Upcoming social events!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: England
Posts: 146
Upcoming social events!
So, after 12 days of sobriety I've already slipped due to first social do. Although I can avoid some situations, there are some such as upcoming family weddings that I'm completely committed to and cannot avoid. Any advice for such situations? Previously these were my favourite occasions, reception drinks, drinks with meal, toast and that's before the evening celebrations have even started! Help needed!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,754
The only suggestion I have is to go to the event with the plan to not drink. If you must, keep a glass of soda or water or juice in your hand so no one will offer you a drink. Have an escape plan too in case you get too tempted and have to leave.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I had a good few events like this in early sobriety too Ali. At a friends wedding I decided to just run around taking photographs. It gave me something to do with my hands and stopped people from questioning where my drink was. I think I did end up taking more pics than the official photographer though!
I was also proactive on the drinks front. If you sort your drinks out first then no one can offer to buy you one and then pester you to drink alcohol when you ask for a soda.
Having a plan of escape is a very good idea too. I remember getting through the dinner fine but when people started to get tipsy I started getting nostalgic and wanted to join in. Stick close to anyone who you might be able to cadge a lift off, or drive yourself. Also a perfect ready made excuse for sobriety
Do not worry about what people will think if you leave early, they will just remember you were there, not that you left at 10 and were sober. Remember that no one really cares if you are drinking or not. It has taken a long time for me to accept that, but people rarely notice and even if they do it's your company they want, not a drunken entertainer 
I was also proactive on the drinks front. If you sort your drinks out first then no one can offer to buy you one and then pester you to drink alcohol when you ask for a soda.
Having a plan of escape is a very good idea too. I remember getting through the dinner fine but when people started to get tipsy I started getting nostalgic and wanted to join in. Stick close to anyone who you might be able to cadge a lift off, or drive yourself. Also a perfect ready made excuse for sobriety
Do not worry about what people will think if you leave early, they will just remember you were there, not that you left at 10 and were sober. Remember that no one really cares if you are drinking or not. It has taken a long time for me to accept that, but people rarely notice and even if they do it's your company they want, not a drunken entertainer Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,348
I found 99.99% of the things I 'had' to go to, I actually didn't have to go to at all, Ali.
The only two people really required at a wedding are the bride and groom.
I had to think about what was more important - my sobriety or what I thought were my social obligations.
I would have been lost trying to live my old life, sober - I needed time away to start building a new life.
Think about it - weddings - why not go to the ceremony & skip the reception?
If you feel you have to go think about all the likely scenarios and temptations and make plans for what you'll do and say. and have an escape plan for if things get too rough.
D
The only two people really required at a wedding are the bride and groom.
I had to think about what was more important - my sobriety or what I thought were my social obligations.
I would have been lost trying to live my old life, sober - I needed time away to start building a new life.
Think about it - weddings - why not go to the ceremony & skip the reception?
If you feel you have to go think about all the likely scenarios and temptations and make plans for what you'll do and say. and have an escape plan for if things get too rough.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 1,384
Does get much much easier and you can enjoy things even more , nothing better the clarity and rawness of being sober and being who you are and not what a drug wants you to be. Love watching and pitying people drinking, silently of course lol . Sober is cool.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Ali123 
So, after 12 days of sobriety I've already slipped due to first social do. Although I can avoid some situations, there are some such as upcoming family weddings that I'm completely committed to and cannot avoid. Any advice for such situations? Previously these were my favourite occasions, reception drinks, drinks with meal, toast and that's before the evening celebrations have even started! Help needed!
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
I agree with the others. ALWAYS have a plan for leaving if you are uncomfortable.
Personally if I thought I would slip at this event I wouldn't even go. There is no way I would have gone anywhere so soon into my recovery.
I have had to get out of the mindset that I HAVE to do something I'm not comfortable with or to feel like I can never say no. I have done that my whole life, always putting everyone and everything before me. That is part of what got me into this mess to begin with. And it's totally my fault because I never didn't set boundaries. This is something I have had to learn to do. And I have discovered that it is okay to do this and if someone is upset with me because of it that is their problem.
At the end of the day my sobriety comes before anything else because if I don't have it, I have nothing.
Personally if I thought I would slip at this event I wouldn't even go. There is no way I would have gone anywhere so soon into my recovery.
I have had to get out of the mindset that I HAVE to do something I'm not comfortable with or to feel like I can never say no. I have done that my whole life, always putting everyone and everything before me. That is part of what got me into this mess to begin with. And it's totally my fault because I never didn't set boundaries. This is something I have had to learn to do. And I have discovered that it is okay to do this and if someone is upset with me because of it that is their problem.
At the end of the day my sobriety comes before anything else because if I don't have it, I have nothing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
I'm going to my first wedding in August since becoming sober - by then I'll have (crosses fingers) just over one year of sobriety. I skipped a wedding in my 2nd month of sobriety and another in my 10th month of sobriety, both weddings were close long-time friends.
I understand it's a family wedding, so maybe you'd have a harder time skipping it. Why not go to the ceremony, hug the bride and groom, have dinner and go home? Definitely make sure you get out of there before the lights get low and people start doing the chicken dance, you don't need to be around that nonsense right now. Good luck!
I understand it's a family wedding, so maybe you'd have a harder time skipping it. Why not go to the ceremony, hug the bride and groom, have dinner and go home? Definitely make sure you get out of there before the lights get low and people start doing the chicken dance, you don't need to be around that nonsense right now. Good luck!
