Can't freaking stop
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Newcastle, UK
Posts: 571
You gotta try to give it a proper chance MLC. I totally agree, getting sober feels kinda lame at the start, but does it honestly suck anywhere near as badly as what you're feeling now? It will get better! I seem to remember you mentioning, forgive me and ignore this if i'm wrong that you got back on certain substances for pain management, it's going to take a fine balance if you feel you have to use them for this.
You can do this MLC, come on! I have every bit of faith in you, do whatever you need to do to stay sober,
Lots of love
You can do this MLC, come on! I have every bit of faith in you, do whatever you need to do to stay sober,
Lots of love
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Midlifecrisis 
Not sure of the plan. Let myself feel as someone said above and just stop.
Dee if I tell him he will leave. That is not an option.
Dee if I tell him he will leave. That is not an option.
Maybe you need some professional help outside of what you are doing now to get this to work. You dont always have to feel the way you do now, its the addiction that is holding you down, making you feel low, and thinking you hate sobriety. Your husband may leave, but what sort of relationship are you in where you cant be honest with one another?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 626
With all due respect mid life,
Number 1, your husband knows
And if i had a fraction of the positive responses that you receive when posting, i would be thrilled.......
After that first dose, snort, drink, whatever, our decision making process is screwed up.
You need to help if you really want to get and stay sober. Hiding it from your husband and not reaching out to your pastor or whoever just keeps you isolated and active in your addiction.
Trust me, anyone around you, even your kids, know.
Number 1, your husband knows
And if i had a fraction of the positive responses that you receive when posting, i would be thrilled.......
After that first dose, snort, drink, whatever, our decision making process is screwed up.
You need to help if you really want to get and stay sober. Hiding it from your husband and not reaching out to your pastor or whoever just keeps you isolated and active in your addiction.
Trust me, anyone around you, even your kids, know.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by Midlifecrisis
I'm not telling him, i would appreciate it if people would stop saying that, i say this with love and respect and i really appreciate so many of you posting. I'm not sure if anyone else has been faced with the very real prospect of becoming a single mum of five children 
. I'm going to stop and put everything into my recovery and my family. And I'm going to put god first. It's the only way I can do it.
. I'm going to stop and put everything into my recovery and my family. And I'm going to put god first. It's the only way I can do it.I am going to put everything into my family when the drugs run out you mean.
Wait a minute. One minute you say he's gonna take the kids and leave and one minute he's gonna leave you with the kids. Would he really be so careless to leave his 5 children with a active I don't care about my life drug addict.
Sorry but you are singing the same old song and the fact that you aren't dumping the pills you have and have another script coming next week which you should at this very minute be telling your doctor that you are abusing, you won't stop. Face it you went to detox cuz you were forced.
You r not ready and are using SR not to get clean and sober but for sympathy and like others said attention seeking.
By the way I sat at a lot of soccer games too. Didn't mean I was all there in my head.Being a Mom is being emotionally available for them not watching them kick a ball and patting them on the head, saying Good play then driving them home turning them loose and going into the bathroom and snorting one pill after the other. .
Maybe if your hubby does take your kids, maybe that's what you need to hit bottom they are not safe with you.. Obviously they are not an important enough reasonright now to dump those pills , to tell your husband and to tell your doctor. We've heard this song. Addiction sucks and u r sucked in but ur also not taking anyone's suggestions.
