Maxamuus

Hit by the horse and dragged under the wagon a few hundred feet.

Trying to pick up the pieces. Had a 30 day chip and was feeling better about life. Work kicked me in the teeth, my cat got sick, oh the laundry list of excuses goes on and on.

Just feeling so defeated. Spent 25k dollars on detox and rehab and a few weeks later I find myself back in the same spot.

instant

Have another go. We learn. Hopefully you will not fall in the
same hole twice.

Dano1975

You're not in the same spot. Get right back on that wagon and don't waste time and energy feeling bad about yourself. Relapses happen more often then not early in recovery.

tabasco

Not exactly in the same spot. You tried one last experiment, and yet you knew what the result be and you still tried. Thats alcoholism. If you are finally to accept that you can never drink again, this experience has been worth every bit of misery. I have got to that acceptance. What was the experience like in the detox?

Maxamuus

Nice Xmas sweater Dano =)

Maxamuus

Well where I went Detox and Rehab was great. I function so great under those guidelines. Its just when I get out and left to my own choices that I *&^* it up.

mecanix

I used to fall off my bike when i was learning to ride.

Get back up, dust off, learn what you can.

Onwards with learning to live sober.

Bestwishes, M

Maxamuus

I just wonder if there is any hope for me. I have tried to get into AA. I read the first 167 pages like I was supposed to, yet I don't have a higher power and I just cant grasp that. I have a lot of family crap that makes it hard.

I just feel like a rudderless ship adrift.

Nonsensical

Hopeless people don't post here about wishing they were able to stay sober.

It's hard. It's very very hard. I have had my share of face plants. Get back up and work toward a different ending. None of us fall off the wagon. We all jump. That first drink was voluntary.

If AA is not for you (it's not for me, either) find another method and get to work. There is lots of information in this forum about the alternative methods people are using to stay sober. Start reading. You can do this.

Best of Luck.

mecanix

There is hope Never dispair .

It's a broad highway and you got miles and miles to get it together . Persevere and you will get what you want .

It's a hard path at times but worthwhile .

Bestwishes, M

Dano1975

Haha that's not actually me, I thought the pic was hilarious.

Anna

You said you did well in the structured environment of detox and rehab. But, when you went out into the world, it didn't hold up. So...you need a plan, you need to structure your days, you need to begin to find healthy ways to deal with life.

What do you do each day to work on your recovery? There is lots of hope.

Maxamuus

Your right Anna. I did so great in detox and rehab. I felt so much better, I looked better. I just struggled with AA because of the whole higher power thing.

In a lot of ways I feel like a child. I need someone to tell me when to wake up, when to go to bed and when to eat etc. I just cant seem to do those basics on my own without a 12 pack of beer here and there.

Dee74

nope. Thats your addiction talking.

You just need to learn those life skills Maxamus.

If I could do it, anyone can - it's not always fun or comfortable 'being our own parent', but you can do it

There's a lot of support around too for those times you need it

welcome back
D

Maxamuus

Well I am trying. Just struggling. =(

My work is all but threw with my bullsh!t. Family has written me off. Partner loves me but just doesn't know what to do with me either. I don't know what to do with me either. I just don't even know how to stop at this point.

Everyday I say ok today is the day and I am not going to drink anymore, I need to not drink and eat so I can feel better and go to work tomorrow. Then I end up with a 12 pack of beer before I even knew what happened. I honestly feel like the clock is running out on me.

carlyle

I have been there. Once you battle the cravings and it can be a battle, you will be proud and feel empowered. Sounds too simple I know, but when you stop drinking you won't worry about it all the time. What i mean is you will have so much time to spend time "present" at work and with the ones you miss...

Oh... i still worry about failing,but that is in my control. What i don't have to worry about is how I will get my next drink. How to hide it. How to get enough of a buzz before I have to go do something. What my children think. Why do I drink. Do I have a problem. Will I ever be able to stop. What will people think of me and on and on and on. That is lots of worry caused by only one thing. Choosing to drink.

This is a great place to share, learn and get support. For me only seven days in it is a great place to come to terms with the world I have created for myself. And accept it and take control

Peace and strength

Marjoram

Maxamuus - I'd be one big bruise, if I got one every time I fell. But, with each time, it's happened I come back and reach out. There's always something we can do to change our approach to see how we can avoid it happening again. I was clean for over 90 days a couple years ago. And it was the best 90 days imaginable. Why did I go back to drinking? I fell...thinking I could control it. But, I couldn't so I returned here and there, and this time....I'm hoping I can make it stick. Today is my first day one of success....I'm past that urge, and could care less if I had a drink. Don't get frustrated when you fall, and don't be embarrassed. We are not here to judge, we are here to help. And there are so many wonderful people here that can share their stories to give us the hope we need. Be well.

DAB

Make Dexter your higher power.

Maxamuus

Thanks Carlyle. Those are some insightful words.

Now I am just angry that I am this pit. I really want to pick myself up and dust myself off and try to go on again. I am sick of wallowing in this shi!t hole of self despair.

Maxamuus

Hmm a serial killer as my high power? That might be something I could buy into. I kid I kid.