New and a realization about Denial
Sober Today
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
New and a realization about Denial
I'm not great with words, but wanted to get this out so bear with me...
I've been drinking since I was 15 and I'm now 42. I've only just in the past couple of months admitted to myself that I have a big problem - when I wanted to quit but was unable to, and was drinking all day, every day, starting in the morning for almost two years.
Looking back over the past 27 years, I've had periods of daily, heavy drinking, but then always stopped and went back to drinking only a few days a week or on weekends, then daily heavy drinking - a cycle. Almost always when I drank I would get completely tanked and often do terrible, dangerous, or unhealthy things.
My mother has accused me of having a drinking problem for at least a decade, but I brushed her off since she doesn't drink. I always just considered myself a party girl, and that I drank because I liked the buzz, liked the taste, it was fun, and that I could stop if I wanted to but I just didn't want to. I mean, hey, all of my friends drink and nobody tells them *they* have a problem.
I also associated alcoholics with people who just could not function at all and were close to death. It wasn't until I was a "functioning alcoholic," drinking heavily everyday for two almost two years while running my own business and taking care of my children that I realized that is not always the case.
I've been reading the posts here from other alcoholics and so much of what they've done while drunk are things I've done years ago - the period when I thought I just liked to party. I have behaved so badly, hurt and even damaged the people who love me, all while drunk. I see so many posts from people who say they only drink on weekends but binge drink, or they abuse alcohol now but have gone periods of not drinking so they aren't sure if they qualify as an alcoholic. Call it what you will, but if you have a problem with alcohol or abuse it in any way, work on it now before it gets worse. I wish someone would have told me that back then.
What I realize now is that I was in total denial then but can admit that I'm an alcoholic now and have always been one, as embarrassing as it is and as weak as it makes me feel.
I just had to brain dump this morning . =) Good luck to everyone on their path to sobriety and to remaining sober.
I've been drinking since I was 15 and I'm now 42. I've only just in the past couple of months admitted to myself that I have a big problem - when I wanted to quit but was unable to, and was drinking all day, every day, starting in the morning for almost two years.
Looking back over the past 27 years, I've had periods of daily, heavy drinking, but then always stopped and went back to drinking only a few days a week or on weekends, then daily heavy drinking - a cycle. Almost always when I drank I would get completely tanked and often do terrible, dangerous, or unhealthy things.
My mother has accused me of having a drinking problem for at least a decade, but I brushed her off since she doesn't drink. I always just considered myself a party girl, and that I drank because I liked the buzz, liked the taste, it was fun, and that I could stop if I wanted to but I just didn't want to. I mean, hey, all of my friends drink and nobody tells them *they* have a problem.
I also associated alcoholics with people who just could not function at all and were close to death. It wasn't until I was a "functioning alcoholic," drinking heavily everyday for two almost two years while running my own business and taking care of my children that I realized that is not always the case.
I've been reading the posts here from other alcoholics and so much of what they've done while drunk are things I've done years ago - the period when I thought I just liked to party. I have behaved so badly, hurt and even damaged the people who love me, all while drunk. I see so many posts from people who say they only drink on weekends but binge drink, or they abuse alcohol now but have gone periods of not drinking so they aren't sure if they qualify as an alcoholic. Call it what you will, but if you have a problem with alcohol or abuse it in any way, work on it now before it gets worse. I wish someone would have told me that back then.
What I realize now is that I was in total denial then but can admit that I'm an alcoholic now and have always been one, as embarrassing as it is and as weak as it makes me feel.
I just had to brain dump this morning . =) Good luck to everyone on their path to sobriety and to remaining sober.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
You are by no means weak. Admitting I was an alcoholic has actually made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. I found a strength inside myself that I had no idea was there. And you have it too.
The important thing is you aren't in denial anymore. Now you can work on you!
The important thing is you aren't in denial anymore. Now you can work on you!
Sober Today
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
Originally Posted by LadyinBC 
You are by no means weak. Admitting I was an alcoholic has actually made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. I found a strength inside myself that I had no idea was there. And you have it too.
