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Old 06-16-2013, 10:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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done


So done putting myself through the ringer. I just want to shake myself or something. I want to come here and post that I've made it past my delusional thinking in light of all the crap that I've gone through because of my drinking. ...but that would be a lie. I thought I had such a great spiritual experience last weekend that I was sure I could shake this ridiculous thinking that's been swirling in my head...but i didn't. I proceeded to drink again this week. I snuck off to the "bathroom" yesterday at the fair and slammed 3 shots & went back to my family. ..an hour later I went back for another shot because I honestly didn't feel a thing from the first 3. Really it just made me tired and a little cranky. Why did I not feel it? I thought about that all day. I drank again this afternoon, just 2 of those lemonade beer things and I felt flushed and tipsy after just a few swigs off the can...what is that about? I'm not drunk now...just really tired. I do know that if I had bought more than 2 I would have drank them all. I just can't seem to get honest with myself. I should know better. I have been to enough meetings. I know I am an alcoholic but my insides don't want to believe me
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Old 06-16-2013, 10:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm sorry. We're here for you.
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Old 06-16-2013, 10:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Jstar....you have been on SR for a while. I remember your encouragement to me when I first quit. You said the right things to me then and were so kind and supportive. You know what to do...

It's time for you to get off the roller coaster. Put the drink down. Make a promise to yourself. Are you in AA? If so, phone your sponsor if you have one, say you're ready now.

Make today your last day 1. You can do it. I believe in you x
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Drinking will kill me. If I start thinking any differently, it's a lie.
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Old 06-16-2013, 10:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi JStar - sorry to hear you're struggling. Keep going to the meetings and visiting here and count each day that you're sober as a win in the battle. Just focus on today. You can do this.
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Old 06-17-2013, 04:49 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jstar View Post
I want to come here and post that I've made it past my delusional thinking in light of all the crap that I've gone through because of my drinking. ...but that would be a lie. I thought I had such a great spiritual experience last weekend that I was sure I could shake this ridiculous thinking that's been swirling in my head...but i didn't.
Okay, so where does it say that we have get rid of our delusional thinking? I am not sure my delusional thinking has ever gone away. It has certainly gotten less persistent with my ongoing sobriety but I don't think it ever goes away.

I guess what I am saying is that you don't need to get rid of those thoughts in order to be sober. You know this. You have been sober for long stretches at a time and you were okay right? It may not always be comfortable but it's not really like something catastrophic is going to happen if you don't drink. I had a little mantra early on, that no matter what happened, no matter how bad it got, just don't drink. I swear the first few days/weeks were agony. I felt like I was forcing myself to do something that was totally against my nature. Even months down the line it felt pretty weird. I felt pretty weird. I kept wondering when it would get better. My mind kept telling me I was better off when I was drinking, and it was right in some ways. But I stuck it out and it got better. I tried viewing it as an experiment. Sometimes I would tell myself, 'okay, I've been drunk for 12 years, lets see what life is like sober'. If you need to say one day at a time, or I'll commit to a year, then fine. Use every trick in the book to stick at it. Going backwards and forwards isn't teaching you anything.

No one can tell you what to do in order to make it work for you Jstar. All we can do is share our experience. But there are loads of people here and elsewhere who have been sober for years and are happy about it. Have some faith in the process and trust that it will improve if you stick with it. So far this is just a minor blip. Come clean and recommit to your sobriety. Don't let this turn into a biggy x
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Old 06-17-2013, 05:37 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi and try to hang in there. Its been a lot of years, fortunately, since I've been in your painful condition and certainly Remember When. I'm not saying what will work for you but the following work(s)ed for me and millions with the disease.
We had to get honest with ourselves. Accept that we can not drink alcohol in safety. If we do not pick up the first drink we don't have to get sober AGAIN. Went to many AA meetings even when we didn't want to and became active, not around it. Remembering that it's a one day at a time and remove the "what ifs". Some of us need detox and aftercare. I'm not a religious person so it's a strange that when I prayed to MY higher Power it was the last day I had a drink. I'm grateful that a desire to drink has been removed for over 30 years, and yes I still go to 3-5 meetings a week to keep my thinking straight and not to entertain the insanity preceding a first drink. BE WELL
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Old 06-17-2013, 07:53 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I commit to myself today to ask God to help me in every weak moment. I can do this.

Thank you for all of your amazing responses. Thank you for caring
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Old 06-17-2013, 07:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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There is no doubt you can do this, jstar. Coming from one who put herself 'through the ringer' for 30 yrs. - believe that a sober life, free from our poison - is possible. We have to be ready, and it sounds like you're there. You aren't losing a thing - you're gaining relief and freedom.
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Old 06-17-2013, 08:02 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome Jstar, I'm glad you're here and posting about your relapse.

You don't have to go any lower than you are now because you are here, you are sober and you can make the decision that alcohol is no longer an option in your life.
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