Where do I go from here?
 

Hi all,

Sorry for the long post but I am after some advice. I feel my journey to recovery has been an unconventional one and I'm after some help as to what my next move should be.

To give a bit of background, I'm a girl in my early 20s with a family history of alcoholism. I started drinking when I was 16 and loved it. In my teen years I was the girl who was always the most drunk at parties, did a lot of very embarrassing stuff and caused my family a lot of worry and anxiety. At university my drinking increased and that's when I started to realise that I found it very difficult to stop drinking once I had started. Almost every time I would go out it would be with the express intention of only having a few drinks and then would end up waking up the next morning with absolutely no recollection of the night, unidentified injuries, a sinking feeling of dread etc. At many points my parents tried to speak to me about my drinking, told me I had a problem and so on, but I felt that they were just being over anxious.

After leaving uni I thought my drinking would naturally settle down but it didn't. I started to realise the way I drank was different to others. A friend pointed out that in the time he had drunk a pint, I'd had a bottle of wine. I often got panicky if I was sharing a bottle of wine with a friend and they were drinking too slowly and weren't ready for me to top up our glasses. On a few occasions I would go out with friends and when they decided it was time to call it a night I'd say I was going home but then sneak off to another bar to continue drinking alone. I also began to see the alcohol intake negatively impact on my daily life in many ways (health, relationships, work and in particular, my personal safety). I tried many things to try and drink normally...a hypnotism CD, self help books, drinking different drinks, drinking a glass of water in between each drink, starting to drink at a different time and so on. Whatever happened though I'd always seem to end up really drunk as once I'd had a couple of drinks I'd end up just wanting more and more.

Eventually, at my parents urging, I went to see an addiction councilor who told me he thought I was an alcoholic. We worked through some step 1 worksheets together and I identified a lot of the ways in which my drinking had got very out of control. With his help I stopped drinking for 6 months.

However, towards the end of the 6 months I got a new job and moved cities so I stopped seeing him. He advised me to start going to AA meetings. I went to a couple before I moved and felt I could relate to what everyone was saying and felt this could be helpful for me. However, once I moved I didn't really get into a pattern of going and I started finding things tough. After a few weeks I went out with an old drinking friend and got blind drunk.

I haven't drunk since then and am really keen to stay sober but I don't know the best way to go. Should I be going to AA meetings? My big concern with doing so is that I really don't feel convinced as to whether or not I am really a true alcoholic. As I see it there are arguments on both sides. I know I struggle to control my alcohol intake when I drink and that drinking causes me to become anti-social, unsafe and a bad human being. However, I also know I wasn't physically addicted to alcohol as I could go a few days here and there without any and not have the shakes or anything. Also I have many friends who I know would laugh if I told them I thought I was an alcoholic.

I have heard some terrible stories in AA about the tragic things that have happened to people from drink and the bad way they have ended up in. I worry my problems aren't big or bad enough and that they will think I'm an idiot for even classing myself amongst them, especially as I am so young. I also worry that I'm just wasting my time and that maybe I don't even need it and should just stop being so dramatic.

Either way I know I don't want to drink any more but it is often a struggle to stay sober, especially as I am young and so many people my age drink, although I do feel happier and more settled since the move. What are my options? How can I help myself?

Any advice really v.much appreciated xxx

" I know I struggle to control my alcohol intake when I drink and that drinking causes me to become anti-social, unsafe and a bad human being.Either way I know I don't want to drink any more but it is often a struggle to stay sober"

:welcome
Hello, Letsgoflyakite! The above quote is yours. Non alcoholics don't struggle to control drink. Non alcoholics don't struggle to stay sober. You really answered your own question.
Add to that your parents concern. The only ones not concerned are your drinking buddies!
Yep! Welcome to SR! This is a great place for support and questions! Read some posts. You aren't as unconventional as you think! You are young, so you can avoid the problems that come later if you quit now! I hope you stick around!

I am one of those alcoholics at AA meetings that had gotten really bad. It brings me joy with people like yourself show up at meetings because it's wonderful to find someone who has the sense to save themselves before they hit rock bottom. Going to meetings will save your life.

i'm one of the people who didn't hit that "rock bottom" that i used to associate with what i thought a true alcoholic was.

and there has not been one second in any of the meetings that i've been to where that bothered anyone.

we've all earned the seats we sit in at an AA meeting... doesn't matter if our rock bottoms look alike at all.

give it another go... check out different meetings if that is convenient for you to find your comfort level. and know that the people in those rooms aren't there to judge you or make comparisons about who was worse or better... we're all just there to heal, and having other alcoholics to do some of that healing with is so freeing.

best wishes to you on your journey...

:welcome You're smart to give up drinking at a young age. You won't have a lot of regrets when you get older. :hug:

As to AA, go to several meetings and look for the similarities, not the differences. Everyone is there for the same reason: to stay sober.:)

Thanks everyone for the advice, it's been really helpful and given me lots to think about xx