Oh great... it is creeping up again
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im going to do what you say...and put my mind elsewhere.. it just seems like this is something that keeps coming up.. probably because i live alone, and im just gonna be honest lonleyness sets in, then thats followed by this, and looking around me im not gonna lie does make me feel jealous sometimes...
then i look at how uncomfortable i feel around girls i like, and my head just says "forget it" you dont have the balls, then, i feel like a failure... its pathetic i know
going to just have to try and stop thinking about it, its just hard. i dont think i actualy know anybody who has been single this long without actually wanting to be..
another friend of mine pops into my head who can just seem to magically enter relationship after relationship. hes never single, hes obviously never happy but hes never single ...
i picture that even getting a conversation going with attractive female about whatever it happens to be, i dont know, i just keep thinking that i wouldnt even know how to escalate that even if it was blatantly obvious she wanted me to..
my last girlfriend said i was a nightmare to get me to make a move and she got totally fed up and did all the work - thats pathetic, the whole time i even knew she liked me, and still couldnt pluck up the courage to do anything about it! and that was when i was blocked! so... lol.. plus it seemed like girls were more forward when we were all younger and now that doesnt seem to be the case..
i dunno, im rambling and its pathetic im gonna just have to try and forget about it because either way im stil sitting here alone
then i look at how uncomfortable i feel around girls i like, and my head just says "forget it" you dont have the balls, then, i feel like a failure... its pathetic i know
going to just have to try and stop thinking about it, its just hard. i dont think i actualy know anybody who has been single this long without actually wanting to be..
another friend of mine pops into my head who can just seem to magically enter relationship after relationship. hes never single, hes obviously never happy but hes never single ...
i picture that even getting a conversation going with attractive female about whatever it happens to be, i dont know, i just keep thinking that i wouldnt even know how to escalate that even if it was blatantly obvious she wanted me to..
my last girlfriend said i was a nightmare to get me to make a move and she got totally fed up and did all the work - thats pathetic, the whole time i even knew she liked me, and still couldnt pluck up the courage to do anything about it! and that was when i was blocked! so... lol.. plus it seemed like girls were more forward when we were all younger and now that doesnt seem to be the case..
i dunno, im rambling and its pathetic im gonna just have to try and forget about it because either way im stil sitting here alone
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I'm curious as to why having a girlfriend or woman in your life is of such utmost importance to you right now?
It sounds like you've not got your eye on anyone in particular. Perhaps women can sense this about you? In my experience, women don't like being treated as just as any old woman to fulfil your need for company. You're wearing Calvin Klein's 'Desperation' and it's not going to work, mate.
If I were you I'd be concentrating more on enjoying my sobriety and new life at university. If you get too hung up on one thing you think is lacking in your life then you'll end up turning back to the booze. Trust me - been there, done that.
It sounds like you've not got your eye on anyone in particular. Perhaps women can sense this about you? In my experience, women don't like being treated as just as any old woman to fulfil your need for company. You're wearing Calvin Klein's 'Desperation' and it's not going to work, mate.
If I were you I'd be concentrating more on enjoying my sobriety and new life at university. If you get too hung up on one thing you think is lacking in your life then you'll end up turning back to the booze. Trust me - been there, done that.
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im honestly not looking at them like that man.. like i say, i think id even feel better if i had some female friends..
i dont see how i can be screaming desperation when im not gonna lie, my social anxiety sets in so much like i said above that i find it difficult even looking at them or anything.. its crippling bad like.. im not walking about trying to get into everyones knickers .. in fact its the total opposite, hence my concern. its a total catch 22...
you are right tho.. despite how it sounds here my degree and sobriety are the most important thing to me, but id be lying if i said i dont miss having a girlfriend..
the fact is i havent even met anyone yet who i would think enough of to want to be in a relationship with, but i could do with some serious help on the communicating with girls without FREAKING OUT ya know?
i dont see how i can be screaming desperation when im not gonna lie, my social anxiety sets in so much like i said above that i find it difficult even looking at them or anything.. its crippling bad like.. im not walking about trying to get into everyones knickers .. in fact its the total opposite, hence my concern. its a total catch 22...
you are right tho.. despite how it sounds here my degree and sobriety are the most important thing to me, but id be lying if i said i dont miss having a girlfriend..
the fact is i havent even met anyone yet who i would think enough of to want to be in a relationship with, but i could do with some serious help on the communicating with girls without FREAKING OUT ya know?
