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I'm ashamed to post about my problems.. (Pot)

Old 06-13-2013, 06:50 PM
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Unhappy I'm ashamed to post about my problems.. (Pot)

Good evening/afternoon/morning my friends.
I've been a long time reader of SR (mostly this sub-forum, newcomers) and i'm not one to share my issues.. Anonymously or otherwise.

EDIT: This turned out to be an extremely long vent/rant, I imagine most of you won't want to waste your life on this post.. Be forewarned it's boring and you won't learn anything from it.

I have a problem, a pretty big problem in my eyes but I imagine not in others.
I'm going to spew on about my life here, i'll create a "td;dr" section below to summarize it for you if you wish to skip the ********

I grew up in a small town (in Canada) and I had a "perfect" childhood one could say. My parents were not fortunate in circumstance but hell did they ever pull it together to do everything and anything possible for me and my three siblings. I'm forever in their debt, they are both still alive.

My childhood was very uneventful, I locked myself in my room and played video games all through high-school. When I was 15 I was 220lbs and one-ugly-ass-mofo but yet I still managed to score my dream girlfriend. I was 17 and I had a fairly new car (paid cash), an awesome job (didn't realize it at the time) and an acceptance letter to college. When I graduated highschool I had only drank twice (blacked out when I was 15 - said i'd never drink again) and I had never even tried smoking pot or any other medication whatsoever.

It all went downhill from here.. I broke up with my girlfriend shortly after I graduated highschool, I always thought I could "do better" and I never truly appreciated her in the nearly 3 years we dated. I was starting college soon so I needed a change and I had a choice, stay in my small town and drive to college or move to the city.. I decided to stay in the small town as i'm sure you have guessed..

Well the small town had a "party house" .. The owners (which I remain close with) allowed their kids (4 boys) and anyone else to do virtually whatever they wanted. 16 year olds snorting coke off their kitchen table? NO PROBLEM IN THAT HOUSE! Their house is still that way to this day, it's only 4 houses down the road from me and I know at any given moment (24 hrs a day) I could walk down there and weigh up my own drugs (on spot too, if I wished) without anyone even looking twice at me.

I've spent the last 4 years going down there EVERYDAY (365 days a year) to score my gram of pot.. The dealer trusts me more than he trusts himself (he's an alcoholic) and I can honestly go down there and weigh up whatever I want (on spot) because he knows i'll pay him.. I've never ripped him off and never would, that leads to my next point. You can only imagine what a small town with a "24/7 party house" would do to a group of guys. Needless to say every single one of these people "friends?" are addicts in one form or another, mostly alcohol and a few on cocaine and a few on opiates. (I'm not talking only weekend use either)

I had lots of money and never any friends so this "party house" down the road really appealed to me. They were all broke and I was the only one with a car and money so of course I was always the one driving/paying their way.. I was without a doubt used by these people in the beginning. I dropped out of college twice (two programs) and I ended up getting in to some serious trouble, I lost my car in November 2009 due to "circumstances" (a police officer royally butt-****** me, but I deserved it for crimes against police i've yet to answer)

I didn't have a car (couldn't afford insurance) so I stole cars.. I'd score a car and it would sit in plain sight (tons of empty cottage driveways) until a cop figured it out, they'd tow it and a few days later i'd just go get another one.. I never thought i'd get caught - and I didn't. January 2010 rolls around and whilst at this party house down the road I get a text from my mother.
"The police are here looking for you, they have a search warrant".. I ran up the road to see my house COVERED in police, They came looking for keys to cars but they ended up getting me with 13 different counts (id theft, fraud, stolen property, etc) .. I went to the holding cell and my parents bailed me out the next day..

Well, my dad decided he couldn't live with me and he rescinded my bail.. I was then issued by order of committal to stay in crown custody until my court date.. I did my stint in jail (I was 18 and had braces..) , it was not fun.. I got out VERY lucky and in one piece, I had a few "close calls" in there due to my lack of street smarts. My lawyer took every remaining penny I had.. I'm lucky I hired him or I would most likely be dead or locked in solitary (I lost my mind in prison and kinda went crazy)..