Maybe you need to be really honest about that and not just tell people what you think they want to hear. If your hubby left you that would be the perfect opportunity to get into a long term treatment center. Unless of course that still is not your bottom.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
MLC,
When I was a young child I discovered that my mother was on drugs. I was 8 years old. Her behaviors and addictions took over her life, and i was left homeless at 12. All that she was able to do was use and lie. Use and lie. This is par for the course with addiction. I can say that because the apple did not fall too far from the tree, I am on a recovery site for alcohol abuse. Children are more aware of their surroundings and the situations that they are in then we give them credit for. You have said that your children are fine. I am sure at this moment they are okay, not fabulous. This will not be the case if the drug use continues on this level. The chances that you end up raising your children by yourself is pretty slim. If your husband has any sense about him, he would take the children with him and let you continue on your path. I am sure that he is feeling exhausted by this situation. I also have a child that I parent. This is the first year of his life that we have not been with him. My husband and I relocated to another city, and he stayed with his mother where he has been raised. His awareness of alcohol being around him has increased. Last summer he stated, " I know what you are going to order to drink, wine!" This was the moment that I was aware of his awareness. This was the moment where I linked my childhood understanding into his understanding and knew that he knew something was wrong. I am so thankful that he did not see my destruction when I lost my job. I am thankful for him to come home here in the next few days to see that things have changed, and that my drink of choice is water and juice. Children know more than we give them credit for. I have been following your posts and the struggle that you have been through. I am typing this with understanding of addiction, with having a child myself, and with knowing what it was like to be a child who's parent was involved in active addiction. I am coming from a place of compassion, and with truth. I saw that you said that you can not get any more pain pills until next week. The doctor should be called in this situation and told that the prescription needs to stop, and that you are an addict that is in relapse. This seems to be the clearest way to stop the current drug use. Not that you can not find pills elsewhere, but we can take the appropriate steps to ensure that pills are not readily available. MLC You can do this. Please do this for you. We do not get clean for others. My mother did not clean up for anyone, and at this stage in her life she has lost all relationships with her family, and children. I can not even say if she is alive. I am somebody's child, and not speaking with my mother hurts immensely. If you have cleaned up for everybody else and not you then I must ask the question. Do you want to be sober? If you do not, lets address that. Lets look at that thought.
I am praying for you MLC. This whole community wants you to be safe, and loved and sober. ((HUG)) and respect MLC.
When I was a young child I discovered that my mother was on drugs. I was 8 years old. Her behaviors and addictions took over her life, and i was left homeless at 12. All that she was able to do was use and lie. Use and lie. This is par for the course with addiction. I can say that because the apple did not fall too far from the tree, I am on a recovery site for alcohol abuse. Children are more aware of their surroundings and the situations that they are in then we give them credit for. You have said that your children are fine. I am sure at this moment they are okay, not fabulous. This will not be the case if the drug use continues on this level. The chances that you end up raising your children by yourself is pretty slim. If your husband has any sense about him, he would take the children with him and let you continue on your path. I am sure that he is feeling exhausted by this situation. I also have a child that I parent. This is the first year of his life that we have not been with him. My husband and I relocated to another city, and he stayed with his mother where he has been raised. His awareness of alcohol being around him has increased. Last summer he stated, " I know what you are going to order to drink, wine!" This was the moment that I was aware of his awareness. This was the moment where I linked my childhood understanding into his understanding and knew that he knew something was wrong. I am so thankful that he did not see my destruction when I lost my job. I am thankful for him to come home here in the next few days to see that things have changed, and that my drink of choice is water and juice. Children know more than we give them credit for. I have been following your posts and the struggle that you have been through. I am typing this with understanding of addiction, with having a child myself, and with knowing what it was like to be a child who's parent was involved in active addiction. I am coming from a place of compassion, and with truth. I saw that you said that you can not get any more pain pills until next week. The doctor should be called in this situation and told that the prescription needs to stop, and that you are an addict that is in relapse. This seems to be the clearest way to stop the current drug use. Not that you can not find pills elsewhere, but we can take the appropriate steps to ensure that pills are not readily available. MLC You can do this. Please do this for you. We do not get clean for others. My mother did not clean up for anyone, and at this stage in her life she has lost all relationships with her family, and children. I can not even say if she is alive. I am somebody's child, and not speaking with my mother hurts immensely. If you have cleaned up for everybody else and not you then I must ask the question. Do you want to be sober? If you do not, lets address that. Lets look at that thought.
I am praying for you MLC. This whole community wants you to be safe, and loved and sober. ((HUG)) and respect MLC.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Mid,
You will slip right back to that person who was posting here a month ago. I already see it.It will not take long. Addiction is progressive.
Just cuz you were clean for a month does not make ur using now any less serious. You will always come right back to this place and it will be worse until you get professional help.
