Can't freaking stop
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Originally Posted by InperfectlyMe 
Crying is ok as ling as you're feeling and processing! If I could give you a hug.... Know I would
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Location: Portland, OR
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: NYC
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I also wanted other people to see my face to remember that I'm actually a real person. I do have feelings.
And sometimes the things we need to hear are the last thing in the world we want to hear.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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No it's fine. I don't want to go there too much. Everyone is great. It's not even been this thread really. Comments about my kids really hurt, nobody could care more about my children than i do, except for god.....And I've been called a whinger when I'm just desperately sad. I wear my heart in my sleeve perhaps more than others, it doesn't make me bad.
Thanks.
Thanks.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I didn't understand a few posts but I'm sure noone is trying to grind you down or make you feel small MLC.
But you've heard from folks here who were kids with addicted parents, or addicted parents - you heard from folks who've had their kids taken away, or from people who've had loved ones die.
It worries me that you seem to suggest your situation is different to that...because it's just not.
We all have the best intent in the world - but you're simply not in control when you're in active addiction - noone is. It's like trying to bring a cyclone to heel.
Love is not enough. Being a good person is not enough.
That's the scary thing .
That's what I think most people have been trying to share with you here over the last 8 pages.
I'm glad tomorrow is day one
D
But you've heard from folks here who were kids with addicted parents, or addicted parents - you heard from folks who've had their kids taken away, or from people who've had loved ones die.
It worries me that you seem to suggest your situation is different to that...because it's just not.
We all have the best intent in the world - but you're simply not in control when you're in active addiction - noone is. It's like trying to bring a cyclone to heel.
Love is not enough. Being a good person is not enough.
That's the scary thing .
That's what I think most people have been trying to share with you here over the last 8 pages.
I'm glad tomorrow is day one
D
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I've been reading this thread, but not commenting until now.
I think what worries me most is that you stated up a couple of pages that your got "rid" of the tramadol and Oxy....but you didn't flush them or throw them in the trash. you just used/snorted them up? (if I am wrong please correct me). you are stopping because they are just gone? or are you going to get more.
I have no doubt that you care for your children, but how can you properly parent and guide them (especially a 2 year old) when you do this?
I hope you get back into a structured environment to detox again and someone else can care for your children. it is time to reach out to your church for help? or child services.
please consider their welfare.
I think what worries me most is that you stated up a couple of pages that your got "rid" of the tramadol and Oxy....but you didn't flush them or throw them in the trash. you just used/snorted them up? (if I am wrong please correct me). you are stopping because they are just gone? or are you going to get more.
I have no doubt that you care for your children, but how can you properly parent and guide them (especially a 2 year old) when you do this?
I hope you get back into a structured environment to detox again and someone else can care for your children. it is time to reach out to your church for help? or child services.
please consider their welfare.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,065
Absolutely and I am ever so grateful for everyone who has shared their stories and support. I really do try to make that clear. I don't like to miss a
Single post or seem like I am ignoring anyone.
Dee, I just tried to pm you about something else but I can't. Is there anyway to contact you?
Single post or seem like I am ignoring anyone.
Dee, I just tried to pm you about something else but I can't. Is there anyway to contact you?
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
MLC, I've honestly come to care about you, and I've told you before that I feel such a connection to your story, because much of what you share is my own experience and feelings.
Because of that I am going to share some of my experience and feelings and you can determine whether or not any of it pertains to you.
OK, getting scary honest...I resented my husband and kids. Deep down I didn't want to be responsible for so many people, a home, a job etc. I loved them...truly and deeply, but it felt so overwhelming and they all needed SO much. So on the surface I was a good mom...took care of their needs and resented the heck out of it.
My excuse to use, cut, drink, starve myself, binge eat, cheat on my ex. Part of me felt like I deserved to indulge, then I felt guilty, then I'd hurt myself to make up for it, and try to be a better mom/wife. Then the resentment, etc etc.
I honestly feel that I dove deeply into active addiction to make it impossible for me to continue caring for them. I wanted out...one way or another, either by being wasted all the time, or making my ex so angry he'd leave, or kick me out or whatever...I even tried suicide. I wanted to be free. I didn't want that life anymore and I was too ashamed to admit it, even to myself.
