Willingness
Grateful
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Willingness
I think that willingness is paramount for me to stay sober today. I think a lot of people have heard the expression "willing to go to any length to stay sober".
Here is the definition of willing:
1. disposed or consenting; inclined: willing to go along.
2. cheerfully consenting or ready: a willing worker.
3. done, given, borne, used, etc., with cheerful readiness.
The question is are we really willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober? IMO to get and STAY sober we have to be willing to do anything. Ask yourself if you were willing to do anything for your addiction. Were you willing to hide it? Were you willing to suffer hangovers the next day? Were you willing to spend money you couldn't afford to buy it? Were you willing to lose relationships to continue it? Were you willing to go to jail for it? Were you willing to lose your health for it? Were you willing to die for it?
You have to be as willing to stay sober as you were to keep drinking/drugging. Without this willingness the odds are stacked against you. But what is it that we must be willing to do? For me I must be willing to try the suggestions of those that have gotten and stayed sober. There are many such people here at SR and they use many different methods. But they all have one thing in common, they were willing to become teachable.
So if you want to get sober and stay that way but you haven't been able to, then you might consider whether or not you have been willing to go to any length to do so. I know it's not an easy thing to do. Actually it is very hard, that is why relapse is a fairly common occurrence with addiction. Some of us (me) can be very stubborn when it comes to being willing to give up something that we thought helped us cope with life. I had to be beaten down into submission before I became willing to go to any length to stay sober. And the hard part is that when I get up tomorrow I have to be willing to go to any length to stay sober all over again.
I am 52 years old and today is the start of day 58 sober. I have been willing to get sober before but I took my will back when some of the suggestions offered to me seemed too difficult. I now know that nothing can be any more difficult than the last few years of my drinking was...all because I was not willing.
Here is the definition of willing:
1. disposed or consenting; inclined: willing to go along.
2. cheerfully consenting or ready: a willing worker.
3. done, given, borne, used, etc., with cheerful readiness.
The question is are we really willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober? IMO to get and STAY sober we have to be willing to do anything. Ask yourself if you were willing to do anything for your addiction. Were you willing to hide it? Were you willing to suffer hangovers the next day? Were you willing to spend money you couldn't afford to buy it? Were you willing to lose relationships to continue it? Were you willing to go to jail for it? Were you willing to lose your health for it? Were you willing to die for it?
You have to be as willing to stay sober as you were to keep drinking/drugging. Without this willingness the odds are stacked against you. But what is it that we must be willing to do? For me I must be willing to try the suggestions of those that have gotten and stayed sober. There are many such people here at SR and they use many different methods. But they all have one thing in common, they were willing to become teachable.
So if you want to get sober and stay that way but you haven't been able to, then you might consider whether or not you have been willing to go to any length to do so. I know it's not an easy thing to do. Actually it is very hard, that is why relapse is a fairly common occurrence with addiction. Some of us (me) can be very stubborn when it comes to being willing to give up something that we thought helped us cope with life. I had to be beaten down into submission before I became willing to go to any length to stay sober. And the hard part is that when I get up tomorrow I have to be willing to go to any length to stay sober all over again.
I am 52 years old and today is the start of day 58 sober. I have been willing to get sober before but I took my will back when some of the suggestions offered to me seemed too difficult. I now know that nothing can be any more difficult than the last few years of my drinking was...all because I was not willing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 226
Brilliant post, Grunge. Willingness indeed. Willingness to learn, to trust, to change, to ask for help, all things I was appallingly bad at doing but needed to get sober and still need to stay that way. Thanks for the post.
Grateful
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
The way I see it "will" and "willingness" are two completely different things.
Here is the definition of will:
1. the faculty of conscious and especially of deliberate action; the power of control the mind has over its own actions: the freedom of the will.
2. power of choosing one's own actions: to have a strong or a weak will.
3. the act or process of using or asserting one's choice; volition: My hands are obedient to my will.
4. wish or desire: to submit against one's will.
5. purpose or determination, often hearty or stubborn determination; willfulness: to have the will to succeed.
