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Can't freaking stop

Old 06-14-2013, 10:41 AM
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Mizzuno, Newhope... kudos to you for sharing with MLC your stories as children of alcoholics/addicts. I wanted to say I can relate to some of the things you shared...

MLC... I've only posted once in your thread, and that was to suggest inpatient treatment immediately.

I hope that you take to heart these peoples' stories of what it was like for the CHILDREN to suffer and to have to grow up faster than any child should living with addict parents... it's just a terrible thing.

I was the only child of an alcoholic. I had to take my mom off life support just three years ago. They ruled her death a suicide. She overdosed on prescription drugs. Like Mizzuno, I was forced at a very early age, 12 yrs old, to make the adult decision to remove myself from my mother's home due to neglect. It traumatizes a child to have to live this kind of life. Abandonment, shame, rage issues for a lifetime...

I hope you realize you are toying with your childrens' lives. Please get help immediately.
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Old 06-14-2013, 01:09 PM
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Great words SoberJennie. You're a strong woman. And MLC, you really should decide whether or not you're happier on those pills rather than being sober and consider every factor including the constant need for more. Why should you rely on any drug to make ou happy. That's not how life is supposed to be. But most of all, like they have mentioned, you have to think about your family first. Do your children deserve that ? Who doesn't want their mother around for as long as possible and sober ? As far as telling your husband, I just ask you one question. Would you want him to hide anything from you ? Make the right choices. Good luck.
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Old 06-14-2013, 01:28 PM
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I think it's Saturday morning now where you are MLC. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know it won't be an easy day at all, but be strong and remember you only need go through this period once. I was dead miserable for 3-4 months after giving up alcohol, but I was certain that I would just do it once, and never again. If you commit yourself to sobriety then the knowledge that you only need to readjust once can be something that really helps, I found.

God bless you today, MLC.
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Old 06-14-2013, 02:11 PM
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Good morning. Day one. I have some withdrawals but no drugs for me.

Thank you for sharing hour stories everyone, I am sorry you went through all of that. I would like to reply more personally but I have a splitting headache. Just know that I appreciate it and am sorry for all you had to grow up with.

That certainly isn't my children's life, not even close but I suppose it could be if I continue to use. I can't imagine letting my children grow up like that or put them through that but I know how drugs quickly cloud your judgement and change everything. Believe me when I say I have been clean their whole lives and I have put everything into parenting them, I honestly have....and I've lost myself and fallen back on what I know, and what's easy. I hate myself for it.

No one has to tell me how special my children are or that they deserve me clean. I know that, and I am again getting off these drugs for them. I do not resent them in the slightest I just wish I knew how to do this for me. I wish I was motivated to do this for me. I want them to have a mother that loves herself.

Those saying I need rehab. I agree with you!! There is no need to keep telling me that. I've thought of every option possible but I cannot just leave the kids in the house by themselves! I would dearly love to go and get a head start on sorting my head out but I am going to have to do it with the limited resources that I have.

Anyway, thanks again to those who shared their stories, I am really grateful and really sorry for what you went through and j certainly don't want that and if I stop now they out have that. Thanks also to those who keep checking in on me.

Day one.
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Old 06-14-2013, 02:41 PM
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I am grateful for MLC and want her to be healthy.
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Old 06-14-2013, 02:45 PM
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Wow this thread has gotten pretty crazy! MLC, I hope you really stay true to your promise to stop. For your kids and husband, but especially for you. I hope you can learn to live for your happiness- living for everyone else hasn't worked. You're like a cat with nine lives, you keep on keeping on. I just hope you don't run out of lives. Fight!
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Old 06-14-2013, 03:20 PM
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Thank you both
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Old 06-14-2013, 03:53 PM
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Hi midlife, day one for me too, its hard I know. Truly wish you all the best, it can seem hopeless at times but things can change, we've got to grit our teeth and get through these horrible angst filled first few weeks. Take care. x
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Old 06-14-2013, 04:14 PM
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Thanks and good luck to you! Feeling positive so far!
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Old 06-14-2013, 04:36 PM
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Well, Mid, really sorry to see you lost the plot on this one. I was most upset when folks hammered you for getting some pain meds for your medical issue, but now to see you reverted to snorting them is just so disheartening.