My illness/addiction centers in my mind. I can not talk, think or reason myself out of a drug. My mind is the problem. I need the daily help of God, AA/NA, my sponsor and other addicts who can call me on my sh**. Because without them I actually believe what I am saying and thinking. I have to continually put good things in my mind and push the old things out on a daily basis.
And I store what they have told me , what i have learned, what I have heard in meetings and I draw upon it when I think I am ok and I can handle it. I have phone numbers, I do service. Recovery is work, hard work.
Obviously SR alone is not working for you. That's ok, but decide what you want to do, do you want to stop? I mean really and honestly do you want to stop for you? Or are you just pulling our chains?
If not then let's be real here and not lead people in here to think you really want help .
Cuz many people on here are trying to save your life and are investing their time, heart and soul to help you.
R u expecting people in here to come up with the perfect answer that will convince you that you need to stop?
How about this The Ends are always the same Jails, Institutions and Death.
I did the research for you Midlife. it doesn't get any better out there.
I kept going cuz I didn't take suggestions, I didn't listen to what the consequences would be if I kept on going. I said I will quit when the time is right just like you.
I will quit before the bad stuff happens. i played the games just like you. I lied to others and myself just like you.. Ya know what?
I went to jail 7 times, I had 3 DUI's.I went to 5 detoxes, I went to 5 psych wards, I went to 4 treatment centers, I went to a nursing home, I had seizures, I attempted suicide twice.
I destroyed a family, a son, I lost every material thing I own.
It's up to you! You can jump off the merry go round anytime you want, but it looks like you are very close to losing the one thing I regretted the most , your family.
How far down the scale do you want to go? Those yets are just waiting for you. I don't think you really believe that. Your addiction is telling you it's ok to put off getting help for just a bit longer. And you are believing it.
It is telling you Just One more time, One last Hurrah, I'll quit when the drugs are gone. Mid - The drugs will never be gone.
Until you personally surrender and believe there is nothing good left that can come out of using, you will never get well.
You will find the drugs, they will find you.
Ya know why I am so truthful with you now. Cuz It's to late for me to go back and change the past. You still have time.
You will slip right back to that person who was posting here a month ago. I already see it.It will not take long. Addiction is progressive.
Just cuz you were clean for a month does not make ur using now any less serious. You will always come right back to this place and it will be worse until you get professional help.
My illness/addiction centers in my mind. I can not talk, think or reason myself out of a drug. My mind is the problem. I need the daily help of God, AA/NA, my sponsor and other addicts who can call me on my sh**. Because without them I actually believe what I am saying and thinking. I have to continually put good things in my mind and push the old things out on a daily basis.
And I store what they have told me , what i have learned, what I have heard in meetings and I draw upon it when I think I am ok and I can handle it. I have phone numbers, I do service. Recovery is work, hard work.
Obviously SR alone is not working for you. That's ok, but decide what you want to do, do you want to stop? I mean really and honestly do you want to stop for you? Or are you just pulling our chains?
If not then let's be real here and not lead people in here to think you really want help .
Cuz many people on here are trying to save your life and are investing their time, heart and soul to help you.
R u expecting people in here to come up with the perfect answer that will convince you that you need to stop?
How about this The Ends are always the same Jails, Institutions and Death.
I did the research for you Midlife. it doesn't get any better out there.
I kept going cuz I didn't take suggestions, I didn't listen to what the consequences would be if I kept on going. I said I will quit when the time is right just like you.
I will quit before the bad stuff happens. i played the games just like you. I lied to others and myself just like you.. Ya know what?
I went to jail 7 times, I had 3 DUI's.I went to 5 detoxes, I went to 5 psych wards, I went to 4 treatment centers, I went to a nursing home, I had seizures, I attempted suicide twice.
I destroyed a family, a son, I lost every material thing I own.
It's up to you! You can jump off the merry go round anytime you want, but it looks like you are very close to losing the one thing I regretted the most , your family.
How far down the scale do you want to go? Those yets are just waiting for you. I don't think you really believe that. Your addiction is telling you it's ok to put off getting help for just a bit longer. And you are believing it.
