Acheleus

Still no cigarettes or alcohol. Feeling miserable and hating everything today. Lots of bad memories, anger, hatred, depression. Feel like I am a ghost walking around invisible to other people. I am taking a long trip after my class up to the mountains where maybe I can find peace. My life is a mess.

least

Give yourself more time to feel better. Getting back to normal doesn't happen overnight. I hope your trip to the mountains brings you peace for a while.

Olive1

Hi Acheleus,

Congratulations on 19 days!
I was very sad and angry and tired and depressed and sick for many months after I stopped drinking. I felt like I was trudging through my life one heavy step at a time. My life was also a complete mess at the time that I stopped.
All I can tell you is that things got better for me. Slowly, the weight of my steps got lighter. I started to feel better. My lifes entanglements started to untangle.
Today I am grateful that I made it through the dark tunnel without drinking.
I believe you can do the same.

Dee74

Your life's not a mess - it's in far better shape than it was 19 days ago

Bad days still happen - even in recovery...but don't judge the rest of your life by how you feel today.

These black moods seem to be a pattern for you - have you considered seeing a Dr Acheleus?

D

quitforme79

I agree with Dee...you haven't smoked or drank in 19 days...you may FEEL a mess but growth is painful. Keep up the greatness

Acheleus

Well I felt sad earlier for a variety of reasons, just stuff that happened years ago. But I went to the store and came home. I made salmon cakes and fried squash, and I thought about how I have to be patient in my recovery. The truth is I want a woman, I want to hang out with one, go fishing, kiss and talk. It just sucks being alone and I am a good looking guy but I was in a long relationship and now I have no idea how to find a person that will respect me and not treat me like an inconsequential person. So I get frustrated (read horny) and I get angry at myself for being a fool for so long. But I know I am even more attractive now that I do not smoke. Cooking is fun and I really like it. Thanks for the support guys.

Dee74

my advice, as different as it maybe to put all that primal stuff to one side, is take this time to work on yourself first.

Your future relationships and partners will thank for it

D

Acheleus

Yes I think that is why I have been not trying to go out and find someone. This whole thing is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I do not feel like my self, heck I really have no idea who I am, and to be honest I am scared. Even today in class I put on a smile and made people laugh, and it is like the BS autopilot, it is all a facade, this happy funny person. So, I am exercising, doing chores, studying, but feeling sluggish and tired a lot. But I have been losing weight by eating vegetables and fruits and drinking only water. Maybe I just changed too much at once, but I wanted to be done with all this stupid, unhealthy living. I just want my dang knee to get better so I can get back to my long walks. I think I am kind of shocked that I am really buckling down.

Dee74

Give it time Acheleus - 19 days is awesome but it's really the beginning of this journey...things will get better, riddles will be solved, and good times really are ahead

D

Acheleus

Thank you for the support Dee. I just want to quit telling myself I will be alone forever and never have a family. I know this is the beginning and I do need to give it more time. My anxiety is still present, but it is not as bad as when I was drinking. I think I am going to join a yoga class to calm myself down. Do men wear yoga pants? That would just be wierd.

Oh, and I feel like I have wasted a lot of my life and time staying drunk. So I am trying not to be angry at myself.

SnwFlower

It sounds like you're on the right path i.e. exercising, eating healthy, focusing on you. Improvement and change is always difficult at first, but the reward is always worth it. I also went gang busters with my sobriety, I went full into working out, eating healthy diet, focusing on positive things in my life and it's definitely starting to pay off. I'm glad that I did. I also got some injury setbacks as well (from running) so that was frustrating, but that's normal stuff to be expected.

I agree with what others said, this is a fantastic time to focus on just you. In fact, when I was first single from a 3 year relationship, I was terrified of being alone. I lost my house, my job, my relationship, my yard that I gardened in every weekend and even our cat. I was alone and devastated. So I made a decision to conquer that fear of being alone, and prove to myself that I could actually really enjoy and love being single and by myself. It actually worked and I feel much more solid to enter a relationship for when the right person comes along.

Things will get better, they always do.

Olive1

Hi Acheleus,

I think the reason that they say you are not supposed to get into a relationship in the first year of sobriety is because you need at least that year to figure yourself out. You can't work as much on yourself if you are working on a relationship, especially a new one, at the same time.
You are much more yourself after 19 days sober, but imagine how much more of yourself you will be in another 11+ months of sobriety.
Don't worry about meeting someone now, you will meet plenty of people in the future. And who knows, the one year plus sober you might be interested in someone a lot different than the 19 day sober one.

Give yourself a chance.

Acheleus

Thank you. Yes I lost a parrot, he was my boy. Conquering fear is exactly what I am doing now, but I only get frightened in bed at night or in the morning. During the day I am pretty mellow. Bob Marley helps with the positive vibrations. And yes I messed up my knee running last week, I was limping even today. It is nice to understand that other people are alone and strong. But I am trying to cope with the loneliness and self-hatred.

Rennet

One thing that has got me off the wagon before is disappointment how slow things were changing. I've especially felt the same way re: women. I quit drinking, I feel fantastic, I'm working out and eating healthy.. now where is a girlfriend? But the fact is it is 19 days, which is great, but life doesn't change that quickly. I think it is good to be careful with expectations starting out.

SnwFlower

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your parrot. It's tough losing a pet, they are like family members.

That's a great idea listening to Bob Marley at night. Have you thought about talking to someone about your anxiety? I saw a therapist for awhile and that helped me through some of the toughest times. I also took some classes on CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) that had some useful skills in coping with those types of thoughts.

Acheleus

Thank you. I also feel that drinking was a part of my masculinity. Not sure why that is. Sooooo many people drink, and I kind of feel like a freak. It is better than being crazy drunk and yelling at people. Bad craving now for some reason, I just want to go to my fav bar with a book and read while having a cigarette and a beer. I will go walking instead. Where do I go to socialize?

Soberpotamus

Maybe a coffee shop or bookstore with a coffee shop in it?

Olive1

Art class, photography class, any class you are interested in.....dog park, museum, zoo.

SnwFlower

I've also used the local MeetUp groups online. They are interest groups of every kind in virtually every city. I've joined things like stand up paddle board classes, hiking, game nights at coffee shops. They have groups for everything out there.

Acheleus

I will have to put myself out there. I guess I am quiet and shy, I do not want to bother other people, so I leave them alone. When I drank I talked to everybody. I need to come out of my shell, I am just very self-conscious.