I'm not blaming you, just hoping you see the insidiousness and danger of addiction.

I think you hold the record for supportive posts on a single thread in such a short time. Also disheartening is your immediate defensive posture to those who have shared the horrors of being in households with addictive parents or how you would never let those things happen to your children. Damage is being done to those kids as we speak.

You have a kid in high school and you think he or she doesn't know exactly what's going on with you or that damage isn't being done right now?

You know, you keep thinking this is a battle of will power. I see in your posts a total lack of willingness to surrender to the fact that you are an addict and need immediate inpatient help.

The next time you post "I would love to go into rehab but I can't because of my five kids," just turn that around to this: "My five kids are the biggest excuse in the world for me to continue using and thank God they are here because they are the only thing keeping me from being institutionalized for the drug addict I am and heck if I didn't have them as an excuse I would be locked up sober somewhere and I sure don't want to be sober." You don't want to be sober. You want to be stoned. Because you are an addict like me. Your thinking is extraordinarily skewed and the addict in you has you completely snowed.

The real sad part of that is that you have convinced yourself that you are being a responsible mom putting your kids before rehab by seeing no clear way around the logistics of their care while you would be away instead of seeing what we see, that you are exposing them to clear danger and at the very least some severe emotional problems down the line.

And, yes, you are on Day One right now only because you don't have your drugs. But you will be able to score them when the script is available next week, right?

I also see absent in your recent posts any reference to being in pain which caused you to go the ER in the first place.

Listen, this isn't about will power. It's about surrender. You need to surrender and check yourself in to the first rehab that will take you. Just give up. Roll over. Accept defeat. It's the only way I could climb out of addiction. I quit fighting it and just accepted it and did what a few other dozen folks ahead of you here in this thread have done.

And now your mind is going to do what my addictive mind would do: Start making a mental list of the 63 reasons why you can't check into rehab right now. I'll start it for you: My job, my husband will leave me, the kids have no place to go, there's soccer practice tomorrow, I live so far away, I need my surgery, there are no NA meetings here.......You finish it...
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Old 06-14-2013, 04:44 PM
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Memphis! No you have me completely wrong.


I said I want to go to rehab.l several times. I would love to, I think I need it. But what do I do with the kids? Wow. I am really frustrated right now. I never said I was responsible for not going to rehab! Never! It's just not an option, I need to lean on the resources I already have more. I don't mind being institutionalised and I am not using them as a convenient excuse, no way. Who will look after them? Honestly? Five children who need to go to school etc. do you have kids?

I never said i wouldn't put my kids through that!!!! It's just that I haven't and I wouldn't want people to get the idea that my kids are hungry or dirty or living in squalor!!! They are absolutely not. But I said I know how drugs cloud me and we could very well end up there if I am not careful which is why I need to stop this.

And I do see I am risking emotional problems for them!!! I have never said otherwise. I go to bed every single night and pray 'lord please help me be a better mother, and please stand in the gap for where I have failed and heal them.' You cannot say that only you people on here can see that! I am their mother and no one cares more than I do.

I am an addict just like the rest of you. I just happen to talk about my children alot and I get hammered for being a crap mum, something I hammer myself about enough It doesn't go away just because I have kids. But heck I am trying.

I am scared of my husband leaving yes. That it a real concern for me, a real person with feelings.

And now all my physical pain is back and because I can't control my meds I have to just live with it.

I don't want to be in this situation. I won't let my kids grow up with anything but the best. So I am getting clean today. No more.

Memphis you have been great support to me in the past. I am not unwilling . I just share all my feelings and thoughts on here. I am sure they are not unlike the private thoughts of other addicts. Or am I unique???? I don't think so. I haut wear my heart on my sleeve and post exactly what I am thinking.
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Old 06-14-2013, 04:49 PM
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I do not feel "re-hab" has a potential good outcome...coming to a realization of what you need to do, for yourself first, not for the children is first and foremost.