It is telling you Just One more time, One last Hurrah, I'll quit when the drugs are gone. Mid - The drugs will never be gone.
Until you personally surrender and believe there is nothing good left that can come out of using, you will never get well.
You will find the drugs, they will find you.
Ya know why I am so truthful with you now. Cuz It's to late for me to go back and change the past. You still have time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
MLC - your story and battle has resonated with many, hence your overwhelming support here on SR. I think everyone has covered every point I would have, including you.
Put on your big girl pants. No excuses. You are no good to anyone in your life if you are an active addict. Get over yourself, look in the mirror and make a choice. Life or death. It's really that simple. Based on what you have posted (and that is all I have to go on) you will die (like for real dead, pushing up daises 6 feet under dead) if you don't do something drastic to get sober once and for all. It ain't gonna be easy, as you know, but all signs from your posts indicate that your choice must be made NOW. You are running out of time.
Choose life. And do WHATEVER IT TAKES to save yourself and not leave your children without a mother or your husband a grieving widower.
Sorry for the doom and gloom but maybe it will help you as you make the choices that are facing you right now.
All the best...
Put on your big girl pants. No excuses. You are no good to anyone in your life if you are an active addict. Get over yourself, look in the mirror and make a choice. Life or death. It's really that simple. Based on what you have posted (and that is all I have to go on) you will die (like for real dead, pushing up daises 6 feet under dead) if you don't do something drastic to get sober once and for all. It ain't gonna be easy, as you know, but all signs from your posts indicate that your choice must be made NOW. You are running out of time.
Choose life. And do WHATEVER IT TAKES to save yourself and not leave your children without a mother or your husband a grieving widower.
Sorry for the doom and gloom but maybe it will help you as you make the choices that are facing you right now.
All the best...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
MLC, maybe this has already been suggested, but IMO you need long-term, in patient treatment. Would that be possible? If so, would a relative (mother or mother-in-law) be able to help with your children?
You need some kind of plan to deal with this; what you've been doing is clearly not working too well.
But no matter what you do, you should recommit to sobriety, and IMO you should see your Dr. to talk about non-narcotic, non-addictive pain medication.
You need some kind of plan to deal with this; what you've been doing is clearly not working too well.
But no matter what you do, you should recommit to sobriety, and IMO you should see your Dr. to talk about non-narcotic, non-addictive pain medication.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by Midlifecrisis
I didn't realise I was an attention seeker. I just am finally taking about stuff after keeping my life and feelings and past hidden away from everyone. I'm quite embarrassed.. I Um and ahh everytjme
I post here because I'm worried what people will think and that I post too much.
I'm seeing a counsellor. My children are looked after and loves and I'm stopping using. Do not worry. I have put my whole life into them. Never to me.
Thank you all.
I post here because I'm worried what people will think and that I post too much.
I'm seeing a counsellor. My children are looked after and loves and I'm stopping using. Do not worry. I have put my whole life into them. Never to me.
Thank you all.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: The Emerald City
Posts: 434
MLC:
When you make the decision to get better, then you will get better. Until then, it will just be the same merry-go-round, round and round and round, ....going nowhere.
With all love and support, I hope that you will do that for yourself.
When you make the decision to get better, then you will get better. Until then, it will just be the same merry-go-round, round and round and round, ....going nowhere.
With all love and support, I hope that you will do that for yourself.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Just do yourself a huge favor and flush all that stuff down the toilet when you come home. The good time to quit is right now. You post that you are worried that you might end up the single mom of five, well the chances are much higher that your husband will end up being a single dad of 5. He seems like a decent guy who would take his little ones with him to protect them and no judge in his/her right mind would give you custody right now. You can do it girl!! We are here for you: flush those darn pills!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I am reminded of an old adage.."what makes you think you can do tomorrow, what you can't do today?"
Yes, tons of support here and this thread illustrates. Something struck me last night when I read that you struggle with bulimia..and then again, when another poster brought up the attention seeking.
Bulimia, attention seeking and substance abuse can all be indicative of borderline personality disorder...which is hell on both the suffering individual and those that love them...
You can't fight this alone MLC...no way ,no how...what you are dealing with is bigger than you alone.
