forabetterlife

After a week long work related trip in which drinking was not even an option, I returned home 7 days sober, only to drink each evening for three days because "I deserved it" after the stressful trip. In another week I will heading to my yearly vacation at the beach, and for the first time in seven years I want this to be a sober vacation. I spend a lot of my hard earned money to rent this house each summer, and year after year, I spend my time drinking alone or with friends, and then paying for it each morning with a foggy hangover, yet all too ready to do it again. Because, it's my vacation, right? I want this year to be different. I have enjoyed many stretches of sobriety and this year I want to truly enjoy my vacation, sober. I want to wake up after a restful sober night sleep and take a walk on the beach at sunrise, something I have never done and I bet you can guess why. I want to sit on the beach and read, not after a few beers, or while sneaking a few beers on the beach, but just relax and be present.
So, its all too easy to say what you want, but so much harder to do it. And I know that with all of these big promises comes the question..what are you going to do different? Well, for one thing, I be posting on SR, right here on this thread. I don't post much, but I read plenty. I write in a journal, but maybe that's not enough, it's for no one but me. So, while posting may be for my own benefit, maybe it will be of help to others as well in some way. I know how often I have read just the right post at the right time, that gave me just what a needed- a push, a re-commitment, or just a feeling that someone is going through exactly what I am with this addiction thing, that I am not alone.
Last night I realized after way too many drinks, how well I hold it together. I was cleaning the kitchen and speaking coherently. Such deception, to my kids, my family, and even myself. But I also found myself wishing I was sober, drunk as I was. Imagine that.
Thanks to everyone who is reading this long post

Nonsensical

Have fun on your vacation. Enjoy that time with your family. I look forward to reading your posts.

forabetterlife

I absolutely hate this feeling. Shaky and unclear. Its this feeling that keeps me drinking because there are two choices: get through it knowing tomorrow I will feel 100% better, or drink because that makes the feeling go away. I will not drink, but I feel so unsettled. On one hand I am lucky that my body and mind seemingly recuperates quickly, by day 2 I feel great. But it can be a double edged sword because I all too quickly forget how awful it feels and become complacent about staying sober. I have a long to-do list for the day, but I'm so unmotivated. Just want this part over with.

ScottFromWI

You are lucky, for now. I was that way once, but eventually it took my body much longer to recover, so I just drank every day. And eventually I drank every day just to feel normal, not to feel better. Alcoholism is progressive, you may want to consider quitting for good now while things haven't gotten bad.

least

Have a wonderful sober vacation!

forabetterlife

After re-reading my original post, I noticed that it may seem like I just want to not drink on my vacation, that I'm not seeking long-term sobriety. That is definately not the case. I have had 2 months sober on two separate occassions as well as some weeks and days stretches here and there. It doesn't sound like much, but I realize that those were the best times I have had in years. I felt better emotionally and physically than I have in years. Today I am struggling...I am bloated and absolutely exhausted, paying for my poor choices over the past three days. I am so looking forward to a good night's sleep and a clearer head tomorrow. Drinking is such a time-waster-- while your actually doing it and feeling it's effects after. Ugh. What was I thinking? It's never, ever worth it.

Lifebeginsat41

Hi Betterlife your sober plans for your vacation sound fantastic - can you record them visually as well as in your journal? Take lots of pictures - sunrise from the beach, family sober fun, walks, new experiences, laughs - all of these can be reminders of the best vacation you have had in years. Maybe that will help for future thoughts of drinking again? Hope you have a wonderful time.

Nuudawn

Gosh ya know, I know how that feels to feel so good and then wreck it all..why? Why do we sabotage ourselves when feeling awesome. Addiction is tricky and cunning and a big fat liar! All will be well..and something inside us seduces us with some stupid lie that we can have just one..or one little drink or two will make this good time greater..or I can have ONE little glass of champagne to celebrate here with the others..they are all lies that the cunning addiction a-hole tells us so it can stay alive. I want to kill that lying beast inside me...it lies..just like the human addict I've been addicted to for 3 years. I will be free of him..things will be going well..and I'll let him back in to destroy me too. Argh.. I want to get at the ugly roots inside me that seemed determined to destroy my well being. I do it in oh so many ways..

forabetterlife

Nuudawn, it is so true...its horrible how tricky addiction can be. How smart people like us can be fooled when we know better all along. I do know that I am so much better and further along than I was two years ago..and it's only going to keep getting better.

forabetterlife

Waking up this morning after a restful sober night's sleep, grateful to feel like myself again. I absolutely do NOT want to feel like I did yesterday ever, ever again. As much as I hate drinking itself and what it does to me, I have to say I hate the psychological and physical hangover the next day even more.
After a week of being sober, I eased into 3 days of drinking with the typical promise that it will "just be one or two". The first night it was 2 (which I told myself didn't even "count") , the next night 6, and by Sunday, I was cracking a beer at 10am. Disgusting. I always told myself that I hate the label "alcoholic". How can I dispute that it is exactly what I am? I do not want to align myself with the alcoholic image, but how much longer than I try to convince myself that I'm "not that bad". I am that bad, I just haven't gotten caught yet, and the severe consequences- way beyond day wasted with a hangover- must be right around the corner.
Sure, I am proud of myself that I can go weeks and months without a drink, I have proven that many times over the past two years, and its something that I couldn't do for ten years before that. But, its not enough. Not anymore. I need to live a sober life, permanently. Drinking can no longer be an option for me, scary as that still seems.
This is my journal type of writing, but I need to stop keeping it to myself. Hope someone can relate.
Extremely grateful for rest, clarity, and peace of mind this morning. Have a sober day everyone

Mrbeagle

Good for you forabetterlife, glad you're feeling better today. Day 2 for me too, I'm still rather under the weather, sure ill see an improvement by tonight though, some sleep would be lovely!

I also find myself rapidly going downhill when I drink, as soon as I take that first sip I lose all control, it takes being physically ill to stop. I don't have the energy to do this again. Need to do whatever it takes to not take that first drink. This binge really has been an eye opener for me, taking it one day at a time.

I will NOT drink today and that is my only concern for today. Take care