James18

Since I last posted on here I fell for the old con trick of thinking I could cut down. I did quite well for a while and was drinking like a fairly normal person - maybe a bit too much, but not bad. As usual, my tolerance for alcohol has gone through the roof and yesterday I ended up back to square one, after drinking a ridiculous amount - literally whatever was there - at someone's party. I didn't want to go in the first place and ended up drinking out of awkwardness/boredom/peer pressure etc. etc. By the end of the night I was wasted and went home in a foul mood, which luckily I managed to contain without starting any ****. Although I'm sure people noticed me slipping into drunken ******* mode, they were keeping their eyes on someone else who has issues and a drink problem so I kind of slipped through the net for the most part.

I keep telling myself I'm going to stop so I cut down or cut it out for a while and then after a few days think "oh, I'm not that bad really - everyone does it, I'm being boring...and the whole vicious circle starts again. SO here I am again, hung over, pissed off and back to the start.

There's no way I could've dealt with all those people without booze. I didn't know most of them and they (for the most part) all knew each other, including the people I went with/knew. That to me is a nightmare situation and a recipe for disaster.

I was absolutely steaming angry over something that now, in the cold light of day seems ridiculous. Some slight smart remark that I would've shrugged off sober sent me into a rage. Luckily everyone was getting ready to leave and my phone was dead so I couldn't do anything about it when I'd got home. I'm never like that sober and I didn’t like it.

So this morning I feel like crap - bad stomach, hangover etc. plus the guilt/shame/anxiety trip which I hate. Oh, and a chest that feels like I've been in a house fire with the amount of cigarettes I smoked, which also annoyed me because I was doing good with stopping. /rant over

hypochondriac

How about you just commit to a period of sobriety and ignore those thoughts? I find it interesting that any time we have those thoughts like 'I'm not that bad' and 'everyone else does it' that it automatically leads to drinking. How about having those thoughts and not drinking? You don't act on every thought that goes through your head right? Like those ones that make you want to shout something silly in a quiet room or streak across a football pitch

I really understand your feelings about not being able to cope in those situations sober. I was exactly the same. But drinking never did anything to help my social anxiety. I got better over time but it wasn't booze that helped, it was everything else I was doing, like having to deal with the public and feign confidence in my job. Drinking is a short term solution, which doesn't actually make it easier, it just makes you not care. The amount of times I spent falling down drunk in social situations I was nervous about... I didn't think that actually I'd have come off better if I'd sat in the corner not saying anything.

I can't tell you how much you can learn about yourself in a relatively short period of sobriety. I have been sober 15 months and I have learnt so much about myself, what I want to do with my life etc... It is amazing how much sh;t drinking covers up.

And btw, your tolerance for alcohol will never go down. It is one of those things we can't reset. So unless you want to keep drinking that much forever...

DrakeCKC

Don't beat yourself up and glad you came here to rant. I thought I could moderate too, I would stop for a bit, slow down on my consumption and then would be right back to slamming drink after drink either at the bar or at home.

Hope you feel better soon!

Eddiebuckle

Hi James,

I can totally identify, in fact my last post about ten minutes ago in a thread about the "lies of alcohol" was the lie of "just one more drink, and I'll go to bed." Which for me I told myself a thousand times at least, and somehow still believed it when I had the thought.

We all have our blind spots with alcohol. You wrote this a year and a half ago:

Hi, I just (sort of) recovered from a hideous hangover resulting from a 24 hr drinking binge that has left me feeling completely ill,tired, run down, scared and depressed. I've been going through the binge/hangover/saying i'm quitting thing for years, but have finally had enough. The hangovers are getting worse and I'm drinking more and more. I have no idea how to stop - I use drink partly because I'm shy and without it find social situations awkward.

I don't know what methods you have tried to maintain sobriety so far, but for me when I finally decided to quit I had pretty much run out of excuses and accepted that for me there were no brakes. Once I drank and the train left the station, there was nothing I could do until that particular drinking bout ran its course. I kid myself occasionally that I have only given up one drink, it was a Mountain Dew soft drink bottle of vodka and just enough mountain dew to make it look like soda. I left that bottle in a trash can about 20 minutes before I entered rehab in December 2009.

The most insidious lies are the ones we tell ourselves. Until we permanently recognize them as lies, our lives will continue with the same regression and ever worse consequences.

I hope you are able to do whatever it is you need to do to come to that recognition. Sobriety is real, and the sober life is not the sacrifice I imagined it would be. You can do this, James, but if you are anything like me you cannot do it alone.