So, I jumped on the "poor me/helpless addict/ anorexic/mental illness/chronic relapsing" cylce. Drama, people feeling sorry for me, wanting someone to save me...it never being enough....but it was a distraction and it made me LOOK like I was trying my level best...but the truth was I wasn't. I tried to convince even ME that I was doing my best...but i wasn't. Because I was afraid to pull the plug on people feeling sorry for me and not blaming me. I didn't want to admit that I was sick of that life, sick of me, and wanted out.
It is a coincidence that I got clean and stayed cleam IMMEDIATELY after my divorce...when I was no longer responsible for any of that? I don't think so. I lost everything, which scared the heck out of me, but on another level was a relief.
I no longer had to hold it together for others, play the "poor me" game, or pretend I was the good wife, mom, homemaker.
Pretending that you'll quit because the drugs will be gone is a lie. There are always ways to find drugs. Sorry, that reasoning will get you nowhere on a place like this. Old story, we've all told ourselves that.
I don't know if my story is true of you. But there it is.
Because of that I am going to share some of my experience and feelings and you can determine whether or not any of it pertains to you.
OK, getting scary honest...I resented my husband and kids. Deep down I didn't want to be responsible for so many people, a home, a job etc. I loved them...truly and deeply, but it felt so overwhelming and they all needed SO much. So on the surface I was a good mom...took care of their needs and resented the heck out of it.
My excuse to use, cut, drink, starve myself, binge eat, cheat on my ex. Part of me felt like I deserved to indulge, then I felt guilty, then I'd hurt myself to make up for it, and try to be a better mom/wife. Then the resentment, etc etc.
I honestly feel that I dove deeply into active addiction to make it impossible for me to continue caring for them. I wanted out...one way or another, either by being wasted all the time, or making my ex so angry he'd leave, or kick me out or whatever...I even tried suicide. I wanted to be free. I didn't want that life anymore and I was too ashamed to admit it, even to myself.
So, I jumped on the "poor me/helpless addict/ anorexic/mental illness/chronic relapsing" cylce. Drama, people feeling sorry for me, wanting someone to save me...it never being enough....but it was a distraction and it made me LOOK like I was trying my level best...but the truth was I wasn't. I tried to convince even ME that I was doing my best...but i wasn't. Because I was afraid to pull the plug on people feeling sorry for me and not blaming me. I didn't want to admit that I was sick of that life, sick of me, and wanted out.
It is a coincidence that I got clean and stayed cleam IMMEDIATELY after my divorce...when I was no longer responsible for any of that? I don't think so. I lost everything, which scared the heck out of me, but on another level was a relief.
I no longer had to hold it together for others, play the "poor me" game, or pretend I was the good wife, mom, homemaker.
Pretending that you'll quit because the drugs will be gone is a lie. There are always ways to find drugs. Sorry, that reasoning will get you nowhere on a place like this. Old story, we've all told ourselves that.
I don't know if my story is true of you. But there it is.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
PS. Tell your husband. He has the right to know as your spouse and because these are his kids to. No matter the consequences to yourself it is unconscionable to not tell him the truth. You own him and the children that.
This is NOT just about you. If you are the good mom you claim to be, fess up now.
This is NOT just about you. If you are the good mom you claim to be, fess up now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Originally Posted by Midlifecrisis
Thank you Wiscober.
I do post encouragement on as many threads as I can. Then I feel stupid because I don't think I have the right. I was in recovery for over ten years but yeah, at the moment, no.
I feel like I shouldn't be posting but I hate not letting you guys know that I appreciate your long responses.
So thanks.
I do post encouragement on as many threads as I can. Then I feel stupid because I don't think I have the right. I was in recovery for over ten years but yeah, at the moment, no.
I feel like I shouldn't be posting but I hate not letting you guys know that I appreciate your long responses.
So thanks.
your addiction has you so blinded and in denial.
I wish you happiness...and at least one day of abstinence -- just so you have a chance...
In Alanon many of us parents have written out and rehearsed our goodbyes and eulogies to our children and family...a father's worse nightmare...but we have to detach and prepare ourselves for when the son or daughter, mother or father, never lives clean and sober and dies from the addiction.
