Where do i fit in?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 249
Where do i fit in?
Can't sleep so I thought I'd get my thoughts on this....
I'm struggling with the thought of where do I fit in? my story in a nutshell:
These thoughts have plagued me since I was a kid, I was nerdy looking when I was young and got teased a bit. I wasn't a super smart kid, not good at sports. In junior high I grew out ofthe awkward phase, and started to get attention from boys. I realized I liked to get high and drunk, it was fun, people liked to party with me and it boosted my self confidence big time.
After years of abusing drugs and alcohol, now here I am 25 years old wondering again where do I fit in?
It's ironic that the things I used to boost my self confidence in the beginning have left me with zero confidence in myself.
I've always had a hard time making new friends. Unless under the influence I'm really quite shy, and I think this comes across as snobby...
I can't imagine me getting involved In a book club, or a hiking group or thibgs along those lines... They just don't appeal to me
My old friends have either moved away, started families of their own, or are still deep in the party scene.
I like my alone time, i dont need to be surrounded by people all the time, but a few new friends would be nice. This leaves me feeling like I'm in an unusual category... A recovering twenty-something who's new to living a straight-edge life.
I'm struggling with the thought of where do I fit in? my story in a nutshell:
These thoughts have plagued me since I was a kid, I was nerdy looking when I was young and got teased a bit. I wasn't a super smart kid, not good at sports. In junior high I grew out ofthe awkward phase, and started to get attention from boys. I realized I liked to get high and drunk, it was fun, people liked to party with me and it boosted my self confidence big time.
After years of abusing drugs and alcohol, now here I am 25 years old wondering again where do I fit in?
It's ironic that the things I used to boost my self confidence in the beginning have left me with zero confidence in myself.
I've always had a hard time making new friends. Unless under the influence I'm really quite shy, and I think this comes across as snobby...
I can't imagine me getting involved In a book club, or a hiking group or thibgs along those lines... They just don't appeal to me
My old friends have either moved away, started families of their own, or are still deep in the party scene.
I like my alone time, i dont need to be surrounded by people all the time, but a few new friends would be nice. This leaves me feeling like I'm in an unusual category... A recovering twenty-something who's new to living a straight-edge life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 55
I don't fit in either. I never have. I've come to accept it somewhat recently.
I have no family, not many close friends. I've never dated (or been interested in it, really). I don't want kids. I don't even work anymore, which has made it worse.
I guess you just have to find something you like that you can use as sort of a guideline to identify yourself with. It can be a hobby or something. You said you aren't interested in a book club or hiking group, but there are lots of other things. I'm into games so I hang around people who like games. I'm also in a book club (there are lots of kinds of book clubs, so if you like reading at all you can probably find one that appeals). There are sports teams, workout classes, all kinds of stuff. I am in writing and art classes.
Have you tried meetup.com? There are even groups for introverts and sober people going on museum outings and whatnot.
I have no family, not many close friends. I've never dated (or been interested in it, really). I don't want kids. I don't even work anymore, which has made it worse.
I guess you just have to find something you like that you can use as sort of a guideline to identify yourself with. It can be a hobby or something. You said you aren't interested in a book club or hiking group, but there are lots of other things. I'm into games so I hang around people who like games. I'm also in a book club (there are lots of kinds of book clubs, so if you like reading at all you can probably find one that appeals). There are sports teams, workout classes, all kinds of stuff. I am in writing and art classes.
Have you tried meetup.com? There are even groups for introverts and sober people going on museum outings and whatnot.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
It took me many years to work that out.
Embracing recovery was the last piece of the puzzle.
I dunno about anyone else but I expended a lot of energy trying to fit in wherever I was...now I just accept I am who I am.
It's kind of a paradox but now I don't care where I fit in I think people accept me more?
D
Embracing recovery was the last piece of the puzzle.
I dunno about anyone else but I expended a lot of energy trying to fit in wherever I was...now I just accept I am who I am.
