Jen31

Day One (June 16, 2013)

Woke up incredibly hung over! Legs don't want to work, head feels like its in a vice grip, headache, equilibrium is way off, tired, unable to function. Laid around the house like a complete loser. Never did anything for my husband for fathers day and stayed closed up in my room 80% of the day while my family was outside enjoying the beautiful day. My husband didn't speak to me until after lunchtime, in which his first words to me were, "You were so trashed last night. You were talking out of your mind and would not wake up no matter how much we would shake you." I could feel my face getting red with embarrassment. I kept to myself and prayed my stepdaughter (13 y/o) never said anything.

Lets rewind to Saturday, June 15... I was at my mothers house dog sitting. I had my five year old daughter with me. I let her play on her slip-n-slide while I sat around drinking a HUGE bottle of wine. After she played I was ready for a nap, so naturally, she would have to lay down too. We spent a majority of our Saturday laying down. No five year old should have to do that. She was ready to go home, so I took her back to our house. While at my house I drank three Modelo's, before returning back to my moms house. At this point its getting late, 8-ish and I've now added a four loco to my list. My stepdaughter wanted to come to my moms and spend the night w/me and watch movies together. By the time my husband brought her to me 10pm, I was passed out drunk on my moms couch. They could not get me up. I don't recall any of this, I only know because of text messages from my husband to my stepdaughter via my phone that night. My husband came back, picked up my stepdaughter and left me on the couch for the night. I woke up at 7am sunday morning in a panic because I couldn't remember anything at all. I saw my stepdaughters packed clothes on my moms counter and searched the house for her. That's when I finally found my phone and saw the messages. Needless to say, I hustled and cleaned up around the house then went back to my own home, where everyone was sound asleep. I got into the bed w/my husband and 5yr old and just laid there for a while ashamed, drunk/hungover and feeling like a HORRIBLE mother.

Day Two (June 17, 2013)

Today is better, obviously since I didn't drink yesterday. I woke up with a slight headache and felt like I was getting a cold. Things with my husband are a little better. I'm sure he still has his reservations about me. He doesn't know I'm trying to quit, I'm not going to get his hopes up again. I seem to try to quit drinking every month. I know deep down, it HAS to stop this time. I feel unbelievably awful about how I treated my stepdaughter and daughter Saturday night. I don't ever want them to see me like that again. Ever. I'm a better person than that.

I cant wait to come back and post day three updates.... and really cant wait to post day 365.

least

I hope this is your last day one. If you never drink again you'll never have to go thru this again.

ScottFromWI

Glad you are back and making a try at quitting Jen31. Do you have any sort of recovery method or plan that you will be following, or are you just doing this on your own? I know for me taking one day off after an especially hard few days of drinking was pretty easy because i felt so physically crappy, but once I felt better on day 2 or so i'd just have "one or two" and things started right back over again.

Hope this time is the one for you.

LadyinBC

Hi Jen,

Do you have a plan? What are you going to do different this time? Do you have any support outside the home? Maybe a counselor or meetings?

Jen31

I don't have any specific plan in place. I have a lot of books on alcoholism, 12 steps, etc downloaded on my nook, to read.

I hid my visa in my husbands wallet, that way I cannot leave and go get something to drink during the day.

Our bank acct is low (thanks to me and my drinking) so we have to do with what we have for lunch & dinner the next two weeks. That's going to keep me from the store.

I have an Etsy shop that I have been adding things to in order to make extra money and keep myself busy.

Those are the only things I have going on right now to keep me occupied.

I really, truly do not want to go to meetings. I panic at the thought of it.

bryangt

yes, you can do this but need to take the action to do so. Have you tired AA meetings yet or speaking with another sober person you ma know? (someone who has quit drinking successfully so far?) You don't have to go it alone...reach out for help and it will be there for you. And maybe cluing your husband in on your goal to stop may add his support for you....

ScottFromWI

Sometimes you need to do things you don't want to do to enable change. Not saying you can't get sober without going to meetings, but ruling it out without trying it is not being true to yourself.