Is this overboard and extreme? Maybe, but it really does have to be my last post to you...I am sure many more people will want to help you...I hope that you will help yourself....
MLC Peace and Happiness Always to you and your family
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,443
Originally Posted by Midlifecrisis
Imperfect, it's not the money, it's the kids and my job which make it impossible. It's ok though. I know I can get better.
The 30, 60 or 90 days are going to go by anyway....time marches on......why not spend the 30, 60, 90 days getting professional help with recovery?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
MLC,
The first person that I ever loved in my life was my mother. She was the most amazing person to me. I followed her around everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I had enough strength in myself at 10 years old to turn my mother in to the police for drug use. I wanted OUT, and even though I loved her and couldnt bear the thought that she would go to jail, I wanted desperately to be put into the care of strangers... There was no way that I could stay with her. She flushed the drugs down the toilet and I was left in that nightmare of a situation. She would not and still has not ( as far as I know) gotten clean. The issues that I have regarding my parents and their drug use are enough to send anybody over the edge. You say that no one loves your children more than you do. Once again children are smarter and more aware than we give them credit for.
I struggle with forgiveness towards my mother who was a massive drug addict, and my father who was an abusive drunk. These people should not have left me homeless and should have given me up ( along with my siblings) to the state. Being homeless at the age of 12 years old is gut wrenching. There was no one to turn to. I had to be responsible before I knew what responsible meant. Now that i am 33, I am finally in University getting an education that I need and have always wanted. The struggles from my childhood and into my adult life were insane, and honestly it was all because of my parents and the lack of a home and love. This screws a person up big time. I have spent countless hours in therapy and thousands of dollars trying to sort out my abandonment issues. I chose to not have any children of my own, for the simple fact that I did not want them to experience any part of what i went through. If you think that children do not adopt or learn from their parents, think again!! My own mother said that she didnt know how to love and so that meant that she did not love me. My own problems with substance abuse started at 14 and I have been trying to get it right ever since. I believe that genetics and environment play a huge role in our future drug use and decline, at least in my case. This is a family affair. In my opinion. So, you do not have any more drugs until the middle of next week? Have you considered calling your doc and letting them know that the pills that will be available for you need to be stopped? It needs to be stopped.
Please understand that you can go a lot deeper than just snorting those pills. I am a child of a drug addict. I struggle with addiction. I was not given the best shot at life. I struggle with forgiveness. This can and will be your children. Do you want that? I am responsible for myself and the problems that i have regarding my own alcoholism. I am not playing a victim. I am truly saying that it is your responsibility to raise those children in the best environment possible. A home that is fee of drugs and an absent parent. Your husband has every right to know what his children are being subjected too. I post this because I care and because I know what this is all about. Please do the right thing MLC.
The first person that I ever loved in my life was my mother. She was the most amazing person to me. I followed her around everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I had enough strength in myself at 10 years old to turn my mother in to the police for drug use. I wanted OUT, and even though I loved her and couldnt bear the thought that she would go to jail, I wanted desperately to be put into the care of strangers... There was no way that I could stay with her. She flushed the drugs down the toilet and I was left in that nightmare of a situation. She would not and still has not ( as far as I know) gotten clean. The issues that I have regarding my parents and their drug use are enough to send anybody over the edge. You say that no one loves your children more than you do. Once again children are smarter and more aware than we give them credit for.
I struggle with forgiveness towards my mother who was a massive drug addict, and my father who was an abusive drunk. These people should not have left me homeless and should have given me up ( along with my siblings) to the state. Being homeless at the age of 12 years old is gut wrenching. There was no one to turn to. I had to be responsible before I knew what responsible meant. Now that i am 33, I am finally in University getting an education that I need and have always wanted. The struggles from my childhood and into my adult life were insane, and honestly it was all because of my parents and the lack of a home and love. This screws a person up big time. I have spent countless hours in therapy and thousands of dollars trying to sort out my abandonment issues. I chose to not have any children of my own, for the simple fact that I did not want them to experience any part of what i went through. If you think that children do not adopt or learn from their parents, think again!! My own mother said that she didnt know how to love and so that meant that she did not love me. My own problems with substance abuse started at 14 and I have been trying to get it right ever since. I believe that genetics and environment play a huge role in our future drug use and decline, at least in my case. This is a family affair. In my opinion. So, you do not have any more drugs until the middle of next week? Have you considered calling your doc and letting them know that the pills that will be available for you need to be stopped? It needs to be stopped.