Yes, tons of support here and this thread illustrates. Something struck me last night when I read that you struggle with bulimia..and then again, when another poster brought up the attention seeking.
Bulimia, attention seeking and substance abuse can all be indicative of borderline personality disorder...which is hell on both the suffering individual and those that love them...
You can't fight this alone MLC...no way ,no how...what you are dealing with is bigger than you alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Originally Posted by Midlifecrisis
Thank you everyone. Lots to think about. Appreciate so many people taking the time to reply to me over and over.
So really I'm addressing this to your addiction and insanity, myself and others, and though it may not help you it may keep you thinking that you have at least 1 more chance before addiction buries you.
As some have posted I also have grave concerns for the health and well-being of your children and husband. You are not unique in your active addiction...it might be time to prepare yourself for going to jail/prison, being institutionalized, and making out a will.
I am serious. I have been around recovery and active alcoholism/addiction for the past thirty years...addiction doesn't change but I've seen it kill and maim.
You don't have the decision to quit in a couple days...only today...
Even losing everything you got especially family, sanity, limb, freedom, doesn't mean you will quit.
I'm not sad to read what you write...I am so sad you really don't have a clue that you are in the late stages of addiction...chronic yes...but I'm talking the end stage...where again you will die, probably take out someone with you, hopefully just end up homeless...
MLC we have supported you 100%...at this point it is all and good but since your addiction has a powerful grip on you there really isn't any more sense.
As someone said, it's your husband who will be a single father of 5 children. And, he very well could be a widow.
Sad Facts...but I've seen it in my life and countless others...and read about it every single day...opiate user dies shot by cops...opiate user arrested robbing pharmacy...mother commits suicide after killing children...
so sad and preventable...alcoholism/addiction are two of the most treatable illnesses...whole fellowships of NA and AA have sprung up because of recovering people...
There are so many other people who are stopping and embracing sobriety and abstinence...maybe you could lend support to them...
I hope this isn't your last thread...but with your addiction you really don't have the choice anymore...that is unless you stop today this minute...
Best to you and may recovery come swift and sure to you and your family
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,065
Thank you Wiscober.
I do post encouragement on as many threads as I can. Then I feel stupid because I don't think I have the right. I was in recovery for over ten years but yeah, at the moment, no.
I feel like I shouldn't be posting but I hate not letting you guys know that I appreciate your long responses.
So thanks.
I do post encouragement on as many threads as I can. Then I feel stupid because I don't think I have the right. I was in recovery for over ten years but yeah, at the moment, no.
I feel like I shouldn't be posting but I hate not letting you guys know that I appreciate your long responses.
So thanks.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Midlifecrisis
I feel like I shouldn't be posting but I hate not letting you guys know that I appreciate your long responses.
So thanks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,065
Thanks Scott. I think you have responded to every single one of my 'help me' threads. I really appreciate it. I feel like running away from this forum alot but I actually really like all you guys. I am going to try harder.
I don't know about borderline personality disorder. I looked it up and do have all the symptoms but I fit the criteria for alot of disorders if I look hard enough. I don't have a psych (I suppose it's a psych that would diagnose such things.). I have always felt that something is not quite right. I was at the ballet last week and I just can't sit still. I always have to pick somehthing, twirl my hair, look around, change positions. Just like a kid. It really stood out to me because there were hundreds of people there sitting perfectly still concentrating on the ballet.
What is wrong with me?? I just felt like a freak.
I don't know about borderline personality disorder. I looked it up and do have all the symptoms but I fit the criteria for alot of disorders if I look hard enough. I don't have a psych (I suppose it's a psych that would diagnose such things.). I have always felt that something is not quite right. I was at the ballet last week and I just can't sit still. I always have to pick somehthing, twirl my hair, look around, change positions. Just like a kid. It really stood out to me because there were hundreds of people there sitting perfectly still concentrating on the ballet.
What is wrong with me?? I just felt like a freak.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Not posting isn't whst any of us want you to do. We are all knocking our heads to maje you see the light. Irony of it all is who knows how many people posting here are truly sober! At least you are forth right.
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