The important thing is you aren't in denial anymore. Now you can work on you!
The important thing is you aren't in denial anymore. Now you can work on you!
It makes me sad. I did not want to be this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I'll beg to differ and say you are good with words 
What you have just wrote is exactly how I felt but have never been able to articulate. I think a large part of denial comes from comparing ourselves to others. I know I always did that, and even in recovery I have come across many people who didn't drink anywhere near as much as me and others who drank a lot more. Interesting how I would always look at the people who drank more and think 'I'm not an alcoholic' but I would never doubt the problem of other people who drank less. If you look at your own relationship with alcohol, never mind what anyone else is doing, then you find the answers much more quickly. I wish I had really accepted that earlier in life, I would have been much happier.
I just wanted to say a word on the 'weak' point too. I remember meeting a recovering alcoholic and talking about AA when I was still drinking. I asked about the whole powerlessness thing and said doesn't that feel really defeatist (in retrospect I cannot believe my arrogance and fully intend to track him down and apologise for being such a giant douch). Anyway, his answer surprised me because he said he found it really freeing. Freeing. I think that mulled around in my head for a long time and I think it has had a bearing on my final acceptance. I mean what are we going to do, keep drinking in the hope that one day we'll magically learn to control it? We're intelligent beings right? We should learn quickly. Well I tried the magic approach for years, knowing full well that I couldn't control my drinking. The intelligent thing to do is to stop. It is not a weakness to learn stuff.
Well, there's my brain dump (love that expression). I hope you abandon any feelings of weakness and see how much self esteem and freedom you can get from sobriety, cos it's ace x
What you have just wrote is exactly how I felt but have never been able to articulate. I think a large part of denial comes from comparing ourselves to others. I know I always did that, and even in recovery I have come across many people who didn't drink anywhere near as much as me and others who drank a lot more. Interesting how I would always look at the people who drank more and think 'I'm not an alcoholic' but I would never doubt the problem of other people who drank less. If you look at your own relationship with alcohol, never mind what anyone else is doing, then you find the answers much more quickly. I wish I had really accepted that earlier in life, I would have been much happier.
I just wanted to say a word on the 'weak' point too. I remember meeting a recovering alcoholic and talking about AA when I was still drinking. I asked about the whole powerlessness thing and said doesn't that feel really defeatist (in retrospect I cannot believe my arrogance and fully intend to track him down and apologise for being such a giant douch). Anyway, his answer surprised me because he said he found it really freeing. Freeing. I think that mulled around in my head for a long time and I think it has had a bearing on my final acceptance. I mean what are we going to do, keep drinking in the hope that one day we'll magically learn to control it? We're intelligent beings right? We should learn quickly. Well I tried the magic approach for years, knowing full well that I couldn't control my drinking. The intelligent thing to do is to stop. It is not a weakness to learn stuff.
Well, there's my brain dump (love that expression
). I hope you abandon any feelings of weakness and see how much self esteem and freedom you can get from sobriety, cos it's ace x
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by GreenEggsAndHam
Thank you!
It makes me sad. I did not want to be this.
It makes me sad. I did not want to be this.
My drinking got really bad after I did jury duty. It really changed me and I started drinking alot. It brought past memories of things and it just triggered me.
I told my counselor that I wished I had never done it because it really bothered me and I was sorry I had done it. He told me that if I hadn't of done it I could have just plugged along in life. Being that it happened and it triggered things, now I could work on me and be a stronger and better person.
And you know, he was right. There are things I have done that I never would have done before and I have changed and I think I have become a better person because of it. I am by no means perfect and I have a lot of work to do, but I am not longer feeling like I am stuck or just settling because I am scared to go forward. Hope this makes sense!
Sober Today
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
Thank you all so much for the support and kind words!
hypochondriac - Yes! I'm glad I'm not alone in having compared myself to others and thinking, well, I'm not *that* bad so I must not be an alcoholic. But really, I was drinking a LOT. I was raised by a single mom who never showed her weaknesses and I've always been a hardass like her. Admitting I have a problem does not come easy to me. It's taken this long.
