Christopher99

Written while drunk.

(I’m writing this on Word, then copy pasting, after edit)

I’m drinking on my own, I’m obviously not senseless drunk at the moment but don’t have plans to slow down. I made my plans before I started drinking...a
certain amount of alcohol that I know I can handle because I have work tomorrow...in other words....a certain amount of alcohol that I know from much
experience and practice that the hangover won’t affect me so much, that most people won’t notice.

(break)

Maybe 40 mins since

I like this. My logic is saying only get one six pack... I want one 6 pack plus 4 bourbon cans... True logic, who’s voice I can hear says.....“don’t be a dickhead’.
(break)

I drove to the shop which is only a three minute walk away. I did this because I didn’t want
people seeing any pattern. People who live in the same building as me might have seen my camouflaged alcohol earlier in the morning when I walked back from
the same shop with my first drinks.
I only got a six pack...mainly cause it was the same girl that served me in the morning. She asked if I was working tomorrow, I lied and said .....no...I have leave
tomorrow....she said that’s good...then we chatted. Me obviously drunk.

(break)

Feeling toasty warm....listening to music (Man!....why is music so good when you’re drunk???) Thinking about things like....what I should’ve done....and what I’m
gonna do.......feel drunk but it’s a work night......so ...

Dee74

While it's good to see you again Christopher, I'm sorry you're still struggling.

Being drunk is probably not the best time to journal - unless you want evidence of how random you can be when you're drunk.

I dunno about you, but I hated the drunk me and the life I'd built for myself as a drinker.

My world shrank to the four walls of my little flat, punctuated only by too many trips to the bottlo.

That's no way for anyone to live.

For me it came down to change - if I wanted change, I needed to make changes - real ones - fundamental ones.

I needed support to help me do that.

Now's probably not the time, but I hope you'll think tomorrow about what possible changes you can make Christopher.

You might save yourself a lot of trouble and a few decades of misery.

D

hypochondriac

I think driving so you can cover up how much you're drinking is a red flag sign.

Regarding liking being drunk... I was always one of those people who said I didn't like being drunk, I just liked a few drinks (sounds totally stupid to me now), so I couldn't understand why I would drink til I was good and drunk everytime. When I did the AVRT stuff when I quit I had a really hard time admitting I drank because I enjoyed it. If you accept that you enjoy getting drunk then what's wrong with that? Just because you enjoy something it doesn't mean you should do it though. Maybe a cost/benefit analysis would help you at this time...?

Nonsensical

I like being drunk.
I hate being A drunk.

I am willing to give up the former to not be the latter.

Best of Luck.

ImperfectlyMe

Tous chez non!

Living

You like being drunk because it alters reality. You admit that you have to cover up and lie about your life to others in order to drink. I am no different.

Please try and stop again. We all know where the path leads.

Christopher99

Tous chez non got my attention! do you mean it's your house not for me? Dee cheers! (bad choice of words), Hypo your right....Non yep..and Living I'll try again...I'll be hungover tomorrow so will only lurk...I'll be embarrassed to see all this as well.

visch1

Hi. I liked that too short a period of escape alcohol provided. After I got to AA I discovered the reasons for drinking for many of us was escape from the feelings that had us in the grip of alcohol. BE WELL

sugarbear1

Thinking isn't action....

Nighthawk8820

I know the embarrassment all to well, especially when the internet and alcohol mix. I always dreaded looking at what I posted on facebook or what I texted to people after a night of drinking. That alone was enough to rev up my anxiety upon waking the next morning. Im sorry you are struggling so much, but you can get better if you step up and take charge of all of this. Seek help, be as honest as possible, and keep an open mind.

FlyerFan

I hope you feel better soon Christopher. It hurts me to see others struggle with this awful thing called alcohol.

Ohio1

They sell cans of bourbon in Australia??? That sounds like a problem in and of itself. I think when your country starts selling bourbon in cans they have really turned a corner eh?

DSW

Day 4 & things are getting a little better... though the nights are still rough. As I keep learning about my apparent disease (which I never considered a problem, like most drinkers I'm sure), I find that the experiences of people on this site and the "rational" for drinking are quite similar. It's great to read you all, and I will be sure to keep you updated on my struggle to regain control over myself.

Best,
Dan (Washington DC)

Nuudawn

Hey Christopher. Do you really like being drunk? For me, there were too many drunks where I got to the point I didn't like it. I liked the beginning..the first few..the warm buzz where yes, the music resonated with me deeper, the sky was bluer and the sun brighter but more often than not it creeped over the line to something not so fun at all or a darkness I was lost in and didn't remember the next day anyway. In the last moments of lucidity prior to dead drunk...I didn't like the drunk..or myself one little bit.

Christopher99

Haha! They are premixed cans...But you're right...there is a pretty big drinking culture here

Michael66

Sounds like you're currently trapped Christopher. Do you know what help is available on the camp?

Christopher99

In reality....over all I don't like it....But I've just got so good at functioning with it.

Without my job to keep me in check, I hate to think where I might be. I have lost jobs during the early days. I've blacked out and woke up under bridges staggering out from under neath to the main road traffic like some dishevelled troll, in parks to joggers feet shuffling past. Once I woke up on the train in a far from home town with no money.

I've chosen alcohol over relationships...partly because I knew they would try and change me and partly because I know it would be wrong to start a family while drinking.

I do like drinking but I'm starting to wonder what I can achieve and if there is a better life waiting for me.

Reading the stories here makes me think it is worth it, even though it will be extremely hard. From what I can gather some of the ones who are still unhappy sober were also unhappy drunks. I'm a happy drunk does that mean I'm more likely to be happier when sober?

Christopher99

Hi....there is plenty of help. But I'm not sure I want or need to take that path just yet...If things do start to get really out of hand I wouldn't hesitate to get counseling

Dee74

Actually, I think happiness in sobriety depends on whether you're prepared to work for it or not, Chris.

D

fantail

Your mileage may vary, as they say... but I was also a pretty positive drunk. Happy, sociable, very into having long and interesting discussions. Unfortunately physically I was destroying myself and the shame and all of that by the end was clearly more harm than good.

Anyway though... I'm just coming up on four months and I'm finding that all of those personality traits that I thought I only accessed while drunk are still there. It's a little different... I can't just snap my fingers and be in a certain mood, which is what drinking does (or tries to do). But all of those same moods are still around, and when I have them now I remember every moment of them and experience them more fully.

I just got back from a night with friends being silly and just laughing so hard... the kind of laughing that I thought came only from being drunk. Turns out it's just me.

You mention music... it's true music is good when drunk. But just today I was walking down the street listening to music and it was just the perfect song at the perfect moment, and it was just the same as being drunk, but better.

And in terms of accomplishing things... yes. I've accomplished so many things already. I just got back from a two week solo bicycle trip! I'd been talking about doing that for over a year, and less than four months sober and off I go. I did over 600 miles. I've also learned yoga, started some creative projects, etc. I've been surprising myself around every turn.

Really, you don't have to wait for it to get bad to quit drinking. You can quit just to find out what you're like sober. I'm so, so glad I did. Each month it just keeps getting better.

What if you just did it for a short while first, like 6 months, just to see what it's like?