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Originally Posted by zany90 
im going to do what you say...and put my mind elsewhere.. it just seems like this is something that keeps coming up.. probably because i live alone, and im just gonna be honest lonleyness sets in, then thats followed by this, and looking around me im not gonna lie does make me feel jealous sometimes...
then i look at how uncomfortable i feel around girls i like, and my head just says "forget it" you dont have the balls, then, i feel like a failure... its pathetic i know
going to just have to try and stop thinking about it, its just hard. i dont think i actualy know anybody who has been single this long without actually wanting to be..
another friend of mine pops into my head who can just seem to magically enter relationship after relationship. hes never single, hes obviously never happy but hes never single ...
i picture that even getting a conversation going with attractive female about whatever it happens to be, i dont know, i just keep thinking that i wouldnt even know how to escalate that even if it was blatantly obvious she wanted me to..
then i look at how uncomfortable i feel around girls i like, and my head just says "forget it" you dont have the balls, then, i feel like a failure... its pathetic i know
going to just have to try and stop thinking about it, its just hard. i dont think i actualy know anybody who has been single this long without actually wanting to be..
another friend of mine pops into my head who can just seem to magically enter relationship after relationship. hes never single, hes obviously never happy but hes never single ...
i picture that even getting a conversation going with attractive female about whatever it happens to be, i dont know, i just keep thinking that i wouldnt even know how to escalate that even if it was blatantly obvious she wanted me to..
What do you do for fun? It sounds to me like you really need a mental/emotional/physical outlet to just help you chill out. Do you have any hobbies? What about work? Have you considered a part-time job while you're in school? A job may bring you into close proximity to -- gasp -- WOMEN! Maybe even an attractive one!
But the beauty of it would be that it's work and not a social environment or occasion so less pressure, right?
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im gonna let this thread die because i know its just pathetic..
il just end it by saying, the bottom line (ive been waffling on and on), is - im scared if i dont sort this social anxiety out, that im gonna end up alone... thats it.
i dont see how i can ever succeed when im terrified of those im attracted to. thats my pickle
il just end it by saying, the bottom line (ive been waffling on and on), is - im scared if i dont sort this social anxiety out, that im gonna end up alone... thats it.
i dont see how i can ever succeed when im terrified of those im attracted to. thats my pickle
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ok, mesosober, point taken.. i know your right, i do... dunno why this is on my mind so much today it hasnt been an issue really up until now.. the concern is the fear of women in general. thats all.. i dunno i feel like ive been rambling on and its annoying so i appreciate the advice
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Originally Posted by zany90
im honestly not looking at them like that man.. like i say, i think id even feel better if i had some female friends..
i dont see how i can be screaming desperation when im not gonna lie, my social anxiety sets in so much like i said above that i find it difficult even looking at them or anything.. its crippling bad like.. im not walking about trying to get into everyones knickers .. in fact its the total opposite, hence my concern. its a total catch 22...
you are right tho.. despite how it sounds here my degree and sobriety are the most important thing to me, but id be lying if i said i dont miss having a girlfriend..
the fact is i havent even met anyone yet who i would think enough of to want to be in a relationship with, but i could do with some serious help on the communicating with girls without FREAKING OUT ya know?
i dont see how i can be screaming desperation when im not gonna lie, my social anxiety sets in so much like i said above that i find it difficult even looking at them or anything.. its crippling bad like.. im not walking about trying to get into everyones knickers .. in fact its the total opposite, hence my concern. its a total catch 22...
you are right tho.. despite how it sounds here my degree and sobriety are the most important thing to me, but id be lying if i said i dont miss having a girlfriend..
the fact is i havent even met anyone yet who i would think enough of to want to be in a relationship with, but i could do with some serious help on the communicating with girls without FREAKING OUT ya know?
You're viewing it like taking a penalty - so much emphasis on 'scoring' you're freaking out and hitting the post even when it's just a friendly.
You need to relax, that's easier said than done but it's the truth. I have anxiety problems too and the more I dwell on trying to make a good impression and worry about screwing it up...the more I do screw it up.
