Why is something I hate so bad so hard to stop?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 54
Why is something I hate so bad so hard to stop?
Opiates and benzos. I stayed off of them for 8 years, then relapsed 3 years ago when a girl destroyed my life.
The opiates make me happy and the benzos put me to bed at night. The benzos have been on and off but here lately they are more so on. I work crazy times and can't get on a normal sleep schedule plus I've always had trouble sleeping.
Back in April, I quit for 6 days, then I went to talk to a friend and his girlfriend came home and just pulled them out in front of me and got blasted. That destroyed me and all of the pride I had for my 6 days.
The only way I can quit is when I'm broke. I'm tired of being broke.
There isn't anything in it for me anymore. Even if I had a thousand of them, it would only get me to normal.
It sickens me to no end when I use, I don't even enjoy it. But it shuts up the demons in my head that keep saying "you're bored, you're sick, you won't enjoy that, you might've liked it while you were high, but you won't like it now..."
I know I can make it 6 days because I just did it 2 months ago. But here are the things that I fear and the things that make me weak.
1. Not being able to find pleasure in anything.
2. Not being able to sleep.
3. Boredom (see #1).
When I look around the world all I see is the bad. The monotony. The cycle of life. No purpose in anything I do.
I'm not giving up, I just have no purpose, no direction, and no incentive.
The opiates make me happy and the benzos put me to bed at night. The benzos have been on and off but here lately they are more so on. I work crazy times and can't get on a normal sleep schedule plus I've always had trouble sleeping.
Back in April, I quit for 6 days, then I went to talk to a friend and his girlfriend came home and just pulled them out in front of me and got blasted. That destroyed me and all of the pride I had for my 6 days.
The only way I can quit is when I'm broke. I'm tired of being broke.
There isn't anything in it for me anymore. Even if I had a thousand of them, it would only get me to normal.
It sickens me to no end when I use, I don't even enjoy it. But it shuts up the demons in my head that keep saying "you're bored, you're sick, you won't enjoy that, you might've liked it while you were high, but you won't like it now..."
I know I can make it 6 days because I just did it 2 months ago. But here are the things that I fear and the things that make me weak.
1. Not being able to find pleasure in anything.
2. Not being able to sleep.
3. Boredom (see #1).
When I look around the world all I see is the bad. The monotony. The cycle of life. No purpose in anything I do.
I'm not giving up, I just have no purpose, no direction, and no incentive.
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hey there eastboundndown.
Sorry to hear you are low. It's such a trap isn't it - it's hard to make that adjustment to sobriety. But how were your 8 years compared with the last 3? Can you remember the time after you got past the first difficult days and weeks?
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
God bless +
Michael
Sorry to hear you are low. It's such a trap isn't it - it's hard to make that adjustment to sobriety. But how were your 8 years compared with the last 3? Can you remember the time after you got past the first difficult days and weeks?
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
God bless +
Michael
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
Hi East,
I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. You said you stopped for 8 years once, that's a great accomplishment, so you know you CAN do it.
I think it might take longer than 6 days to restore your ability to find pleasure in things and sleep well......but very worth it
I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. You said you stopped for 8 years once, that's a great accomplishment, so you know you CAN do it.
I think it might take longer than 6 days to restore your ability to find pleasure in things and sleep well......but very worth it
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 821
When I look around the world all I see is the bad. The monotony. The cycle of life. No purpose in anything I do.
That was me when I was on benzos. Once I broke free of them, which was no easy task...btw... I realized the benzos had been running the show for a long time. Those feelings left and after a while I felt emotions again.
That was me when I was on benzos. Once I broke free of them, which was no easy task...btw... I realized the benzos had been running the show for a long time. Those feelings left and after a while I felt emotions again.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
bigsombrero posted this article awhile back. I think it explains the "addict's dilemma" you are experiencing quite well.
The Addict's Dilemna
The Addict's Dilemna
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There's some great advice here east.
My drugs were different but the situation was the same - I was styuck in a cycle of needing stuff to basically function.
To break that cycle, I had to make a lot of changes. Big Changes.
I changed my life, my friends everything.
