is a mirror. Seek to understand why you stayed...how you participated in the toxic dance.
I'm likely going to push some buttons here, but the first thing you will have to face is HE didnt' destroy you. You gave and gave and gave and gave...and your resentment continued to fester. You were dealing with addiction here and it will help you to reach out and find answers about that.
You have endured alot...your daughter had to too. Your self esteem has taken a beating..but I suspect there were issues before you endured a relationship that gave you so little. Everything is a mirror. Seek to understand why you stayed...how you participated in the toxic dance.
I'm glad you found us but sorry for the reason why.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Somehow
Give me a break Nuudawn....I didn't say he destroyed me, I said "HOPEFULLY" he hasn't...
And I look in the mirror everyday and I like the person that stares back at me...
R
And I look in the mirror everyday and I like the person that stares back at me...
R
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Hi Somehow 
Not sure why we took that detour.... but anyway...I don't find you defensive at all and you seem remarkably intact to me
Like others have said AlAnon is an organisation analogous to AA for the loved ones of alcoholics - we also have a Family and Friends forum that I encourage you to check out as well
I know you must be worried about your son and your home but I hope both things will resolve themselves.
I'm sure there are good things ahead for you now - welcome to SR!
D
Not sure why we took that detour.... but anyway...I don't find you defensive at all and you seem remarkably intact to me
Like others have said AlAnon is an organisation analogous to AA for the loved ones of alcoholics - we also have a Family and Friends forum that I encourage you to check out as well
I know you must be worried about your son and your home but I hope both things will resolve themselves.
I'm sure there are good things ahead for you now - welcome to SR!
D
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Somehow, I don't blame you for being so angry, I suppose that if it's been repressed for a long time it can be pretty intense when you allow yourself to feel it fully.
When I feel I've been wronged I think of the words 'living well is the best revenge'. If you contrast your way of living and values against those of your ex partner you will see a huge difference and so will others. I hope your son comes to see this in time. There's no telling with young people, but maybe he will come back to the principles he was raised with.
I think Al-anon sounds like a great idea. I have read many many posts where people say it 'saved my life'.
When I feel I've been wronged I think of the words 'living well is the best revenge'. If you contrast your way of living and values against those of your ex partner you will see a huge difference and so will others. I hope your son comes to see this in time. There's no telling with young people, but maybe he will come back to the principles he was raised with.
I think Al-anon sounds like a great idea. I have read many many posts where people say it 'saved my life'.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
So whats now for you?
Your son is an adult he can take care of himself and I'm sure he will get fed up with your AP eventually. There not the easiest to live with.
Do you ever day dream of what you imagine your life could be like?
What would your world look like if it could?
When I went through a really bad time when my partner left me, I was rattling around in our big stupid house.
I used to drive past a little cottage that was for sale with a navy blue door.
I used to imagine myself in that cosy cottage.
My daughter would be upstairs in her little yellow bedroom.
I would be downstairs in a room with polished dark floors and lots of lovely lamps glowing.
I would imagine very room. The colours they were painted. The furniture.
It gave me some comfort to think about my cottage when I was down, or angry or tearful.
I still think about it today sometimes.
If you like you can borrow my cottage so it gets rid of some of the horrid thoughts your having to feel now.
My best
Your son is an adult he can take care of himself and I'm sure he will get fed up with your AP eventually. There not the easiest to live with.
Do you ever day dream of what you imagine your life could be like?
What would your world look like if it could?
When I went through a really bad time when my partner left me, I was rattling around in our big stupid house.
I used to drive past a little cottage that was for sale with a navy blue door.
I used to imagine myself in that cosy cottage.
My daughter would be upstairs in her little yellow bedroom.
I would be downstairs in a room with polished dark floors and lots of lovely lamps glowing.
I would imagine very room. The colours they were painted. The furniture.
It gave me some comfort to think about my cottage when I was down, or angry or tearful.
I still think about it today sometimes.
If you like you can borrow my cottage so it gets rid of some of the horrid thoughts your having to feel now.
My best
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