I was released and ended up getting a decent job, about two months into this job my life was ruined. I came home one day, my parents were sitting on the deck and I knew something was up. My dad wouldn't look at me and my mom looked incredibly sad, I assumed someone had died.

No, turns out nobody died. My 14 year old sister went to the police and told them I raped her, that I had been molesting her throughout her childhood. She also stated my dad beat her daily but went back on that one, she has yet to this day come clean about the lie that ruined my life.. The police decided not to press charges (thank-god, I would have died before I went to prison again) but of course word got out. I told a few people what happened and they told others, i've NEVER had a single person bring it up to my face but I KNOW everyone knows about the accusations, including all members of my extended family. Honestly, I don't think my dad ever believed me and we've never really spoken since.. My mom and brother always said she was a **** talker and not to worry about it, I wonder though what they really think even now, 3 years later.

I ended up losing that job a few months later because a co-worker heard about my fraud conviction.. I had been promoted to "shift manager" but was let go immediately when they found out about the criminal history.

Since that day i've been high, I smoke 20+ "poppers" (marijuana+tobacco) a day to keep me in that "zone". I moved out on my own for a year, couldn't do it and moved home.. I was home for a few months then went back on my own.. I couldn't do it so I moved back home (with my parents) a year ago. Every morning (today, yesterday, etc) I get up and walk down the road and weigh myself out whatever pot I need.. At the end of the week I either borrow the money off my mother to pay my debts or I try to make enough legally to cover it, she says she doesn't mind as long as my dad doesn't find out and only if it's spend on pot.. She knows I can't function without it.

She lends me the money, she doesn't give it too me.. When I had tons of cash (17) i'd send them out to dinner and to the casino, she know's one day i'll pay her back and we keep track of the debt. Everyday I wake up i'm plagued with regret, sorrow, but mostly anger.. I can barely make it 20 minutes into the day without getting high.. When i'm not high (which is rare) I go crazy.. I can't even get out of bed, I just cry.. I'm a 22 year old male who quite honestly cries every-time he wakes up.. I get a MAD amount of negative flashbacks, the people i've wronged in my criminal days, the damage i've done to my parents, my health, my mental state.. I've thought about suicide plenty of times but as soon as I smoke that popper life is alright, I can function normally.

I don't do opiate's, benzo's, cocaine, hell I don't even drink (haven't since new years, probably because i'd spend that $20 on pot instead) but I smoke poppers religiously. If I smoke a joint it does nothing for me, if I smoke a cigarette it does nothing for me. If I smoke a bowl without tobacco it does nothing for me. So for the last 3 years i've been smoking a popper every 30 minutes, racking up my $10-20/day debt. Between school and marijuana I owe my parents ~$30,000 (20k school) and right now I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I still won't talk to my sister, she hasn't even made any attempt to talk to me about what happened...

So yes, I feel extremely ashamed posting about my "pot" addiction but I know I need to quit. My health has gone downhill quick and I can't afford this addiction.. I just simply cannot be sober, i'm afraid i'll hurt myself or someone else.

When i'm sober I walk around and i'll catch myself saying "two shots" outloud to myself and I can almost picture myself shooting someone, or crowds of people, it's extremely creepy and i've only realized recent that I do this.. For the record I got rid of all my guns after the sister experience as I had planned out her end and I couldn't risk pulling a crazy and damaging my parents like that. I don't have the access or balls or will to hurt anyone, I love everyone and everything on this planet.

I was hoping someone out there could relate, or something.. It does feel good to just vent, so I sincerely thank-you for reading this..I really want to be sober, badly.. It's just that pot serves it's purpose too well and I just keep suppressing these emotions deeper and deeper.

