Seiceps

Hi All,

Well here's one way to stop drinking that I found to be very effective: end up in hospital, they don't serve it there.

any of you that have read my previous posts will know this year has been a but of a killer for me so far. Usual rubbish, man troubles. My problem was my man went off with one of my oldest friends and although he moved out after a few months of two timing he kept coming back and seeing me. long story short it was just months of drama and heartache. I valiantly tried to solve all the problems by drinking and smoking as much as possible, still wondering why that didn't actually work......?
then I got given notice to leave my rental house, not very good things were piling up behind me and the wine and the bourbon and the fags were starting to crumble under the weight. Something had to break, it was either going to be my mind or my body. I was having regular 3/4 day binges where I didn't eat at all, just drank and weeped and talked and talked on the phone to my sympathetic but helpless friends, all the while my 12 yr old girls looking at me with anger and pity and confusion.
So, it was the body that broke. Thank god really, being in hospital sux but I'm pretty sure waking up on the psych ward is way worse.

A very mild urinary tract infection that id only noticed for 2 days suddenly turned into a full on kidney infection ( pyelonephritis - I believe its called) and after 24 hours shivering and vomiting in bed I was rushed to hospital and put in intensive care!
I spent 7 days in hospital, one of which was my 38th birthday.
Anyone that's had this before will know how painful and horrid it is to go through. I know there are far worse things to endure and all that, but this was the first time id ever been in hospitalised bc I was sick. It was a full on experience.
I finally got released ( its like yr getting out of jail!) last weds, had a really good week getting better, then boom all my symptoms came back and Ive been back in here for three more days. I finally got onto it and got my laptop here, and thought id share my version of cold turkey with you!.
So its been 20 days no smoking or drinking. Ive felt pretty shite and totally unable to do either for about 15 of those days. I just thought id use the opportunity of having this abstinence and carrying it on.
Because being totally honest with myself and you all, there is no way I would have gotten this sick had I been a healthy responsible adult. The truth is I had wrung myself out to the maximum physically, emotionally, spiritually. I was completely spent and I had nothing more to give. Seems that drinking and smoking solution I was working so hard on wasn't quite the right tonic for what ailed me.

So Ive got that bit figured out, what I don't know is how to deal with those power waves of grief and anger and sadness that are still swamping me , sometimes so randomly out of no where.
And how do I deal with those feelings when I'm back at home and feeling fine
and not turn to the wine or the cigarette? I know that right now its easy, I cant get it,i don't want it, and it will damage my kidneys further.
Not sure how to carry on at home, because the truth is drinking isn't going to be ok for me in the near future, I need to do everything I can to get my kidneys strong again. Actually that thought does make it easier for me, there being a tangible, medical reason to not drink makes it easier for me to grasp. anyway I'm rambling now. thanks for listening peps, sober me signing off from a hospital bed in New Zealand ......soooooo comfy ....not !!!! xx

Lifebeginsat41

Hope you get better soon - and that you carry your sobriety with you into your real life.

I read a comment on another thread that said something like 'my worst day sober was better than my best day drunk' - hopefully that will connect with you.

Take care.

mecanix

Hi Seiceps ,
Glad your with us , Wow that was a lot to go through for you . Strange how drinking and ciggies dosn't solve emotional stuff ?
For me i found doing relaxing things like painting pictures or playing my guitar were good as they got me out of my thinking for a while . Otherwise my head could be like an old vinyl record with a jump and it just kept playing the same thing over and over .

I then used to reach for something external like alcohol or drugs to change internal feelings .
Learning to live with bad and uncomfortable feelings for a while as well as reading and learning how to deal with up's and down's is how i try to deal with it all sober .

If love is the heads of a coin i think pain might be the tails , nowdays i understand and accept by picking up the coin it could go either way .

For me drink blotted the uncomfortable out , it also smotherd a lot of good . Sobriety can be uncomfortable, having to deal with stuff instead of just ingnoring it, drinking to ingnore it and hoping it will go away.

i think sobriety is worthwhile and for me it feels like i awoke from 1000 years of dulled grey sleep to awaken into a technicolour world of possibility .

