seanie1888

Hi,

I was sober 5 months until last weekend, drank Fri and Sat nite.
Not full on, 10 beers Fri and 4 beers and bt wine on Sat, but enough to leave me bit cagie the next days.
I'd no cravings next morning and just got on with life them days.

But my head is all over the place now in middle of week.
I had been thinking full time about trying out drinking again and wondering was I an alcoholic or not, I have had a lot of problems with booze in the past but I'm wondering was i just a binge drinker and that I could wise up and drink like a normal person.

I was going to AA, but only 1 meeting per week or less, I was trying to learn their program and had been praying a lot.

I just wanted to test the water with booze again but I dont like the way it has meesed my head up.
I was feeling great about soberity the first 3 months but then the mental obsession started pestering me daily and I gave in.
The first good weekend of weather came and I used it as an excuse to drink.

So here I am now planning my next drink, how much, what will I drink etc
I just wish it had not got to this point.

I'm not even sure what i'm asking off ye all,
just felt I had to get it off my chest.

thanks for reading and listening

ScottFromWI

Thanks for sharing Seanie. I'm just past 5 months too and I've had those thoughts on and off too, I think everyone probably does. Just yesterday in fact I got an email from a friend about a 5 year anniversary party of my favorite brewpub and thought, man...wouldn't it be OK to just go have one and see everyone again?

Then I think back to where I was 5 months ago. And the time before that when I was in the ER because I thought I was having a heart attack but was actuallly just withdrawals. And the countless god awful, hung over days and sneaking drinks, etc.

You said you aren't sure what you are asking us, that's fine. Deep down though we know the ultimate question you ( and all of us ) need to ask ourself is whether or not we really WANT sobriety or not. And i think you actually know the question as you just put together 5 sober months - not a small feat by any stretch of the imagination.

Stay strong and stay with us, perhaps up your AA meeting attendance to if AA is working well when you go.

duane1

You might want to read some posts from members on how well their experiment with going back to moderated drinking went.

seanie1888

Thanks Scott,

Yeah had them chest pains myself, and ended up in hosiptal in Jan from my last week long binge.
Funny how it just rems us of the good times?
I had being feeling very hard done by also that i could not go out with my friends or wife and have the 'craic' not actual crack lol, you know us paddys!

Stay strong man because I'm wishing now that i was looking forward to my 6 months not trying to work out the scramble in my head

serious

if there's one thing i learned is that there is no "normal" drinking.
all alcohol consumption is abnormal...
is it "normal" to do a tiny bit of cocaine on Friday night? why not?
because it's illegal and not widely-accepted like alcohol?
alcohol is just as destructive and addicting as any other (legal or illegal) substance out there.
you've seen what it does to you and me.

there isn't any "normality" to this addiction.

thinking that it's a blessing to be able to drink like "all the others" like "normal people" is simply wrong. i learn and keep learning it the hard way.

true blessing is being sober. and staying sober.

least

I tried moderating many times, always failed. I found it easier to just stop altogether than to try to control it.

Jeni26

Sorry to hear about your stumble Seanie....what's important is that you get straight back up and do this thing again. Maybe you need to work a little harder at it, did you have a sponsor to help you work the program? Maybe 1 meeting wasn't enough?

Give it all you've got and you will be able to get rid of the brain fog and mental obsession....

Wishing you all the best. Relapse is misery I know xx

Olive1

I have often heard that people who are not alcoholics spend very little time thinking about alcohol.

Denial is very persistant.
I think you should give not drinking another stretch.

ScottFromWI

Yep, you had some bumps in the road for sure, but going 5 months is a great accomplishment. Think back to when you just had a few days or weeks and how several months of sobriety seemed like an impossible goal.

And the scrambles in our heads never go away, being sober just helps us sort them out much better. You'll get that 6 months again if you want it, just redouble your efforts.

nel68

Seanie pick yourself up and dust yourself off my friend. We all have those thoughts on drinking but unfortunately are switch in our brain is broken when it comes to alcohol. Start your sober journey again we will be here for you and try to quite that old evil AV its full of lies to you...Hang in there buddy♥
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step
You have accomplished a lot since I have known you, chin up pal..remember our class motto.. onward & upward♥

Soberpotamus

Thanks for posting about it, Seanie. Just get right back on the horse! We have to want sobriety more than we want the drinking. And it sounds like you want it, else you wouldn't be on here posting about it.

sandgirl

Seanie, keep going with the sobriety-you know it`s right. Denial is a killer! Yet so sneaky. With you!

ImperfectlyMe

Plans change.... Change yours!

SoberHappyHour

Hey buddy. Everyone is different. Personally, I think about the same thing as well as I'm now 6 months sober, but when I do there is an uncertainty as to whether or not I can drink in moderation and if I'm an alcoholic. Any amount of uncertainty is enough for me to not take the chance and possibly pay the consequences or even be unable to get back to where I am at now. I like to look at what I do have right now and sobriety has done nothing wrong to me. So why change it ?

2granddaughters

Did you have a sponsor, home group and active in the group?

Please read HOW IT WORKS and think on the words. Before AA about 5 months dry was my best too.

All the best.

Bob R

seanie1888

Thanks everyone these replys help a lot.

Just back from a meeting which was great, small crowd and I really got a lot of my chest.

Jeni and Bob no, I don't have a sponsor but do have home group. I do have fella in mind that I'm going to ask to help me through the steps.
I def was not going to enough meetings.

Everyone after meeting tonight was great, the fellowship is amazing.

Thanks me old bud Now, yeah onward and upward.

I was nearly going to drink again earlier but so grateful I didn't.
I feel stronger now after my meeting but know I must work at it.
In a way I kinda feel good I gave in and slipped because its just reinforced to me that I can ever drink normal again.

Thanks again to all for words.

big love
Sean

faceitandfixit

Hey Sean, glad you came back and posted. My good thoughts and prayers are with you, that you find your way again. Onward and upward, my friend! xo

ImperfectlyMe

I'm glad you've turned your negative into a positive. You relit you flame hold it close to you if and when it gets dark again.

Great job!!!

Dee74

Some great advice here Seanie.
When I drank again it awoke all my monsters too.

Make sure you do all the right things to slay them again, mate

D

Nighthawk8820

Dangerous thinking my friend. That is how most people relapse. They start thinking maybe it wasn't as bad as they thought or maybe they aren't actually even alcoholics. Its a trick the addiction plays. If you weren't addicted, you wouldn't be thinking about it non stop now after having a bit.

I think it can be part of the process, as long as you learn from it and carry that lesson onward when you try sobriety again. Then its not a failure, but a learning process. It happens a lot in addiction, so you aren't alone. Be honest with yourself, truly honest. If alcohol didn't have control over you right now, would you be thinking about it SO much?

Also, a side note.........the first 90 days are tough, and around the 60 and 90 day marker, you may experience PAWS. I suggest you research it, because it can play with your emotional state and thoughts.