Lots of love,
Vices

PS: I was going to do a TL;DR but I don't even know how to summarize it all, i'm sorry.. I apologize for my lack of formatting and grammar

Last edited by Vices; 06-13-2013 at 06:57 PM. Reason: cleaned it up a bit
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Old 06-13-2013, 06:50 PM
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The formatting is just terrible in that novel I wrote.. I'm sorry for any of you that had the painful experience of reading all that
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Old 06-13-2013, 07:02 PM
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Hi Vices

there's a lot of us here who've dealt with pot...I smoked daily for 30 years.
It's not easy to stop but it's not impossible either.

I did have to make some pretty fundamental changes tho - changes in what I did with my life and the social circle I ran with.

do you see a Dr? Those are some pretty scary ideations.
D
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Old 06-13-2013, 07:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Hi Vices

there's a lot of us here who've dealt with pot...I smoked daily for 30 years.
It's not easy to stop but it's not impossible either.

I did have to make some pretty fundamental changes tho - changes in what I did with my life and the social circle I ran with.

do you see a Dr? Those are some pretty scary ideations.
D
I haven't seen a doctor in 10 years, i'm actually terrified at the thought of it.. I can't even bring myself to get my health card, i'm convinced I have some serious issue and i'm afraid of being committed to an institution or they'll diagnos me with something terrible.. in all honesty

Thank-you so much for the reply, I truly appreciate your time Dee
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Old 06-13-2013, 07:06 PM
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to SR! I'm glad you joined the family!
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Old 06-13-2013, 07:11 PM
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I still think a Dr is a great idea - but at the same time I wouldn't worry unduly.

Smoking regularly can really screw you up and it take you to some very dark places.

I'm not a Dr myself but I think chances are your perspective will lighten dramatically once you quit.

D
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Old 06-13-2013, 07:15 PM
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Welcome to SR! I'm glad you've found us. You'll find lots of support and encouragement here. I agree with Dee about getting some medical help...perhaps the fear of not knowing what will happen is worse than the appointment itself? I know when I've been scared to go to the doctor, once I'm there I'm always relieved to both share my concerns and have help from a professional who has seen it all before. The scariest part can be picking up the phone to make the call, but I hope you will.
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Old 06-13-2013, 07:26 PM
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Pleased to meet you, Vices. I'm glad you decided to post. I think it will help you to not be alone with this. It's hard to reach out, but it relieves the anxiety we're feeling.

I have to agree with the others that a visit to your doctor would be a good place to start. You could be worrying needlessly & it would set your mind at ease. I hope you'll continue to talk to us here, too - you need the support - and we want to help.
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Old 06-13-2013, 07:39 PM
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Hello. I also agree about seeing a professional. It can not hurt. People can have all kinds of thoughts about things. It is what we do with the thoughts that matters. I think that you can get all of this sorted out with the right kind of help. Please keep talking and posting.
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Old 06-13-2013, 09:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Vices View Post
Good evening/afternoon/morning my friends.
I've been a long time reader of SR (mostly this sub-forum, newcomers) and i'm not one to share my issues.. Anonymously or otherwise.

EDIT: This turned out to be an extremely long vent/rant, I imagine most of you won't want to waste your life on this post.. Be forewarned it's boring and you won't learn anything from it.

I have a problem, a pretty big problem in my eyes but I imagine not in others.
I'm going to spew on about my life here, i'll create a "td;dr" section below to summarize it for you if you wish to skip the ********

I grew up in a small town (in Canada) and I had a "perfect" childhood one could say. My parents were not fortunate in circumstance but hell did they ever pull it together to do everything and anything possible for me and my three siblings. I'm forever in their debt, they are both still alive.

My childhood was very uneventful, I locked myself in my room and played video games all through high-school. When I was 15 I was 220lbs and one-ugly-ass-mofo but yet I still managed to score my dream girlfriend. I was 17 and I had a fairly new car (paid cash), an awesome job (didn't realize it at the time) and an acceptance letter to college. When I graduated highschool I had only drank twice (blacked out when I was 15 - said i'd never drink again) and I had never even tried smoking pot or any other medication whatsoever.

