Osakis

My little family is going through a crisis and we don't know what to do. About three years ago, my 45-year-old brother was forced to move in "temporarily" with my recently-widowed, 77-year-old mother. His marriage and business had recently failed and he had health problems (a chronic back condition that has required two surgeries in two years and brings with it excruciating pain).

My brother has always been a loner and depressive -- clinical depression runs in our family. I've been aware for some years that he's been using alcohol to self-medicate, but since he has never presented himself as stereotypically drunk, I wasn't aware of the extent of his problem.

Last fall I also moved back home (I'm a single, 38-year-old woman) because I sensed that my mom and brother weren't coping well with his various problems. My brother has been keeping to himself -- coming home from work and going to his room, which he insisted that we not enter. He said it was the only place in the world he had that was "his." As it turns out, his need for privacy likely had much more to do with his escalating drinking.

Last week he broke up with his girlfriend, who had demanded he get help for his depression. He did go to the doctor and got some antidepressants (Lexapro) and shared his concerns about his alcohol use with the doctor. He quit drinking when he went on the Lexapro and quickly "crashed" with withdrawal. At this point, mom and I didn't know about the alcoholism; we thought depression was his big issue. When he disappeared one night, we were frantic, fearing he'd gone off somewhere to commit suicide.

Turns out he sought refuge at the home of a woman he barely knows who was kind enough to take him in. He stayed there a couple of days, and she got him a bottle because she lives in the country and was afraid his withdrawal was severe enough to cause his body to shut down.

We got him home and back to the doctor, who prescribed meds (Atavin and a valium-related drug) to help with the withdrawal. We took away the keys to his vehicle and haven't let him go anyplace by himself. We also dumped out all the liquor we had in the house. I gather from online reading that these are not the right things to do, but we don't what else to do. We don't feel he is in shape to drive and of course we fear what he will do if he's out of our sight. We can't even be sure that he's been off liquor the past few days, as ahe might well have a stash someplace in the house that we haven't discovered. His severe withdrawal symptoms seem to have abated, at least.

He feels like he's under "house arrest," and honestly he is. I don't think our house is the best place for him now. Living at home with mom (who tends to be rather controlling and treats him like her little boy) has exacerbated his problems, I think. But he has nowhere else to go. He tried to "play" this kind woman who took him in, suggesting that he was interested in her romantically so she'd let him stay there, but she understands that he's not in any shape to pursue a relationship. He hasn't been to work in more than a week, and we are expecting him to be let go. He has no financial resources.

I am encouraged by the fact that he has sought help -- from the doctor and from the local mental/chemical dependency treatment center. He has indicated a willingness to try A.A. I plan to start attending Al-Anon this week. My mother, however, is deeply frightened and also comes from the generation in which alcoholism carries a stigma, so she is also ashamed. She wants/needs to keep an eye on Kevin and try to control his behavior. I fight these same impulses -- at least if we keep him home, we know he's "okay" (relatively speaking).

Can anyone offer any help or insight on what we should be doing? We love my brother so much and want him to get well and we feel helpless and scared. Thanks for any help anyone can offer.

kgm

Chy

Welcome to SR!
I'm truly sorry for you and your mom having to go through all this but I have only one question. Is HE ready to quit?

Osakis

I think so ... I'm impressed (and stunned) that he has taken the steps he has so far. He doesn't have a history of sticking to things and is prone to running away from his problems. That he is acknowledging he HAS a problem is a good sign, I think. He isn't being entirely honest with himself or us yet -- he claims that he began drinking to deal with the pain of his back problem, but I know he had been drinking at least since his divorce.

kgm

Chy

Yes I agree, a very good sign. You can only love and pray for him. This he has to do alone in the sense it's all up to him to take those steps towards help. But he has to know he doesn't have to do it all by himself. There IS a great deal of support available, but he has to want this more then life itself. He has to be willing to do whatever it takes, what ever is suggested. Please keep a close eye on him if he's not detoxing in a facility. Detox can be potentially fatal if your not under medical supervision, though many, many do go it alone. It's good he's been given some medication to help with the anxiety he's going to face.