Here is the definition of willpower:
1. control of one's impulses and actions; self-control.
Here is the definition of self-will:
1. stubborn or obstinate willfulness, as in pursuing one's own wishes, aims, etc.
I actually see willingness and will as opposites when it comes to getting sober. Willingness is a state of mind. In the definitions of willingness it mentions the words "consenting" and "ready". To me that implies that you are allowing something to happen. When you look at will, willpower, or self-will it's all about control.
When it comes to getting sober you actually need to be willing to let go of that control. Most people can't control their addiction...the more we try the more we fail. If we could control our addiction it wouldn't be an addiction.
We have to let go of self-will and give up the idea that we can control our addiction. That's where willingness comes in. We have to be willing to give up the idea that we can control our drinking/drugging. Anyone who has tried to quit over and over and failed knows from experience how well self-control works.
So the first steps of sobriety are the willingness to admit we can't control our addiction and become willing to try a different approach (or plan) to stay sober. When it comes to addiction our own will is a negative and our willingness is a positive.
Here is the definition of will:
1. the faculty of conscious and especially of deliberate action; the power of control the mind has over its own actions: the freedom of the will.
2. power of choosing one's own actions: to have a strong or a weak will.
3. the act or process of using or asserting one's choice; volition: My hands are obedient to my will.
4. wish or desire: to submit against one's will.
5. purpose or determination, often hearty or stubborn determination; willfulness: to have the will to succeed.
Here is the definition of willpower:
1. control of one's impulses and actions; self-control.
Here is the definition of self-will:
1. stubborn or obstinate willfulness, as in pursuing one's own wishes, aims, etc.
I actually see willingness and will as opposites when it comes to getting sober. Willingness is a state of mind. In the definitions of willingness it mentions the words "consenting" and "ready". To me that implies that you are allowing something to happen. When you look at will, willpower, or self-will it's all about control.
When it comes to getting sober you actually need to be willing to let go of that control. Most people can't control their addiction...the more we try the more we fail. If we could control our addiction it wouldn't be an addiction.
We have to let go of self-will and give up the idea that we can control our addiction. That's where willingness comes in. We have to be willing to give up the idea that we can control our drinking/drugging. Anyone who has tried to quit over and over and failed knows from experience how well self-control works.
So the first steps of sobriety are the willingness to admit we can't control our addiction and become willing to try a different approach (or plan) to stay sober. When it comes to addiction our own will is a negative and our willingness is a positive.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I just had lunch with a dear old friend. We've known each other since grade school ..and although lifelong friends..drinking buddies also. I had texted her to have lunch knowing she just did a little stint in detox. I told her I had 12 days sobriety so let's get together. Her 13 years old daughter is having psychological issues/suicidal thoughts and has begged her not to drink.
We discussed drinking and her answer was "but I like drinking". We just parted as she was on her way to an AA meeting. She is currently trying to "moderate" her drinking. I asked her to consider complete abstinence for a month as she is having marital issues as well and says she should leave. I tried to urge her to make no decisions..drinking.
What I see is..she is not willing yet. If you're not willing, you can't. That simple.
We discussed drinking and her answer was "but I like drinking". We just parted as she was on her way to an AA meeting. She is currently trying to "moderate" her drinking. I asked her to consider complete abstinence for a month as she is having marital issues as well and says she should leave. I tried to urge her to make no decisions..drinking.
What I see is..she is not willing yet. If you're not willing, you can't. That simple.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 126
I recommend the book THE WILLPOWER INSTINCT by Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D. I took her Willpower Instinct class at Stanford a few months ago. It's amazing how much I learned about willpower from the class and book. A lot of what I learned was counterintuitive. For example, "Trying to suppress thoughts, emotions, and cravings backfires and makes you more likely to think, feel, or do the thing you most want to avoid."
I never succeeded in stopping drinking using willpower, but once I "let go" it became easy for me.
Another idea from the book - "Self-control is like a muscle. It gets tired from use, but regular exercise makes it stronger." In other words, you have a limited amount of willpower so use it on the important things.