LadyinBC - My situation is the opposite. No one that I know of in my family drinks or has an addiction. Well, not totally true. Lots of food addictions and my father was a heavy smoker who passed of lung cancer. Though I had no relationship with him and haven't seen him since I was very young. I had a hard childhood of abandonment and abuse and I'm sure I started drinking to deal with feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, anxiety, and my inability to deal well with stress and pressure.
Now I worry more about my children. I don't want them to grow up and be like me.
hypochondriac - Yes! I'm glad I'm not alone in having compared myself to others and thinking, well, I'm not *that* bad so I must not be an alcoholic. But really, I was drinking a LOT. I was raised by a single mom who never showed her weaknesses and I've always been a hardass like her. Admitting I have a problem does not come easy to me. It's taken this long.
LadyinBC - My situation is the opposite. No one that I know of in my family drinks or has an addiction. Well, not totally true. Lots of food addictions and my father was a heavy smoker who passed of lung cancer. Though I had no relationship with him and haven't seen him since I was very young. I had a hard childhood of abandonment and abuse and I'm sure I started drinking to deal with feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, anxiety, and my inability to deal well with stress and pressure.
Now I worry more about my children. I don't want them to grow up and be like me.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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You can still be a hardass sober I never had a problem admitting I had a problem, to myself anyway, but doing something about it was a different thing entirely. But there is great strength to be gained in facing up to a problem and tackling it. It is the very opposite of weak x
I never had a problem admitting I had a problem, to myself anyway, but doing something about it was a different thing entirely. But there is great strength to be gained in facing up to a problem and tackling it. It is the very opposite of weak x
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When I look back at my thought processes during the years I was drinking, I shake my head. The power of denial is so huge and such a big part of alcoholism. Admitting that I was an alcoholic meant admitting I wasn't able to cope, and that was so hard for me. I hated not being able to handle myself.
I'm glad that you realize you need to stop drinking.
I'm glad that you realize you need to stop drinking.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Originally Posted by GreenEggsAndHam
Anna - yes, it's actually embarrassing that I didn't see how big of a problem I had. Ugh.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
A long term alkie for round 50 years, of varying degree, with long terms of sobriety, I don't think I realised how really sick I was till around 50.
Even then after detox,license suspension, highly likely of
losing my job etc I would again opt for" moderate drinking" only to slip badly again in Jan of this year.
With God's help along with group support, realization of problem and desire to resolve it I believe its never too late.
Even then after detox,license suspension, highly likely of
losing my job etc I would again opt for" moderate drinking" only to slip badly again in Jan of this year.With God's help along with group support, realization of problem and desire to resolve it I believe its never too late.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
I don't find it either weak or embarrassing Green...it's just something I needed to fix.
You've had a powerful realisation to help you do that now
Many people will never have that realisation - many more will have the realisation but will never do anything with it.
You're doing the right thing
D
You've had a powerful realisation to help you do that now
Many people will never have that realisation - many more will have the realisation but will never do anything with it.
You're doing the right thing
D
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Yep the first step of recovering from alcoholism goes against what we normally would think. By admitting our weakness (over alcohol) it actually gives us the strength to stop drinking. Too many people struggle with this concept (myself included at one time). I too used to be embarrassed to be an alcoholic. I have come to believe that while we have some choice over whether or not we take that first drink (hence the feeling of embarrassment) we lose that choice after taking that first drink. This doesn't happen in non-alcoholics.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
Denial keeps us in the same numbing cycle so anything that breaks us out of it is a very good thing. I think you can't dwell on the embarrassment and stuff you did before, it only drags you down. Those days can be gone if you make the right choices.
I think many of us were afraid too of "What happens if I really try and I literally can't stop?" easier just to keep trying to moderate and ignore it and it will go away right?
I think many of us were afraid too of "What happens if I really try and I literally can't stop?" easier just to keep trying to moderate and ignore it and it will go away right?
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