I hope for you you stick with Al-Anon. It's a great group to help you set boundaries.
Don't let him manipulate you, I promise he's going to give it all he has to try to convince not only himself but you that perhaps he's hopless. In my book there is no such thing. We all have the ability to flip the switch that allows us to pursue this with complete determination and honesty. The best way to help is to take care of you, be strong, and pray.

We're here for you.

Osakis

Thanks. I've been trying to take care of my brother and also my mother, about whom I am very worried. This is so stressful for her. She has barely left the house for a week because she wants to be close by for my brother. My older sister, who lives a distance away, has taken a week off to be home with mom and my brother during the day. But she will have to go back to work next week. I, too, have to work. Yet I'm anxious about leaving Mom and bro home alone. Not that he is violent or anything -- he's a very gentle person. But neither he nor my mom have strong physical or emotional resources to cope by themselves. I wish there were someplace he could go where he would get some help, but he is terrified of being "locked up" in an in-patient treatment center.

What a nightmare this all is...

Chy

You know I was thinking the same, but didn't want to butt in. Treatment centers today are not so "institutionalized" now. I was thinking it's probably the best thing that could happen for him given your situation. He would be away from the protective eye's of you all, he'd be in a safe environment to properly detox, and he be able to use the services for therapy, and or programs that would be available to him to help him stay quit. He can walk out anytime he wants, and shouldn't feel as if he'd be "locked up". I'm not sure if he's been before, but maybe this time, he's really ready to recieve the help.

Osakis

Feel free to "butt" in anytime. We're really lost and floundering here, not knowing what the right thing is to do. I think (hope) the worst of his withdrawal is behind him. It's been four days and he says he's feeling better -- less shaky and anxious.

This is the first time he's ever reached out for help; he's been in denial a long time (along with the rest of us).

Magichappens

Hi Osakis,
Welcome. We have an Al-anon board that is full of people who understand what you and your family are going through. Please feel free to come over and join us to browse, vent, visit, or share. There is a lot of support and good information. You are not alone. Hugs, Magic

mackat

hello osakis
please get to as many al anon resources as you can!! I was the alcoholic and i can assure you that as long as my disease was active, i was quite capable of fooling any and all [especially myself] as to any offerings of real help- but i was always ready to take any offers of pretty much anything else.
mackat

bediane

I have a son with similar problems. He is now in jail which is a safe place for him. There is always hope as long as they are alive and that's what I pray for everyday. To want help has to come from him. There is nothing you can do unless he wants it for himself. A half-way house, a drug/alcohol rehab will help but again only if he wants it. My son who is 24 has been in and out of jails, rehabs, half-way houses, etc. It never works and it won't work until he wants it. I can't control him only the way I react to what he does. I love him but his addiction cannot and willnot control my life. Read books about bountries and Co-dependent No More before you and your Mom let the stress get to you.
Love,
Diane
Pray!

Chy

In a nutshell! Well said.

Osakis

My brother has been on meds to help get him through withdrawal for about five days. He insists he hasn't had any liquor. However, he remains secretive about his room and doesn't seem to want us to go in there. We confronted him about finding many empty whisky bottles in there while he was out the other day -- he wanted to know why we were in his room and said he thought he should leave.

What should we do? Should we demand to go in his room? If he wants to leave, what should we do? He doesn't have anywhere to go. We're afraid to continue giving him the meds if he isn't off the booze, because we've been told that's dangerous.

He had shown some willingness earlier in the day to try in-patient treatment. How do we expedite this before he changes his mind?

I don't feel he can stay here, not going to work, alone with my mother. But what can we do?