Freedom--May--2012
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: So Cal
Posts: 38
Ali
How far in the future are these events? If they are not months away, I would consider skipping. You still seem to be romanticizing and feeling like you are missing out. You must be at peace with your decision to abstain before you ever put yourself in harms way. It is great that you have 12 days sober, everyday sober is a gift.
How far in the future are these events? If they are not months away, I would consider skipping. You still seem to be romanticizing and feeling like you are missing out. You must be at peace with your decision to abstain before you ever put yourself in harms way. It is great that you have 12 days sober, everyday sober is a gift.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Maybe offer to drive so people don't expect you to drink and you have the added responsibility of being behind the wheel that has helped me. Although when I was actively drinking this never worked for me, I was never a dependable DD but I've done it a couple times in my 90 days sober and it def helped me avoid alcohol and it was exhausting at the same time because I had to spend the whole time not drinking.
I am at a graduate party right now hiding in my cousins room because I just couldn't handle it. I am miserable and pissed off and upset. I actually have a wedding coming up too and I don't think I am going to go. It is a close family members and I am actually in the wedding, I will go to the wedding service but I am leaving before the reception because I'm just not strong enough. It's weird because I went to a bar around the 60 days mark but I'm having a real tough time right now so I don't think I'll risk it. People should understand...I'll probably say I am sick...
It is possible to go and stay sober but it's hard to have an enjoyable time because all your energy is focused on that. If you're gonna go have an escape plan, if you start to feel out of control have a way to leave, say you have a headache or are sick to your stomach and apologize that you have to cut out but you gotta put your sobriety first, but you don't have to tell your business to everyone. Most people wont pry. You could also bring a sober friend with you to help keep you on track. Or put al ist on your phone of all the reasons you don't drink and all the bad things that'll happen if you do, and the good things that come when you dont and look at it when you're feeling week. Go with numbers on hand ,just be smart. Make your sobriety the top priority. You don't have to feel rude or bad, because you do have a sickness and there is no shame in having to leave or skip ebcause of it
I am at a graduate party right now hiding in my cousins room because I just couldn't handle it. I am miserable and pissed off and upset. I actually have a wedding coming up too and I don't think I am going to go. It is a close family members and I am actually in the wedding, I will go to the wedding service but I am leaving before the reception because I'm just not strong enough. It's weird because I went to a bar around the 60 days mark but I'm having a real tough time right now so I don't think I'll risk it. People should understand...I'll probably say I am sick...
It is possible to go and stay sober but it's hard to have an enjoyable time because all your energy is focused on that. If you're gonna go have an escape plan, if you start to feel out of control have a way to leave, say you have a headache or are sick to your stomach and apologize that you have to cut out but you gotta put your sobriety first, but you don't have to tell your business to everyone. Most people wont pry. You could also bring a sober friend with you to help keep you on track. Or put al ist on your phone of all the reasons you don't drink and all the bad things that'll happen if you do, and the good things that come when you dont and look at it when you're feeling week. Go with numbers on hand ,just be smart. Make your sobriety the top priority. You don't have to feel rude or bad, because you do have a sickness and there is no shame in having to leave or skip ebcause of it
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: way down yonder in the land of cotton
Posts: 34
My experience in my previous years of sobriety before my slip was: only go if you absolutely have to. Eat something even before you go. Have your cell phone with numbers of sober friends plugged in. DO NOT be afraid to go into the bathroom or outside and call them. Take your own car.
And the most important thing: is it a "real occasion" such as a wedding, funeral, graduation, birthday dinner etc. or just a drinking party? If it's a real occasion and the people would notice your absence, make a showing if you can. If just a drinking party, come up with a good excuse and skip it. That helped me through the years it worked.
Up until I stopped putting sobriety first and slipped.
And the most important thing: is it a "real occasion" such as a wedding, funeral, graduation, birthday dinner etc. or just a drinking party? If it's a real occasion and the people would notice your absence, make a showing if you can. If just a drinking party, come up with a good excuse and skip it. That helped me through the years it worked.
Up until I stopped putting sobriety first and slipped.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Agreed with others, if you think you'll slip it's best to avoid a party.
Another piece of advice if you do find yourself around alcohol, though: make sure several people know you aren't drinking. It doesn't matter what reason you give as long as it's absolute (for example: driving is an OK one, but people will say 'oh but just try this cocktail it's so good, and you don't have to drive for hours'). I told everyone I was quitting for 90 days as an emotional experiment/health thing.
That backed me into a corner earlier on when I was more easily tempted. I'd go out and sometimes would really want a drink... but after already explaining to everyone that I was abstaining, I couldn't back down.
Another piece of advice if you do find yourself around alcohol, though: make sure several people know you aren't drinking. It doesn't matter what reason you give as long as it's absolute (for example: driving is an OK one, but people will say 'oh but just try this cocktail it's so good, and you don't have to drive for hours'). I told everyone I was quitting for 90 days as an emotional experiment/health thing.
That backed me into a corner earlier on when I was more easily tempted. I'd go out and sometimes would really want a drink... but after already explaining to everyone that I was abstaining, I couldn't back down.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: England
Posts: 146
Wow, thanks for all your replies. It's really great to hear from so many of you have years of sobriety under your belts. It's certainly given me lots to think about. For some reason I've always thought I had to go to most things really as feeling I'm letting people down , which I realise now I'm not. So I've been through my diary and for the next 6 weeks there's nothing I feel I really want to go to especially if it could jeopardise my sobriety chances. The wedding I've been talking about is not til August so hopefully by then ill have a few weeks under my belt and will then think about my get out quick excuses! I love the idea of being a bit of a photographer hypochondriac!
Thanks again for everyone's wise words, greatly appreciated.
Thanks again for everyone's wise words, greatly appreciated.
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