There are other options for local support ( one on one counseling, intensive outpatient, etc ).

Dollyangel17

Welcome Jen! So many of us have been there, so we understand. Reading is a good first step, and SR is a great source of support and strength. I started by reading first as well, then joined here. I also plan to work meetings in too. I found a couple of good books..."Mommy doesn't drink here anymore" and "A Woman's Guide to Recovery". Both were good reads.

Best of luck, and read/post here as often as you like...it really does help.

Lifebeginsat41

Hi Jen

Hope you're keeping strong.

I didn't want to go to meetings (and I'm a newbie and have only been to 2 so far) but I went. And it really helped. You don't have to say a word - just listen. My group said yesterday that you don't have to believe in or participate at the start of AA - just keep taking the body and the head will follow. And I know it is scary - but the other options for me (losing my husband and son) were much scarier. Good luck.

Pondlady

Hi Jen,
When you first started posting, you mentioned wanting to be more physically active. When I stopped drinking I would take walks regularly and even more if I felt agitated.

It's simple to do, doesn't cost any $ and might just help....why not give it a try?

Carlotta

Hi Jen,
Welcome back. Like the others said, a plan might be a good idea. You never have to feel that way again you know
Why don't you join us in the 24 hours club? Deeker does a kick ass job keeping it lively and fun and it helps us be accountable for not drinking one day at a time http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-6-a-19.html
Try to check out your local AA meeting if you have not done so yet. My home group has been a tremendous support for me.

Anna

Hi Jen,

I agree that you need to do something different this time, if you want a different result. I love the idea of walking. Take your 5 year old with you - maybe she could ride her bike. One small change will have a ripple effect in your life.

LadyinBC

They have chat meetings here every Tuesday and Friday night if you are interested.

bloss

Looking forward to reading your next update. Some days are better than others in sobriety. Guess that's just how life is. But, even a so-so day is nicer when sober. So much better to wake up and not have to wonder what happened the day/night before. Take it slow, just one day or even hour at a time. You will be ok as long as you don't take the first drink. Take care of yourself.

trikyriky

Congratulations on day 1 . Try not to think too far ahead . Work on day 2 .

LadyinBC

Jen I sent you a PM.

0percentABV

Then you're not ready to quit.

Maybe that was a bit harsh. I'm not saying you have to go to meetings to quit but you have to be open for anything. The years I fought with myself about my drinking we're filled with things I wouldn't do to quit. Then when I hit my rock bottom I knew I had no right to say I won't do this or that. I'm the drunk here who can't quit on his own, I haven't been making the best choices so far.

So when I woke up after my last drink I went to a meeting I never said I would do. I checked into seeing a therapist to get an evaluation that I said I would never do. I opened myself up to go into inpatient if needed, another thing I said I would never do (luckily I didn't have to). And I told the people I love that I am an alcoholic and I am quitting drinking.... I said "I am an alcoholic," something I said I would never do.

Coming close to 5 months sober now, something I thought I would never do and something I am glad I finally did.

Bird82

I'm where you are at the moment Jen Hun, and I hve been to one meeting, which was weird and I didn't speak but I listened. I plan on going next week, again no plans on speaking but to listen and gain some perspective on where I am and where I should be going.

How was day 2?? Xxx.

Nuudawn

Brilliant. I have two weeks sobriety today. Although I am not currently a member of AA..it remains a possible tool in my toolbox. The day I woke up hungover wincing at the right arse I had made of myself the day prior..was a good day. I'd hit the "I cannot do this anymore" place. And that's an awesome place. As folks here have said, you need a plan...you need tools. One of the first things I did is make a list of things to do INSTEAD of drinking. I returned to SR. I am in counselling. I am exploring faith. I am getting to the roots of my self loathing and total lack of self care, love and acceptance.

Get prepared. Get a plan of action. This is a war and like wise military protocol you need to a beachhead in the battle zone. Addiction is a formidable foe and you need to arm yourself with every tool available.

Congrats on your decision. I hope you stick around here.

Grungehead

Your signature:

I found that quite ironic.