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks.
kgm

mackat

this is going to sound harsh but i have been in your bros shoes- if he wants to go, let him- in fact, if he is an adult and is living off you and your mom, he needs to be out- Believe it or not, this is love in action. If you keep acting on your impulses to 'aid' him, you will succeed in keeping him in his disease, not to mention the damage you will be doing to yourself. If you turn him out, he stands the best chance of meeting the consequences of alcoholism head on. There is little incentive for him to make a real change otherwise.
Diane has given you the unvarnished truth. Please use those al anon resources...everyone there has been in your shoes in one way or another.
good luck
mackat

Osakis

Thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement. I am the older sister who is here for a week or so to help Mom and Sis over the shock of finding out about my bro's alcoholism. Don't know how much to push for inpatient treatment. It would certainly be the best thing for my Mom and Sis and maybe there bro would have access to some resources to help him find his own place. For his own good, he needs to take control of his life and not depend on us. Any advice is appreciated.

justine

HI I JUST READ YOUR POST AND GOT CHILLS DOWN MY SPINE AS IT SOUNDS LIKE MY BROTHER YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.
MY BROTHER IS ALSO A LONER AND CRONIC ALCOHOLIC.I HAVE RECENTLY DISCOVERED HE IS SO BAD NOW HE IS DRINKING METHOLATED SPIRITS!! HE HAS BEEN AN ALCOHOLIC MOST OF HIS 40YRS SINCE HE WAS A TEENAGER.
I AM ALSO IN RECOVERY FROM HERION AND METHADONE AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO TO HELP HIM.
HE HAS BEEN DOING THIS FOR SO LONG HIS HEALTH IS NOW DETERIORATING AND HE HAS JUST THIS WEEK FOUND OUT HE HAS LIVER DISEASE AND HEP B.HE HAS BEEN WARNED BY THE DR IF HE KEEPS ON THIS WAY HE IS LOOKING AT HOSPITALISATION IN ABOUT 1YR AND ULTIMATLY DEATH.
AS YOU CAN IMAGINE THIS HAS BEEN A BIT OF A BLOW TO US AS WE DONT WANT TO BE GOING TO HIS FUNERAL ANYTIME SOON.
LIKE YOUR BROTHER HE IS A LONER AND FINDS EVEN A SIMPLE CONVERSATION DIFFICULT.MY MUM IS PINNING ALL HER HOPES ON ME TO HELP HIM BEING AN ADDICT MYSELF AND SO FAR SUCCESSFUL IN MY RECOVERY, SHE THINKS I HAVE THE MAGIC WORDS.
THING IS I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE SO ALONE AS MY BROTHER AND THAT MAKES ME SAD CAUSE HE DOESNT KNOW OR WANT TO KNOW WE ARE HERE FOR HIM AND DOESNT SEEM TO BE ABLE TO CONTROL HIS ADDICTION NO MATTER HOW HE TRIES.
UP TILL I BECAME CLEAN DID I START TO REALIZE HOW LONELY HE IS.I HAVE ALWAYS LOOKED AT MY BROTHER WITH RESENTMENT FOR THE CRAP HE HAS PUT ON ALL OF US, HIS FAMILY.NOW I SEE THINGS A BIT CLEARER AND REALIZE HE IS ONLY HURTING HIMSELF AND MISSING OUT ON HIS LIFE AND HOW IT COULD'VE BEEN.LIKE YOUR BROTHER HE IS DEPRESSED MOST OF THE TIME SO THE DRINK IS THE ONLY THING THAT TAKES HIM AWAY FROM ALL THE BAD FEELINGS.
I DONT THINK THERE IS A SOLUTION BECAUSE, AS I HAVE LEARNT BATTLING MY OWN DEMONS, THE ONLY SOLUTION LIES WITHIN THEMSELVES.ALL WE CAN DO AS LOVING SISTERS IS TRY AND BE THERE WHEN THEY FEEL LONELY AND ASSURE THEM THEY ARE NOT ALONE IN THE WORLD.
IF YOU COME ACROSS AN ANSWER PLEASE FILL ME IN, OR IF ANYONE ELSE READING THIS HAS A SUGGESTION I WOULD LOVE THE ADVICE.
KEEP FIGHTING FOR HIM AS I WILL FOR MINE.
GOOD LUCK MATE!!!!

Chy

IMO that's the best advice you can give yourself.

Walk away, and continue to pray. Until he's ready you have to quit trying to manipulate his situation and remember nothing changes if nothing changes, and nothing, will change until he's ready, I mean gut bucket honest, ready!

Good luck you, I've been praying for him.