It's kind of a paradox but now I don't care where I fit in I think people accept me more?
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by zoey09 
I like my alone time, i dont need to be surrounded by people all the time, but a few new friends would be nice. This leaves me feeling like I'm in an unusual category... A recovering twenty-something who's new to living a straight-edge life.
They play volleyball and they r a silly bunch. Same people you partied with but they just don't drink and drug anymore and you will make some good friends. Keep it in mind. You'll be glad you did and you will find great support.!
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by zoey09
Can't sleep so I thought I'd get my thoughts on this....
I'm struggling with the thought of where do I fit in? my story in a nutshell:
These thoughts have plagued me since I was a kid, I was nerdy looking when I was young and got teased a bit. I wasn't a super smart kid, not good at sports. In junior high I grew out ofthe awkward phase, and started to get attention from boys. I realized I liked to get high and drunk, it was fun, people liked to party with me and it boosted my self confidence big time.
After years of abusing drugs and alcohol, now here I am 25 years old wondering again where do I fit in?
It's ironic that the things I used to boost my self confidence in the beginning have left me with zero confidence in myself.
I've always had a hard time making new friends. Unless under the influence I'm really quite shy, and I think this comes across as snobby...
I can't imagine me getting involved In a book club, or a hiking group or thibgs along those lines... They just don't appeal to me
My old friends have either moved away, started families of their own, or are still deep in the party scene.
I like my alone time, i dont need to be surrounded by people all the time, but a few new friends would be nice. This leaves me feeling like I'm in an unusual category... A recovering twenty-something who's new to living a straight-edge life.
I'm struggling with the thought of where do I fit in? my story in a nutshell:
These thoughts have plagued me since I was a kid, I was nerdy looking when I was young and got teased a bit. I wasn't a super smart kid, not good at sports. In junior high I grew out ofthe awkward phase, and started to get attention from boys. I realized I liked to get high and drunk, it was fun, people liked to party with me and it boosted my self confidence big time.
After years of abusing drugs and alcohol, now here I am 25 years old wondering again where do I fit in?
It's ironic that the things I used to boost my self confidence in the beginning have left me with zero confidence in myself.
I've always had a hard time making new friends. Unless under the influence I'm really quite shy, and I think this comes across as snobby...
I can't imagine me getting involved In a book club, or a hiking group or thibgs along those lines... They just don't appeal to me
My old friends have either moved away, started families of their own, or are still deep in the party scene.
I like my alone time, i dont need to be surrounded by people all the time, but a few new friends would be nice. This leaves me feeling like I'm in an unusual category... A recovering twenty-something who's new to living a straight-edge life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
If you are in an unusual category Zoey you're not the only one. Your post broke some memories for me and some recent ones that plagued me a bit too.
I didn't fit in growing up much, I tended to be very passive in my friendships and just hang out with whoever latched on to me. It wasn't that I was happy on my own, less that I couldn't make any decisions or be proactive in my friendships. I would always be the one waiting by the phone. I don't think alcohol made any difference to that really, except the group of people I ended up hanging out with did tend to be big drinkers and drug users. I was a total hippy growing up and turned into a goth around the age of 14. That kind of stuck but I generally sit on the edge of many groups of people not wanting to fully commit to any of them. I am an amateur musician so there are all the nerdy classical types, the folkies, and the singer/songwriter/band types of people. I don't really fit in with any of them, they're usually too geeky and keen and want me to do all sorts of things I don't want to do and then can't understand it when I don't get excited about the things they do. Then there are all the rocker types. When I was a kid it was simple, we all hung out at the same place and all the 'alternative' people were kind of lumped in together. I feel so old on that scene now. Everyone round here seem's to be a steampunk and I just don't get it. When I was young (I'm so old, I can't believe I am saying this) it was more about rejection of fashion and we'd wear any old crap as long as it was black and full of holes. Now it's all trendy and there's a whole subsections of alternative fashion and culture which I can't be arsed with (cyber goth anyone?). And then there's the gay scene which is where I have spent most of my recent years, purely on the basis that I now live somewhere where there is one, but I don't fit in there because I am bisexual and no one likes me
Well my gay friends do but they had to get to know me before they dispensed with the stereotypes.
