back again to SR.. hanging by a thread, again.
 

hello, pretty ashamed it had to come to this. i broke my sobriety and caved into a beer.. a few weeks ago I think. That first beer was pretty good, only had one and called it a night.. Next night that one didn't do it for me and the craving took over. A few nights later I was buying tall cans and and sipping whiskey.. a few nights ago I ran off trail, drunk, got lost in the alaskan wilderness, drunk, with only some water and a few beers.

so, after bushwhacking through thorns and bear country for five to six miles i got rescued by rafters on the side of a river. I am working in a wilderness lodge on the edge of a very small town in Alaska so everyone knows about the drunk kid from lower 48, and the lead raft guide knows my boss. I got chewed out by management at my job and the line has been drawn- if I drink anywhere on property I lose my job and after my beer and whiskey binge I don't even have the money to get to anchorage let alone the lower 48.. So its time to quit I guess, now or never.. I'm pretty ashamed that it always has to come to this for me to quit but maybe it's just what I need

I'm sorry you had to go through that Turnz, but it just might be the line in the sand you need?

I'm glad you didn't get hurt :)

D

Wow sorry you went through that. I find things go further downhill and faster which each relapse.

Good luck to you.

You had to learn the hard way that moderation doesn't work. Perhaps this will be the wake up call to get you backon track. I'm glad that you are ok and that this is a decent time of year at least considering where you were. Generally we all have something pretty bad happen to us that get's us to wake up...I hope this was yours :)

Hey man, take it for what it is..........I think it was meant to happen. You were lucky to survive it, and those memories may be just what you need to really kick your sobriety goal into full throttle mode. Sometimes it take a horrendous event to catapult us in the right direction.

For most of us, we have to hit rock bottom or experience a big scare to start taking recovery seriously. If everyone was able to easily quite, then it wouldnt be such a big deal. Consider what happened to you to be a blessing, not a curse.

sometimes we have to reach a "bottom" of sorts to find our way, maybe this was it? good luck with everything and i hope you can find the path of sobriety :)

thanks for the input guys, I just learned there was an investigation and people who went with me were questioned and I also learned I am banned from the rafting trips. them knowing I was formerly in AA is what I think triggered the decision to cut me off entirely or I'm gone. Had I been some random drunk kid with no known history of alcoholism I don't think they would give me a chance and I would be hitchhiking to the anchorage homeless shelter, people are also very supportive and offering rides to meetings... still I feel so ashamed and embarassed about this.

It's amazing how fast it can go from being outwardly normal to all out chaos and being on your last straw. I literally can't drink, primarily because of this new probation the lodge has me on but what it basically does to me and the reckless and all out stupid things I do. I put another person's life in harm's way, including the rafters who helped us. I think I honestly get suicidal when I'm on a binge, because I do reckless things I would never do sober, for example I'm very scared of heights but will free climb 50 foot cliffs for the attention and the rush, I also hate grizzly bears but purposefully get lost in bear country for the same reason. I hate whiskeys effect on me the next day and what it does to me period, but I continue to drink it and unlike normal drinkers who pace themselves I begin to speed up like I'm trying to kill myself with alcohol.

I hope I am able to stay here but I will probably get strange looks for a while now that I'm "that guy" again. I'm glad theres people on here who understand and can relate, I guess I know what being alcoholic truly means now and that I can lose control just when I think things are running smoothly.. thanks for the feedback once again

I hope this was the wake up call you needed and that you'll be able to put the bottle down for good this time.

Hi Turnz

Have you now fully realised and, more importantly, accepted that you can never have that first drink? If so, this could be the start if a really new positive phase of your life. Sounds Luke you've actually got a pretty understanding employer who is willing to give you one last chance, which is all you need so long as you truly accept that you can't have that one first drink.

Good luck to you, and God bless +

Wow, glad you weren't seriously hurt. Keep reading and posting here.....SR can be a life saver:)

I swam into the Atlantic Ocean at 3am once on a bender; I started swimming out to sea and I went and went until I was so tired I was almost drowning... Then I turned around and I could not see the shore anymore, not even a glimmer... I realized I was probably going to die out there drunk and wash to shore. It was awful. How I made it back I do not know. I was in and out. My arms and legs were so tired I was having muscle seizures for days...

It takes what it takes. You got lucky. Glad you're ok. There's some good sobriety in Alaska though! I lived there for a bit. Keep going for sobriety. Wish you the very best.

update- Been about 56 hours since my last drink, sleeplessness is killing me and I think I've slept 3-4 hours in the last few days. I can't seem to fall asleep, no matter how hard I try which usually makes it worse, so I stay up and feel the awful effects of sleep deprivation on my body but my mind doesn't want to let me sleep. The worst was the night before last when I didn't sleep at all, I literally laid in bed all night thinking a thousand thoughts a minute and honestly I can't remember anything I thought about- I would enter kind of a delirious dreamlike state for a few seconds but would wake up again.

I have a closing shift at the restaraunt tomorrow, really hoping that I can at least fall asleep by 3 or 4 (unlikely) and it gets to be daylight around that time so that doesn't help.

Also, had the sit down with the big boss of the property and he laid down the law, if I drink- even a beer, I'm gone. But on the flip side he was very supportive and told me that after talking to the Chef in my kitchen he said I do a great job and he wants me to succeed, that made me feel pretty good. I'm hopeful but feeling a bit out of it.. anxiety, not feeling like myself and I live in a college dorm-like employee housing where every body parties and plays beer pong, so it's like I'm in rehab (can't drink or im fired) with all of the temptations in front of my face. wow..

Hey Turnz...so glad you're here and you posted your harrowing experience. I'm so glad you still have your job and you have another shot at this. They believe in you obviously...that's really, really awesome. One moment..one day at a time...you can, you know you can.