Edd

Amy2011

Social situations are tough. I went to a bar with my husband and another couple Friday night to hear a band. I gave up drinkng 2 years ago and I still felt awkward at first. Then last night we went to a party with people we don't know that well. People were doing shots, drinking. I said I don't drink and someone said how about a beer. I was definitely more of an observer last night than participant, but that's ok. I didn't embarrass myself, my family, and I don't have a hangover. It does get easier with time. I just try to think through where that first drink will take me and it never ends well in my head.

hayley86

I tried many times to cut down and kidded myself for a long time that I just needed to reduce the amount I drank, what I drank or when I drink and I was only fooling myself. I tried not drinking before 9pm which I did for a while but then that became earlier. I tried only drinking on weekends, but then that became Friday, Saturday, Sunday and then Monday evenings to get rid of sundays hangover, then it would be well I have already drank on Monday so I may aswell start next week which never materialised and I ended up in a big mess with my drinking rapidly becoming progressively worse until it made me really ill. If you are debating with yourself weather you can moderate it then you probably already know the answer. Some people just cant drink and I like many others are one of them the sooner one accept that (if that applies to you) the easier it becomes because you can then really focus on getting sober and staying sober and the internal dialog / debate can stop. I used to feel awkward in social situations as I am not naturally a very loud person who can just strike up a conversation with people easily and this was a big reason why I didn't try getting sober earlier I thought I needed a drink to be more sociable and appealing and I know realise what utter nonsense that was, it was just another trick the booze plays. I am now 8 and a half months sober and I can handle any situation thrown at me and have fun socialising with people and meeting new people, its less of an issue for me now than it ever was when I was drinking im much more confident and I like being me. Hope you feel better soon

James18

Thanks for the replies. I don't really know what my next step is other than to not have a drink...that doesn’t seem to work on its own though. At least not for long. It's making me nervous just thinking about it. Maybe I should concentrate on feeling better and think it through tomorrow. I need to approach this differently somehow for me to stand any chance of quitting.

ScottFromWI

That's the alcohol talking to you. It is entirely possible deal with any situation in life without alcohol. In fact, it's easier to deal when you are sober vs drink. Early on though its probably best to avoid drinking parties or bars until you have a sobriety plan in place. Do you plan to quit now or still attempt to moderate?

LadyinBC

When I quit the thought of never drinking again terrified me. It still does. I just get thru one day at a time. This morning I woke and I've chosen not to drink today, so all that is required of me is to just get thru today. I don't think about tomorrow, next week or a year from now. I just have to get thru today.

MIRecovery

Nothing but pain and grief are in your future until you decide to quit for good. If there is another way I know of no one who has found it.

Anna

James, I'm glad you're back.

Stopping drinking again is a good start, but it takes much more than that in order to recover. It sounds like the party you went to was a trigger for you. I had to stay away from people drinking alcohol for many months. I just couldn't handle it. You might have to try new activities and pass-times, and maybe make some new friends too. It's not easy but it's worth it.

Itchy

As long as you believe that, you are absolutely right.

And life will be full of people, situations, bad news, good news, events, boredom, heck I drank to the new day with spiked coffee. It was called Limbo and we tried to answer the question "How low, can you go?"

With alcoholics it is even lower than ground level. The better question is how low will you go? And you have limbic issues with anger to boot? It IS as simple as stopping. But then there is a learning curve to living sober. Fortunately in addition to here, there is local support that I found necessary to my recovery. Are you using local counseling, your doctor completely read in and understanding your actual amounts of drinking and smoking instead of two to three drinks occasionally? Have you let your non drinking and respectful normal drinking friends in on your decision to quit for good? I used all that as well as family and a week in the hospital doing a safe medical detox.

Life can still suck, but I can also walk away from drunks and fools, but then I repeat myself. I have been both, and still play the fool often. Once I realized I can't walk on water, swimming turned out to be fun.

Give yourself that shot at a sober life. I make that conscious decision every year of sobriety, even though I am recovered and have no desire, no matter what happens, to dull my sense.

It will be three years sober in a couple of months for me. AA helped too for my first three months. Keep posting here, keep reading, keep the memory, lose any of that and your mind can go with it.

Dee74

Welcome back James

There really is a life after booze, and many many situations I once thought I could never handle sober I know do, routinely.

It's all about that leap into the unknown, the leap of faith, leaving that fear behind.

I hope you'll decide to make that leap like so many of us have - it turns out ok, really

D

Hevyn

Hi James.

It sounds like there's nothing but misery in it for you now. That's the point I reached too before I quit for good. I wanted the old fun that it once was - I tried so hard to find it, but it wasn't coming back. I'd stepped over the line and social drinking was never going to be possible. Once I really believed that - I stopped feeling resentful and stayed on track. After a brief period of feeling sorry for myself, I found I was much happier, lighter, and less anxious without it. We learn to live again in a new way - and it's a much happier, saner life. You can do it.