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last thing incase you have one last bit of advice lol :/
when i say the s.a sets in around girls, what im saying is, its so severe, that i will remove myself immediately.. ok.. so, enter jonny, theres a group of girls bam jonnys away with a trail of smoke..
thats what my concern is, you say let meeting a girl happen but it wont because for 2 years now i run the opposite direction at even the sight of them.. im going to a councellor about s.a i dunno if its helping or not..
u see all this, i would normally have taken a handful of valium and a pint and id be fine ya know.. but thats no go area now which is why ive been thinking wtf am i going to do about this panic
when i say the s.a sets in around girls, what im saying is, its so severe, that i will remove myself immediately.. ok.. so, enter jonny, theres a group of girls bam jonnys away with a trail of smoke..
thats what my concern is, you say let meeting a girl happen but it wont because for 2 years now i run the opposite direction at even the sight of them.. im going to a councellor about s.a i dunno if its helping or not..
u see all this, i would normally have taken a handful of valium and a pint and id be fine ya know.. but thats no go area now which is why ive been thinking wtf am i going to do about this panic
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Originally Posted by zany90
ok, mesosober, point taken.. i know your right, i do... dunno why this is on my mind so much today it hasnt been an issue really up until now.. the concern is the fear of women in general. thats all.. i dunno i feel like ive been rambling on and its annoying so i appreciate the advice
And please do stop feeding yourself all the negative self-talk. That'll only make you feel worse. THINK POSITIVE, or at least stop beating yourself up so much.
Maybe you can find some books or other resources to find out more about social anxiety or anxiety related to the opposite sex. If nothing else maybe it will help you see that you're not the only one who feels the way you do.
Good luck -- I'll be rootin' for you!
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Okay, I am gonna jump in here and you are not going to like anything I have to say... You are 4 months sober! I don't think it matters if you have moved on and you don't want to talk about alcoholism or whatever, this point is relevant. This is a simple case of transferring on to another addiction, another need you must have satisfied. You are giving into your beast brain whether you acknowledge that fact or not. I hope this doesn't come across as mean cos I really do get where you are coming from. At around a similar amount of sober time I had the same need and signed up to a dating site. It wasn't a success. Probably my expectations were all screwed up because before that I was a bona fide sex addict. I am a bit older than you and have been through the whole possible combinations of relationships and not one of them have made me happy. I have had long term relationships with marriage on the horizon, long term casual relationships, relationships with men, relationships with women, swinging relationships, abusive relationships, you name it. I now see my relationships as exactly the same thing as my alcohol addiction, trying to fix my internal problems with external things. My advice to you would be to forget about it. Commit to celibacy, get on with your life and fix yourself from the inside out. And as an aside, because it's irrelevant really, but as a woman I am attracted to people with social anxieties, but not needy people. You can smell that a mile off and if you are having problems attracting women then that is probably it. Look after yourself hun and the rest will follow x
x
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i dont dislike anything you said there - i value and appreciate honesty, thats why i came here
one thing i wont be commiting to though is celebacy, forget it... its no religious commitment or something i personally want to commit to, if its there im gonna take it just like any man lol..
but you are right though that maybe im looking at this all wrong. thats all i want to know, i mean do "normal" folks not get fed up being single?
i dont know, the reason i run from aa is because they just make it out that everything you think and do is because "the alcoholic thinks that", whatever, i dont think im the only guy on earth whos felt like this and i know for a fact that non-alcoholics feel the same way..
or do "normal" non-addict folks just never feel that they have a need that they want met? im not being rude im just curious where your coming from with that.. i never seen attraction to the opposite sex as addiction
one thing i wont be commiting to though is celebacy, forget it... its no religious commitment or something i personally want to commit to, if its there im gonna take it just like any man lol..
but you are right though that maybe im looking at this all wrong. thats all i want to know, i mean do "normal" folks not get fed up being single?
i dont know, the reason i run from aa is because they just make it out that everything you think and do is because "the alcoholic thinks that", whatever, i dont think im the only guy on earth whos felt like this and i know for a fact that non-alcoholics feel the same way..
