I tried.
 

I guess it could just be the week (month?) I'm having lately but I don't think I'm going to stay sober after my year is up. I promised myself I would do a year. I have 7 months. I've changed a lot of things about my life; I've put tremendous effort into this. But I still feel totally awful. I'm just sad. Everyone said things would change. Things did change but I don't think I did. I'm still a totally useless, pathetic depressed person more often than not. You want to know what I did today? Nothing. I hid in my room reading. Because when I leave my house I want to freak. I came on SR and wrote something about how I was obsessing over drugs and everyone ignored it. Probably because it was a stupid thing to say, but it just reinforced how alone I am. I haven't gotten better I just lost the only things I had to cope with my lame life and those were drugs and alcohol. I don't know what I will do after my son is born but I don't think it's going to be good. I am still committed to my year, at which time he will be here. Thank God his father is not a useless junkie like me!!! I think of running away to South America, where I lived growing up, and doing drugs until I die. Sorry this post got really dark. I don't even know what's wrong with me. It's so so hard you guys why is it this hard???

Ok I'm done.

Well, you're 7 months ahead of me (I'm on day 4. Again.. )

So I don't have any wisdom to share except that you are worth it. We all are.

Hang in there.

I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it, but seven months sober is fantastic.

Have you been screened for depression by a qualified medical or mental health professional?

Hi BabyJane, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling that way. I can certainly relate to the staying in, and freaking out when going out and about. I've been battling that for about 4 years. Do you have any other support, or groups that you attend? Have you thought of possibly seeing a doctor about how you're feeling? Drinking again will only makes things worse. Things can get better, they really can.

Others will know more about this than me but you're pregnant Jane - your hormones are crazy and it's entirely possible that's whats got you so down.

Have you got a Dr you're in regular contact with? Could you discuss the way you're feeling with them?

D

What does your sponsor say?

If you have a son on the way then you're definitely not alone. And you have 7 months sober that is quite an accomplishment. You said you don't think you've changed. Well, what do you think you could do to change that? And when you go out you feel like you're going to freak? I'm in that same boat too. I get horrible anxiety just leaving the house ever since being sober. But I'm seeing a Dr., and getting help. Maybe that's what you need to? There's always going to be hard times. Just know that if you start using again you'll most certainly feel worse about your self and everything else. I don't have a lot of help to offer because I am in a similar situation, but without that much clean time, and without a kid on the way. I don't have anybody either, besides my mom. Everybody I know are dealers or using buddies. I had to change my phone # just to be able to ignore them all. Good luck to ya, and I hope you start thinking positive. Try to get out and do things. It will make you feel a lot better. we have to do things that we might not necessarily want to do in order to better ourselves. It's a struggle. But there's always rewards.

BabyJane, you must stop with the self-pity. You're not alone, you have people here. I doubt your post was ignored. I'm sure it didn't receive a response because the Substance Abuse subforum receives less traffic. If you had posted here, I'm sure many people would have responded. And it wasn't a stupid thing to say, but you already know that.


Yes, you are better, you're not an active heroin junkie. And you're not going to run away to South America and do drugs until you die.

Have you tried NA? Have you seen a Dr. or a therapist about your emotions and feelings? Do you have any friends or family nearby? What about your baby's father? Are you working?

The point is, there are steps you probably have not taken that you really should take. Do it for yourself and do it for your child. You can get to the place you want to be, so it's time to reach down and tap your inner strength.

Thanks you for the replies. I know how dangerous self-pity can be... I hate to sound like this. It feels dark lately. I agree that hormones are in play here but that's a long way from being over. We (my doctor, therapist, psychiatrist) are dealing with it but its complicated? Some days are ok. Most days are kind of hard. I'm tired. I know its not easy all the time; but should it be this difficult? It wasn't last time I got sober... I don't know. The answers will come if I hold on, I hope.

I had a lifetime of those thoughts - with a little hard work and patience, I changed.
If I can do it, anyone can Jane :)

D

Hi Babyjane, I'm grateful for your post because I feel similar a lot of the time. 11 months clean and me and my life hasn't changed the way I was hoping or expecting it would.

