Reduce Not Eliminate
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Stress is my trigger, there is no doubt about that, so I'm putting plans in place to remove it.
ivehadenoughnow,
just to point out that triggers are not causes.
triggers don't "make you drink".
if they did, no-one could stay sober.
ivehadenoughnow,
just to point out that triggers are not causes.
triggers don't "make you drink".
if they did, no-one could stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 559
Originally Posted by ivehadenoughnow 
I think I understand her stress, but I don't I guess I feel like it doesn't have to be that way. Houses get lived in, kids don't listen some times, dishes get dirty, carpet gets spilled on, laundry never stops, that is life. I feel like I've stepped up so much to relieve her stressors, yet it never helps, in fact it is getting worse. Lately she has joined me cause she hurt her foot so I have a "wine buddy." We had a rough patch 2 years ago and we are doing really well now, date twice a week, I adore my children and have a wonderful relationship with them. Her stress is at an all time high and I don't know how to help her any more than I am, and I can't handle it.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
Ahhhh...yes, I know your struggle well. In fact, I was thinking just a few hours ago about how nice it would be to go and have some drinks at the beach. I've learned, by trial and error, that I cannot do that because once I get a buzz I will stop at NOTHING to keep it. I know this about myself now and it helps that I tried before to moderate and failed because I remember my failed experiments when thoughts like these pop up.
As for what to do during the witching hours I vote for exercise. I also found that going to bed super early helped in the beginning to keep me out of the car and off to the store (although prior to committing to abstinence I would think nothing of going to the store in my pajamas!)
I think you are on your way to a plan to live a sober life - and that life can be however you define it. I know for me, I had to chose none because one or two was never, and will never be, enough for me. I wish that wasn't my truth because I do miss aspects of drinking but it is what it is. I'm learning now how to live with that. 10 months without the exhausting task of thinking about drinking and life is pretty good
Best of luck to you!!!!
As for what to do during the witching hours I vote for exercise. I also found that going to bed super early helped in the beginning to keep me out of the car and off to the store (although prior to committing to abstinence I would think nothing of going to the store in my pajamas!)
I think you are on your way to a plan to live a sober life - and that life can be however you define it. I know for me, I had to chose none because one or two was never, and will never be, enough for me. I wish that wasn't my truth because I do miss aspects of drinking but it is what it is. I'm learning now how to live with that. 10 months without the exhausting task of thinking about drinking and life is pretty good
Best of luck to you!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by fini
Stress is my trigger, there is no doubt about that, so I'm putting plans in place to remove it.
ivehadenoughnow,
just to point out that triggers are not causes.
triggers don't "make you drink".
if they did, no-one could stay sober.
ivehadenoughnow,
just to point out that triggers are not causes.
triggers don't "make you drink".
if they did, no-one could stay sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by ippochick
does she know you feel this way?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
things that need to be planned to deal with.
sure.
i joined a secular recovery forum and participated. this kept me engaged in "recovery" daily. turned out to be a good plan. i'm sober.
i read a ton of recovery stories, about how different people had done it/were doing it.
i planned for upcoming social events and what i'd do/say when someone offered me alcohol.
i gauged my deepest honest feelings about whether i felt "safe" to go to any specific social event. i only needed to stay away from a couple of them, very early on.
i spent time coming up with back-up treats/rewards if the "but it's friday night! come ooon!" internal whine were to start. but turns out i didn't need them. i was okay.
i planned to tell a couple of people after a few weeks. and did.
that kind of stuff.
planning to eliminate some triggers...sure. don't drive past liquor stores at first. add a new weekend activity.
sure.
but triggers...they're just triggers. a knee-jerk thing. if you need to be rid of them in your lifei n order not to drink, ...uh...not even a hermit could avoid them.
planning ahead has been important.
i planned FOR sobriety after i decided. after i understood i wanted it and decided to go get it!
sure.
i joined a secular recovery forum and participated. this kept me engaged in "recovery" daily. turned out to be a good plan. i'm sober.
i read a ton of recovery stories, about how different people had done it/were doing it.
i planned for upcoming social events and what i'd do/say when someone offered me alcohol.
i gauged my deepest honest feelings about whether i felt "safe" to go to any specific social event. i only needed to stay away from a couple of them, very early on.
i spent time coming up with back-up treats/rewards if the "but it's friday night! come ooon!" internal whine were to start. but turns out i didn't need them. i was okay.