or do "normal" non-addict folks just never feel that they have a need that they want met? im not being rude im just curious where your coming from with that.. i never seen attraction to the opposite sex as addiction
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by the way i get your point about fixing yourself from the inside out. being content with yourself, and the rest will follow, i get that... despite how it sounds here i am far from a needy guy. i dont come across that way and i dont think anyone you ask would say i do.. here, yes i admit i do sound like that but thats where im venting, on a day to day basis im generally a quiet guy who keeps myself to myself.. thats what i want to change though.. i dont "need" a relationship.. i would like to be more successful with women. thats all. i think thats perfectly reasonable. i skimmed over your post too quickly
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im not arguing by the way, its just that all i see here is a guy who sucks in crowds and groups of people, especially females.. wanting to be better.. i dont see where addiction replacement comes into it..
its not like i am out to get a woman in the need for her to make me feel better or fix my problems, its really just an issue of feeling that i could be much better if i could tackle the s.a
its not like i am out to get a woman in the need for her to make me feel better or fix my problems, its really just an issue of feeling that i could be much better if i could tackle the s.a
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Perhaps it doesn't help to compare it to addiction in your case as you don't seem to believe in that, which is totally valid. There is a whole spectrum of beliefs around 'addiction' and many of them are very different to the AA approach so it doesn't work putting them all in there together. Somewhere out there is a theory that will suit your requirements (AVRT sounds similar to me).
The woman thing though, there is some part of you that thinks things will be better if you could just sort that out. I'm just telling you it won't, I've tried it and it doesn't. You will still be miserable just with a lady on your arm
It is of course an excellent idea to work on your social anxiety, and I know you say you don't come across as needy but that is really hard to hide. I think what I was trying to suggest is that your social anxiety will be better if you don't have an 'aim' in mind...
The woman thing though, there is some part of you that thinks things will be better if you could just sort that out. I'm just telling you it won't, I've tried it and it doesn't. You will still be miserable just with a lady on your arm
It is of course an excellent idea to work on your social anxiety, and I know you say you don't come across as needy but that is really hard to hide. I think what I was trying to suggest is that your social anxiety will be better if you don't have an 'aim' in mind...
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Originally Posted by zany90
I just don't know what to do any more. I don't even feel like my current issue is related to alcohol, but i sure know its the first thing i think about when i feel like this... purely because it makes me numb - well thats before it makes me want to kill myself usually and have an episode for a couple of weeks...
jonny, alcoholic, 26 years old... sober 4 months.. 4 months ago i slipped once, before that id been sober 3 months... all in all this is the longest period ever for me...
no AA, no addiction councellors, none of that.. i have found through chronic relapsing that i just do not gel with AA... i dont like the concept of it, i dont like sharing in rooms, i dont like sitting thinking about, talking about or being in any way associated with anything to do with alcoholism, sobriety, alcohol, or anything in that area. i know people are going to post "go to aa", so im just getting this out of the road first - i appreciate that aa works for people, i on the other hand, hate aa, and have had the most successful run of sobriety without aa.
however i just feel lonely, in the romantic sense. since i broke up with my ex 2 years ago i have had NO intimate encounters, no female friends, no girlfriends, not even so much as a hug from the farier sex. i feel like an absolute failure. and the reason i am posting is because this is what kept me drinking for 8+ years. i just feel totally unattractive - i have never considered myself ugly, but the fact that there ahs been no interest in that long just makes me seriously say well the evidence would support the fact that i am not attractive to women. if i was attractive to women i wouldnt be sitting feeling like this because there would be evidence in the form of interest from females that im not.
i just feel like its going on so long now that its ripping me apart inside, and even though i know i wont drink, i just dont know what to do to address this.
people say to me, well youre going to university in september, youl meet them there. but you know what, i dont think i will. because i suffer from social anxiety, i hate crowds of people, i lack confidence around people i dont know, and i sure as hell wont be approaching any females. that leaves me stumped doesnt it, really. i just sittin here feeling like im destined to be lonely, my friends are constantly "shacking up" with new women, im just totally baffled, how does this just happen to everyone except me
this is where i know that people will suggest aa, but i just want to set it straight that im totally uninterested and not open to taht idea at all. ive been there, done that, MANY MANY times, and i do not like it. i can think of much better ways to spend my time than sitting listening to people talking about alcohol or spending any time of the day focusing on alcoholism what so ever, because for me personally that makes me want to drink. also, i dont really find much enjoyment sitting around people 3 times my age. i just want a normal life with normal people who dont drink, and everything has been great in my sobriety up until this point, where im now just fed up being alone.