I know you feel like crap, but if you try I bet you can see some changes. Getting clean and staying clean for your son is huge. Getting honest and posting on SR is significant too.

It is hard being clean and miserable. It doesn't seem fair. But if you stay clean and maybe follow some of the suggestions on this site, and trudge on through for a little while, there is a chance things will get better.

Do a gratitude list everyday. Even if you have only a few things on your list it is something. There is always something to be grateful for.

I'm glad you're working on this with your doctors. Pregnancy and post partum hormones can really wreak havoc on our emotions. Keep hanging on:)

Sounds exactly like the internal spiritual malady (ISM) of untreated alcoholism. The only fix I know of for that is a spiritual awakening, which can be found through AA or NA, by working the steps.

If it is the ISM, it will have to be fixed before you can get well.

Hi BabyJane, I responded to your post in the Substance Abuse forum. And like everyone said, that forum is slower, I've had times where I felt exactly like you did and then the replies started coming in. I don't know why it's that way sometimes when we are feeling the most vulnerable it takes longer to get responses. Ugh. The Universe's twisted sense of humor or something!

Do does your doctor, therapist, psychiatrist say about attending 12 Step meetings ??

All the best.

Bob R

BabyJane, hang in there, you may feel completely differently in 2 months. Everyone says having a child is a life changing experience and the vast majority are thrilled and excited when the baby arrives. I have heard over and over again that the child gives a parents' life purpose where they didn't know where they were headed prior to that.

I'm jealous. I've been sober for 11 months and I don't get a cute little baby as a reward!

I think many of us expected "big" changes at the beginning and as you get further into it all you realize that the little changes mean the most. Less drama and chaos, more things accomplished, better starts to each day, deeper sleep, clearer skin, etc.

Sometimes you have to focus more on the big picture than how you feel each moment. One of my friends used to tell his son "they're only feelings". They often pass, and your outlook can change the way you feel.

Yes I am doing the AA / NA stuff, 3X per week, because that's all I can handle with the level of social anxiety I have right now. I have a sponsor. I am working steps. So far it has been extremely stressful. I don't know what the spiritual part is supposed to look like but its not the same for everyone I guess. Maybe it's not what works for me. I will still finish my steps though. My doctor has no opinion on AA. My therapist believes that labeling myself a lifelong alcoholic / addict in meetings reinforces negative thought patterns although he said the social aspects of the program can be helpful. He is very open minded though and he told me there is more than one way to get sober. I hope he's right. If AA is the only way.... I don't know. I don't want to go to meetings for my whole life. They stress me out so much.

Well, why dont you leave your room and challenge yourself to be a part of the community and try new things? It wont be comfortable at first, but you can do it. In sobriety, it only works in the long term if you gain something from it, which means you have to be proactive and GAIN something. You freed yourself from abusing alcohol, now what is next? What is something else you can tackle and conquer? It wont work if you dont keep building and moving forward. You may have 7 months, but your at a standstill. You stopped drinking, but didnt start living. You cant fully experience the joys of sobriety if you stop putting in the effort to change and better your life. That is no way to live, and these dark thoughts you have are a product of spending too much time alone, living in your head. Its super unhealthy, but it doesn't have to be this way. Change it! Start with something small..........go to the store, even a gas station. One step a day towards a better you, and take all the time you need as long as your doing SOMETHING. Does that make sense? You can do this, and I promise, you will feel better.

P.S People dont answer a lot of my posts, despite like 200 views. Who cares? Addicts can be an anti-social bunch, so I wouldn't let it get to you.

AA is NOT the only way, trust me. Im actually pretty sick of that being told to new people in recovery, because I think it makes it seem you either do AA or never recover, which can be so daunting to a newbie. Im living proof. AA wasnt for me, and I am 2 years sober and going strong (thank the lord). In my experience, in recovery, you have to gain more in being sober than you did when you used, or it wont work. So, my advice is to challenge the hell out of yourself until you gain so much, you never want to go back to where you were. That is what works for me.