i planned to tell a couple of people after a few weeks. and did.
that kind of stuff.
planning to eliminate some triggers...sure. don't drive past liquor stores at first. add a new weekend activity.
sure.
but triggers...they're just triggers. a knee-jerk thing. if you need to be rid of them in your lifei n order not to drink, ...uh...not even a hermit could avoid them.
planning ahead has been important.
i planned FOR sobriety after i decided. after i understood i wanted it and decided to go get it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by tootsl1
I wasted a decade trying to drink in moderation. I know I can't. As for using is to de stress, please do not think this is a personal attack, and forgive me if I am way off base, but a couple of times you have mentioned coming home to a stressed wife, does she join you in the wine? If not how does she de stress. Do you share your issues? I feel that from what you are saying, you like to be in control, and because of this, believe you ought to be able to control your drinking. Fine if you are not addicted, not really possible long term if you are. But what is your home life like? Does your wife support you? Do you understand her stress? Do you spend value time together? Do you connect with the kids when you get home? Perhaps your stress relievers are already around you, you are just seeing them as stress providers instead?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 241
Hi ivehadenoughnow! I agree with others that stress is in our bio-toolkit, but when we have trouble turning it off (which I do), then it leads to anxiety, depression. It spins faster and faster. What if you tried something different for 1 week? There are all kinds of breathing exercises and meditations out there that are very accessible, so much so that even a cromag like me can get something out of them on the first go. It could very well be that this is not the thing for you, but why not try it? It's good to push back on our primitive brains when they start to bully our higher brains. Also, a good therapist can do wonders.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Just joining this conversation:
The evening time can be very hectic. I am a mother of two and I would usually start drinking wine as soon as I got the kids home from school in the late afternoon. More recently, however, I'd start drinking beers sometime around 9 am, shower and drink coffee to "sober up" to pick the kids up from school and then head back to the wine while I make dinner and then drink until I pass out. My drinking got significantly worse once I started grad school and felt more stress. Anyway...about you...
What can you do to make your evening times more relaxing? Can you hire a mother's helper to come and help with the kids in the evenings? Perhaps the whole family can go out to a restaurant for dinner once a week? Perhaps helpful and entertaining friends could come by for dinner?
My husband is WAY stressed from work, too, and I get that it's a major drag to be around. Have you discussed with your wife?
The evening time can be very hectic. I am a mother of two and I would usually start drinking wine as soon as I got the kids home from school in the late afternoon. More recently, however, I'd start drinking beers sometime around 9 am, shower and drink coffee to "sober up" to pick the kids up from school and then head back to the wine while I make dinner and then drink until I pass out. My drinking got significantly worse once I started grad school and felt more stress. Anyway...about you...
What can you do to make your evening times more relaxing? Can you hire a mother's helper to come and help with the kids in the evenings? Perhaps the whole family can go out to a restaurant for dinner once a week? Perhaps helpful and entertaining friends could come by for dinner?
My husband is WAY stressed from work, too, and I get that it's a major drag to be around. Have you discussed with your wife?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Hi again I'vehadenough.
My 2 cents.
I was one of the ones who believed for a long time that if I removed those underlying reasons why I drank, then my problem would be solved.
But I drank for 20 years - some of the reasons I started drinking in my twenties weren't even applicable at 40...but still I drank, because in the intervening years, I'd become an alcoholic.
Also, as the years went on, I had more and more reasons to drink, a list growing all the time, and 'reasons for drinking' I would never get rid of - stress, anger, to fit in socially, pain management, sleeping, boredom, creative inspiration etc etc...
To me drinking a little less alcohol is like drinking a little less poison - technically it may be better for you but you're still poisoning yourself.
Alcohol changed the way I thought and skewed my view of the world. It was so incremental it took me over three months of sobriety to realise that.
If you ultimately decide this, I wish you well I'vehadenough, but even just a little alcohol keeps me changed, keeps me less than who I want to be.
D
My 2 cents.
I was one of the ones who believed for a long time that if I removed those underlying reasons why I drank, then my problem would be solved.
But I drank for 20 years - some of the reasons I started drinking in my twenties weren't even applicable at 40...but still I drank, because in the intervening years, I'd become an alcoholic.