Please understand that you can go a lot deeper than just snorting those pills. I am a child of a drug addict. I struggle with addiction. I was not given the best shot at life. I struggle with forgiveness. This can and will be your children. Do you want that? I am responsible for myself and the problems that i have regarding my own alcoholism. I am not playing a victim. I am truly saying that it is your responsibility to raise those children in the best environment possible. A home that is fee of drugs and an absent parent. Your husband has every right to know what his children are being subjected too. I post this because I care and because I know what this is all about. Please do the right thing MLC.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Mizzuno, your post brought to tears to my eyes. What you wrote really hit my core because I too have suffered with similar problems growing up. Moving from house to house every year due to evictions caused by mother screaming for more drugs from dad who use to sell them. Neighbors hating us to the point that they wouldn't let me play with their children. The feelings of worthlessness and isolation.
Finally got to the point that someone snitched on my father and we were taking away until they could prove they were fit parents, which was way too easy for two active meth users. Even after all that they didn't stop and we lived in squalor. I remember being so hungry one night I ate chinese food with broken glass in it because there was nothing else to eat. Just reliving these moments hurts.
MLC,
It took a long time for me to forgive my parents. To forgive them for my poorly developed social skills because I was left alone 90% of the time, that I starved for food when I didn't even know how to open a can of soda, that my only friend was a cat, that the kids use to make fun of me at school because my clothes were dirty, my low self-esteem as I was blamed, not the meth, for their miserable lives. I never had a mom to talk about what it was like to go through puberty, having to do everything on my own, graduating from high school and college with no one to cheer me on. Damn, it still hurts. But, I finally forgave them because I understand how horribly painful addiction can be. But despite the forgiveness, they will never be part of my life again. I am getting married in the near future and it would have been nice to have someone walk me down the aisle. Please, fight for your sobriety and thus your family now before it gets any worse. Before you lose them forever. Your children deserve to have a mom; the real you.
Finally got to the point that someone snitched on my father and we were taking away until they could prove they were fit parents, which was way too easy for two active meth users. Even after all that they didn't stop and we lived in squalor. I remember being so hungry one night I ate chinese food with broken glass in it because there was nothing else to eat. Just reliving these moments hurts.
MLC,
It took a long time for me to forgive my parents. To forgive them for my poorly developed social skills because I was left alone 90% of the time, that I starved for food when I didn't even know how to open a can of soda, that my only friend was a cat, that the kids use to make fun of me at school because my clothes were dirty, my low self-esteem as I was blamed, not the meth, for their miserable lives. I never had a mom to talk about what it was like to go through puberty, having to do everything on my own, graduating from high school and college with no one to cheer me on. Damn, it still hurts. But, I finally forgave them because I understand how horribly painful addiction can be. But despite the forgiveness, they will never be part of my life again. I am getting married in the near future and it would have been nice to have someone walk me down the aisle. Please, fight for your sobriety and thus your family now before it gets any worse. Before you lose them forever. Your children deserve to have a mom; the real you.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Good morning
Hopefully it s day 1 for you and you flushed all that garbage down the toilet. I hope you will sign in with us on the 24 hours club
I know going to meeting is tough but check out "In The Rooms". They have NA video meetings and you can watch without participating or being on cam yourself Narcotics Anonymous (NA) Video Meetings | Real NA Video Meetings for Anyone
You CAN do it, "can'ts" and "buts" are your AV talking to keep the beast happy and high.
Hopefully it s day 1 for you and you flushed all that garbage down the toilet. I hope you will sign in with us on the 24 hours club
I know going to meeting is tough but check out "In The Rooms". They have NA video meetings and you can watch without participating or being on cam yourself Narcotics Anonymous (NA) Video Meetings | Real NA Video Meetings for Anyone
You CAN do it, "can'ts" and "buts" are your AV talking to keep the beast happy and high.
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