I'm desperate to get back my old life, but the withdrawal symptoms make it HELL!
 

Oh god, where to begin? Until a couple years ago I smoked a little marijuana and drank with friends occasionally. I loved my family, friends, and my job... Then I started taking Tramadol, prescribed by my doctor, for the advanced arthritis in my knees. Tramadol didn't help much and a friend offered me Norcos, they worked much better and got me high. I got addicted to the high quickly but noticed the effect stopped after a couple months of using them. They still helped with my pain though so I kept taking them. Well, next thing I know the same friend turned me on to 100mg morphine pills and 60mg oxy pills. They made the pain go away completely, got me high as a kite, and allowed me to sleep better then I had in YEARS. I've been using the morphine and oxy on a daily basis for the last year, with a few attempts at quitting here and there, but the withdrawal symptoms would always bring me back. As I sit here typing this now, I've been trying and failing miserably to quit for the last month. I keep quitting for two or three days, the withdrawals get so bad, I end up using again. My most recent attempt started this past Sunday... I only made it till Tuesday, and I felt so horrible I called my suppliers up. No one had anything, and the withdrawals were getting worse and worse, so I called my friend that got me started on all of this. He no longer used pills and informed me he was mainlining heroin now. He said if I took a little snort of some it would make me feel much better, I felt so sick, I agreed to try it. We met up, he crushed up a small line for me, and I snorted it. I got a quick rush and felt the withdrawal go away quickly. I was relieved. I NOW KNOW THAT I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE THOUGH. Within a couple hours I noticed that I had an upper kind of buzz, I suspect whatever the heroin was cut with had that effect. I could not sleep however, not at all, as morning crept closer I felt sicker then ever before. I knew the cause was a mix of withdrawals and that damn heroin (which I will never use again). Anyway, by yesterday afternoon I was considering going to the hospital. It was hard to breath, my chest felt tight, hot and cold flashes, insomnia, nausea, headache, and I felt severely depressed. I decided to take a shower, get dressed, and go to the hospital. As soon as I got out of the shower, my Morphine supplier had texted me, asking if I wanted any. I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE SAID NO, I KNEW I WANTED TO SAY NO, but.. I drove there instead of the hospital. Shortly after taking the morphine, almost all of the physical problems had gone away. I only bought enough to make myself feel better yesterday. I WANT TO QUIT SO BAD, but... I know the struggle will just begin again tomorrow. I might make it through the weekend, I might not. I need help. A lack of money and insurance keeps me from seeking out professional help though. And I don't want opioid abuse going on my official medical records either. I want my family back though, and my friends. I'm sorry this was so long, I felt like I needed to tell the whole story though. Any advice?

Hi BurningCold - welcome

I have no experience with any of the drugs you mention, but I do know no matter what the drug withdrawal is always going to be tough.

Maybe, if the pain is too hard to bear, you're going to have to compromise here, and see a Dr - get some advice?

Seeing a Dr has got to be better than seeing your dealer, yeah?

D

I saw a doctor about some of the symptoms... I told him I had been feeling depressed/anxious since going on disability because of my knees and that I had been unable to sleep. He prescribed me some xanex, which helped a little, but I felt was just as if not more addicting then what I am already using. So I stopped taking it before I did become addicted to a third pill. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost.

I'm so sorry you are struggling. ..addiction sucks! It sounds like seeing a Dr would be your best bet here so you can get medical help coming off the drugs...It can be very dangerous to quit cold turkey. My little bit of advice would be though...be honest with your doctor about what/how much you are using. If you tell the whole story getting the right kind of help will be available. Being depressed and anxious doesn't make Dr's that concerned anymore. But if you say you ran out of drugs and your withdrawals were so bad that you resorted to snorting heroin...they may act a little faster to help you. In my experience, no Dr that knows you are an addict would give out scripts for xanax...that is some addictive stuff...been there on that.

You are in my prayers tonight ...hugs :)

You are not alone - EVER. Withdrawals have kept me sober since April. Hang in there and go to your Doctor to get a detox plan in place.

You can do it! Keep posting.

Your doctor cant' help you get thru w/d? I'd tell him you want to get clean and ask his help in achieving that. Is inpatient treatment an option? Maybe just a detox facility? I'd look for a detox place in your area and see if you can't be admitted so you can get detoxed.

After you're detoxed you'll have to make some changes in your life so you don't end up like this again. :hug:


Detox Centers in South Bend Indiana | Sober Solutions

Morphine and oxys are extremely powerful, addicting chemicals BurningCold. You are just gonna have to suffer through the withdrawals. It won't last forever, you can do it. You can have your old live back. Rooting for ya. :egypt:

You guys are inspirational at a time when I really need it. Its only been 24 hours since I last took the morphine to help me recover from that awful heroin experience. I can feel the depression and nausea coming on, but I'm trying to fight it. I was able to get some sleep today, and I still feel awful. Usually its the insomnia that brings me back, so I'm just praying I can continue to get a few hours of sleep here and there.

Are you attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings there in S.B. ??

Look them up in the phone book and give them a call. They have been where you are and know the way out.