Also, as the years went on, I had more and more reasons to drink, a list growing all the time, and 'reasons for drinking' I would never get rid of - stress, anger, to fit in socially, pain management, sleeping, boredom, creative inspiration etc etc...
To me drinking a little less alcohol is like drinking a little less poison - technically it may be better for you but you're still poisoning yourself.
Alcohol changed the way I thought and skewed my view of the world. It was so incremental it took me over three months of sobriety to realise that.
If you ultimately decide this, I wish you well I'vehadenough, but even just a little alcohol keeps me changed, keeps me less than who I want to be.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by WhiteFeathers
Just joining this conversation:
The evening time can be very hectic. I am a mother of two and I would usually start drinking wine as soon as I got the kids home from school in the late afternoon. More recently, however, I'd start drinking beers sometime around 9 am, shower and drink coffee to "sober up" to pick the kids up from school and then head back to the wine while I make dinner and then drink until I pass out. My drinking got significantly worse once I started grad school and felt more stress. Anyway...about you...
What can you do to make your evening times more relaxing? Can you hire a mother's helper to come and help with the kids in the evenings? Perhaps the whole family can go out to a restaurant for dinner once a week? Perhaps helpful and entertaining friends could come by for dinner?
My husband is WAY stressed from work, too, and I get that it's a major drag to be around. Have you discussed with your wife?
The evening time can be very hectic. I am a mother of two and I would usually start drinking wine as soon as I got the kids home from school in the late afternoon. More recently, however, I'd start drinking beers sometime around 9 am, shower and drink coffee to "sober up" to pick the kids up from school and then head back to the wine while I make dinner and then drink until I pass out. My drinking got significantly worse once I started grad school and felt more stress. Anyway...about you...
What can you do to make your evening times more relaxing? Can you hire a mother's helper to come and help with the kids in the evenings? Perhaps the whole family can go out to a restaurant for dinner once a week? Perhaps helpful and entertaining friends could come by for dinner?
My husband is WAY stressed from work, too, and I get that it's a major drag to be around. Have you discussed with your wife?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi again I'vehadenough.
My 2 cents.
I was one of the ones who believed for a long time that if I removed those underlying reasons why I drank, then my problem would be solved.
But I drank for 20 years - some of the reasons I started drinking in my twenties weren't even applicable at 40...but still I drank, because in the intervening years, I'd become an alcoholic.
Also, as the years went on, I had more and more reasons to drink, a list growing all the time, and 'reasons for drinking' I would never get rid of - stress, anger, to fit in socially, pain management, sleeping, boredom, creative inspiration etc etc...
To me drinking a little less alcohol is like drinking a little less poison - technically it may be better for you but you're still poisoning yourself.
Alcohol changed the way I thought and skewed my view of the world. It was so incremental it took me over three months of sobriety to realise that.
If you ultimately decide this, I wish you well I'vehadenough, but even just a little alcohol keeps me changed, keeps me less than who I want to be.
D
My 2 cents.
I was one of the ones who believed for a long time that if I removed those underlying reasons why I drank, then my problem would be solved.
But I drank for 20 years - some of the reasons I started drinking in my twenties weren't even applicable at 40...but still I drank, because in the intervening years, I'd become an alcoholic.
Also, as the years went on, I had more and more reasons to drink, a list growing all the time, and 'reasons for drinking' I would never get rid of - stress, anger, to fit in socially, pain management, sleeping, boredom, creative inspiration etc etc...
To me drinking a little less alcohol is like drinking a little less poison - technically it may be better for you but you're still poisoning yourself.
Alcohol changed the way I thought and skewed my view of the world. It was so incremental it took me over three months of sobriety to realise that.
If you ultimately decide this, I wish you well I'vehadenough, but even just a little alcohol keeps me changed, keeps me less than who I want to be.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by cascademn
Hi ivehadenoughnow! I agree with others that stress is in our bio-toolkit, but when we have trouble turning it off (which I do), then it leads to anxiety, depression. It spins faster and faster. What if you tried something different for 1 week? There are all kinds of breathing exercises and meditations out there that are very accessible, so much so that even a cromag like me can get something out of them on the first go. It could very well be that this is not the thing for you, but why not try it? It's good to push back on our primitive brains when they start to bully our higher brains. Also, a good therapist can do wonders.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by ivehadenoughnow
Yes, it is a drag to be around, and for whatever reason I am weak and let it bring me down with her. I do a lot of things to relax, running, crossfit, cooking, baths, candy crush(yeah I know, I know, lol). My wife is burnt by end of day so she has one goal which is to sit on the couch and vegetate with one reality show after another with her laptop. We do get out Friday nights almost always for dinner and a movie. All of our friends drink, doubt the friends over is a good plan. I really do want to change that window of time for me, because I've never been a morning, noon, and night drinker. Wine goes with TV so I want to avoid the recliner at all costs. In fact I should get rid of it all together.
