On day 2 after 5 years of sobriety
 

Having managed 5 years of sobriety in AA I took one sip of wine a couple of months ago. I was so upset that my sobriety had gone and that, that slip cost me the 5 years. I kept it to myself for a week, and only when I told my sponsor who confirmed I had slipped did I then pick up properly, my rationale, however barking mad thought if its gone it might just as well be for a proper drink.

Fast forward a couple of months and I am back to daily drinking. Not a massive amount, just a few to get me mellow. Husband is upset, and it is the fear of his response that is stopping me truly getting out of it. I have stopped going to AA as I feel that somehow I now don't fit in, a failure, and pitied. I haven't phoned my sponsor and neither has she contacted me.

I have booked into see an addiction specialist, and that starts this week. I think I am looking for someone to confirm that I am an alcoholic. This may always have been my problem, step 1. I can drink too much, hide alcohol, drive under the influence, and still think that I abuse and that I could sort this out with a bit of effort, or wasn't so greedy.

Today is my second day without booze, and whilst I have no physical withdrawal, I barely made it out of the supermarket without buying wine. I don't know if this is weakness or the mental obsession. I wake up and my first thought is can I fit booze into my day.

Maybe try reading The Doctor's Opinion in the Big Book and determine yourself if you are alcoholic before you see an addiction specialist.

If AA worked for 5 years, what makes you think it won't work again? I am not in AA but 5 years is a pretty good run by any measure. I'd call your sponsor - the pity/shame/fear of failure is a normal response, but as we all know people relapse. Seeing the addiction specialist probably wont' hurt either, but as you probably know only YOU can confirm that you are an alcoholic, no one else can do that for you.

I am not in AA either so I don't know what the rules are. I would think you should call your sponsor. She probably wouldn't call you because we all know you can't help someone until they want it. Isn't she there to help you when you are ready for it? The "am I" or "am I not" thing was kind of a thing for me too. I just decided either way the remedy is the same.

Hey Pixy,

Gutted for you, not sure what to say.

I went 8 months sober and then a couple of weeks ago had a few glasses of wine to celebrate my fathers birthday. I felt sad. I felt I had let myself down. Lucky for me I quickly got back on the wagon and I have not had a drink since. You can do the same, after all you did it for 5 years which is just incredible! People like yourself are an inspiration to me, to remain focused and sober for all that time is remarkable. Just because you slipped up does not make you any less of an inspiration it just show's you are human and like everyone else you can make mistakes too. What has happened to you can serve as purpose to you and all of us that no matter how well you think you have this thing nailed you still have to be vigilant.

Any idea why you had a drink? What was it? For me, I guess its twofold, firstly I wanted to celebrate with my family and secondly I had convinced myself that I did not really have a problem. I wish I could drink normally, but I cant. As soon as the first sip of wine passed my lips I felt head go fuzzy and my eyes widen. I just wanted more. At any given chance I was pouring myself more wine. I was offering to clear the table just so I could escape to the kitchen to have a few sneeky swigs of the bottle. My problem is that I have very little control.

I know you are probably feeling low at the moment but try to be strong. You know you can do it and you know how to do it. Remember for the past 5 years not drinking was normal for you, so you can definitely get back there.

Good luck and keep posting.

I'd call it addiction - at least, that's what I call it in me. Seems like AA was working for you for 5 years. Going back seems like the easiest path to sanity. Swallow your pride and make the call.

Best of Luck to you!

I think the addiction counselor is a great idea. They can also help you sort out your feeling about AA and decide what to do on that front.

Your story is illustrative of the weird uncertainty of the sober time count. On the one hand it's super useful. I'm early on and I always know my day count. It helps me feel connected to my progress.

But I don't really like the idea that a slip wipes away all this progress, symbolically. And even more so socially like in meetings. I dunno, I don't have a real opinion to state here... I just think your experience speaks to some of the pitfalls of the day count. I might be stepping on a minefield here but it reminds me a bit of abstinence-only sex ed. No accommodation for anything less than perfection, which can lead to some crazy consequences when people slip up. If it's all or nothing, I can totally understand your feeling of wanting to get some value for your money so to speak!

I too would say go back to AA and learn how to live a sober happy life. It is possible but you've got to really want it, more than anything else. You can do this! :hug:

I totally agree with Jeness - try reading the Doctors Opinion. That is the chapter that is the qualification chapter of alcoholics. Its up to you and how honest you are willing to be with yourself. This is something only you can decide and then decide how willing are you to go to stay sober? Goodluck :)

Hi Pixy - welcome :)
yep this was me too - for a long time.

The truth is you don;t lose all that experience and wisdom and living soberly you had over 5 years - not unless you decide to throw it away.

So...stop deciding to throw it away :)

I think if AA worked for you for 5 full years, then going back is the obvious step here...
You won't be the first returnee through the doors :)

D

Welcome Pixy. I think you'll find the encouragement you need here. :) I agree that those 5 yrs. are not 'gone' or wasted! You can get back on track and be even more determined to stay free of it. Glad to have you here with us. :)

Pixy

5 years amazing! At least now you know it was not worth it. Day 2 is a good start. Be strong. Sometimes I have doubts and I think about moderation. Bad thoughts.

Your post in inspiring!

Hi Pixy,

I'm sorry that you're struggling, but you will find lots of support here.

I really think you need to fully accept that you are an alcoholic, in order to recover. Accepting what 'is' is the beginning of the healing. After how can you heal something that you don't acknowledge?

You had 5 good years and you can do it again. :)

Pixy, You'll feel better if you just bite the bullet and go back. Most of the time when I really dread going somewhere and facing people I force myself to go--and 9 out of 10 times I'm really blessed that i went. Give yourself a reward you can cherish and point to for starting your sobriety fresh. it doesn't have to be a lot of money--maybe a special plant.

I don't know if it matters whether we are "real" alcoholics according to the Big Book when it comes right down to it. According to the Big Book I'm only the "second type" of hard drinker, not a "real" alcoholic. Either way, no matter how I rationalize, I sure can't handle alcohol. So labeling ourselves doesn't matter IMHO--just get off of booze! :-)

Thank you for sharing just how cunning, baffling, and powerful this disease is. AA works, it's just your disease telling you it won't work again. You are not the first this happened to nor will you be the last. Your best bet is to do what worked for the past 5 years.

Pixie, on day 2? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. You already know you can do it. :egypt:

Just wondering, what happened to the people you were sponsoring?

While sober streaks are useful goals when starting out, I sometimes think they can cause harm over the longer term.

You were sober for 5 years except for two days. You have the ability to move on from that and continue with your sober life. You have the opportunity to assess why you are choosing to return to drinking and what you are hoping to gain from that. Here's your fork in the road, go talk to someone about which way you should go.

But the idea of shaming yourself for 'throwing away' 5 years of sobriety, is ridiculous. It's just a couple of days. Don't let it happen again of course, because those 2 days can easily turn in to 2 years, but don't beat yourself up over it. Analyze what went wrong and move on.

Hey Pixy..thank you so much for posting your experience. If it's shame/embarrassment stopping you from returning to AA..well, I don't think there is likely anyone better than AA (and other recovering alkies) to understand the power of that lying SOB addiction and how it can claim us anytime anywhere in the blink of an eye.
Hearing your experience is beneficial to me...just as it would be to all those familiar ears in your AA group. NOBODY is gonna cluck their tongues and tsk tsk ya...(and if they do, man do they got a drunk coming of their very own..; )