So getting sober was weird, I had to avoid my hard drinking rocker friends and try and carve out some sort of new life for myself. A keyworker I was seeing in a particularly difficult phase of my recovery kept asking me to think about my identity, like if I found a new one I would be okay and I'd settle. But the thing was I never had much of an identity before and it has only gotten worse as I have got older. Chuck in with that the fear that being a recovering alcoholic means I can never have a social life again and that identity question scared the crap out of me. Very gradually I am coming to accept that I have an identity, it's a me identity. I don't fit in with a lot of people or groups or subsections of society but so what. I never liked groups anyway. I quite like bouncing between them and I have this happy little safety zone in the middle where it's just me and my dog and all the geeky books and films and music I like that no one else seems to. Oh and I don't fit into any recovery method either. I bounce around them too. Perhaps not having an identity is an identity in itself. It helps to be adaptable
x
I didn't fit in growing up much, I tended to be very passive in my friendships and just hang out with whoever latched on to me. It wasn't that I was happy on my own, less that I couldn't make any decisions or be proactive in my friendships. I would always be the one waiting by the phone. I don't think alcohol made any difference to that really, except the group of people I ended up hanging out with did tend to be big drinkers and drug users. I was a total hippy growing up and turned into a goth around the age of 14. That kind of stuck but I generally sit on the edge of many groups of people not wanting to fully commit to any of them. I am an amateur musician so there are all the nerdy classical types, the folkies, and the singer/songwriter/band types of people. I don't really fit in with any of them, they're usually too geeky and keen and want me to do all sorts of things I don't want to do and then can't understand it when I don't get excited about the things they do. Then there are all the rocker types. When I was a kid it was simple, we all hung out at the same place and all the 'alternative' people were kind of lumped in together. I feel so old on that scene now. Everyone round here seem's to be a steampunk and I just don't get it. When I was young (I'm so old, I can't believe I am saying this) it was more about rejection of fashion and we'd wear any old crap as long as it was black and full of holes. Now it's all trendy and there's a whole subsections of alternative fashion and culture which I can't be arsed with (cyber goth anyone?). And then there's the gay scene which is where I have spent most of my recent years, purely on the basis that I now live somewhere where there is one, but I don't fit in there because I am bisexual and no one likes me
Well my gay friends do but they had to get to know me before they dispensed with the stereotypes.So getting sober was weird, I had to avoid my hard drinking rocker friends and try and carve out some sort of new life for myself. A keyworker I was seeing in a particularly difficult phase of my recovery kept asking me to think about my identity, like if I found a new one I would be okay and I'd settle. But the thing was I never had much of an identity before and it has only gotten worse as I have got older. Chuck in with that the fear that being a recovering alcoholic means I can never have a social life again and that identity question scared the crap out of me. Very gradually I am coming to accept that I have an identity, it's a me identity. I don't fit in with a lot of people or groups or subsections of society but so what. I never liked groups anyway. I quite like bouncing between them and I have this happy little safety zone in the middle where it's just me and my dog and all the geeky books and films and music I like that no one else seems to. Oh and I don't fit into any recovery method either. I bounce around them too. Perhaps not having an identity is an identity in itself. It helps to be adaptable
x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 249
Thanks for all your suggestions and comments. I've heard a lot of people say that they feel like time is almost frozen when they are wrapped up in addiction. I couldn't agree more, I feel like my early twenties should have been a time of self-discovery, but I've missed out on that because of my addictions.
Still early in my recovery, so I have so many questions, and I'm trying to figure out what I actually enjoy doing with my spare time...
Still early in my recovery, so I have so many questions, and I'm trying to figure out what I actually enjoy doing with my spare time...
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