For me, I'm making sobriety my main priority so that I'll be clearheaded enough to make decisions about what I want to do with my (deeply) unsatisfying marriage. But one thing is for sure, wine wasn't helping.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by WhiteFeathers
Could counseling work for you? My husband and I have the same discord (probably most couples do, on some level). He comes home and flops on the couch, turns on the TV, pours himself one cocktail after another and literally screams at me if I ask him to help with the evening routine. It's lonely when you feel like you have a partner who is simply not cooperating enough or giving you what you need. That's how I feel, anyway. Wine became my companion during these times.
For me, I'm making sobriety my main priority so that I'll be clearheaded enough to make decisions about what I want to do with my (deeply) unsatisfying marriage. But one thing is for sure, wine wasn't helping.
For me, I'm making sobriety my main priority so that I'll be clearheaded enough to make decisions about what I want to do with my (deeply) unsatisfying marriage. But one thing is for sure, wine wasn't helping.
. I just told her I wanted to change our nightly pattern. If she would workout with me in the garage each night we'd be set.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 123
Sign Up For A Race
Maybe I need to sign up for a race. Whenever I'm training I get much more serious about being prepared for a long run the next day. I don't have anything scheduled until next May but that is too long.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Originally Posted by ivehadenoughnow
If you've seen the progression of the posts you'll see that I'm quite open to sobriety. In fact I should change the title. There is nothing good about alcohol, I wish I never met it.
I felt like you did once...I decided to keep the post up and share my experience for others who may be reading and who may feel like you did when you started this thread.
D
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
Originally Posted by lessgravity
There will come a time when the only option for you is to cold-a** quit or continue down the road of alcoholism. I only say this b/c you sound exactly like me, almost verbatim.
I also spent a lot of time in the gym getting very fit (very into weight lifting), started my own very successful business, have two young kids and a spouse. I'm what I think is coined a high functioning alcoholic.
But I'm still an alcoholic. And it got worse the past two years as my stress levels hit a new high. It got to where I can't stop even though I want to. I never hit skid row, got divorced, lost my kids, got a DUI, landed in jail, wrecked my car, lost my job - none of that. But only because I'm lucky and just never got caught. I've learned that I just can't drink at all - rules just don't work for me.
My marriage is far from stellar - my husband and I were separated for a while - but I'm working on me now and I can't let my relationships drive me to drink. I have started AA because my way of quitting has never worked for me.
Good luck with whatever you decide. We're always here to talk. =)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
I think that marriage, when things are not "in sync", can be a very stressful situation and a huge trigger for many.
My marriage is at a turning point. It has been for a while but I was busy being drunk so I could ignore the issues (among many other things). I've taken sage advice from long time sober folks to not make any life altering decisions in the first year and I'm closing in on that deadline. I feel strong and confident in my sobriety but certainly not looking forward to honestly dealing with the Grand Canyon of distance that has been in my marriage for years.
It is going to be a challenge, but one I will face sober. I feel like my husband, and me, deserve to see this through to whatever resolve with me fully present and accounted for not drunk and stupid. Your marriage challenges will be much easier to solve without the fog of alcohol to cloud your judgement.
Best of luck to you on all fronts...your honesty is appreciated and thanks for sharing.
My marriage is at a turning point. It has been for a while but I was busy being drunk so I could ignore the issues (among many other things). I've taken sage advice from long time sober folks to not make any life altering decisions in the first year and I'm closing in on that deadline. I feel strong and confident in my sobriety but certainly not looking forward to honestly dealing with the Grand Canyon of distance that has been in my marriage for years.
It is going to be a challenge, but one I will face sober. I feel like my husband, and me, deserve to see this through to whatever resolve with me fully present and accounted for not drunk and stupid. Your marriage challenges will be much easier to solve without the fog of alcohol to cloud your judgement.
Best of luck to you on all fronts...your honesty is appreciated and thanks for sharing.
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