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Old 06-14-2013, 04:51 PM
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Originally Posted by raku View Post
I do not feel "re-hab" has a potential good outcome...coming to a realization of what you need to do, for yourself first, not for the children is first and foremost.

raku
Thank you.

I really have the feeling I would have been better off not sharing my feelings and my relapse on here. I am getting clean today. I have spent my children's life being clean and doing the best I can for them and they want for nothing except now they need me present and I will be. I've had a slip just like any other addict and I am posting here for support and understanding
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Old 06-14-2013, 04:58 PM
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I'm really sorry that you feel that way MLC.

one think strikes me reading through here again.

If you can't go to rehab because of your kids, I think you need to apply that to other things too - 'I can't abuse my meds and get high because of my kids', 'I have to find other ways to deal with this situation because of my kids', 'I need to be prepared to go out of my way - even to be inconvenienced - to find help because of my kids', and 'I need to be honest and open and reach out for help with everyone because of my kids'.

I'm not sure what else I can add cos honestly? we seem to be coming from completely different directions right now.

D
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Old 06-14-2013, 05:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I'm really sorry that you feel that way MLC.

one think strikes me reading through here again.

If you can't go to rehab because of your kids, I think you need to apply that to other things too - 'I can't abuse my meds and get high because of my kids', 'I have to find other ways to deal with this situation because of my kids', 'I need to be prepared to go out of my way - even to be inconvenienced - to find help because of my kids', and 'I need to be honest and open and reach out for help with everyone because of my kids'.

I'm not sure what else I can add cos honestly? we seem to be coming from completely different directions right now.

D
That's what I'm doing. Like I said I'm getting clean today for my kids. I've always gotten clean for my kids! I don't know how to make that any clearer.

How are we coming from different directions? I do not understand. I feel like I'm speaking Chinese.

If someone would like to come here, have a police check because I don't know you and look after my kids so I can go to rehab I would welcome you with open arms. Sometimes life does not allow. If anyone had suggestions as to how I can make it work by all means I am open ears. Instead of just telling me I am making excuses. What do I do with the kids!??

I am gojng to counselling, gojng toxins a psych and gojng to talk to my pastor about starting a recovery group from the church.
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Old 06-14-2013, 05:11 PM
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MLC,
What are your plans for your follow up appointment next week with your doctor for your shoulder pain?
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Old 06-14-2013, 05:12 PM
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MLC, you are doing good work. Some of the conversations here may not be helpful to you right now. Please focus on you and your recovery for awhile.
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Old 06-14-2013, 05:17 PM
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I'm sorry, but you have NOT "spent your your children's life being clean and doing the best for them"

good grief, you just got OUT of rehab this MONTH, then back to the doctor for the scheduled surgery/pain, then more pills, then back in the cycle. how long did it take to decide you were going to snort it all....(while watching the soccer game)?

we all read your last 3 months of posts when you weren't sober/clean at all..... you certainly were not clean for your children's lives at this time.

I really hope that you will see the reality of the situation and stop glossing over your problem.

and I hope that your husband gets a plan in place for childcare. a 2 year old needs a sober mother, not one in withdrawal or snorting oxy and tramadol.
please consider calling someone to take care of the kids.
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Old 06-14-2013, 05:18 PM
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The kids, loveingness that they provide, will come and go, at their own times... perhaps now is a time for you to take care of yourself, with all the meaningfulness that is required, JUST FOR YOU !!!

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Old 06-14-2013, 05:18 PM
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Pondlady, I am going to make an appointment with my proper doctor. Maybe not this week, the pain is awful but I think I will just have to deal
With it. If I go this week I am not sure j will be strong enough but I obviously need to talk about non narcotic options. I really need this surgery

I found out that I may be able to get it done locally for around $1000. At the end of the year when I am back at work I will be able to afford that. That is most likely sooner than the public hospital can offer.

I am also going to see my physio friend who does acupuncture this week after pay day on wednesday. When I see the doc I am going to take hubby with me.

Thanks iwabthealth.
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