Anyway, the book has helped change my life for the better.
I never succeeded in stopping drinking using willpower, but once I "let go" it became easy for me.
Another idea from the book - "Self-control is like a muscle. It gets tired from use, but regular exercise makes it stronger." In other words, you have a limited amount of willpower so use it on the important things.
Anyway, the book has helped change my life for the better.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Grungehead 
I think that willingness is paramount for me to stay sober today. I think a lot of people have heard the expression "willing to go to any length to stay sober".
Here is the definition of willing:
1. disposed or consenting; inclined: willing to go along.
2. cheerfully consenting or ready: a willing worker.
3. done, given, borne, used, etc., with cheerful readiness.
The question is are we really willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober? IMO to get and STAY sober we have to be willing to do anything. Ask yourself if you were willing to do anything for your addiction. Were you willing to hide it? Were you willing to suffer hangovers the next day? Were you willing to spend money you couldn't afford to buy it? Were you willing to lose relationships to continue it? Were you willing to go to jail for it? Were you willing to lose your health for it? Were you willing to die for it?
You have to be as willing to stay sober as you were to keep drinking/drugging. Without this willingness the odds are stacked against you. But what is it that we must be willing to do? For me I must be willing to try the suggestions of those that have gotten and stayed sober. There are many such people here at SR and they use many different methods. But they all have one thing in common, they were willing to become teachable.
So if you want to get sober and stay that way but you haven't been able to, then you might consider whether or not you have been willing to go to any length to do so. I know it's not an easy thing to do. Actually it is very hard, that is why relapse is a fairly common occurrence with addiction. Some of us (me) can be very stubborn when it comes to being willing to give up something that we thought helped us cope with life. I had to be beaten down into submission before I became willing to go to any length to stay sober. And the hard part is that when I get up tomorrow I have to be willing to go to any length to stay sober all over again.
I am 52 years old and today is the start of day 58 sober. I have been willing to get sober before but I took my will back when some of the suggestions offered to me seemed too difficult. I now know that nothing can be any more difficult than the last few years of my drinking was...all because I was not willing.
Here is the definition of willing:
1. disposed or consenting; inclined: willing to go along.
2. cheerfully consenting or ready: a willing worker.
3. done, given, borne, used, etc., with cheerful readiness.
The question is are we really willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober? IMO to get and STAY sober we have to be willing to do anything. Ask yourself if you were willing to do anything for your addiction. Were you willing to hide it? Were you willing to suffer hangovers the next day? Were you willing to spend money you couldn't afford to buy it? Were you willing to lose relationships to continue it? Were you willing to go to jail for it? Were you willing to lose your health for it? Were you willing to die for it?
You have to be as willing to stay sober as you were to keep drinking/drugging. Without this willingness the odds are stacked against you. But what is it that we must be willing to do? For me I must be willing to try the suggestions of those that have gotten and stayed sober. There are many such people here at SR and they use many different methods. But they all have one thing in common, they were willing to become teachable.
So if you want to get sober and stay that way but you haven't been able to, then you might consider whether or not you have been willing to go to any length to do so. I know it's not an easy thing to do. Actually it is very hard, that is why relapse is a fairly common occurrence with addiction. Some of us (me) can be very stubborn when it comes to being willing to give up something that we thought helped us cope with life. I had to be beaten down into submission before I became willing to go to any length to stay sober. And the hard part is that when I get up tomorrow I have to be willing to go to any length to stay sober all over again.
I am 52 years old and today is the start of day 58 sober. I have been willing to get sober before but I took my will back when some of the suggestions offered to me seemed too difficult. I now know that nothing can be any more difficult than the last few years of my drinking was...all because I was not willing.
That is an excellent question that I think everyone entering recovery should ask, because it really is something you have to put all of yourself into. Be selfish if you need to, whatever it takes to get sober. For me, I was more than willing...........I was desperate to get back even a sliver of who I had once been. I committed my heart and soul to being sober, and I still do everyday.
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