like i say this isnt a cry for help in terms of needing to relate to alcoholics and all that fluff, some people need that, i dont... i just need a relationship with females, even a f***king friendship.. i just feel like a total failure and totally unattractive. im on here posting this because if i dont challenge this feeling it usually ends up being an unwanted outcome
jonny, alcoholic, 26 years old... sober 4 months.. 4 months ago i slipped once, before that id been sober 3 months... all in all this is the longest period ever for me...
no AA, no addiction councellors, none of that.. i have found through chronic relapsing that i just do not gel with AA... i dont like the concept of it, i dont like sharing in rooms, i dont like sitting thinking about, talking about or being in any way associated with anything to do with alcoholism, sobriety, alcohol, or anything in that area. i know people are going to post "go to aa", so im just getting this out of the road first - i appreciate that aa works for people, i on the other hand, hate aa, and have had the most successful run of sobriety without aa.
however i just feel lonely, in the romantic sense. since i broke up with my ex 2 years ago i have had NO intimate encounters, no female friends, no girlfriends, not even so much as a hug from the farier sex. i feel like an absolute failure. and the reason i am posting is because this is what kept me drinking for 8+ years. i just feel totally unattractive - i have never considered myself ugly, but the fact that there ahs been no interest in that long just makes me seriously say well the evidence would support the fact that i am not attractive to women. if i was attractive to women i wouldnt be sitting feeling like this because there would be evidence in the form of interest from females that im not.
i just feel like its going on so long now that its ripping me apart inside, and even though i know i wont drink, i just dont know what to do to address this.
people say to me, well youre going to university in september, youl meet them there. but you know what, i dont think i will. because i suffer from social anxiety, i hate crowds of people, i lack confidence around people i dont know, and i sure as hell wont be approaching any females. that leaves me stumped doesnt it, really. i just sittin here feeling like im destined to be lonely, my friends are constantly "shacking up" with new women, im just totally baffled, how does this just happen to everyone except me
this is where i know that people will suggest aa, but i just want to set it straight that im totally uninterested and not open to taht idea at all. ive been there, done that, MANY MANY times, and i do not like it. i can think of much better ways to spend my time than sitting listening to people talking about alcohol or spending any time of the day focusing on alcoholism what so ever, because for me personally that makes me want to drink. also, i dont really find much enjoyment sitting around people 3 times my age. i just want a normal life with normal people who dont drink, and everything has been great in my sobriety up until this point, where im now just fed up being alone.
like i say this isnt a cry for help in terms of needing to relate to alcoholics and all that fluff, some people need that, i dont... i just need a relationship with females, even a f***king friendship.. i just feel like a total failure and totally unattractive. im on here posting this because if i dont challenge this feeling it usually ends up being an unwanted outcome
I do this everyday! You are at 4 months and most likely dealing with PAWS. If you dont know what this is, you can do a google search because I dont have the patience to explain it all, but its a very real thing that effects your mood and outlook usually around the 90 day mark. It can be so bad, it drives many in recovery to relapse. I wish it was talked about more to be honest.
You have to understand, 4 months is awesome, but not enough time for you to expect your whole world to change and turn around. It simply doesn't work this way. It will take more time, but you can get there. Believe in yourself, and remind yourself every day what it was like to be addicted to alcohol and how bad you felt/feel. Alcohol damages everything it touches. Your nervous system, your brain, your body, your mood and chemical balances. All of these take a while to heal and get back on track, especially if you have used for a long period of time. It WILL get better and easier, but you have to ride it out. Think of it as the price you pay to achieve freedom, peace, and happiness. You owe it to yourself.
Oh and in regards to female companions, you are in no place to be dating because when you are a using alcoholic, you in essence, have nothing to offer in a relationship. Its harsh, but you cant give your true self to someone when alcohol is polluting your entire being. Stop looking outward for what you need and look inside yourself. Everything you need is right in there, but you have to learn to tap into it.
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