It all went downhill from here.. I broke up with my girlfriend shortly after I graduated highschool, I always thought I could "do better" and I never truly appreciated her in the nearly 3 years we dated. I was starting college soon so I needed a change and I had a choice, stay in my small town and drive to college or move to the city.. I decided to stay in the small town as i'm sure you have guessed..

Well the small town had a "party house" .. The owners (which I remain close with) allowed their kids (4 boys) and anyone else to do virtually whatever they wanted. 16 year olds snorting coke off their kitchen table? NO PROBLEM IN THAT HOUSE! Their house is still that way to this day, it's only 4 houses down the road from me and I know at any given moment (24 hrs a day) I could walk down there and weigh up my own drugs (on spot too, if I wished) without anyone even looking twice at me.

I've spent the last 4 years going down there EVERYDAY (365 days a year) to score my gram of pot.. The dealer trusts me more than he trusts himself (he's an alcoholic) and I can honestly go down there and weigh up whatever I want (on spot) because he knows i'll pay him.. I've never ripped him off and never would, that leads to my next point. You can only imagine what a small town with a "24/7 party house" would do to a group of guys. Needless to say every single one of these people "friends?" are addicts in one form or another, mostly alcohol and a few on cocaine and a few on opiates. (I'm not talking only weekend use either)

I had lots of money and never any friends so this "party house" down the road really appealed to me. They were all broke and I was the only one with a car and money so of course I was always the one driving/paying their way.. I was without a doubt used by these people in the beginning. I dropped out of college twice (two programs) and I ended up getting in to some serious trouble, I lost my car in November 2009 due to "circumstances" (a police officer royally butt-****** me, but I deserved it for crimes against police i've yet to answer)

I didn't have a car (couldn't afford insurance) so I stole cars.. I'd score a car and it would sit in plain sight (tons of empty cottage driveways) until a cop figured it out, they'd tow it and a few days later i'd just go get another one.. I never thought i'd get caught - and I didn't. January 2010 rolls around and whilst at this party house down the road I get a text from my mother.
"The police are here looking for you, they have a search warrant".. I ran up the road to see my house COVERED in police, They came looking for keys to cars but they ended up getting me with 13 different counts (id theft, fraud, stolen property, etc) .. I went to the holding cell and my parents bailed me out the next day..

Well, my dad decided he couldn't live with me and he rescinded my bail.. I was then issued by order of committal to stay in crown custody until my court date.. I did my stint in jail (I was 18 and had braces..) , it was not fun.. I got out VERY lucky and in one piece, I had a few "close calls" in there due to my lack of street smarts. My lawyer took every remaining penny I had.. I'm lucky I hired him or I would most likely be dead or locked in solitary (I lost my mind in prison and kinda went crazy)..

I was released and ended up getting a decent job, about two months into this job my life was ruined. I came home one day, my parents were sitting on the deck and I knew something was up. My dad wouldn't look at me and my mom looked incredibly sad, I assumed someone had died.

No, turns out nobody died. My 14 year old sister went to the police and told them I raped her, that I had been molesting her throughout her childhood. She also stated my dad beat her daily but went back on that one, she has yet to this day come clean about the lie that ruined my life.. The police decided not to press charges (thank-god, I would have died before I went to prison again) but of course word got out. I told a few people what happened and they told others, i've NEVER had a single person bring it up to my face but I KNOW everyone knows about the accusations, including all members of my extended family. Honestly, I don't think my dad ever believed me and we've never really spoken since.. My mom and brother always said she was a **** talker and not to worry about it, I wonder though what they really think even now, 3 years later.

I ended up losing that job a few months later because a co-worker heard about my fraud conviction.. I had been promoted to "shift manager" but was let go immediately when they found out about the criminal history.