I'm not saying thats what you need to do, but I am saying you need to work out what you're prepared to do to change - and do it.
If you want change make change.
Things will not be fun - and they will continue not to be fun, not for days, but for a month or three - but things aren't fun now, judging by your post?.
You know what using gets you. Time for something different?
What have you got to lose?
D
My drugs were different but the situation was the same - I was styuck in a cycle of needing stuff to basically function.
To break that cycle, I had to make a lot of changes. Big Changes.
I changed my life, my friends everything.
I'm not saying thats what you need to do, but I am saying you need to work out what you're prepared to do to change - and do it.
If you want change make change.
Things will not be fun - and they will continue not to be fun, not for days, but for a month or three - but things aren't fun now, judging by your post?.
You know what using gets you. Time for something different?
What have you got to lose?
D
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 54
The addicts dilemma described me perfectly and I thank you for the insight it provided.
When I got clean 8 years ago it wasn't long before I started working 60 hours a week and then went back to school full time and working part time after that. I had friends galore, no time to waste, no boredom, and I always had something to do and someone to do it with. But after reading that article, I realize that the reason that I don't have any of those things now (except for a great job) is that my priority is my addiction. Before I will do almost anything, there has to be a drug involved...Before I begin the journey and during the journey. I put that paramount above everything....therefore it is all that I have.
I can handle the physical agony. It's the psychological that I can't handle.
When I quit 8 years ago, I immersed myself in taking care of my health. I was religiously at the gym and the food I ate was so healthy most dogs wouldn't eat it. That is what I've always attributed my sobriety to back then. That is where I want to get to now, I just wish I could wake up in the morning and go to the gym but I'd rather sit at home in isolation, my only contact with the outside world is with a drug dealer with no teeth and waste my money on something that makes me feel normal. I'm getting so pissed off at myself right now typing this, so I'm going to shush myself.
When I got clean 8 years ago it wasn't long before I started working 60 hours a week and then went back to school full time and working part time after that. I had friends galore, no time to waste, no boredom, and I always had something to do and someone to do it with. But after reading that article, I realize that the reason that I don't have any of those things now (except for a great job) is that my priority is my addiction. Before I will do almost anything, there has to be a drug involved...Before I begin the journey and during the journey. I put that paramount above everything....therefore it is all that I have.
I can handle the physical agony. It's the psychological that I can't handle.
When I quit 8 years ago, I immersed myself in taking care of my health. I was religiously at the gym and the food I ate was so healthy most dogs wouldn't eat it. That is what I've always attributed my sobriety to back then. That is where I want to get to now, I just wish I could wake up in the morning and go to the gym but I'd rather sit at home in isolation, my only contact with the outside world is with a drug dealer with no teeth and waste my money on something that makes me feel normal. I'm getting so pissed off at myself right now typing this, so I'm going to shush myself.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Originally Posted by CharlieNoogan 
bigsombrero posted this article awhile back. I think it explains the "addict's dilemma" you are experiencing quite well.
The Addict's Dilemna
The Addict's Dilemna
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 54
Well when I ask myself how I feel about quitting...it makes me smile and my answer is "liberating".
I can't tell you how sick I am of "the game". Driving here and there, ATM, get to 'normal' then hate myself and feel guilty for the rest of the night. Then repeat the next day. Sometimes the only reason I get out of bed is because I have some left from the night before.
I can't tell you how sick I am of "the game". Driving here and there, ATM, get to 'normal' then hate myself and feel guilty for the rest of the night. Then repeat the next day. Sometimes the only reason I get out of bed is because I have some left from the night before.
Breaking Thru
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: SW Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,219
Have you ever seen the test they do with mice . One vial filled with cocaine , one vial filled with a life sustaining substance ( ie. Water, food ) connected to pedals. That darn mouse taps the cocaine pedal till death , completely ignoring food and water. Sound familiar
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England USA
Posts: 198
Originally Posted by trikyriky
Have you ever seen the test they do with mice . One vial filled with cocaine , one vial filled with a life sustaining substance ( ie. Water, food ) connected to pedals. That darn mouse taps the cocaine pedal till death , completely ignoring food and water. Sound familiar
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