You don't have to do this alone... I couldn't do it alone.

All the best.

Bob R

I haven't Bob, and I do feel like I'm in it alone. With the exception of the people that supply me with the pills, no one knows about my problem. I'm ashamed of it. =/

I have so been there. Did pills and heroin for 2 years and kicked a couple times... It is HELL. I would never discourage you from seeing a doctor but as far as not wanting that stuff on the record I just want to say I totally understand and your fears are valid. My father got addicted to oxy and as soon as his doctor found out he was unable to get anything for pain which was bad when he needed it due to cancer / chemo years later... That said, you can find a good specialist who will keep your information confidential and that may indeed be the way to go if cold turkey is killing you. Go online and look up "howtoquitheroin.com" - I know you are not addicted to heroin, but its the same with all of the heavy opiates as far as detoxing. That website is ran by a fantastic guy named Jorge who battled his own opiate addiction and won. He gives step by step directions for detox and daily support. He lists various methods to try (because you can taper sometimes, or use lesser evils if cold turkey is just not working) and he will read and respond to your e-mails. He is so helpful and such a good guy. Also look up "Thomas Method" and see about taking certain supplements to help with this. I did and it saved my ass. Any way you do it will be HARD WORK. But you CAN do it. I had a $150 a day habit! I was in real trouble and I had to get off those drugs or I was going to end up in prison or dead. That's what happens. Take it seriously. Get mad at this addiction and the drugs! They are evil! Get mad enough to demand your life back! I hated being a slave to substances. Every single freaking day I was out there selling my soul for that s**t only to have it slowly kill me and ruin my whole life. Awful. I also have some legit pain issues so I know you were just trying to feel better but there are ways to treat these ailments without the pills. You have to be willing to walk through hell, to the other side, I promise there is an exit door. I am nothing if not ordinary so when I say you can do this please believe me. My motivation wavered and still does at times but I'm so glad I am not knocking on my dealers door right now handing him another $100 and looking in the rear-view for cops all day. I'm not nodding out at work, waking up in cold sweats, throwing up my meals or lying to my family and friends about EVERYTHING. I'm not behind bars. That's because I quit. You can too. Good luck my friend stay strong.

Oh one last thing - I also go to meetings and they do help, especially in the beginning because you need to know you have support and you will benefit from having sober friends who have been where you are! Its worth a shot anyway. For me it was meetings, online forums, therapy and a good group of sober friends. No one has to do this all alone. We will be here for you.

Thank you so much for your words BabyJ, and the advice. I've been reading the online forums and trying to soak in the advice, the distraction alone helps, but my thoughts keep turning to the need for relief. I haven't given in, I forced myself out of the house a few hours ago... Went shopping for some fresh fruits and veg, got some bottled water, and a daily vitamin. Came home and forced myself to eat something. Talking on here, the food, and the activity helped to suppress the withdrawal symptoms some. I am pretty sure I can make it through today, but I have a strong suspicion that I wont be able to sleep tonight. I will have to take it one day at a time and fight this battle the best I can. And know that I do HATE these drugs and what they have done to me, but I'm not sure I can beat them. After a solid month of trying and continuing to fail... It just seems hopeless at times. I think the two hardest things for me to fight off are the depression and insomnia. They are two things I had never experienced before getting addicted to these drugs. They are my hell.

On a side note, another thing that nags at me, is I have severely sweaty palms... Something I only experience while withdrawing badly. It is like a non-stop constant reminder of whats going on. I know that sounds so stupid, but its true none the less.

Well, the physical withdrawal symptoms have decreased. Im not having hot and cold flashes or the extreme nausea. However, I did have a case of restless legs that completely kept me from getting any sleep last night. Im giving up on trying to lay in bed, its just making the anxiety and depression worse, laying there and thinking about not being able to sleep. Going to try and do a few activities today to keep my mind busy and off the thoughts of my self imposed misery. Hoping I can exhaust myself enough to sleep, because I think sleep is going to be my only relief from the depression, anxiety, and pain in my knees.

I'm glad you're getting through this. :)

Today has been a tough one, I feel so tired, but I just can't fall asleep. I keep getting short bursts of hot/cold flashes and anxiety, my whole body feels soar. I'd give my left nut for a few hours of solid sleep. =/

Sleep! Though my poison is booze I know how you feel....like you would quit everything forever if you could just get eight solid hours zonked out sleep.

May sound weird, but I found a replacement. Tea.mi have a bunch of good teas. I find I am having four to five a day, and using vitamins and supplements.
Good luck and stay strong

I'm determined this time. Sleep still eludes me, but I'm not giving in. I've found this forum to be of tremendous help. I suppose when the time comes to sleep, it'll just happen. Thinking about it only makes things worse. I'm trying very hard to keep myself occupied with movies, this forum, and family. It's been hard to eat too. But, I'm taking a daily vitamin and eating at least one solid meal a day. This is day 3. Almost on 4. I'm hopeful.

When I was at your point in withdrawl (also from oxy's), hot baths were a lifesaver. Have you tried that?