Since that day i've been high, I smoke 20+ "poppers" (marijuana+tobacco) a day to keep me in that "zone". I moved out on my own for a year, couldn't do it and moved home.. I was home for a few months then went back on my own.. I couldn't do it so I moved back home (with my parents) a year ago. Every morning (today, yesterday, etc) I get up and walk down the road and weigh myself out whatever pot I need.. At the end of the week I either borrow the money off my mother to pay my debts or I try to make enough legally to cover it, she says she doesn't mind as long as my dad doesn't find out and only if it's spend on pot.. She knows I can't function without it.

She lends me the money, she doesn't give it too me.. When I had tons of cash (17) i'd send them out to dinner and to the casino, she know's one day i'll pay her back and we keep track of the debt. Everyday I wake up i'm plagued with regret, sorrow, but mostly anger.. I can barely make it 20 minutes into the day without getting high.. When i'm not high (which is rare) I go crazy.. I can't even get out of bed, I just cry.. I'm a 22 year old male who quite honestly cries every-time he wakes up.. I get a MAD amount of negative flashbacks, the people i've wronged in my criminal days, the damage i've done to my parents, my health, my mental state.. I've thought about suicide plenty of times but as soon as I smoke that popper life is alright, I can function normally.

I don't do opiate's, benzo's, cocaine, hell I don't even drink (haven't since new years, probably because i'd spend that $20 on pot instead) but I smoke poppers religiously. If I smoke a joint it does nothing for me, if I smoke a cigarette it does nothing for me. If I smoke a bowl without tobacco it does nothing for me. So for the last 3 years i've been smoking a popper every 30 minutes, racking up my $10-20/day debt. Between school and marijuana I owe my parents ~$30,000 (20k school) and right now I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I still won't talk to my sister, she hasn't even made any attempt to talk to me about what happened...

So yes, I feel extremely ashamed posting about my "pot" addiction but I know I need to quit. My health has gone downhill quick and I can't afford this addiction.. I just simply cannot be sober, i'm afraid i'll hurt myself or someone else.

When i'm sober I walk around and i'll catch myself saying "two shots" outloud to myself and I can almost picture myself shooting someone, or crowds of people, it's extremely creepy and i've only realized recent that I do this.. For the record I got rid of all my guns after the sister experience as I had planned out her end and I couldn't risk pulling a crazy and damaging my parents like that. I don't have the access or balls or will to hurt anyone, I love everyone and everything on this planet.

I was hoping someone out there could relate, or something.. It does feel good to just vent, so I sincerely thank-you for reading this..I really want to be sober, badly.. It's just that pot serves it's purpose too well and I just keep suppressing these emotions deeper and deeper.

Lots of love,
Vices

PS: I was going to do a TL;DR but I don't even know how to summarize it all, i'm sorry.. I apologize for my lack of formatting and grammar
First of all, you have GOT to stop apologizing for everything. This is a safe place, where you can post till your fingers go blue from typing if you would like. Its a place to share your story and get ideas, information, and support.

Embrace who you are, there is nothing wrong with you as a person. Addiction makes you feel isolated, desperate, and pathetic. The thing is, that is your addiction, not who you really are. Kick the habit, and watch the new you emerge. Welcome!
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Old 06-13-2013, 10:12 PM
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Welcome to SR Vices. Thanks for sharing your story and no apologies are necessary here. This is a great place for support and encouragement in getting sober.

I think you'll feel tons better once you quit. I used to fall into the depths of deep depression when I was drinking. I quit completely just 4+ months ago, and I'm feeling so much better,...tons better. Ironically, the dialogue I had in my head when I quit was that I didn't want any more vices in my life. Also ironically, today I realized that I still had a stash of 6 grams of pot in my freezer, it's been there for 6 months or so. I flushed it all down the toilet, all 6 grams. No more vices.
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