Hope you get well soon , M

Seiceps

thanks mecanix, that technicolour world sounds better than that grey one ive been living in. I plan to make success my revenge and be the best person I can be.A thought less scary from this hospital bed than it is from my home and my job and kids yelling at me and ex pestering me. a thought I just had is that there is no strength to be found in booze so im hoping I can find the magic reservoir in me and the key I need to find it is just abstaining. x

least

I'm glad you're sober but sorry you had to endure all that to attain it.

mecanix

Yeh , your right there , imho.

alcohol also made me prone to procrastination, fat, lazy and self indulgent .. these days i don't drink and i'm gonna get round to the other stuff real soon ... (joke)

M

Bensmammy

Hang in there Seiceps -keep us up to date with your progress - we're all in the same boat and rooting for ye

Dee74

I'm really sorry to read what happened but it's good to have you back Seiceps
I hope you can look back at this in years to come as a turning point

D

Seiceps

thanks everyone for your encouragement, always worth its weight in gold as usual.
Lucky for me im a natural optimist ( or I might have given up years ago) and I will use this illness as an opportunity to revamp and move forward. I know its not going to be easy especially when I start to feel good again but im going to try and concentrate on those little kidneys in there that I NEED and give them the good treatment they deserve. They have been working overtime for quite awhile, clearly they are trying to tell me they ar knackered! so im going to listen.. The quitting smoking thing wasn't really planned , I didn't think I could quit them both together, but its been two weeks so I thought bugger it, I may as well get rid of that at the same time. anyway, nurse ratchet is coming with me pills soon, I must sign off ! ( btw the nurses in this hospital should be paid what politicians are, they work like buggery and smile while they do it , incredible people) xx

IWillWin

Seiceps - I had to chuckle at your post...not the illness part but the "solution" of booze and cigs to take care of problems. It's a method I tried (very unsuccessfully) and it is nice to know others have done the same.

I truly believe our bodies are our best allies and worst enemies sometimes - but I've learned to listen to mine. Turns out, it is usually right. Mine told me through worsening hangovers and brain fog that either I stop poisoning it or there would be worse hell to pay. I finally listened and it is thanking me by slimming down and giving me the energy I need to get through each day.

Your body seems to be screaming at you and I am glad you are listening. Best wishes for a speedy recovery!!!

Seiceps

Keeping you up to date !
Finally got out of hospital yesterday , came home weary and my ex is here looking after the kids. He just annoyed the crap out of me and left when I yelled at him. As soon as he's gone I want him back. Blah. Was stressed , tired emotional , couldn't deal with the kids who wre acting up Bc of going from one parent to another and the arguing before he left. Well he just did his usual passive aggressive you have the problem routine and I was too tired for it.
So totally caved in went a bought some wine and cigs. After three weeks off both. Felt like I couldn't take another moment of reality. Knew what I was doing was really stupid. Drinking on my kidney infection. Only sesible thing I did was drink pints of water with the wine. The first cig tasted like a mouth full of chemicals. Next one a bit better. Woke up with a horrid tasting mouth and a lecture to myself on how this form if stress relief is not an option unless I want another week on the acute ward. So no it didn't solve anything. No more tonight or the next or the next. I know it's possible I just did it. Got to get this body back in line so it doesn't scream at me anymore.
Total melacholy filled my day. Just a blanket of sadness , hopelessness and the knowledge I've got to pull through and do it. Just don't have anything left in reserve tank anymore.
And I need reserves to be a mother to these fast growing up opinated 12 yr old girls.
Feel the need to bathe in bath filled with strength and fortitude and love. Do they sell that in a bubble bath ?
Hope you are all keeping well my friends x

Nighthawk8820

All of this over a dude?

quitforme79

Ceps, I'm staying sober with support from the AA fellowship. Are there meetings by you?

Seiceps

nighthawke - that comment got my back up for about thirty seconds..... then I smiled- yeah all this over a dude. excellently put. blunt but true. thankyou.x

Seiceps

quit for me - yes there are, still scared though......